Today, I thought my house was being broken into in the dead of night. Frightened, I dismounted a floor lamp as a makeshift weapon and crept through the house, channelling my inner Ellen Ripley. It turned out to be the wireless printer with a paper jam. FML
Collection
Autumn: Leaves and Laughter
When the leaves fall, the laughter rises. Discover autumn stories as crisp as dried leaves!
Today, I was home alone. It was very dark and so I went to turn on the lights, when I heard the sound of a gun loading. I dropped to the floor but never heard a gun fire. I got up and heard the sound again. When I got lights on, I discovered it was only my printer telling me it was out of paper. FML
Today, I spent an hour in my car terrified to go inside because I thought my house was being burgled. I saw rapid shadows in the light of my lounge. Eventually I plucked up the courage to creep inside with a rock to find it wasn't a robber. It was my cats, fighting in front of a toppled lamp. FML
Today, after spending the evening with friends, I went home and realized that the living room light was on. Thinking someone was robbing me, I hid behind a bush. I got impatient and crept up to the door. Then I remembered that I'd left the light on before I left. FML
Today, I woke up to noises in my living room. I was scared, but I loaded my gun and snuck downstairs. I burst into the living room, yelled for the motherfucker robbing me to put his hands up, and flicked on the light. My cat stared back at me like I was a moron then calmly walked out. FML
Today, I was lying in bed, staring at the ceiling with the lights off. It was 1AM and I'd just finished watching a scary movie so I was a little paranoid. I was about to fall asleep when an eerie light lit the room. I jumped, got tangled in the sheets, and hit my head against the bed frame. Where'd the light come from? Not a space ship. Not someone breaking in. It was my phone. FML
Today, I was stepping out of the shower while home alone. I heard voices coming from the living room. I grabbed a bat to defend myself and ran into the living room. I slipped on my tile floor and smashed my TV with the bat. No one was in my house, but I'd left the radio on. FML
Today, I left work early, and discovered I was locked out of my house. I subsequently had to use a spoon I found on the ground to smash the bathroom window. I cut my leg on the glass when I climbed through. While inspecting the wound, I felt a lump in my pocket. It was my house key. FML
Today, after my house almost got broken into last week, when I heard some noises in the kitchen I went to investigate. I saw a huge rat run across my floor, and nearly peed myself thinking it was an intruder. FML
Today, I took my new laptop into my house from my car, thinking it would be a too much of a target for kids grabbing it. I came home tonight to find my door kicked in, my laptop gone and my TV ripped from the wall. FML
Today, I called the police because I thought a burglar had broken into our house. I found out the strange noise was just my dog fucking about, so I smashed a small window and kicked down a door so I wouldn't be embarrassed. FML
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Top comments
rhcpalex93 0
hit it anyway!
TK1279 2
Ellen Ripley? ha win
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Comments (73)
jakeisawake 3
A floor lamp is like a high-voltage baseball stick, but most robbers come equipped with a gun... But with all that effort, you could have still went Ellen Ripley on the printer.
stronghand0331 17
Yeah, that happened to me when I robbed a Macy's before... Only they channeled Martha Stewart. And she still has anger issues from being sent to prison.
DmnUall 0
lemme get this straight... you life is ****** because it WASNT a robber and you did something silly that only you would have known about had you not posted it on the internet? are you ******* serious? you sound like a gibbering idiot to me. how about I break into your house and have a lamp-saber battle with you which ultimately ends with my victory and me peeing in your salad crisper?
Hemi_Driven 3
Ellen Ripley hunted giant beastly ALIENS with a big wicked MACHINE GUN. You were hunting OFFICE EQUIPMENT with a LAMP. Don't try to make your fears sound bad ass when they're not.
DocBastard 38
OP, if you lived in South Africa, the would-be robber would have brought you a greeting card and a bottle of Merlot prior to tossing your house.
yumsugarr 8
that's not so bad, at least no one was there to see it.
zexy27 0
woah!!! how diabolical.... the thief jammed the printer and got away....
Hemi_Driven 3
Ha! That made me laugh out loud at work.
Lolzords 11
AND THERE WAS A BLOODY HOOK STUCK IN THE PRINTER DUNH DUNH DUNHHHHHHHHH
aback 4
Win!
wDeemish 0
LMAO :L not a FML tho :
bassdredd 2
who the hell is ellen ripley? YDI for not having a boyfriend to do this kind of stuff