Struggling Through Life

Today, I got married. My booze-hound mother made a toast, and told a story about how she once walked in on us having sex. My husband's family is very religious, and we told them we weren't having sex until marriage. Thanks mom. FML

Compassion

Assumptions

Rich people problems

By gotta love my momma - 28/8/2014 05:08 - United States - Folsom

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Today, I woke up, completely naked, in bed with a guy I met the night before. We were both drunk the night before and I had agreed to go home with him. The reason I woke up was that someone was knocking on his bedroom door. Turns out he lives with his mom and she made us pancakes. FML

By Nikki - 18/3/2009 03:15 - United States

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Today, I think I've finally gotten past the food poisoning that caused me to puke so violently that I pulled muscles in my abdomen and chest. Unfortunately, some of that vomit hung around long enough to give me a sinus infection. FML

By why?? - 24/5/2016 13:29 - United States

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Phew, glad it wasn't me

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Today, I saw the pumpkin I had put out for Halloween was starting to get mushy. I went to put it in a trash bag when it slipped out of my hands and burst over my knee. My dog heard the noise, ran into the kitchen and attacked me out of panic. FML

By downgirl - 4/11/2015 06:02 - United States - Norman

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Today, I asked a coworker if she would cover for me on Easter because I want to spend it with my 3 year old daughter. She said no because she wants to spend Easter with her kids, too. She doesn't have kids. FML

By Anonymous - 23/4/2011 20:54 - United States

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Today, my girlfriend asked if we could spice up our sex life. She didn't think it was too funny when I laid out all of our spices on the bed. She now refuses to have sex. FML

By phoenix101 - 16/5/2011 05:40

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Today, while playing with a lighter, I jokingly told my boyfriend I would burn his mustache off. He responded by telling me he would burn off mine. FML

By Anonymous - 19/9/2011 20:27 - United States

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Today, I met a great guy at the bar, and we went back to my place. He left before I woke up, leaving a badly-scrawled note saying, "Gone to work, call me!" I couldn't make out the number. FML

By whereismyprince? - 18/12/2013 17:01 - Canada - Sherwood Park

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Today, I discovered that the only reason my husband is taking yoga classes with me is because he wants to be flexible enough to suck his own rod. FML

By Anonymous - 1/8/2012 09:02 - United States

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Today, I moved into a lovely basement suite. Unfortunately, the 12 year old upstairs plays violin. She also plays baritone. She said she alternates each day. FML

By guest - 18/11/2011 05:54 - Canada

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Today, while spooning my spouse, I was awakened in the wee hours by a huge, junk-rattling fart. This has happened numerous times since she became a vegetarian. FML

By steve-o - 14/2/2019 15:46 - United States

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Today, I was having computer problems, so I let my friend have remote access to fix them. We were video-chatting on Skype at the time, and so he thought it'd be hilarious to load hardcore porn in my browser the moment he saw my mom enter the room from behind me. I'm now grounded. FML

By Anonymous - 10/7/2015 18:19 - United States - San Francisco

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Today, I told my best friend of 10 years that somewhere along the way I fell in love with him and I think we should be together. His response: "I appreciate the sentiment." FML

By mer - 8/2/2009 23:34 - United States

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Today, I introduced my girlfriend to my mom. The first thing my mom did was look at her breasts and mention that no matter what happens, hers were the first that I suckled on. FML

By UHM - 6/10/2013 21:54 - United States

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Today, I was driving to work and stopped at a stop light. A full 2 or 3 seconds passed, followed by a car rear-ending me. The idiot driving it got out and gave me hell, calling me a maniac because I braked "too quickly" and didn't give him a chance to react. FML

By WTF - 27/9/2015 07:57 - Poland - Wroclaw

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Today, I found out that my husband thinks its okay to have an online girlfriend and have naked pictures sent to his email because he's not "physically touching, making love, or kissing". The sad part is that the online girlfriend gets more action than me. FML

By j.b. - 2/12/2009 05:57 - United States

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Today, my company published "return to work" procedures for when the pandemic stops. HQ is in Maryland, I live in Arizona. I have worked remotely for the last 8 years. My new boss didn't know this. He wants me to move back to Maryland or find another job. FML

By fml9124 - 10/7/2020 08:01

Unreasonable

1999

Today, I found out that my CEO knows my name, when she followed me into the bathroom and called it out in a disgusted tone when I farted so loudly, she could hear it from four stalls over. FML

By missmcfarty - 1/4/2016 01:42 - Australia - Townsville

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Today, I woke up to a man stroking my leg while smelling my hair. I asked my roommate who he was and she said, "Oh, that's just my brother. He needs a place to stay and he will be living with us until June. Didn't I tell you that?" No, you didn't. FML

By Anonymous - 23/11/2010 15:51 - United States

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Today, my mom asked me if I had an eating problem because I've been eating less. I only started eating less because she told me I ate too much. FML

By hungry - 12/2/2009 00:06 - United States

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Today, my girlfriend and I were having a casual conversation, when the topic suddenly became my penis. Before I knew what was going on, she said, "It's not the size that matters though. It's how you use it. So I guess you're ok." FML

By Anonymous - 3/2/2013 16:27 - Serbia

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Today, I'm babysitting three children under the age of seven. They have no discipline, don't listen, scream all the time, won't nap, terrorize my dog, and have peed their pants a collective 5 times today. I am not getting paid for this. Their mother has no plans to come get them any time soon. FML

By Anonymous - 25/3/2011 03:36 - United States

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Today, I bought my very first car that I spent years saving for. A few hours after I signed all the papers, I let my boyfriend go for a test drive. He totaled it. FML

By Emmpag - 2/2/2020 01:00 - South Africa - Johannesburg

And then.....

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Today, with 3 miles left of a 16-mile bike ride, I got a flat tire and had to push my bike back to my car. FML

By marcy_89 - 23/7/2019 16:01

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Today, I kissed my iced over window to know what kissing Edward Cullen would be like. My neighbor saw. My first reaction was to come up with a cover story. I licked the window and wiped my sleeve over it to look like I was cleaning it. My neighbor came over later and gave me an early Christmas gift. Windex. FML

By obsessed - 27/11/2009 05:12 - United States

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Today, I got a call from my child's preschool saying that "Mindy keeps saying she sits on her daddy's lap and plays with his peter." My daughter meant 'puter, as in computer. Now the school is worried my husband is a child molester. FML

By Gumfanatic302 - 7/5/2009 01:43 - United States

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Today, I had to explain to my 18-year-old daughter why she can't pull a duck face pose for her driver's license. She still doesn't believe me. FML

By Anonymous - 3/2/2012 07:58 - United Kingdom

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Today, I was home by myself. I was singing "If I Had A Million Dollars" really loudly since I figured no one could hear me. As I'm really into the song, my neighbor shouts, "If I had a million dollars, I'd give it to you to stop singing" and slams his balcony door shut. FML

By NotAmericanIdol - 23/4/2009 20:04 - United States

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Today, I found out my husband had bought my 1-year-old daughter a shirt that says "Birth Control Fail" in pink glittery letters. He even took her out in it while I was at work. FML

By - 27/1/2020 18:00

Glittery letters

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Today, being my usual clumsy self, I slipped on the stairs and landed on my tailbone. Hard. Now, I can't even sit up. I have to drive to school and sit on a very hard plastic chair for four and a half hours tomorrow. FML

By Jenna Berreth - 1/8/2019 16:00

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Today, I found out what a lightweight my girlfriend is. After having a couple of drinks, she began flirting, then grabbed my ass. She felt around a bit before freaking out and asking where my penis was. FML

By Anonymous - 21/2/2014 17:37 - Germany - Naurath

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Today, my wife showed me a video she took of me last night. I was shit-faced, dancing half naked to '90s club music in the middle of the street at midnight. She won't stop laughing at me and replaying the video. FML

By rikitsumiatsu - 10/4/2020 02:00

This is the rhythm of the night

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Today, my ex-boyfriend sent me a photo of him getting head from a gorgeous woman. He captioned it “Jealous?” with smiley emojis. I’m not sure what’s creepier, the fact that he sent it, that he even has my new number or that we broke up more than 8 years ago. FML

By huh? - 18/9/2019 13:00 - United States - Monterey Park

Creepy Dick Pic

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Today, I got a cat so I'd have some company, since my roommate is always with her boyfriend. Too bad the cat likes her more. So now I get to sit and listen to her talk to her boyfriend to get to cuddle with my kitty. FML

By crazy cat lady - 3/11/2016 19:31 - Canada - Fredericton

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Today, my dad was teasing me, saying a guy would have to be blind to go on a date with me. I then introduced him to my new, visually impaired boyfriend. He hasn't stopped laughing. FML

By Anonymous - 14/6/2013 00:30 - United Kingdom - Southampton

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Today, my dog ran away. I looked for him for 5 hours, and when I came back home, he was waiting for me at the door. FML

By dBLIZZARD - 9/6/2015 18:39 - United States

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Today, my husband and I went to marriage counselling. I confessed something that was bothering me, but he didn't understand. Our counselor repeated word-for-word what I said right back at him. He turned to me angrily and shouted, "Why couldn't you just say that the first time?!" FML

By madari - 21/10/2012 23:11 - Spain - Benalm?dena

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Today, my grandma told me she likes to clean the house naked every day. I'm staying there all next week. FML

By Anonymous - 2/8/2019 16:03

Her House, Her Rules.

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Today, it was lovely outside so I decided to tan outside. I burn pretty easily, so I put on sunscreen. I fell asleep on my side, so when I woke up, I had a massive burn on only one side of my body, with sunglass lines. Tomorrow, I have a job interview. I'm going to go in looking like a racoon. FML

By racoonface - 19/4/2009 15:17 - United States

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