Love: Today, my girlfriend broke up with me after I beat her once again...

By Vampire Teabag - United States - El Paso

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me after I beat her once again in a trivia game. She said that I was cheating, and if I was cheating on the game, I was definitely cheating on her as well. FML

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Love

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Thanks, Marley

The one with the asshole friend

By I don't condome that, babe - United States - Lutz

Today, I overheard my boyfriend saying to his friends, "I never knew what real contraception was until I saw Laura's face." I'm Laura. FML

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By ZombiKilla - United States - Delta

Today, I went on a date. Met the guy at the restaurant, everything seemed to be going OK, but then he spent the entire dinner talking about Pokemon GO, and wouldn't let me say a word. He suddenly stops talking, gets up, says he, "doesn't feel a connection" and leaves. I had to pay the bill. FML

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By slim_breezy - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I had to rush my son to the ER after he ate a poisonous plant. He said the plant looked like one in Skyrim and he thought he'd get super powers from eating it. FML

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By rongo12

Today, I was heading to the bathroom when I clearly saw a little boy walking into my bedroom. My wife and I live alone, and I screamed at the top of my lungs, thinking he was a ghost. Turns out my wife collected him from school for a friend, and I just didn't hear them arrive. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Tucson

Today, I missed out on the chance of buying a great used car because my loan wasn't approved. Why wasn't it approved? Because the vehicle has +100k miles on it. I wish they would've told me that when I applied for the loan. FML

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By J.. - 27/4/2021 17:01

Leave us alone!

Today, I've been receiving a lot of calls from my telephone company, offering combo packages with internet, Netflix, Disney+ and whatever the fuck. We had previously resigned from their services, because the company never had the intention of fixing an outage that was caused BY THE SAME COMPANY. FML

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By Heather Scurfield - 21/3/2021 10:59

Stomach bug?

Today, I was going to be sick, so I ran to the bathroom. When I got there, I fainted, and fell back against the wall. When I came around, I immediately vomited all down my body, in my hair, and all over the floor. My cat judged me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was in my psychology class taking the hardest test ever. After I spent most of the period trying to fill in the few answers that I knew, I looked up to see everyone with their notebooks on their desks. It was an open-note test. FML

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By Bob - United States

Today, I was working at a local restaurant when another server's table called me over to ask if I've "ever killed anybody". They informed me I looked like a serial killer. I informed them, of course, that I have never killed anybody. Another customer claimed I scared her child. I was fired. FML

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By EpicBunBun

Today, while getting intimate with my boyfriend, I thought he went to change the music on his phone. He had stopped mid-action just to check sports scores. FML

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Nothing

Today, I realized that I'm on the top of not having my drivers license/ state ID (I was submitting my taxes and needed it) I also threw away my brand new passport because I thought it was trash in my boyfriends car. FML

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469

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By Jamie - United States

Today, to get back at me for our recent breakup, my ex put a "9/11 was an inside job!" bumper sticker on my car. I work for the government in New York City, and I just got a text saying that my manager wants to talk to me. FML

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By ShiddyDiddy

Today, my girlfriend's obsession with her bird reached a new level when she wrote him a song specifically for after he poops. FML

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By LaughingFML - Canada - Oshawa

Today, my best friend jokingly blocked my number until I apply for a job. She is also supposed to be picking me up from the airport, so now I have no way to contact her to tell her what time. FML

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By Hellau - France

Today, I was baby-sitting four rather noisy and rowdy kids. After a two hour struggle, I finally manage to get them into bed. I then ask them what they want before going to sleep, and the eldest replies: "Can you tell us a story where you die at the end?" FML

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By Peppered and Zapped

Appropriate force

Today, I'm recovering from being pepper-sprayed, beat with a baton and Tased, and arrested for assault. I'm a bouncer and was trying to remove a drunk asshole from the bar when the police showed up. FML

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By dpimente - 17/12/2020 11:05

With friends like these…

Today, I checked my bank account online and noticed two checks that I didn't write had gone through, so I got copies of them and recognized the handwriting. It was my best friend's. FML

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By runsinthefamily - United States - Aurora

Today, my neighbor called the cops on me, claiming I'd threatened him with a gun. Despite zero proof, they took me to the station and gave me hell. I guess what I've learned today is that you should never offend your crazy neighbor by breaking up with his daughter. FML

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By Awie - Austria

Today, it was our 5th anniversary, so I decided to play a little joke on my girlfriend. Before I gave her the real present, an engagement ring, I gave her a gift-wrapped rolling pin instead. I ended up in the hospital. FML

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By cutup - United States - Gainesville

Today, I tried to trim my dog's nails. After about a half hour of barking, biting, and general freaking out, I gave up and decided to pay someone else to do it. I'm a vet, and do this for a living. FML

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By NotTheMomma

Today, I've stopped smoking, lost 30 pounds, taken several painful tests, and checked my ovulation daily in an effort to get pregnant. My husband has only had one task during the entire process, and after hours of gaming, he says he's just too tired to have sex. FML

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By chee - United States

Today, I told my mom, "I love you". She responded with, "What? I never told you I loved you." FML

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By kawood - United States

Today, I had to sit in the hospital with my 88-year-old grandfather by myself. During the five hours I was there, he insisted on sharing the intimate details of his many sexcapades that he has had since World War II. FML

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By booger - United States - Plano

Today, while lying in bed, my boyfriend began to stroke my nose. "You can pick your girlfriend, but you can't pick your girlfriend's nose," I said playfully. In response, he shouted "Yes, I can!" before painfully jamming his pinky up my left nostril. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it was my last day with my boyfriend before he went to college. At the store, he got a huge box of condoms. When I asked why he was getting so many, he said they were for the girls he meets at college. He then asked me to steal them for him. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I moved back into my room, which I'd sublet for a few months. The subtenant never paid any rent and is gone, but she did leave me something: my own underwear on the floor, which she apparently liked to wear, but didn't seem to like to wash. FML

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By Anonymous - Mexico - Ensenada

Today, I was denounced for being a terrible person, because my family raises chickens, some of which we eat. I was then told how cruel I am for "killing innocent birds" and that "good" people buy their meat from the supermarket. FML

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By thanks_world - United States - Everett

Today, nothing said Christmas quite like my dad taking 18 shots of vodka, falling on the Christmas tree while holding our 3-year-old cousin and denying it ever happened when he woke up later. FML

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By tammy - France

Today, a wasp stung my nipple. Twice. The swelling makes it look like I'm growing a third breast. FML

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By Tang - United States - Fort Lauderdale

Today, I asked my boyfriend why he wasn't on Facebook for the last two days. It turned out his father found out we were talking, and banned him from logging on. He's 19. FML

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By dolceconfuoco - United States

Today, I have an ear infection, and everything I hear echoes inside my head. I'm an orchestra teacher, and we have our first concert next week. FML

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By infrontofninepeople - Hungary - Budapest

Today, I went on a Segway tour in Budapest. The Segways have an automatic speed limiter, and to release it and get back to normal speed, you have to brake. Unfortunately, I forgot my speed limiter was on and so, while trying to brake, I instead returned to normal speed and crashed into a tree. FML

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By LosTits - United States

Today, I saw my boyfriend after not seeing him for 7 months. During this time I have lost a lot of weight and am proud of it. My boyfriend didn't say anything about the lost weight. When we were alone and things started to heat up, he took off my bra and said "I think your tits are smaller." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was fired from my job for sexual harassment. I was shopping after work, and I had to get my female manager to give me a package of extra-large condoms from the lockbox. I could not convince her that I was not flirting, and she took it to HR. FML

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By mustachio101 - United States - Montgomery

Today, my boyfriend thought it appropriate to let me know that doing the "duck face" in my Facebook pictures "highlights my mustache." FML

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By yeah_im_mad_bro - Canada

Today, it's been a week since my little brother took up his new hobby of posting "cool story, bro" in reply to almost every Facebook status and comment that I make. Not only do I already want to smash his face against a brick wall, my parents will ground me if I defriend any family members. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I got home from work, took a shower, got ready for bed, and laid down right in cat piss. Now I'm shampooing the mattress and taking another shower just to sleep on the couch. FML

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By kel - United Kingdom - Coventry

Today, I was watching some episodes of The Walking Dead with my boyfriend, after recently introducing him to the series. A scene involving Carl came on, and my boyfriend said, "God damn. You ever give me a kid that annoying, I'll shoot both of ya right in the head." FML

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By Katsuria - 25/7/2020 14:01

Unreasonable

Today, my mother disowned me because I wouldn’t fill out her visa application for France so that she can see her boyfriend. The reason why I refused was because my husband and I are on our honeymoon, and would like to spend some time together. I guess that makes me a “useless” daughter. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - New Bremen

The gift that keeps on giving!

Today, for our Christmas gift exchange, we were supposed to all bring alcohol. I got a Crown Royal Apple box with a couple of positive pregnancy tests. FML

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Top comments

By Welshite | 39

#6200878 - Friday 13 February 2015 0:10

She fails at logic and intelligence. No wonder you were winning all the games.

By DaBayst | 15

#6200885 - Friday 13 February 2015 0:11

Good thing you weren't playing Monopoly or Uno, you'd be a dead man.

COMMENTS

By brunettesara5722 | 17

#6200874 - Friday 13 February 2015 0:10

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Retaheki | 27

#6200937 - Friday 13 February 2015 0:37

#1, If you've heard stories like this before, you'd know she'd probably accuse OP of doing that. It's a classic, really.

silmisstar | 23

#6201066 - Friday 13 February 2015 4:03

"Did you let me win!? Do you think I'm stupid or something!?!" There's no winning this one.

By Welshite | 39

#6200878 - Friday 13 February 2015 0:10

She fails at logic and intelligence. No wonder you were winning all the games.

devildog562 | 33

#6200911 - Friday 13 February 2015 0:20

If they play uno and monopoly they mutually hate each other by the night.

Retaheki | 27

#6200938 - Friday 13 February 2015 0:39

Bonus FML points for reference. At least she didn't have a fit!

musoboy | 22

#6201774 - Friday 13 February 2015 23:15

#14: Monopoly I get. But why should Uno have that effect? I've never experienced that.

Retaheki | 27

#6202671 - Saturday 14 February 2015 21:44

3 words; Draw Four Card.

By False_Stupidity | 41

#6200883 - Friday 13 February 2015 0:11

Right, because that makes perfect sense, to someone, somewhere, maybe.
Or just no.

Soviet_American | 29

#6201078 - Friday 13 February 2015 4:27

Trivia crack; the new relationship destroyer.

incoherentrmblr | 21

#6201199 - Friday 13 February 2015 8:06

And I thought words with friends was bad...

HyunnK | 18

#6201946 - Saturday 14 February 2015 2:22

WWF is so bad... People cheat on that game left and right.

By mikepzz | 27

#6200884 - Friday 13 February 2015 0:11

I don't think you need that insecurity in your life, good luck sir!

By DaBayst | 15

#6200885 - Friday 13 February 2015 0:11

Good thing you weren't playing Monopoly or Uno, you'd be a dead man.

MrSassypants | 32

#6200893 - Friday 13 February 2015 0:13

That's why there is red houses and red cards in those games. They're painted with the blood of the unfortunate winners.

Nymeria_fml | 25

#6200909 - Friday 13 February 2015 0:19

I can see the girlfriend throwing a fit whenever OP buys a hotel - "IS THAT WHERE YOU TAKE YOUR CHEAP WHORES TO?"

MrSassypants | 32

#6200936 - Friday 13 February 2015 0:37

"THEIR NAMES ARE JOAN AND MARTHA!"

Retaheki | 27

#6200940 - Friday 13 February 2015 0:43

-Lands on Luxury Tax- "HA, THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR BUYING ALL THAT JEWELRY FOR YOUR CHEAP BITCHES!"

Nymeria_fml | 25

#6200950 - Friday 13 February 2015 0:49

If OP lands on the GO TO JAIL space, it will be because of solicitation.

JustinJK | 21

#6201101 - Friday 13 February 2015 5:02

Or building ikea furniture :0

By RMLrapemylife | 14

#6200891 - Friday 13 February 2015 0:13

dodged a bullet there mate

By xxNIGHTxx_fml | 17

#6200894 - Friday 13 February 2015 0:14

Maybe it's time to forfeit the relationship. I'll see myself out.

By ELoni_fml | 25

#6200898 - Friday 13 February 2015 0:15

Bitches be crazy

sweetbliss3 | 37

#6201140 - Friday 13 February 2015 6:07

bitches be trippin. close, though.

By idkimhayden | 8

#6200902 - Friday 13 February 2015 0:16

Dodged a bullet there

By feven | 32

#6200906 - Friday 13 February 2015 0:17

What's next? You eat cereal? You're probably a cereal killer.