Today, while dancing at my studio, our instructor was giving...

By apparentlyunsexy - 27/10/2011 04:00 - United States

Today, while dancing at my studio, our instructor was giving us all characters opposite of ourselves to portray in an improv solo. My friends got cool things like "creepy" and "vulnerable". I got "extremely sexy". FML

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Miscellaneous

Proactive

Does it taste good?

Weird kid

By number2 - 18/10/2011 01:14 - United States

Today, while sitting on the toilet, my phone pocket dialed my boss's cell. He was in the next stall. He answered. FML

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By jellybean_94 - 15/8/2009 04:33 - Canada

Today, I found out that my parents are first cousins. FML

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By hushed - 30/8/2017 15:14 - Canada - Leduc

Everyone's A Critic

Today, I was hushed in a theatre during a play. I would normally appreciate a discreet silencing in the audience, but I was saying my lines. FML

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By ouch - 19/12/2009 15:15 - United States

Today, I was lying in bed with the worst stomach cramps ever. My boyfriend came, looked at me writhing in pain, and said, "Well at least if it's a tapeworm you'll get skinnier." FML

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By JamesFuckingBond - 23/12/2016 21:05 - United States - Burlington

Today, I dropped my wedding ring on the carpet. Just as I was about to pick it up, my Roomba sucked it up. FML

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By booksandshadows - 4/3/2014 09:06 - United States - San Diego

Today, while walking through Wal-Mart I noticed a cute employee. With a sudden burst of confidence, I walked right up to him, intending to ask for his number. Instead, I looked him in the eye and said, "Excuse me sir, how much do you know about bedsheets?" and then ran. FML

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By JD300 - 22/12/2009 12:15 - United Kingdom

Today, I finally got my wish of having snow on my birthday. Excited, I failed to realise this meant that no one could come to my party, including myself as we were all snowed out of town. What did I spend my 18th doing? Tidying our house. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/12/2014 21:47 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I got to experience the horror of my wife's pregnancy. She woke me up abruptly at 5 am by throwing up all over me due to her terrible morning sickness, then ate pickles covered in mayonnaise, and later dropped to the floor sobbing when I told her we were out of dog food. FML

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By - 22/12/2019 18:00

Travel gift

Today, I decided to buy my Chinese Studies professor a gift from Taiwan. So I bought her a mini-Taiwanese passport that said "Republic of China" on it. As it turns out, it was actually a two-pack of travel condoms. FML

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By pizza girl - 30/8/2013 04:33 - United States - Nettleton

Today, a lady cussed me out for not bringing her salad and pizza to her table. She then wanted her money back. I work at a buffet; a self-serve buffet. FML

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By nowhereman1990 - 3/8/2010 04:23 - Venezuela

Today, I heard on a local radio a song I wrote almost 2 years ago. Apparently, after my family and I moved away, my former band found a new guitar player, and that song is now the first single of their debut LP. FML

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By ConfusedGirl - 15/12/2015 13:03 - United States - Pittsford

Today, I came home early to surprise my boyfriend. I walked into our bedroom to find him in dressed completely in my clothes, and in makeup. It took me a moment to realize it was him and not a female intruder. FML

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By gingerbread - 18/12/2017 18:00 - Armenia - Yerevan

Today, I got a little too drunk at my best friend's birthday party and threw up in the pub bathroom. I wiped everything up, composed myself, and went back to the party table before promptly throwing up on myself in front of the whole pub. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/3/2010 20:53 - United States

Today, I discovered my step mom had thrown out my baby blanket because it was an "eyesore". It was an heirloom from my birth mother and the only thing I have left from her. FML

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By screwed - 8/2/2012 01:40 - United States

Today, my dad finally met my girlfriend. Unfortunately, he was driving the ambulance that she was in, due to severe alcohol poisoning and was on the way to the hospital to have her stomach pumped. FML

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By Alexandra - 8/12/2016 20:00 - United Kingdom - Heckmondwike

Today, my fiancé completely missed the birth of our first child because he had started watching a new series on Netflix and really wanted to know how it ended. By the time he made it to the hospital our daughter was already 7 hours old. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/12/2009 09:33 - Australia

Today, I got my first tip. It was a Mentos. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/7/2013 20:27 - United States - Wales

Today, my girlfriend guilted me into roleplaying as Justin Bieber before and during sex. I now feel physically ill. FML

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By xXEndlesslullabyXx - 5/6/2011 18:15 - United States

Today, my grandmother's excuse for not going to my college graduation was because she'd already bought her bingo card. FML

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By dumbassgrad - 12/12/2012 19:14 - United States - El Monte

Today, I accidentally left my textbook at home. Normally this wouldn't be an issue, but today was my class final. Since it was an open-book final, I'd decided not to study for it. I'm pretty sure I failed. FML

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By NaCl - 24/5/2014 21:20 - United States - Duluth

Today, my mother-in-law came over for dinner. She decided to salt the food I was preparing without even tasting it first, then complained at dinner that I'd used too much salt. She then lectured me on the proper seasoning of food for the rest of the evening. FML

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By Winchesterlover - 5/2/2011 18:41 - United States

Today, my mom and I tried out Just Dance 2 on the Wii. When we both threw out our hands at the same time, my mom's Wii remote hit my hand and ripped my finger nail. As I stared at the bloody, half hanging off nail, my mom muttered, "You should have stayed in your dance space." FML

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By El Stupido - 12/6/2011 13:51 - Australia

Today, I was stuck in stand-still traffic for 5 minutes, before realizing I had stopped behind a parked car. FML

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By Mothering - 11/7/2011 09:25 - Australia

Today, I took my 16 year-old daughter to get a bank account, taking her birth certificate with us as requested. When the teller wrote her name down on a piece of paper, my daughter said "How do you know my name?" The teller just looked at her and held up her birth certificate. I raised a nitwit. FML

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By friendly_neighbourhood_psycho - 19/8/2011 22:47 - Sweden

Today, I was helping some friends put supplies in my crush's car for our picnic. His girlfriend cracked a joke about me, so I just sarcastically laughed and slammed the door shut. Now she has three broken fingers, and I have a reputation as a psychopath. FML

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By noosher0990 - 18/2/2010 00:30

Today, I found out that my neighbor gets more pleasure out of me and my husband having it off then I do. FML

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By picklemonger - 8/3/2020 16:00 - Canada

Spinning out and miserable

Today, for the first time ever, I had a bout of vertigo in the middle of a mall. It went so very nicely with my crushing loneliness. FML

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By zuut - 18/1/2009 05:22 - Australia

Today, I logged on to Facebook for the first time in nine days. No new notifications. FML

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By yova - 27/3/2016 08:42 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my mom called me a slut after she found out I sleep naked. This is how desperate she is for any excuse to yell at me. FML

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By CrazyInLove - 10/3/2015 06:02 - United States - Castle Rock

Today, I overcame my lack of social confidence and got a date for the first time in 10 or so years. After a while, my date admitted that she's a schizophrenic with dissociative identity disorder. I guess it's back to being single. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/4/2020 17:00

Marriage (Dress) Story

Today, I found out that the company I sent my wedding dress to caught fire and lost everything in their building. I was going to be the fourth generation woman in my family to wear it. FML

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By OrangeTree12 - 4/4/2009 06:05 - Canada

Today, a really cute guy sat across from me on the bus. He smiled at me, then tensed his muscles and lifted a heavy bag with one arm. Thinking he was trying to act "macho" to impress me, I rolled my eyes and threw him an annoyed/disgusted look. When he got off, I realized he only had one arm. FML

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By ThankfullyNotKickedOut - 26/8/2016 18:17 - United States - Coldwater

Today, I was trying to cook a pizza for lunch at my in-laws. I preheated the oven and took my dog out to go potty. I come back in to find the house filled with smoke, the detector going off, and a fire in the oven. Apparently, my mother-in-law left a tray of glass candle holders in it. FML

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By rolled - 27/1/2018 01:30

Today, my angry ex-girlfriend ordered a bong to my house in my name. I came home to my parents screaming at me, demanding to know where "the weed" was. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/4/2020 02:00

Or he's just becoming an old goober

Today, my boyfriend, who went to college, is unable to write a two-line email without saying the text out loud at least five times in a row. He also keeps repeating newspaper lines and simple things I say, in a whisper, in order to understand them. I'm afraid he might be developing dementia. At 40 years old. FML

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By Bug8Frog - 30/7/2013 06:42 - United States - Anchorage

Today, I bought a device that plays a high-pitched sound to teach my dog to quit barking. She's smart enough to learn that as long as she barks loud enough and long enough, she can't hear it. Quite the opposite effect to what I was anticipating. FML

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By soldierboy - 30/8/2010 00:39 - United States

Today, after nearly 2 years of continuous fighting in Afghanistan, my unit came home. We were booed at the airport. FML

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By inheritance - 5/5/2015 14:44 - Denmark - Lyngby

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She said, "Sure, but not yet." As we've been together for five years, I was a bit confused, but she cleared that up with, "Not until your dad has died, I don't want him to ruin my wedding with a bad toast." FML

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By iamgermantoo - 21/2/2017 15:00 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, I contacted my landlady to tell her that I approved of the girl she recommended for a sublet. She then told me she thinks this girl is a neo-Nazi. Why? The e-mails she sent to the girl were rejected as spam. Apparently, this and being German qualifies you to be a neo-Nazi. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/9/2015 12:43 - Malta - Santa Venera

Today, I came across the word "pegging". Not knowing what it meant, I googled it and got a very graphic explanation. Seconds later, I realised that the webpage URL actually included the sexual nature of the meaning. The IT department have logs of every page we visit. FML

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Top comments

By thedhanjal | 10

#3498116 - Thursday 27 October 2011 12:14

Maybe they ran out of characters and gave you the one that fits you?

By babelini | 12

#3498459 - Thursday 27 October 2011 13:32

Isn't it birthday SUIT?

COMMENTS

By thedhanjal | 10

#3498116 - Thursday 27 October 2011 12:14

Maybe they ran out of characters and gave you the one that fits you?

gntfmlingnow | 12

#3498249 - Thursday 27 October 2011 12:35

Or she's like Mother Teresa's corpse..,

dre_bro11 | 12

#3498549 - Thursday 27 October 2011 13:59

Prove them wrong OP!

You_Need_Soap | 6

#3498558 - Thursday 27 October 2011 14:01

I am Mother Teresa and I approve this message.

theTrollGuy | 7

#3498571 - Thursday 27 October 2011 14:05

I gave you what was best fit for you... and a bit trolling for me. U mad?

superficialheart | 11

#3498599 - Thursday 27 October 2011 14:15

Sew mad?

FarSide | 22

#3498628 - Thursday 27 October 2011 14:32

It's all part of showbiz...

evamusical | 12

#3499924 - Thursday 27 October 2011 20:30

Yes indeed, if you're a dancer being extremely sexy is important in a lot of choreograpics!

Melvar_10 | 3

#3500203 - Thursday 27 October 2011 21:49

You're sexy and you know it.....

conan13_fml | 0

#3501645 - Friday 28 October 2011 3:43

Or, you don't act like your hot and sexy and are more reserved, so he is having u be sexy...

DoubleDose | 0

#3506159 - Saturday 29 October 2011 0:17

Clap your hands

By saIty | 17

#3498139 - Thursday 27 October 2011 12:17

Just strut in your birthday loose, and let everything hang loose.

crazykidd15 | 0

#3498221 - Thursday 27 October 2011 12:26

lulz

babelini | 12

#3498459 - Thursday 27 October 2011 13:32

Isn't it birthday SUIT?

fluorescentadole_fml | 8

#3498852 - Thursday 27 October 2011 15:55

lol! dumbass Bruno mars fans

saIty | 17

#3500022 - Thursday 27 October 2011 20:54

Oh penguins. I didn't even realize that. I hate when I'm thinking ahead when I'm typing/writing.

BlondeBubbles | 6

#3500795 - Friday 28 October 2011 0:11

stupid ass

saIty | 17

#3501368 - Friday 28 October 2011 2:13

Wow 56 way to make fun of my Donkey or my butt. Go play in traffic, chicken fart.

jcg3456 | 16

#6223609 - Friday 6 March 2015 21:06

I like this.

By Savra_fml | 17

#3498143 - Thursday 27 October 2011 12:18

Try to prove the instructor wrong then.

By emag_eht | 18

#3498175 - Thursday 27 October 2011 12:21

Sexy, beautiful, and cute aren't the same exact thing. The all refer to having a good appearance, but if you're not sexy then maybe you're just cute?

babyyappld | 7

#3498310 - Thursday 27 October 2011 12:49

perhaps OP is very shy and self-conscious. the dance instructor probably wanted to come out of her shell

zombicidal | 11

#3498573 - Thursday 27 October 2011 14:06

no boner slaying is the opposite of extremely sexy

ohSNAPyall | 26

#3499915 - Thursday 27 October 2011 20:29

I think "hideous" is a better antonym for "beautiful."

How about "repulsive"?
"Dick-wilting"?
"Nipple-deflating"?

By whited666 | 0

#3498190 - Thursday 27 October 2011 12:23

They were just hitting on you, haha, dint worry! It's like a kindergartener when he picks on a girl, it means he likes you xD

By TylerOMFG | 7

#3498204 - Thursday 27 October 2011 12:24

Lol at OP's name. But, I'm sure you are beautiful. Just prove them wrong

By Buttsexpirate | 9

#3498206 - Thursday 27 October 2011 12:25

Get down with your bad self girl! Show them what you workin with!

By NEEPLES | 7

#3498212 - Thursday 27 October 2011 12:25

Well if you're actually going to be an actor you're going to have to know how to play every part. Go get em tiger.

By booiloveeyou | 0

#3498230 - Thursday 27 October 2011 12:31

they are probably just jelous ;)

By noel_ani | 0

#3498241 - Thursday 27 October 2011 12:33

It's okay. I have trouble being "sexy" in dance class too! It doesn't mean you're unsexy outside of the studio. We all have our ways that we like to dance(:

jizzwold | 21

#3498861 - Thursday 27 October 2011 15:56

I disagree with your second sentence.