Today, my girlfriend broke up with me after I beat her once again...

By Vampire Teabag - 12/2/2015 16:25 - United States - El Paso

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me after I beat her once again in a trivia game. She said that I was cheating, and if I was cheating on the game, I was definitely cheating on her as well. FML

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Love

Superficial World

The student becomes the master

Business savvy

By DabTheFuckOut - 16/9/2016 19:35 - United States - Honolulu

Today, I finally said yes to a date with a guy. I was hesistant due to him being quite a bit younger than me. On our date, he dabbed 27 times. Yes, I actually kept count. FML

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By 123roomielover - 26/1/2011 17:40 - United States

Today, I woke up to my new roommate staring at me, just a few inches from my face. She then told me how easy I would be to kill in my sleep. Then she stood up, naked from head to toe. FML

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By Sam_Licker81 - 19/11/2009 16:41 - United States

Today, I was baking cookies and opened the oven door to check on them. Apparently, wearing a gold necklace means the wave of heat will burn your very fair skin. I now have a bright red ring of stars around my neck. FML

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By PeterRabit - 25/7/2009 15:11 - Canada

Today, I was walking around in a park when I pass some kids playing soccer. One of them kicks the ball as hard as he could at me. Luckily I catch the ball. Then I drop kick the ball, intending to say "go get it." Instead it ricochets of a nearby tree and hits my face. FML

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By .............. - 20/7/2013 17:43 - Germany - Wadgassen

Today, my friend set up a profile for me on an adult dating site as a surprise. It was a surprise alright. The picture he set as my avatar was one of me stark naked, which I sent to my ex shortly before he dumped me. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/7/2016 17:45 - Mexico - Saltillo

Today, I now know how it feels to have a splinter of wood hammered a full inch underneath your fingernail. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/7/2012 01:37 - United States - Solon Springs

Today, a customer punched me in the face for repeating their order back to them because they thought I was making fun of their speech impediment. I have the same speech impediment. FML

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By thisblows - 11/4/2009 20:42 - United States

Today, I was at a professional hockey game. I wasn't paying attention and a puck was shot into the stands and hit me in the face. My mouth was bleeding and I lost two teeth. As I was trying to cough up my teeth the old man next to me shoved me over and stole the puck. Everyone cheered. FML

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By Likian5 - 5/12/2012 01:06 - United States

Today, I ran into my high school crush at Target. When I asked her if she remembered me, she patted me on the head, said, "Unfortunately," and walked away. FML

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By onlyjuggalos - 31/1/2016 08:13 - United States

Today, I told my grandpa that I want to join the police force. His response: "You wanna lynch some blacks without the jail time, eh?" FML

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By MacGrouber - 17/3/2011 00:12 - United States

Today, my bird learned to mimic my fire alarm. It proved it to me at 3 am. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/3/2016 05:55

Today, I had to drive down to my parents' house. On they way down, I needed to fill up on gas but unfortunately I'd forgotten my wallet at home with all of my cash and credit cards. I then had to call triple A and explain to them in all seriousness how I ran out of gas at the gas station. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/12/2011 00:40 - United States

Today, I cleaned my toilet. I had forgotten it was white. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/11/2010 06:02 - United States

Today, I saw an elderly woman in need of help of crossing a street. I helped her across. On the way she just about fell and held onto me to keep from hitting the ground. After she left on her bus I reached for my wallet. It was gone. I had just been robbed by a 70 year old. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/8/2012 09:23 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I was watching a movie alone with my girlfriend. She shifted positions as I put my arm around her, and ended up kneeing me in the crotch and shouldering me in the throat simultaneously. FML

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By dj163 - 16/9/2009 08:25 - Australia

Today, my (now former) best friend kicked me out of the band I started because I wasn't 'dedicated enough' after a 3 day 'holiday' to visit my dying uncle. He also during this 3 day 'holiday' convinced my girl friend to leave me and date him. FML

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By StaceZN - 22/12/2016 08:52

Today, on site, my client was certain she had switched off her electric fence prior to me conducting an inspection of her boundary retaining wall. I overbalanced on my ladder and grabbed at the fence wires for support. The electricity was not switched off. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/2/2018 08:30

Today, I asked my boyfriend of 7 months to come over on Valentine's Day so I can cook dinner for him. He asked if he could invite his wife over as well. Guess who's newly single right before Valentine's Day! FML

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By K.S.S. - 17/4/2016 02:24 - United States - Rushville

Today, when I tried to break up with my girlfriend of 2 years, she had no idea we were even dating. She thought of all the movies, dinners and "sleep overs" I had with her was because we were such great friends. FML

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By glens - 22/3/2012 06:17 - United States

Today, my company announced a new name. They also announced new coffee mugs with the name on them. They've not announced raises in over 3 years. FML

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By Lisa - 23/8/2019 22:00 - United States - Tupelo

Today, a woman came knocking on my door. Not to sell something or to chat, no. To punch me in the mouth. Apparently, I stole her husband and I'm a homewrecker. We don't have a clue who she is. My husband and I have been married for 5 years, and were high school sweethearts. FML

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By look how totally not racist I am! - 11/7/2014 03:32 - United States - Salida

Today, I was stuck on a campus tour with my subtly racist mother who, in an attempt to seem open-minded, deemed it appropriate to refer to our black tour guide as "Sistah". FML

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By southernpride93 - 18/11/2011 15:26 - United States

Today, I was involved in a car accident and hit my head on the dash. I now have huge, very sore knot on my head. My boyfriend now takes every opportunity to poke it and scream "Look! A baby unicorn!" FML

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By sifa - 10/4/2009 07:06 - Malaysia

Today, I went for a lunch interview for my dream job. The interview was great and at the end, I tried to seal the deal by complimenting my future boss. I said, "You're really hardworking. Do you always work on a Saturday?" He looked at me, smiled and then wrote something down. Today's Friday. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/12/2011 10:05 - United Kingdom

Today, I helped myself to a small glass of cocktail from the fridge, not realising it was alcoholic. I told my mom what happened. She made me drink salty water until I vomited so I wouldn't get "alcohol poisoning". I'm 19. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/9/2010 05:39 - United States

Today, after weeks of allowing my parents to borrow money, I got a check for $2000. I took it to the bank only to find out it was fake. FML

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By stupid - 26/5/2015 06:54 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I lost a book. I'd used my credit card as a bookmark. FML

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By RequilaRainbow - 26/1/2012 07:34 - Canada

Today, while waiting outside a liquor store for my boyfriend, a drunk guy leaned over my shoulder, took a large bite out of my burger, and walked away. FML

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By broke - 22/5/2017 14:00

Today, I got better sleep in my 30-year-old compact car with it being 40 degrees outside than I did in my bed. Got something to look forward to, as I'll be homeless soon. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/1/2020 00:00 - United Kingdom - Stockport

Sexy morning

Today, my sister woke me up panicking saying our kitchen was on fire, and we had to leave. She practically dragged me out of bed and all the way to the front door. When we got outside, she suddenly kneed me in the nuts and went back inside, locking the door behind her. I was only wearing boxers. FML

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By Magnus_the_Red - 9/9/2009 04:13 - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me she didn't want to get it on with me because she didn't want to ruin my innocence. FML

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By single - 8/8/2015 06:23 - United States - Houston

Today, my psycho ex crashed a date with my girlfriend. She acted like we were still together and made a big show of dumping me for cheating on her. My actual girlfriend bought it hook line and sinker. Now I'm single again. FML

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By Fubar0906 - 19/5/2009 01:11 - United States

Today, I'm on vacation. I spent $4000 to surprise my boyfriend on a trip to Hawaii. We have been together over a year. Turns out, he hates the outdoors. He's mad at me for bringing him here and is upset at everything. He's in the room reading, I'm at the bar drinking $10 Mai Tai's. FML

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By fml_seriouslyfml - 7/6/2009 01:11 - United States

Today, I left my wallet on top of my car when I filled up with gas. I drove away and didn't realize it until I got home. I went back and found it on the side of the road. Empty of my credit cards, pictures and checks. All that was left was my driver's license. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/11/2009 05:05 - Canada

Today, the guy I've been dating texted me to say he joined an online dating site. He must have thought I was the best person to share this information with. FML

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By vikts - 29/5/2012 17:52 - Luxembourg - Olm

Today, I discovered that as thanks for my successful efforts to increase my company's monthly revenue, my dumbass of a boss has been awarded a pay bonus. He's wasted no time telling everyone about the sports car he's planning to buy with it. FML

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By jackgrant - 7/12/2011 01:01 - Iran Islamic Republic of

Today, I went to a concert. Being 6'5" was a great advantage because I could see the stage from wherever I was stood. On the downside, I was used by people as a meeting point. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/3/2012 23:12 - Canada

Today, I hooked up with my ex-girlfriend, after she confessed to still being in love with me. I logged into Facebook after she left, only to find her status set to "I think I just made a big mistake." FML

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By Anonymous - 23/4/2009 13:25 - United States

Today, I parked downtown for a few minutes to pick up a pizza. As I was getting out of my car, a sketchy guy came up and asked me for $5. I told him to get lost and walked away. I walked back to the lot with my pizza and my car was gone. The sketchy guy was a parking attendent. He had my car towed. FML

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By damniphone - 29/6/2013 05:31 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, my friend thought it would be funny to change the language setting on my phone to Mandarin. Unfortunately, neither of us knows Mandarin, and we can't change it back to English. FML

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Top comments

By Welshite | 39

#6200878 - Friday 13 February 2015 0:10

She fails at logic and intelligence. No wonder you were winning all the games.

By DaBayst | 15

#6200885 - Friday 13 February 2015 0:11

Good thing you weren't playing Monopoly or Uno, you'd be a dead man.

Comments

By brunettesara5722 | 17

#6200874 - Friday 13 February 2015 0:10

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Retaheki | 27

#6200937 - Friday 13 February 2015 0:37

#1, If you've heard stories like this before, you'd know she'd probably accuse OP of doing that. It's a classic, really.

silmisstar | 23

#6201066 - Friday 13 February 2015 4:03

"Did you let me win!? Do you think I'm stupid or something!?!" There's no winning this one.

By Welshite | 39

#6200878 - Friday 13 February 2015 0:10

She fails at logic and intelligence. No wonder you were winning all the games.

devildog562 | 33

#6200911 - Friday 13 February 2015 0:20

If they play uno and monopoly they mutually hate each other by the night.

Retaheki | 27

#6200938 - Friday 13 February 2015 0:39

Bonus FML points for reference. At least she didn't have a fit!

musoboy | 22

#6201774 - Friday 13 February 2015 23:15

#14: Monopoly I get. But why should Uno have that effect? I've never experienced that.

Retaheki | 27

#6202671 - Saturday 14 February 2015 21:44

3 words; Draw Four Card.

By False_Stupidity | 41

#6200883 - Friday 13 February 2015 0:11

Right, because that makes perfect sense, to someone, somewhere, maybe.
Or just no.

Soviet_American | 29

#6201078 - Friday 13 February 2015 4:27

Trivia crack; the new relationship destroyer.

incoherentrmblr | 21

#6201199 - Friday 13 February 2015 8:06

And I thought words with friends was bad...

HyunnK | 18

#6201946 - Saturday 14 February 2015 2:22

WWF is so bad... People cheat on that game left and right.

By mikepzz | 27

#6200884 - Friday 13 February 2015 0:11

I don't think you need that insecurity in your life, good luck sir!

By DaBayst | 15

#6200885 - Friday 13 February 2015 0:11

Good thing you weren't playing Monopoly or Uno, you'd be a dead man.

MrSassypants | 32

#6200893 - Friday 13 February 2015 0:13

That's why there is red houses and red cards in those games. They're painted with the blood of the unfortunate winners.

Nymeria_fml | 25

#6200909 - Friday 13 February 2015 0:19

I can see the girlfriend throwing a fit whenever OP buys a hotel - "IS THAT WHERE YOU TAKE YOUR CHEAP WHORES TO?"

MrSassypants | 32

#6200936 - Friday 13 February 2015 0:37

"THEIR NAMES ARE JOAN AND MARTHA!"

Retaheki | 27

#6200940 - Friday 13 February 2015 0:43

-Lands on Luxury Tax- "HA, THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR BUYING ALL THAT JEWELRY FOR YOUR CHEAP BITCHES!"

Nymeria_fml | 25

#6200950 - Friday 13 February 2015 0:49

If OP lands on the GO TO JAIL space, it will be because of solicitation.

JustinJK | 21

#6201101 - Friday 13 February 2015 5:02

Or building ikea furniture :0

By RMLrapemylife | 14

#6200891 - Friday 13 February 2015 0:13

dodged a bullet there mate

By xxNIGHTxx_fml | 17

#6200894 - Friday 13 February 2015 0:14

Maybe it's time to forfeit the relationship. I'll see myself out.

By ELoni_fml | 25

#6200898 - Friday 13 February 2015 0:15

Bitches be crazy

sweetbliss3 | 37

#6201140 - Friday 13 February 2015 6:07

bitches be trippin. close, though.

By idkimhayden | 8

#6200902 - Friday 13 February 2015 0:16

Dodged a bullet there

By feven | 32

#6200906 - Friday 13 February 2015 0:17

What's next? You eat cereal? You're probably a cereal killer.