Today, while dancing at my studio, our instructor was giving...

By apparentlyunsexy - United States

Today, while dancing at my studio, our instructor was giving us all characters opposite of ourselves to portray in an improv solo. My friends got cool things like "creepy" and "vulnerable". I got "extremely sexy". FML

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Miscellaneous

And today, on Dr Phil…

Great quality control

Official meeting

By brick - United States - Geneva

Today, I went to sleep at 7am. I learned once that Indians used to drink tons of water before bed to force themselves awake so I did that in case my alarm (which I hooked up to my speakers) didn't work. The alarm worked, but the shock of the blasting sound made me pee my pants. FML

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2087

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By neveragain89 - Australia

Today, I had shelves installed using a builder who came highly recommended by my co-worker. Turns out the builder is her friend, who has no actual qualifications or experience as a builder, but 'it's his dream'. I now have a gaping hole in my kitchen where the shelves should be. FML

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26684

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By Anonymous

Today, after 6 months abroad, I finally got home to the airport at 5 a.m. where my parents were supposed to be picking me up. I called my mother to let her know I'd landed. She picked up with a sleepy voice and asked, "Who is this?" I'm an only child and we live 2 hours away from the airport. FML

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1498

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By Lyn - France

Today, I discovered that I'm adopted. How? After a great lunch, I asked my uncle how he'd made the salad dressing. He replied, "Haha! It's a secret family recipe, my dear!" I wouldn't have thought twice about it, were it not for my parents' shocked expressions, and the long, awkward silence. FML

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32114

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By Lonely - United States

Today, I was so lonely that I left the TV on for company. The power went out. FML

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36548

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5754

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By SharkWeek - United States - Wrightsville

Today, I reminded my husband that I was on my period, so he wouldn't try to fool around with me. A few hours later, his goldfish-like memory kicked in and he stuck his hand down my pants while we were going to bed. I was wearing a maxi pad. FML

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60554

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By dealtit - United States - Toccoa

Today, I accidentally farted in the middle of class. Thinking I got away with it, I just kept doing my work until some kid across the room says, "I could have done better." FML

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39067

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By Anonymous

Hygiene 101

Today, my mother refused to talk to me because I wouldn't let her use my deodorant stick. FML

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1616

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226

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By FirstDaddy - United States - Southfield

Today, my daughter told me that she liked her "other daddy" better. I don't know who's she talking about, but my wife is doing a good job telling her to be quiet. FML

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63143

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By ohmylantis - United States

Today, my boyfriend was introducing me to some business partners. As he was going along telling me their names, when he introduced me, he called me by my best friend's name. FML

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43119

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By honeymooner - South Africa - Braamfontein

Today, I received a coupon for a special offer including flights and accommodation for the honeymoon destination that my fiancé and I are keen on. Yesterday, I paid the full price for the flight tickets and hotel deposit for the honeymoon. FML

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26373

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By Anonymous - 8/9/2020 14:01

Geyser Söze

Today, I found out why my B&B host looked so pissed this morning. I remember having too much red wine and puking out the window last night. Turns out the lampshade underneath the window spread my puke all over the freshly painted wall. FML

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386

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By LadyDeadpool88 - United States - Laurinburg

Today, I'm a little over a month pregnant. My fiancé has decided that if we both act like I'm not pregnant, "the baby will get the hint and go away". FML

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59811

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7259

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By Invisible - Switzerland

Today, I worked up the courage to comment on my crush's picture. I wrote "Cool picture" on his facebook profile picture. Pleased with myself, I later logged on to see if he had replied. He had. Well, at least he took the time to reply- "Who the fuck are you?". FML

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57642

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By Heather212

Today, I sat down on my bed completely naked in front of my husband and said, "Man, it's hot in here!" while spreading my legs. He just blew on my vagina, asked if that was better, and then walked away. FML

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7184

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By Anonymous - United States - Tampa

Today, it's the first day of fall. It's also the day that over 20 people have made jokes about my name being "Autumn" like they're the funniest, most original people alive. It's not even 8 am. This is going to be a long day. FML

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35985

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By SkinsCastSelection - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - France

A for effort

Today, my boyfriend sent me a picture of his morning dump because it was heart-shaped. FML

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38029

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6383

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By Shnur - United States

Today, my patient, a chubby little girl, stood on a scale to measure her weight. She was 5 yrs old and weighed 65 lbs. I started giving her advice on eating healthy: fruits, vegetables, and more greens. She turned to her mother giving a look of shock and said, "But mommy, the doctor is fat too!" FML

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57583

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By hamburger - United States - Adrian

Today, my husband wanted to try anal for the first time. His attempt to sound romantic was him saying, "Open your buns, the meat is ready." FML

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61080

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By onlyjuggalos - United States

Today, I told my grandpa that I want to join the police force. His response: "You wanna lynch some blacks without the jail time, eh?" FML

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22463

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By axewoman

Today, my dad told me someday I'll find a man who wants a nice lumberjack for a wife. FML

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35969

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By givingup - United States

Today, I was left at the altar. For the second time. By the same man. FML

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35778

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62972

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By z - United States

Today, I re-joined a popular on-line dating service. I first signed up 3 years ago and was matched with a wonderful woman. After about a year, she broke up with me. I was devastated. After two years of trying to win her back, I decided it's best just to move on. Guess who they matched me with? FML

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42360

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By wittlegirl - United States

Today, my parents think that I don't realize all the sexual euphemisms in their conversations. One of the more recent ones being made by my dad at the dinner table: "This sausage is great, honey, but mine is bigger and tastier!" FML

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48177

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By Bearwaitressities - South Africa - Durban

Today, whilst working my waitressing job, I had a patron lose his rag at me because there was too much "green stuff" in his salad. What did he expect? Chicken? FML

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6159

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416

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By notateen - United States

Today, I was shopping with my baby daughter when an older woman came up to me. She glared and said, "You know, if you kids learned how to keep your legs closed, you wouldn't be a mother at 16." I'm 25. FML

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43993

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while laying in bed trying to go to sleep, I listened to the chirping crickets and appreciated how soothing the sounds were. Then I realized I lived on the 8th floor of an apartment building. Turns out my brother's science project got into my room and multiplied... a lot. FML

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35371

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By Alyssa - United States

Today, my manager mentioned that she'd hired a "cute boy" to help me out at work with paperwork. The "cute boy" was my ex-fiancé and now I have to be with him in an office for 30 some hours a week while his current fiancée brings him lunch everyday. FML

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49673

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By randomsamm - United States - Birmingham

Alas, poor Donatello

Today, I bought a turtle after wanting one for years. I was told that he was scared, so he would be put in a box for me to take home. It wasn't until I got to my car that I noticed that they sold me a dead turtle. I'm not getting a refund because they claimed I killed it in less than 5 minutes. FML

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1851

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201

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By Kelly - United States

Today, I gave my boyfriend a box of chocolates as a present. A few hours later, he texted me saying that the box of chocolates contained nuts. He's allergic to nuts and his mother now thinks I'm trying to kill him. FML

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26537

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11752

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By Becky - United Kingdom

Today, my family bet me $20 to wear a Disney Princess hat for the entire day around a theme park. I am 17 years old. We decided to go for lunch in one of the restaurants. After we finished, a woman gave my parents a leaflet on how to cope with disabled children. FML

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39635

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By Revelyn - United States - Compton

Today, I went to get my first acupuncture. The doctor was a cute Korean woman, so I tried to start a conversation. When she pricked me with a needle near the tailbone, I involuntarily let one loose and saw her gag. FML

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13044

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1967

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By lawl - Canada

Today, my date asked if I could drive his friend home before we went out for breakfast. His friend had blonde hair, big boobs and wore a skimpy black dress. He wasn't 100% sure of her name. I guess I drove home my date's one night stand. FML

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40229

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By psychworker - United States

Today, while at work, I was asked if I wanted to leave early. I said no and let my co-worker go instead. Two hours later, I was punched in the face by one of my patients with absolutely no warning or provocation. FML

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27990

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were in bed and I asked him why he was with me. His answer was, "Well, the last girl I dated was really smart and she always made me feel dumb, so I decided to switch things up a bit. You make me feel like a genius babe." FML

I agree, your life sucks

43032

You deserved it

7951

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By Dumped - United States

Today, I was going on a date with my girlfriend. When I took her home, her sister came to the door. I used to date her sister and I didn't know they were related. My girlfriend realized this, then kicked me in the crotch. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31981

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11627

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By Anonymous

Today, one of my friends came over to go swimming in my pool. Before going back into the house, as it's all carpeted, I automatically took off my trunks, forgetting about my friend. I realized my mistake when my friend commented on my abnormally long foreskin. FML

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1075

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By wastedbaby - United States

Today, I was watching a home video of when my mom was pregnant with me. She had a beer in her hand. FML

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46631

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By Nick - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I was babysitting a little boy for the first time. He kept using all sorts of profanity toward me the whole evening, so I told his mom when she picked him up. She just grunted and muttered, "Fucking cunt-ass snitch." FML

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61085

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By Anonymous - 6/7/2020 02:02

Best foot forward

Today, after a month of things going wrong in my life and finally getting better, I woke up refreshed and ready to face the day. Then, I fell down the stairs. FML

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1485

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Top comments

By thedhanjal | 10

#3498116 - Thursday 27 October 2011 12:14

Maybe they ran out of characters and gave you the one that fits you?

By babelini | 12

#3498459 - Thursday 27 October 2011 13:32

Isn't it birthday SUIT?

COMMENTS

By thedhanjal | 10

#3498116 - Thursday 27 October 2011 12:14

Maybe they ran out of characters and gave you the one that fits you?

gntfmlingnow | 12

#3498249 - Thursday 27 October 2011 12:35

Or she's like Mother Teresa's corpse..,

dre_bro11 | 12

#3498549 - Thursday 27 October 2011 13:59

Prove them wrong OP!

You_Need_Soap | 6

#3498558 - Thursday 27 October 2011 14:01

I am Mother Teresa and I approve this message.

theTrollGuy | 7

#3498571 - Thursday 27 October 2011 14:05

I gave you what was best fit for you... and a bit trolling for me. U mad?

superficialheart | 11

#3498599 - Thursday 27 October 2011 14:15

Sew mad?

FarSide | 22

#3498628 - Thursday 27 October 2011 14:32

It's all part of showbiz...

evamusical | 12

#3499924 - Thursday 27 October 2011 20:30

Yes indeed, if you're a dancer being extremely sexy is important in a lot of choreograpics!

Melvar_10 | 3

#3500203 - Thursday 27 October 2011 21:49

You're sexy and you know it.....

conan13_fml | 0

#3501645 - Friday 28 October 2011 3:43

Or, you don't act like your hot and sexy and are more reserved, so he is having u be sexy...

DoubleDose | 0

#3506159 - Saturday 29 October 2011 0:17

Clap your hands

By saIty | 17

#3498139 - Thursday 27 October 2011 12:17

Just strut in your birthday loose, and let everything hang loose.

crazykidd15 | 0

#3498221 - Thursday 27 October 2011 12:26

lulz

babelini | 12

#3498459 - Thursday 27 October 2011 13:32

Isn't it birthday SUIT?

fluorescentadole_fml | 8

#3498852 - Thursday 27 October 2011 15:55

lol! dumbass Bruno mars fans

saIty | 17

#3500022 - Thursday 27 October 2011 20:54

Oh penguins. I didn't even realize that. I hate when I'm thinking ahead when I'm typing/writing.

BlondeBubbles | 6

#3500795 - Friday 28 October 2011 0:11

stupid ass

saIty | 17

#3501368 - Friday 28 October 2011 2:13

Wow 56 way to make fun of my Donkey or my butt. Go play in traffic, chicken fart.

jcg3456 | 16

#6223609 - Friday 6 March 2015 21:06

I like this.

By Savra_fml | 17

#3498143 - Thursday 27 October 2011 12:18

Try to prove the instructor wrong then.

By emag_eht | 18

#3498175 - Thursday 27 October 2011 12:21

Sexy, beautiful, and cute aren't the same exact thing. The all refer to having a good appearance, but if you're not sexy then maybe you're just cute?

babyyappld | 7

#3498310 - Thursday 27 October 2011 12:49

perhaps OP is very shy and self-conscious. the dance instructor probably wanted to come out of her shell

zombicidal | 11

#3498573 - Thursday 27 October 2011 14:06

no boner slaying is the opposite of extremely sexy

ohSNAPyall | 26

#3499915 - Thursday 27 October 2011 20:29

I think "hideous" is a better antonym for "beautiful."

How about "repulsive"?
"Dick-wilting"?
"Nipple-deflating"?

By whited666 | 0

#3498190 - Thursday 27 October 2011 12:23

They were just hitting on you, haha, dint worry! It's like a kindergartener when he picks on a girl, it means he likes you xD

By TylerOMFG | 7

#3498204 - Thursday 27 October 2011 12:24

Lol at OP's name. But, I'm sure you are beautiful. Just prove them wrong

By Buttsexpirate | 9

#3498206 - Thursday 27 October 2011 12:25

Get down with your bad self girl! Show them what you workin with!

By NEEPLES | 7

#3498212 - Thursday 27 October 2011 12:25

Well if you're actually going to be an actor you're going to have to know how to play every part. Go get em tiger.

By booiloveeyou | 0

#3498230 - Thursday 27 October 2011 12:31

they are probably just jelous ;)

By noel_ani | 0

#3498241 - Thursday 27 October 2011 12:33

It's okay. I have trouble being "sexy" in dance class too! It doesn't mean you're unsexy outside of the studio. We all have our ways that we like to dance(:

jizzwold | 21

#3498861 - Thursday 27 October 2011 15:56

I disagree with your second sentence.