By sara - 24/7/2020 23:01

Spotted

Today, I discovered my first wrinkle at the same time as my millionth zit. FML

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1065

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Serious times

Rock, hard place

Family matters

By abjoro

Today, I found out that the cute guy who sits in front of me in class and who keeps looking at me over his right shoulder is not interested in me as I had been led to believe. He has mild Tourrette's and his tick happens to be scratching his chin over his right shoulder. FML

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4000

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423

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Aylesbury

Today, I tried waxing for the first time. At first it felt like I'd dipped my balls in a furnace. Now I can't even feel them. FML

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41383

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22981

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By catlady - United Kingdom

Today, it's my anniversary. I've been a single cat-lady for exactly one year. FML

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30693

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8475

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By 123literateABC - United States - Grand Haven

Today, at work, the janitor would not stop telling me how good I looked. This was after he told me he was fired for sexual harassment at his last job. He clearly learned that lesson. FML

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22411

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1514

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By NotAPrincess - United States - San Francisco

Today, while waitressing, I served a family with a little girl who was wearing a Frozen shirt. I told her I'm friends with Elsa and that she taught me to sing. The girl asked me to sing a song, so I did. Not even 5 seconds in, she started bawling. FML

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30203

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By sleepy - United States

Today, I had a Biochemistry quiz. I studied all night but took a nap to get some rest because my quiz was in the morning. I woke up at 10 feeling very confident. My quiz was at 9. FML

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15888

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I decided to get back into shape. I went for a jog around my neighborhood. The ice cream truck followed me for my whole jog, mocking me. FML

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36969

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By humanalarmclock - United States

Today, I realized my boyfriend only asks me to come spend the night when he needs me to wake him up in the morning. FML

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30316

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By KayEffEh - Canada - Georgetown

Today, my girlfriend admitted that she "probably wasn't even sober" when I asked her out and she said yes. Our almost 2-year relationship is the longest drunken mistake ever. FML

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38132

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3429

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By GreatAim - United States

Today, I was at my friends house for the first time in months. I saw her newest chihuahua dog, Mickey, and he was excited that new people were over. I picked him up and slightly bounced him in the air. Because of the bounce and his excitement, he peed a little bit, straight into my eye. FML

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18162

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By bummed - United States

Today, I found out a 6-month pregnant woman is claiming my boyfriend to be the father. Even though this would have been previous to our relationship, he already has two kids from getting girls pregnant in high school. I guess he didn't learn his lesson the first two times. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Houston

Today, my mom barged into my room, threw 5 boxes of condoms at me, then said, "So you don't get pregnant". She still hasn't accepted the fact that I'm a lesbian. FML

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1761

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172

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after searching for a job for over a year now, I finally got an interview. The pressure made me so nervous that I passed out in the middle of it. FML

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33234

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5654

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By sunil - Canada - Calgary

Today, my 8-year-old son microwaved his pet hamster. FML

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59493

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9893

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By rubmytummy - United States

Today, I was helping my church clean up a park. I was given a sledgehammer and told to break up a concrete picnic table so we could haul it off. About half way through I swung the sledgehammer REALLY hard, completely missed the table, and hit myself in the shin. FML

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58697

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23280

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By U_U - United States

Today, my husband confessed his pregnancy fetish to me, and now wants me to wear a fake belly when we have sex. FML

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55891

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5096

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By what the fuck, mate - Australia

Today, I started working my crappy, minimum-wage retail job at a local electronics store. An hour into my shift, my boss sent me to scrub out a discount bin, after some drunk cunt in his teens staggered into the place yelling, and puked his guts into it. What a life. FML

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21351

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2546

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By tal - France

Today, I packed my bags and left for the airport. When I passed through security, the X-ray scanner discovered that my cat had also come along for the ride. FML

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31222

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3781

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By lilmamma - United States

Today, I took my four year old son to the playground. When it was time to go, he squirmed out of my arms back to the jungle gym. Not being the type of mother to put up with bad behavior, I swatted his rear and told him we had to go. That's when I realized I'd just spanked the wrong child who was wearing the same coat as my son. FML

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17102

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By damnit - United States

Today, I had a wet dream. The problem was that I was dreaming about watching porn. I can't even get laid in my dreams. FML

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25547

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4220

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By Brea - United States

Today, I wanted to annoy my sister by playing the air horn app on my iPhone. I forgot that I had headphones in. Let's just say I quickly had to change my underwear. FML

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9831

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By Kiera Ayala

Today, I got into bed as my cat crept under it. I then heard him gagging, so I instantly got back up to get him out, because my floor is carpeted. As I pulled him into the hall, he flew upwards, made a horrific "Blagh!" sound, projectile vomited everywhere, then hit the wall and ran. FML

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1495

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275

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By whotouchedyou1 - United States - Cypress

Today, while my teacher was demonstrating how to use the ultrasound equipment, we all figured out that I'm pregnant. FML

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57058

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By jkmartinjk - Canada - Chilliwack

Today, on an important call with a potential employer, he began to speak quieter and quieter until I couldn't hear him at all. When I finally hung up after waiting for 5 minutes, I realized that I had been pressing down on the volume button. FML

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9595

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By helluvasinger - South Africa

Today, I went to a karaoke bar that my girlfriend works at. I'm a halfway decent singer, so I picked out a song we both liked and decided to give it a go. Halfway through the song I sneezed, tripped, fell off the stage and knocked myself out in front of my girlfriend and fifty bar patrons. FML

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31026

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By zzarzzur - United States - San Francisco

Today, I installed motion sensor lights in my house to save on energy. When I laid down in bed, I saw the lights turn on from downstairs to the kitchen. I live alone. FML

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24654

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1835

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By ihatelaura - United States

Today, I had to clean my boyfriend's puke off of our bed. Last night he ditched me to go out partying, came home, threw up, and passed out. He thinks it's only fair I clean up today because he's "not feeling well". FML

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32031

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By Anonymous - Australia - Wheelers Hill

Today, I decided to dye my hair blue. The result is slightly different than I expected: my white bathroom is now blue, and so are my skin and nails. The only thing that isn't blue is my hair, which is now green. FML

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44350

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By B-rent - United States

Today, I discovered that the lovely, hunger-inducing smell that's been lingering around the office lately is from the local animal crematory. I've been wistfully inhaling the stench of burning cats, dogs, and other various animals. FML

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35919

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By Anonymous - United States - Newark

Today, my friends took my work laptop and changed the sounds. Now, whenever I remove a USB device, a woman's voice screams "Put it back!" and when I insert a USB device, it says "Oh, you need to push it in harder!" I don't know how to change it back. FML

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60449

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By Anonymous - 9/11/2020 23:01

Rock n Roll is a dirty business

Today, I was in a band with some friends and we got our first gig at a local festival, but I'd already agreed to work serving drinks at the festival. My bandmates got really annoyed and kicked me out of the band. They then went ahead and performed the song that I WROTE, without me, at the festival where i was working. FML

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607

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753

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By RAB - 18/7/2020 02:02

Lovin' it

Today, as the manager of a McDonald's, I had to ask a group of high school kids to calm down after several complaints from other guests. Their rational response was to pour soda on my head and throw burgers at me. Upon returning from chasing them out, I sprained my foot. FML

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1827

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138

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By arbiter3

Today, I was watching Animal Planet while babysitting my 4 year-old niece. A really cute baby bunny came on and I called her into the room, only for her to see it get killed by a Bald Eagle. Now she won't stop crying. FML

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36003

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By BreakingTheMood - Finland - Vanda

Today, in the small hours of the morning, my roommate's boyfriend kicked his foot through the thin wall separating our bedrooms during sex. They didn't even stop. FML

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53770

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to a social event with a very attractive male co-worker. Things were going awesome, we were flirting and really hitting it off. Then his 'wife' called. FML

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30440

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By Anonymous - Mexico

Today, my blanket got caught on my nose ring and it took my boyfriend over an hour to get it free. Afterwards, he admitted he was trying not to laugh because it reminded him of a bullfight. FML

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13521

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By cakefete2 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was reviewing documents at work, only to find one of my coworkers has been signing off on paperwork, claiming he's been walking one of the residents daily. Aside from being a double leg amputee, the patient died two weeks ago. The state review board comes this week. FML

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41175

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to the doctor about my bruised runners toes. She was inexperienced when It came to athletic injuries, so she googled my condition. I just paid to have her tell me exactly what I had already just googled before I left for my appointment. FML

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46063

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By redjesus69 - United States

Today, after almost nine months of doing anything and everything to show my love for my girlfriend and make her happy, she told me she would give "anything" to relive the one week of her and her ex's relationship where she was the happiest in her life. FML

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32459

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3512

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By ForgottenKid - United States

Today, I saw my grandmother. All of my cousins and I went to say "hi" to her, one by one. When I got up to her and said, "Hi grandma!", she said in Chinese, "I don't remember this one." FML

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Top comments

By bloopaloop | 27

#7925193 - Saturday 25 July 2020 1:36

So do you still get carded or do people help you walk across the street?

By RichardPencil | 28

#7925199 - Saturday 25 July 2020 2:25

I'd say "Pics or it's fake," but I'm afraid you'd call my bluff.

COMMENTS

By Charlie Given | 23

#7925183 - Saturday 25 July 2020 0:20

I feel your pain 😭

By bloopaloop | 27

#7925193 - Saturday 25 July 2020 1:36

So do you still get carded or do people help you walk across the street?

princess_stabitty | 17

#7925429 - Sunday 26 July 2020 0:20

That's a good one, LOL xD

By RichardPencil | 28

#7925199 - Saturday 25 July 2020 2:25

I'd say "Pics or it's fake," but I'm afraid you'd call my bluff.