By Anonymous - 25/9/2019 18:00 - United States

The one that got away

Today, the only person who remembered my birthday was my stalker ex. He left condoms, birth control, furry handcuffs, and a lingerie set in my mailbox, with a note saying to prepare for our anniversary. We went out for a week. In sixth grade. FML

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Instadrama

Or he's just becoming an old goober

Weird kid

By Anonymous - 29/6/2020 23:01

Traditional values

Today, the seemingly normal guy I've been dating for a while told me he is a wolf spirit in a human body to bridge the gap of his ancestors and humans. What?! FML

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1186

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By mommy - 17/11/2010 12:09 - United Kingdom

Today, it was my first day back to work since having my first baby. To show I had caught up on everything, I had to give a presentation at the end of the day to the heads of my department. It went really well until the end, when one of them pointed out that breast-milk had been leaking through my clothes the entire time. FML

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By SugarCoat - 8/6/2017 18:00

Bastard Bambi busts bumper

Today, I volunteered to go get ice cream if I could use my mother's car. She told me to be VERY careful. Not ten minutes later, I hit a deer, which got up and walked off as though nothing had happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3632

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550

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By Anonymous - 14/3/2012 06:15 - Australia

Today, a Russian guy came up to me on the train and informed me that I look exactly like a typical Russian woman. He then went on to explain that I even had enough fat to survive their cold winters. FML

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26961

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By Anonymous - 31/3/2016 23:43 - United Kingdom - Broseley

Today, my boyfriend's parents decided that I was untrustworthy and that if they ever saw him with me he'd be heavily punished. They're travelling hundreds of miles just to make sure he stays in the house and doesn't talk to me. FML

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18622

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By Anonymous - 10/1/2014 23:05 - United States

Today, I realized I willingly support my boyfriend's alcoholism, because the only time he says "I love you" is when he's blind drunk. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2010 14:12 - United States

Today, I found out that my husband keeps in contact with the woman he was infatuated with in high school. He texts her more than he texts me. FML

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34302

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By Unknown - 30/6/2014 01:05 - United States

Today, I found out that the lump under my carpet that I stomped on to flatten was actually a dead frog that had gotten caught in the wrong place at the wrong time. FML

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44815

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By Jeweler - 26/6/2009 06:13 - United States

Today, my mom put some bubblewrap on my desk because she thought I would have fun with it. I'm 18. It was awesome. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/11/2010 06:27 - United States

Today, I caught my boyfriend cheating right after I maxed out my credit card buying him everything on his Christmas list. FML

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By Ignatius - 7/6/2009 19:21 - United States

Today, was teacher appreciation day at my school. They played a slideshow of all the teachers. The students cheered wildly for every teacher. When my picture came up, nobody clapped. The whole room was quiet. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/1/2014 22:21 - Canada - Surrey

Today, someone thought it would be funny to steal the precious stuffed bear I've had since childhood and leave a ransom note in its place. FML

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44620

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By roostergirl - 22/8/2009 15:39 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. As I was leaving his house I hear him shout "Hey! Wait! Sweetie, come back here!". He was talking to his cat who ran out the door behind me. FML

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By MacGrouber - 17/3/2011 00:12 - United States

Today, my bird learned to mimic my fire alarm. It proved it to me at 3 am. FML

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34729

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By Crouching Tiger, Hidden Retard - 6/8/2013 21:55 - United States

Today, my apparently braindead and now ex-boyfriend asked me if "this period thing" is going to happen a lot, and said that if it is, "we're so done." FML

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By miss_peppermint - 14/12/2018 13:30

Today, my dog of 10 years died suddenly. My husband’s response? “At least you don’t have to buy dog food anymore". FML

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2813

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By monsterinlaw - 21/1/2014 06:25 - United States - Columbus

Today, I found out that even after three years, my boyfriend's mother replies, "Unfortunately" when asked if we are still together. FML

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44455

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By CreepedOut - 29/8/2010 19:45 - United States

Today, I decided to try something new and sign up for an online dating service, since I can't meet a decent guy in person. The first guy I talked to told me he used to be in a mental hospital for obsessing over a girl, then told me he would be dreaming of me that night. FML

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35475

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By not4geeks - 15/5/2009 21:17 - United States

Today, I went out on a first date with a cute guy. Turns out we won't be going on a date again because I didn't know the difference between "Star Wars" and "Star Trek." FML

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By Ishikur - 3/2/2016 13:33 - Canada - Airdrie

Today, I tried to explain autism to my classmates. One of them, a professional cunt who's always looking for an excuse to lecture people, accused me of being "ableist" because my explanations weren't accurate, and said I shouldn't explain things I don't understand. I'm actually autistic. FML

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25361

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By Anonymous - 23/5/2019 14:00

Today, I went to get drinks for the first time with a guy I'd been talking to. He drank 4 drinks in the span of 30 minutes, and fell asleep at the table. I went to the bathroom before getting the check, and I came back to find he'd thrown up all over our table. Needless to say, I left without saying a word to him and deleted his number. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1898

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151

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By spasti-cunt - 17/5/2014 20:51 - Ireland

Today, I was on my way to my first job interview in months. I wasn't even halfway to the place when a bunch of cockbites in a car drove past and hurled a bucket of paint out the window, drenching me and several other people on the street. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/5/2009 05:43 - United States

Today, I thought it would be a good idea to superglue a couple quarters to the sidewalk downtown and watch people try to pick them up. Unfortunately, street patrol was watching me glue everything the whole time. I was fined with public vandalism and defacing US currency. FML

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17510

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By HelpMe - 25/2/2014 09:59 - United Kingdom - Galashiels

Today, my mum asked me how the guinea pig was doing. We don't have a guinea pig. Turns out she had volunteered me to look after the next door neighbor's guinea pig when they were away and 'forgot' to tell me. They have been gone two weeks. FML

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By smellychick - 14/3/2018 11:00 - United States - Hesperia

Today, my boyfriend dumped me for being a "cheating whore" when he found men’s deodorant in my bathroom cabinet. I just have abnormally strong B.O. and men’s deodorant works better for me. According to him, "No girl sweats that much." FML

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4998

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277

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By beingthebossisoverrated - 16/7/2009 02:08 - United States

Today, I realized the extent of my crush on one of my employees. I found myself cropping our picture out of the staff photo to see what we would look like as a couple. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18342

You deserved it

42016

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By talkssuck - 30/3/2009 21:44 - United States

Today, I was hooking up with my girlfriend when her dad knocked on the clear door that leads to the room. About 5 minutes later both of her parents came in to give us the "talk" which included the first time her parents did it. In detail. FML

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59312

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By im_radd - 21/1/2010 07:31 - United States

Today, while in the waiting room at the chiropractor's office, I thought I'd be sexy and flash my boyfriend. Forgetting that my iPhone was in the front pocket of my hoodie, I lifted it quickly and hit myself in the mouth. Now I have a fat bloody lip and a boyfriend who can't stop laughing. FML

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8704

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By Anonymous - 7/6/2013 07:10 - United States - Marion

Today, I was getting intimate with my girlfriend. She pulled down my trousers, saw my Poke-ball boxers, and absolutely lost it. I had to lie next to her in bed for the next 10 minutes hearing her howl with laughter while crying "Dickachu, I choose you!" FML

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60848

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By Lexiebear27 - 19/9/2011 15:56 - United States

Today, I was fired for being a very happy and perky employee. According to my boss, it freaks both the customers and my co-workers out. FML

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29882

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By stun_zeed - 17/1/2017 10:00

Today, my girlfriend called my flaccid penis her "little squishy" in a voice like Dory, and became upset when I got aroused because little squishy was gone. FML

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8951

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By unemployed - 10/3/2009 02:00 - United States

Today, as I was bagging groceries, I looked down to see a 6-year-old urinating on my shoes and the floor next to me. I told his mother that he should take her kid to the restroom, only to be told to "mind my own goddamn business." I was later fired for arguing with the customer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

155389

You deserved it

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By Hayls5 - 4/7/2009 02:19 - United States

Today, I was driving with a friend when we saw a wallet in the middle of his neighborhood road. When we picked it up, we saw it was loaded with cash. We drove to the mans house to return the wallet, and when we handed it to him he told us "I would give you a reward but I don't have any cash." FML

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49958

You deserved it

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By nickyy - 29/11/2009 02:11 - United States

Today, I learned it is best not to let your cordless mouse die while secretly watching porn right when your mom walks in. FML

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11404

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By fuck you walmart - 26/4/2013 22:03 - United States

Today, at work, I was screamed at and slapped by a woman for supposedly violating her 2nd Amendment rights. In reality, I'd simply turned her away from the 10 items or less line because she had well over the allowed number of items. I've no fucking idea what's wrong with some people. FML

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51092

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - 3/12/2012 18:39 - Australia - Perth

Today, my boyfriend discovered how to make me queef on demand when he has his fingers inside me. I now feel like my love life has been replaced with fart sounds. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36555

You deserved it

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By AzNFoo - 26/3/2009 05:20 - United States

Today, my friends and me had a little water balloon fight and somehow it led to throwing water balloons at cars. We all decided to hit a car all at once, after one came by we all hit it. The car stopped and started flashing bright blue lights. We ended up hitting an off-duty police car. FML

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13537

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By - 5/1/2020 03:00

Long thought

Today, I was on the toilet and jumped when I saw a face at the window. It was my own reflection. FML

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1391

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By Anonymous - 10/2/2011 20:06 - United States

Today, I was on the phone with a client, when the gum I was casually chewing fell out of my mouth and down my shirt. While I was trying to dig it out, two of our newest customers walked into the lobby to see what looked like me fondling my breasts. FML

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25257

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By Skoff - 23/7/2015 09:44 - Australia - Rydalmere

Today, I went out to inspect the backyard. There are now more than two dozen spiders hanging out and webs crossing from one side of the yard to the other. I have decided to surrender this territory. FML

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Top comments

By Marjo86 | 29

#7846335 - Wednesday 25 September 2019 18:04

Have you contacted the police?
If not, I really think you should.

Also: happy birthday!

By kayakninja | 6

#7846340 - Wednesday 25 September 2019 18:14

Happy birthday! Yeah, that's actionable. Call the police.

Comments

By Marjo86 | 29

#7846335 - Wednesday 25 September 2019 18:04

Have you contacted the police?
If not, I really think you should.

Also: happy birthday!

By kayakninja | 6

#7846340 - Wednesday 25 September 2019 18:14

Happy birthday! Yeah, that's actionable. Call the police.

By RichardPencil | 28

#7846344 - Wednesday 25 September 2019 18:39

Hey, give the guy a chance! What could possibly go wrong?

If nobody else is paying attention to you, maybe you ought to give some to someone who spends so extravagantly on you. Your grandkids are gonna love this story!

By mekiswrite | 19

#7846429 - Thursday 26 September 2019 1:34

I'm curious as to how long ago 6th grade was for you...

By core01 | 30

#7846436 - Thursday 26 September 2019 4:05

I love how absolutely nothing he bought was related to you specifically. Even your stalker doesn't care enough to get to know you.

By Ksweety_fml | 27

#7846525 - Thursday 26 September 2019 14:20

How did he knows where you live? And you should call the police, be sounds creepy.

By Matthew Irmen | 9

#7846864 - Saturday 28 September 2019 2:37

You went out for a week in sixth grade and you call him an ex? Wow!