By Busty

These jugs don't belong here...

Today, Walmart was out of quart milk jugs except for one. When I went to grab it, I had to practically climb into the fridge. My boobs got stuck on the shelf on the way out, and it took a solid two minutes to wiggle my way free. I had an audience. FML

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Understandable

Family values

Coherence dude, do you have it?

By soccerscout7

Today, I was leaving school to get tested for peptic ulcers, because my stomach has been hurting for a few months. To wish me luck, one of my friends gave me a friendly punch in the stomach. I threw up blood. FML

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By BDSarah

Special

Today, my mom introduced me to everyone we met as her "special needs child." They all seemed to believe her. FML

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By untitledentity - United States

Today, I decided to use my mentor's advice. I told her I had been having some trouble controlling my anger, she told me to throw rocks at trees. I threw a rock at a tree, very hard. It bounced back hit me above the eye. I'm still pissed as shit. FML

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By hesitator - Slovenia - Ljubljana

Sex vs. housework

Today, I got excited over a canceled booty call, just so I wouldn't have to clean the apartment. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Tucson

Today, I was playing tug of war with my dog. She let go and I ended up punching myself in the mouth. My lip is still swollen. FML

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By Mr. Sniffles - United States - Hamilton

Today, my teacher took my test along with another student's and gave us both a zero. Why? Because we both have colds so when we breathe through our nose it makes a sniffle noise. She thought we were using a secret code to communicate by sniffling. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Fresno

Today, I found out I have genital herpes. I'm a virgin. FML

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By notpregnant - Italy

Today, I woke up with a pillow under my t-shirt. Turns out my boyfriend wanted to 'see if I would look hot even when pregnant'. We've been dating for three weeks now. FML

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By Squid - Canada - Parksville

Today, my older boyfriend and I went shopping together. When we arrived at the till, the cashier looked at me and asked, "Is this your pop?" I replied "No, this is my boyfriend, but we get that a lot." She paused, pointed at the case of Coke in the cart and said again, "Is this your pop?" FML

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By authorx - Canada - Toronto

Today, while driving during rush hour, I was singing so loudly that some jackass in the car next to me felt he should get my attention by throwing a wadded-up McDonald's bag through my open window, hitting me in the face with it, and telling me to shut up. FML

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By mrteacher - United States

Today, I was driving to work and I had to pee really badly. I am a teacher and my school was another 20 miles so I stopped on the side of the road. About halfway through, a bus full of laughing kids went by. They were all my students. My pants were down. FML

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By forever1990 - United States - York

Today, I'm getting married. A few months ago, I allowed my mother in-law to take care of catering. She begged to be a part of the wedding, so I gave her the caterer's number and order info. It appears that I will not be eating at my own wedding because she decided to order food I'm allergic to. FML

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By ginya - United States - Bedford

Today, my sister asked me to let her dog out of the kennel when I got home. I did only to have the little beast bite me. She then ate the entire content of the cat's litter box, which she couldn't keep down. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I married the man of my dreams. At the after-party, my psycho grandma stood up, called for quiet, and engaged in a long rant about how this was "the beginning of the end" and advising everyone that the secret to a successful marriage is "cheating, plain and simple". FML

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By alpine75 - United States

Today, I went to have a sperm analysis done at the fertility clinic. I spent an hour trying to masturbate into a cup but I was too anxious and couldn't finish. There was a knock on the door, a clinician and a lab assistant both were there, wondering if I was ok. I have to go back next week. FML

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By Silent - United Kingdom

Today, I fainted for the first time in my life. I was in the shower. With my girlfriend. Apparently, my brain and my erection had a battle for who got the most blood, and my erection won. FML

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By Zitty - United States

Today, I went on a movie date. During the movie, I picked a small zit on my forehead. Afterwards, at dinner, he couldn't seem to keep his eyes off of my face. I thought he was staring lovingly at me. He was actually staring at a large throbbing zit with a trail of blood coming from it. FML

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By Anonymous

And next on The Voice…

Today, I found out I have a bad singing voice. How? The choir judge decided to yell "STOP! Please just stop!" During my solo. In front of everyone. During the show. FML

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By galladore - United States - Bensenville

Today, my oldest friend got engaged to her loving boyfriend of one year. Meanwhile, I can't even get my boyfriend of more than four years to commit to a decision of what he wants for dinner. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Piscataway

Today, I asked a traffic cop if it was okay to park my car briefly in a Monday to Friday only parking spot, since it's Saturday. She politely replied I could. I came back less than ten minutes later, only to find a parking ticket stuck to my windshield. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Newcastle

Today, it's my 7-year anniversary with my boyfriend. I was excited so I asked him what day it was and he said, "Wednesday?" FML

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By Racked - United States - Corpus Christi

Today, I walked my girlfriend home. As I kissed her goodbye, I heard a high-pitched scream and turned just in time to see her little brother charge head-first into my nuts. All because I kissed her on the cheek. FML

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By scaredypants123 - United States

Today, I was in bed staring at two red lights coming from my DVD player. They reminded me of the terminator movies, and I had to unplug it. I'm 23 years old and scared of The Terminator. FML

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By tickyette - United States

Today, a grasshopper jumped into my car. As my boyfriend swiped at it, the grasshopper jumped onto my chest and into my shirt. Instead of helping me get it out, my boyfriend leaned back and said, "It got to second base faster than I did." FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, my aunt and I wanted to do something nice. So we made cookies for a local nursing home. After tasting them, nobody ate any. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I decided to take a personal day from class and e-mailed all of my profs saying I had flu symptoms. While standing in line at Starbucks later, someone behind me says "Glad you're feeling better. Hope you can attend class tomorrow, we'll discuss lying." It was my Ethics professor. FML

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By sadcartoons - Canada

Today, my son and I attended my mother's funeral. It was the first time he'd been to such an event, so to ease his grief and distract him, I turned on Max and Ruby when we got home. He quickly broke into tears; apparently, it was the episode where Max and Ruby prepare their grandma a special birthday gift. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden - Storfors

Today, my brother tried to convince me to get a clitoris piercing at his recently opened piercing studio. FML

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By AussieG75 - United States - Lakewood

Today, I was making tea when I smelled something burning. My very fluffy cat had put his tail right next to the open flame and burnt his fur. Now I have a semi-hairless cat and a very smelly apartment. FML

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By ostler - United Kingdom

Today, at work I was told I'd be working over Christmas because I don't drink. Apparently if you're tee-total, you're not entitled to spend time with your family and are incapable of having fun. FML

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By Joe - United States

Today, I realized that the drunk-me deletes my texts, so the sober-me doesn't get mad. Well turns out, whatever the drunk-me said, caused me to lose my job, my girlfriend, and my coffee machine. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/5/2020 20:00

"Now, I ain't sayin' she a gold digger…"

Today, my wife wants a divorce. Apparently, she only married me for my potential, since my twin brother is a lawyer, she hoped I’d become a success as well, but since I’m content to be a carpenter, she considers me a disappointment and a failure. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while at the urinal doing my business, my trousers fell all the way to the ground. As I bent down to pull them back up, my boss walked in the bathroom and thought I was mooning him. FML

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By Spongebob Garypants - United Kingdom - Manchester

Today, I went into my kitchen after placing a line of salt across the floor in front of the back door the night before to ward off slugs that keep getting in, only to find 12 idiotic slugs dead and shrivelled up, leaving a horrible gooey mess. I don't know why I expected any intelligence from them. FML

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By Gabby - United States

Today, my friend and I were playing Oregon Trail online. I googled "dysentery", and sent her an IM about the mind-blowing number of cartoons of people violently shitting everywhere. I accidentally sent it to my aunt. FML

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By audied - United States

Today, I noticed the woman I've been sleeping with for over 2 years never lets me see her naked during sex. I confronted her about it and she replied, "I don't care if you see me naked. I was just leaving the lights off the whole time so I don't have to see you naked." FML

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By Olive14

Today, I was caring for a bird that had flown into my window. I thought the poor thing wouldn't make it, when it shit in my hand, flew into my neck, then around my living room for ages before I could manage to get it out of the window. FML

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By Naomi - United Kingdom - London

Today, my husband and I went for our 20 week scan and found out we're having a girl. The first thing he said to me was, "The next one better be a boy or I'm leaving you". FML

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By caitplaysguitar - United States

Today, I watched my boyfriend pick all the dead skin off of his feet. And then fling it at me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cadillac

Today, I showed up to my new job early, hoping to impress my new boss. When he arrived, he walked by me and muttered "Fucking tryhard." FML

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Top comments

By t_rosie | 7

#7566275 - Tuesday 21 November 2017 6:36

Quite the booby trap....

By Little Richard | 10

#7566286 - Tuesday 21 November 2017 7:26

I can't wait to see the pics, on the people of Wal-Mart website.

COMMENTS

By Akitakat | 31

#7566272 - Tuesday 21 November 2017 6:22

Watch it wiggle... see it jiggle... sprinkles so fruity... lotsa whipped cream topped with cherry...

By Akitakat | 31

#7566274 - Tuesday 21 November 2017 6:28

A man walks up to a Walmart employee, as he points at you as & says “ Excuse me mom, could you tell me how much she sells for & if you have any more in stock? This one is mine but my friends want to share one for themselves. ”

By t_rosie | 7

#7566275 - Tuesday 21 November 2017 6:36

Quite the booby trap....

By Lobby_Bee | 17

#7566278 - Tuesday 21 November 2017 7:12

Big udders, big rudders. 10/10 would watch.

By Little Richard | 10

#7566286 - Tuesday 21 November 2017 7:26

I can't wait to see the pics, on the people of Wal-Mart website.

By RichardPencil | 29

#7566293 - Tuesday 21 November 2017 7:40

Stuck on the shelf holding quart jugs? Nice, ... very nice!

Although some say that more than a cup is a waste!

By TheAngelLikeGirlGamer23 | 7

#7566297 - Tuesday 21 November 2017 7:50

Oh lord??

By Leaynax | 13

#7566298 - Tuesday 21 November 2017 7:54

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7566394 - Tuesday 21 November 2017 14:03

Maybe you should have asked for help next time.

Reply

Rabite | 28

#7566402 - Tuesday 21 November 2017 14:28

Yeah, totally weird that she didn't ask for a thin person without boobs to get her something out of a fridge, although it's so very common to get stuck with your boobs while shopping. Happens to me all the time.

Reply

Glowworm56 | 25

#7566475 - Tuesday 21 November 2017 18:46

I meant for climbing into the fridge to get the obviously very high milk jug--not getting her unstuck.

Reply

Rabite | 28

#7566843 - Wednesday 22 November 2017 15:56

That's what my answer was for. So maybe I put it in other words.

Why would you ask someone to help you with something you are totally capable of? Only because some very unlikely stupid stuff could happen?
It would even be more reasonable to ask someone to help you after the mishap happened.

By manb91uk | 22

#7566412 - Tuesday 21 November 2017 15:21

That’s the breast story I’ve hears all day