By Anonymous - United States

Size Queen

Today, my girlfriend and I were taking a shower together. We were fooling around when she took the shower head and started spraying my penis with it. I asked her, "What are you doing?" Her response, "I'm watering it to make it grow." FML

I agree, your life sucks

69961

14784

Commando

Out of it

The smell detective is on the case

By ouch - United States - Sterling

Today, I spontaneously got my ear pierced. By spontaneously, I mean my 12-year-old sister stabbed one of her earrings into my ear while I was sleeping. She claimed the freckle on my earlobe looks "exactly the same" as the hole from her ear piercing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49247

You deserved it

3295

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By SummerJob

Today, it's day two of my two-month summer job on a Mediterranean cruise ship. I'm incredibly seasick, and the ship is still docked. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22952

You deserved it

4753

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, at 2:00 am, my neighbor discovered "What Does The Fox Say?" He loves it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31110

You deserved it

2446

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my friends staged an intervention. I'm not on drugs, I'm not an alcoholic, and I own my own house. My car is paid for and my job pays well. Apparently, I need an intervention because my life is not where they want it to be, which involves me being married with children. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41225

You deserved it

3559

Favorite

By owmyballs - Thailand

Today, I was playing with my yo-yo. I began showing off to my friends. When the girl I liked walked by, I thought it'd be really cool to do the move "dog bite". I ended hitting myself in the balls. Hard. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9048

You deserved it

37155

Favorite

By hubby - United States

Today, my wife's pregnancy hormones got so bad that she freaked out and threw a tantrum, accusing me of always making important decisions for her. All I did was get her some food from Taco Bell as a surprise. FML

I agree, your life sucks

61491

You deserved it

5769

Favorite

By loveless - United States

Today, I surprised my girlfriend with U2 tickets. Still no action. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15107

You deserved it

33315

Favorite

By cycler - United States

Today, I ran over a chipmunk. On my bike. Its mangled carcass got caught in the spokes and decided to join me on my ride. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31872

You deserved it

12591

Favorite

By Karie-Rose - United States

Today, as I was working at my babysitting job, I was watching a 3.5 year old girl. She begged and begged me to come in the jacuzzi with her, and when I put on my 2-piece bathing suit on, the young girl asked me why my stomach looked like a bagel. I looked down just to realize she was right. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25602

You deserved it

5706

Favorite

By Ilovelife07

Today, I got pulled over heading home from college. My car was full of my stuff from moving out, and I couldn't reach the glove box. I told the cop this, and asked if he wanted me to go around to the passenger side to get my paperwork. He agreed. When I got out of the car, he pepper sprayed me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2406

You deserved it

163

Favorite

By redheadmess - 20/7/2020 02:01

Pay up

Today, my grandfather sent me a bill from when I had to live with him in foster care. I apparently owe him 62k for shampoo, food, etc. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1866

You deserved it

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Huntington Park

Today, I have an ear infection. The pain from it radiates from my ear all the way down the left side of my face, so my doctor prescribed me something that makes half of my face numb and pretty much unusable. Tomorrow, I have to give a presentation on strokes for my med class. Go figure. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28120

You deserved it

1905

Favorite

By nicrus - Norway

Today, my girlfriend and her mother bought a hanger for my $2000 guitar as a birthday present. They wanted to surprise me by hanging it on the wall. They screwed it upside down, so before I came home it fell off and my guitar broke. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13406

You deserved it

737

Favorite

By Anonymous

Slicey machine go thwack

Today, I lost my job due to the coronavirus. I have no way to pay my bills and very few places are hiring just now. My boss tried to make me feel better by saying her husband was just laid off and they'll struggle as well. She has a £120k salary and just got a £30k bonus. Apparently, "we're in the same boat." FML

I agree, your life sucks

2028

You deserved it

133

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - New York

Great start

Today, I was starting my new job in the city. A man with a torn suit on came up to me and asks me for spare change. In a hurry to catch a taxi, I declined and rushed to catch one. At the office, my boss was late. About an hour later, I found out the man in the suit was my boss. He was attacked. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1847

You deserved it

547

Favorite

By chanclepants - France

Today, I was letting my boyfriend of 4 years tie me up and do stuff to me. After finishing on my face, he then left. My parents had to untie me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49296

You deserved it

14022

Favorite

By stalker - United States

Today, I had a restraining order put on me. I have apparently been following a woman's daughter home after she leaves track practice and parking my car outside their home. I'm a math teacher at the school and leave everyday at 4:30. I have lived across the street for the past six years. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55297

You deserved it

2534

Favorite

By brokenatthebar - United States - Carleton

Today, I was dumped via text halfway through my 8-hour bar shift. I had to deal with my co-workers and customers asking me how my vacation with my now-ex was for the next 4 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4688

You deserved it

298

Favorite

By Rusty Armstrong - 17/8/2020 05:01

Thanks capitalism, I hate it!

Today, the prison program I work for has been shut down for months due to Covid, but my bosses have been having us sitting at our desks, doing nothing, in proximity to the inmates. I guess they'd rather pay us to be exposed than to stay safe. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1135

You deserved it

143

Favorite

By swedishdude - Sweden

Today, I was at a party where I ate a bowl of disgusting snacks because I didn't want to drink on an empty stomach. I spent the next twelve hours trying to prevent the world from collapsing into millions of demonic shards, cause apparently that's what a large dose of magic mushrooms does. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21967

You deserved it

36805

Favorite

By Zxz - Canada

Today, the power was out. I tried to explain to my boyfriend that he wouldn't be able to watch any TV until the power came back on. His response was, "But we have Netflix." FML

I agree, your life sucks

42160

You deserved it

6239

Favorite

By jaded_woman - Australia

Today, I backed out of the driveway of our newly built home. Being unfamiliar with the driveway, I ended up getting bogged in the mud and slid halfway down the steep slope of the front yard, trying free myself. I haven't met my neighbours yet. They stood in their front lawns watching me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23061

You deserved it

4216

Favorite

By hanmart - United States

Today, I found out that my coworker shared a laugh with the boss about setting the office desk on fire (which he actually did), while ten minutes later I was threatened with being fired because I made paper snowflakes and hung a few of them next to the computer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29353

You deserved it

2617

Favorite

By downinthedumps - United States - Detroit

Today, I went to take a piss in a public bathroom. Somehow, I managed to completely jam the lock. After minutes of trying to get myself out, I gave up and crawled under the stall, at which point someone walked in and was very surprised to see me on the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28876

You deserved it

3305

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I experienced the most intense pain I have ever had in my life. I was eating blueberries when my sister made a comment which sent me into hysterics. The force of having a bullet-like berry violently shoot out your nostril is more painful than it sounds. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30521

You deserved it

4344

Favorite

By KelseNM

Today, I've been diagnosed with an incurable condition in both eyes that is making me go blind. I lost my job and had to drop out of my final year in college because of this. Then my ex found out and stole my car since I "won't need it". FML

I agree, your life sucks

3229

You deserved it

119

Favorite

By Ansharus - Belgium - Londerzeel

Today, I noticed I'd lost my wedding ring after returning home from a long, tiring day of painting our newly purchased home. After driving back and forth to the house for more than an hour to go looking for it, I found it tucked away in my back pocket. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11749

You deserved it

3993

Favorite

By Radbaby

Today, I asked a guy to change into a gown for an X-ray exam. I asked him to leave his underwear on, everything else off. Apparently he was going commando, as he left skid marks on my table when the exam was over. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2991

You deserved it

150

Favorite

By foreverafatty - United States

Today, I learned that I can work out for over an hour a day, cut my daily calories by almost half, keep careful track of my diet, drink nothing but water, and not lose a pound. But I can sure as hell gain weight after one dinner at a buffet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30535

You deserved it

15757

Favorite

By awkward O_o - United States - Saint Paul

Today, I found out that my roommate has a masturbation problem; the problem is that he does it in my bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

65627

You deserved it

4899

Favorite

By RBergman - United States - Basin

Today, I had to arrest my own boyfriend for public sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43552

You deserved it

3329

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I attended a job fair for a position at a shop. I was the only one who showed and submitted an application. I didn't get the job. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27480

You deserved it

3167

Favorite

By ShiddyDiddy

Today, my girlfriend's obsession with her bird reached a new level when she wrote him a song specifically for after he poops. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1466

You deserved it

176

Favorite

By helpme - United States - Brockton

Today, I got a new chair at work. After spending 3 hours putting it together, I was called into my boss's office and let go. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44479

You deserved it

5696

Favorite

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, I walked in on my sister shoving her vibrating phone into her privates. Can't erase that image. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29283

You deserved it

3395

Favorite

By Anonymous - 18/7/2020 23:02

Delayed proposal

Today, my girlfriend found the engagement ring I bought and assumed it was a late birthday present. She’s now wearing it on her right hand like a signet ring and she somehow hasn’t figured out it’s a diamond and not a Swarovski. I'm now waiting for her to figure it out before I pop the question. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1621

You deserved it

360

Favorite

By SydIsPrettyCool - United States

Today, my pet fish died because my drunk father microwaved it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50055

You deserved it

3379

Favorite

By Anonymous

Cabin fever

Today, my (now ex) boyfriend came home from work at 8 p.m., monologued about how he doesn't love me anymore for two hours, and walked out on me. In the middle of quarantine. Out of nowhere. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1773

You deserved it

140

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, while making out with my boyfriend, he started playing with my nipples. Suddenly he stops kissing me, looks at my nipples and says, "Have they always been like this? They look like joysticks!". He then started singing the Super Mario Brother's theme song and playing the game with my nipples. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32587

You deserved it

5798

Favorite

By Ican'tgotoschoolapparently - United States - Vancouver

Today, I found out after $200 worth of checks and tests, three rugs being ruined from her peeing and pooping on them, that my cat isn't sick. She just has really bad separation anxiety. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10299

You deserved it

1155

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Top comments

By stevenmx86 | 7

#2584037 - Sunday 29 May 2011 19:01

Lol use miracle grow

By crymore007 | 11

#2584041 - Sunday 29 May 2011 19:02

do you shave? she mightve thought it was a chia pet

COMMENTS

By stevenmx86 | 7

#2584037 - Sunday 29 May 2011 19:01

Lol use miracle grow

chimpsndip | 0

#2584057 - Sunday 29 May 2011 19:03

Talking to the penis makes it happy.

crymore007 | 11

#2584069 - Sunday 29 May 2011 19:05

does op shave? she probably thought it was a chia pet

A7X_LoVeee | 10

#2584077 - Sunday 29 May 2011 19:07

14, why would you repeat yourself?

crymore007 | 11

#2584101 - Sunday 29 May 2011 19:09

I'm on an iPod and it put it twice...idk it's retarded like that :P

herrobear | 0

#2584125 - Sunday 29 May 2011 19:17

I think she was just trying to turn you on man.

bbucaro98 | 0

#2584154 - Sunday 29 May 2011 19:22

true that^

By OasC82 | 0

#2584039 - Sunday 29 May 2011 19:01

hahah tiny shmeckle

AlwaySunny | 0

#2584118 - Sunday 29 May 2011 19:16

at least she didn't mow it..

By crymore007 | 11

#2584041 - Sunday 29 May 2011 19:02

do you shave? she mightve thought it was a chia pet

OasC82 | 0

#2584062 - Sunday 29 May 2011 19:04

cha cha cha chia!

crymore007 | 11

#2584084 - Sunday 29 May 2011 19:07

lol it put my commnt up twice...once As a response to 1. iPod FTL

By simply_improper | 1

#2584048 - Sunday 29 May 2011 19:03

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

By CSRozell | 4

#2584052 - Sunday 29 May 2011 19:03

lol I don't think she was actually saying it was small
just being a girl they like to fuck with you about that

moosemonkey1000 | 6

#2584079 - Sunday 29 May 2011 19:07

my girlfriend has never joked about that.. maybe thats just her though..

Sady_Ct | 37

#7858676 - Tuesday 12 November 2019 12:18

I never joke about my partner’s size, that would be like him joking about my boob size.

By iAmScrubs | 19

#2584064 - Sunday 29 May 2011 19:04

All she needs now is a little bit of sunlight.

GreenMaze | 0

#2584142 - Sunday 29 May 2011 19:20

and a fertilizer.

iAmScrubs | 19

#2584158 - Sunday 29 May 2011 19:23

yes, he can supply that if you know what I mean.

By WoGxFALLEN | 0

#2584066 - Sunday 29 May 2011 19:05

did it work?

By HahaYDI | 0

#2584070 - Sunday 29 May 2011 19:05

Take some hedge clippers and tell her you're going to trim her forest.

By TylersMB | 0

#2584072 - Sunday 29 May 2011 19:06

chia!

By minion_freak | 0

#2584074 - Sunday 29 May 2011 19:06

hahaha nice one!