By sara - 24/7/2020 23:01

Spotted

Today, I discovered my first wrinkle at the same time as my millionth zit. FML

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1041

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132

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Delayed proposal

Vultures

Don't give up

By Anonymous - 7/12/2010 18:32 - United States

Today, I sent a picture to my girlfriend of my erect penis with a quote saying "It's waiting for you." She responded with a picture of her left hand showing her left ring finger with a quote saying "It's waiting for you too." FML

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15014

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By grantsidiots - 27/11/2013 05:51 - Australia

Today, my fiancée broke up with me over text message while I was away for work. She later posted photos of her and her new boyfriend on Facebook, while still wearing my engagement ring. FML

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56670

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3129

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By Anonymous - 6/1/2015 16:40 - Vietnam - Ho Chi Minh City

Today, at a candlelit dinner, I accidentally set my dad's leg on fire. FML

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29521

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By calvinjakobs - 9/11/2019 03:00

Same name but distant

Today, I met the most compatible and perfect girl for me. After days of talking and finally setting up a date. We found out that we both live in different continents, just our city name has been the same. I was waiting at the restaurant for 5 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2487

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500

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By LoveMyNewBro - 4/1/2011 10:56

Today, my dad told me he had been seeing someone for a while and has decided to marry her. When I met her, her son looked familiar. I lost my virginity to him. FML

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49921

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By baddoggy - 17/10/2010 08:13 - United States

Today, I went to pick up my dog from the vet after she had surgery. I somehow managed to lock my keys, my purse, and my dog in the car. FML

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12069

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By WickedRene - 2/8/2014 01:57 - United States - Rochester

Today, I was watching my 3 year old brother. He asked me to get him a cookie and I said, "What's the magic word?" He looked at me angrily and said "Bitch, please." FML

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48814

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By wow babe - 19/11/2012 17:46 - United States - Arnold

Today, my boyfriend went down on me for the first time. He definitely killed the mood when, while down there, he started saying, "Nomnomnomnom." FML

I agree, your life sucks

38858

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By phonegotlostinthepark - 3/12/2013 17:54 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I lost my phone. I called the number from my friend's phone, hoping I could find it. A guy answered, laughed "Thanks for the phone!" and hung up. FML

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51077

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4125

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By marcymoo - 11/3/2013 04:09 - Australia - Perth

Today, I woke to find my laptop and printer covered in what smells like pee. My boyfriend then confessed to me that he occasionally "sleep-pees". It's like sleepwalking, but where he urinates on random objects. FML

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35808

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By PokeWife - 6/2/2013 13:38 - United States - Omaha

Today, my husband started a conversation with, "In Pokémon" and ended the same conversation with "and that's why we should divorce." FML

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49166

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By inpain - 2/12/2011 05:14 - United States

Today, I learned that my hairdo must resemble a rat. I found out when a hawk swooped down and dug its claws into my head while I was sunbathing. FML

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26843

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6178

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By Godmish - 2/1/2009 05:37 - France

Today, I received a text message from my girlfriend saying: "Do you remember last time we slept together?", I answer straight away "Of course I do, it was great!". To which she replies: "I hope you made the most of it: it was the last". FML

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31175

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - 8/4/2012 18:55 - United States - Perris

Today, I realized the reason my 20-year-old daughter has been so moody and aggressive is because she missed the promotional My Little Pony toys at McDonald's. FML

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26808

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5173

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By Sophie - 7/6/2012 07:47 - United Kingdom

Today, I was staying at my boyfriend's house for the first time. It's a small, old cottage in the countryside. I went up for a shower and didn't realise that the plug hole was blocked. Before I knew it, the bathroom floor was completely flooded and the ceiling below was dripping. FML

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21958

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By Anonymous - 2/5/2013 12:50 - Canada - Airdrie

Today, my dog had her stomach pumped because she ate some cookies. The 100 cookies I made for a bake sale to be exact. FML

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44377

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By Unhappymothersday - 17/5/2012 20:41 - United States - Raleigh

Today, I woke up to the sound of my car being stolen. FML

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28400

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2147

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By Jjh99q - 3/10/2017 22:30 - United States

Today, I stayed until 11 PM washing, wiping, and mopping up the entire restaurant. I forgot to clock in. FML

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3342

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636

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By fmyhabit - 15/4/2011 05:34 - United States

Today, I accidentally pocket dialed my sister while I was masturbating. FML

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23781

You deserved it

57213

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By poisonivyandbigfoot - 19/9/2017 16:00

Today, I was playing a game on my boyfriend's phone when he got a text from a girl saying, "last night was so fun." When I asked him about it, he panicked and said, "we were hunting Bigfoot." FML

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3999

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299

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By catpeecathy - 14/9/2009 04:20 - United States

Today, I was looking in my laundry basket for a clean tank top to wear. As I felt around, I realized that most of my clothes were still wet after two days. After asking my mom what was wrong with the dryer, I found out that for two days my cat had been using my laundry basket as a litter box. FML

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36509

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By rainonmyparade - 17/3/2010 05:09 - United States

Today, I called my dad to tell him my boyfriend had proposed to me, and that we're planning on being married this summer. He was surprised at the short engagement, so I said, "Well, we're almost 30." Dad replied, "Wow, I left your mom when I was 35!" So not the conversation for that information, Dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27581

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By hopeless - 6/7/2012 05:46 - United States

Today, I found out that the only reason my boyfriend got a job was so that he could buy weed. FML

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25733

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By dntstopmenow - 14/3/2009 05:27 - United Kingdom

Today, I was writing a very important email to my college professor. I went upstairs for something and came back down to send it. I later asked him today why he hadn't responded to which he said "I'm flattered...but can't." My roommate had added "love you xxx" at the end of the email. FML

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59118

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By 3peeps - 30/12/2011 07:13 - United States

Today, I came to the conclusion that I was right about thinking how much it would hurt to hit your head on a door-frame, stub your toe on a stone table leg, and then trip over your cat, who won't take it well and will probably claw your recently stubbed toe. FML

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25331

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By ladeda - 7/3/2009 07:01 - United States

Today, my name was called during an assembly because I won some sort of prize. Everyone booed. FML

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74322

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6720

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By - 25/4/2019 04:00

Today, it's been a week and a half since our hot water stopped working. Our landlord said he'll get on to it "in 3 days", after having said this already a few days before. I have to wash myself with a bucket and boiled water. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1943

You deserved it

155

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By stickyface - 24/10/2010 05:18 - Canada

Today, I decided to be adventurous and give my boyfriend head in the downstairs tv room. Just as he was about to cum I heard someone walking towards the door. I took my mouth off to get up and lock the door just as he came. Didn't make it to the door but my dad saw something he will never forget. FML

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13920

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41336

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By Anonymous - 7/5/2016 01:40 - United States - Walnut

Today, I walked in on my mom in the bathroom, washing a dildo. FML

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17093

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By heartattack - 3/2/2019 16:00

Today, after I moved into my new 1930's house, my elderly rescue dog raised her hackles and stared at the wall behind my bed for two full minutes. I thought she might have recognized something from her old job. She's a retired cadaver dog. I guess I'm never sleeping, again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2456

You deserved it

190

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By RingRing - 11/12/2010 07:12 - United States

Today, I was about to get on stage for a choir concert, and realized I had no where to put my phone. Running out of time, I tucked it in the front of my dress and got on stage. I should have put it on silent first. FML

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8407

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By Anonymous - 6/9/2012 02:02 - United States

Today, I received the "employee of the month" title from the job I was fired from last week. FML

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25914

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1815

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By Anonymous - 10/3/2015 23:15 - United States - Angleton

Today, I jokingly sent my girlfriend a link to an article about giving better head. She didn't think it was funny, and has since sent me numerous articles about the female orgasm, and I just got a link to the Wikipedia article about the clitoris. FML

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16576

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By new 2 twitter - 10/1/2017 23:23

Today, I had to make a Twitter account, because that is apparently the best way to get news from our new president. FML

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6502

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By Anonymous - 3/8/2011 17:03 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I snuck into the bathroom together at his house for a quickie. Just as we unzipped our pants, his step-dad knocked on the door. Panicking, I jumped into the closet to hide. When his step-dad came in, he went to put some towels away. In the closet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16047

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By help me - 16/3/2016 01:05 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I have watched the Elmo's World episode featuring balls ten times in a row. The toddler I'm watching screams if I put on something different. His mom just said she was stuck in traffic. She should be back in about five and a half more replays. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16648

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1432

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By banananana - 25/9/2019 20:00 - Switzerland

Gag reflex

Today, my dentist applied a paste on my teeth to make them more resistant. It tasted so disgustingly like artificial banana that I had to throw up. I'm not allowed to brush my teeth, drink or eat for 4 hours. FML

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1301

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170

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By Anonymous - 5/11/2019 19:00 - Australia

Unhappy birthday

Today, my cleaner wished me a happy birthday. My family and friends forgot. FML

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1935

You deserved it

180

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By Anonymous - 10/9/2018 13:00

3spooky5me

Today, I stayed the night at a friend's house for the first time. I went to get water from the kitchen when I saw a cat staring at me. I looked back and it ran off. I told my friend about it. He doesn’t have a cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2487

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212

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By coffeeshopgirl - 8/5/2012 00:25 - United Kingdom

Today, I'm cheering myself up about being newly single by having a sleepover with my best friends. Their boyfriends have all decided to sleep over as well though, so I'm currently alone in a corridor with nothing but the sound of all my friends having loud sex to keep me company. FML

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41696

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Top comments

By bloopaloop | 27

#7925193 - Saturday 25 July 2020 1:36

So do you still get carded or do people help you walk across the street?

By RichardPencil | 28

#7925199 - Saturday 25 July 2020 2:25

I'd say "Pics or it's fake," but I'm afraid you'd call my bluff.

COMMENTS

By Charlie Given | 22

#7925183 - Saturday 25 July 2020 0:20

I feel your pain 😭

By bloopaloop | 27

#7925193 - Saturday 25 July 2020 1:36

So do you still get carded or do people help you walk across the street?

princess_stabitty | 16

#7925429 - Sunday 26 July 2020 0:20

That's a good one, LOL xD

By RichardPencil | 28

#7925199 - Saturday 25 July 2020 2:25

I'd say "Pics or it's fake," but I'm afraid you'd call my bluff.