By Anonymous - United States

Size Queen

Today, my girlfriend and I were taking a shower together. We were fooling around when she took the shower head and started spraying my penis with it. I asked her, "What are you doing?" Her response, "I'm watering it to make it grow." FML

I agree, your life sucks

69916

14773

Proactive

True hero

Music nerds of the world unite!

By anonymous - United States

Today, my mom was going through the newspaper and cutting out coupons for me to use. She hands me two of them, one for tampons and the other for a pregnancy test saying "well, you're gonna need one or the other this month." FML

I agree, your life sucks

28659

You deserved it

7317

Favorite

By anna14 - United States

Today, I learned a little lesson about consequences. Yesterday, I ate a quarter as a dare. Today, I tried to poop it out. It got stuck coming out. I had to go to the doctor and explain everything. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7119

You deserved it

49269

Favorite

By Raset24

Today, it was my last day at my job. My team made a little party for me so they could wish me well and say goodbye, but when it came time for my manager to give a little speech, she couldn't even remember my name. I've been working there for two years. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14599

You deserved it

1059

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was getting a bikini wax to prove to my husband that I could be sexy despite being five months pregnant. As the woman was applying the wax, she said, "You know, if I wanted to, I'm in the perfect spot to reach in and steal that baby." FML

I agree, your life sucks

40618

You deserved it

5277

Favorite

By digressions - Canada

Today, I tore a muscle in my back. At the hospital, I was prescribed some pain medication. My husband got me settled at home, with everything I needed within reach, and left for work. As I picked up the bottle to take the first pill, I knocked it on the floor. It rolled under the couch. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32437

You deserved it

3921

Favorite

By Jason - United States - Kenai

Today, I found out that my girlfriend is actually a man. Not a transgender person, I'm okay with that, but an actual gay man who gets a kick out of pranking other guys. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5391

You deserved it

968

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I learned that when someone says "I know what you did" it's better not to confess right away, because sometimes they could be talking about leaving the computer on all night, and not talking about giving the family dog away and telling everyone it ran away. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7099

You deserved it

51886

Favorite

By numb fingers - United States - Banning

Today, as I was stretching, I realized my hand can reach all the way up to touch the fan, when it was on, and going full speed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19884

You deserved it

3711

Favorite

By jennyygrace - United States

Today, I was walking through airport security when a guard began making lewd gestures at his crotch, while looking at me. I was outraged until I realized he was trying to tell me that my fly was down. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12575

You deserved it

41522

Favorite

By romedizzle - Canada

Today, I was helping an older lady return her previously bought items to customer service. As she walked away and said "Thanks," I tried to say "You're welcome" and "No problem" at the same time. I ended up saying "Your problem". She scowled at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24400

You deserved it

8259

Favorite

By unemployed - United States

Today, my boss came storming towards me, screaming just how tired she is with my constant bullshit. Already pissed off, I retorted that she's a bitch and should go lose some pounds. Turns out she was talking to her husband on her bluetooth headset. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22725

You deserved it

77554

Favorite

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, my co-worker offered me sweets, then chocolate and then biscuits. Repeatedly. She knows I'm trying to diet for my wedding. She does this every day. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4359

You deserved it

434

Favorite

By Meowitzer

Classy Mom

Today, I was elected "class mom", even though I didn’t want to do it. I was also handed several envelopes in the hectic school hallway, containing parental cash contributions for the year. I lost several of the envelopes while rushing to my car, and now have to contribute €100 instead of €25. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1208

You deserved it

1000

Favorite

By HaleyIsabelle - France

Today, I thought my boyfriend was being sweet by stroking my hair, only to discover he was getting rid of a booger. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33347

You deserved it

3697

Favorite

By racchhh - United States

Today, I sent a forward to everyone in my phonebook saying, "HOUSE PARTY-NO PARENTS, LOTS OF ALCOHOL, MAYBE A CHANCE TO HOOK UP." I then got a reply from my mom saying, "I'm probably the only one that would show up." Even my mom thinks I'm a loser, and I'm now grounded for 3 weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11826

You deserved it

88264

Favorite

By NotSoCool - Singapore

Today, I was pulling my trolley luggage at the airport when I passed 2 cute girls smiling at me. Thinking I looked real cool, I kept on walking without paying heed to anything else. Then my brother shouted asking me what was I doing, only to realise that the handle had come off a few metres back. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12453

You deserved it

42566

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Springfield

Today, of the two IDs I possess, I handed the cop that pulled me over the fake one. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11355

You deserved it

72112

Favorite

By Mofisto - United States

Today, I started a fight at a lesbian bar and lost. I'm a man. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17224

You deserved it

88759

Favorite

By petlover - United States

Today, I had to put my 17 year old cat down. I cried the whole way up to the vet's office and back. After finally coming to terms with the situation, and trying to forget, my dad's friend walks up to me and says, "So, I heard you killed your cat?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

36890

You deserved it

3828

Favorite

By hs - United States

Today, my fiancé and I had a fight because he wouldn't let me get what I wanted to eat, even though it was my money. He said, "It's way too many calories. I'm supposed to help you lose weight." When I pointed out that I had given up a month ago, he looked at me and said, "Yeah, I can tell." FML

I agree, your life sucks

21744

You deserved it

49503

Favorite

By Goaway - United States

Today, two Jehovah's Witnesses rang my doorbell for the 10th time. This time they asked me whether I knew Faith's greatest enemy. I replied, "Basic reasoning?" A copy of The Watchtower can really hurt when it hits you in the eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40588

You deserved it

10789

Favorite

By whereismyring - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my ex-boyfriend announced he was engaged. We broke up last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24505

You deserved it

1695

Favorite

By Username - United States

Today, I realized that since I started working full time, the only friend I have left is my cat. Lonely and bored out of my mind, I told him about my day. He decided to end the conversation by shitting on the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34857

You deserved it

6276

Favorite

By short&stout

Today, I took the kids to the pool. I'm short and 20lbs overweight but they talked me into it and I put on a swimsuit for the first time in 10 years. As soon as we got there, a girl my height but a good 150lbs heavier said, "It's so nice to see another big girl in a two-piece!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

4166

You deserved it

685

Favorite

By veethebee

Today, I parked in the parking lot at work feeling like I had to sneeze. As I was walking in, the sneeze finally came. Apparently, my nose was bleeding so when I sneezed, blood got all over the floor and my brand new work clothes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1854

You deserved it

114

Favorite

By boobmilk - United States - Hesperia

Today I left my 8-week-old with my brother so I could return to work. His wife took all the breast milk I'd packed out of the fridge and poured it out. According to her, it was “gross” and she didn’t want it near her food. My son is allergic to formula. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5784

You deserved it

298

Favorite

By amy1023 - United States

Today, I complained to my boyfriend that I was stressed out. He asked me then "What do you have to be stressed out about?" I work 50 hours a week and go to school full time. I ask him what was stressful about his day, he told me that his "kill/death ratio went down on Call of Duty". FML

I agree, your life sucks

36636

You deserved it

8171

Favorite

By shellbom - United Kingdom

Today, I rang British Gas to cancel my boiler cover, as I'm totally and utterly skint. I told her the reason was I was getting divorced, moving house, losing my job and had no income at all. She was very sympathetic, and said "how would you like to pay your £37 cancellation fee?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

28715

You deserved it

3997

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I came home to find my dad drinking. Trying to be cheerful, I greeted him with a "Hi, dad!" He sighed, shook his head, and said "It hurts me when you call me that." FML

I agree, your life sucks

33618

You deserved it

2358

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By agstadra - Canada

Today, I was sitting in a parked car. A woman was having difficulties maneuvering out. She honked the horn repeatedly for me to move, then looked me in the eye and called me a "f**king bitch", before driving off. I was in the passenger seat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33878

You deserved it

3183

Favorite

By Cogibbt - Canada

Today, my mom found out that paper is made from trees. She read it on a garbage truck. I then had to explain to her how it's made. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1446

You deserved it

114

Favorite

By ughhhh - United States

Today, my mom spent over $200 getting me tested for every drug in the book. All because I admitted to smoking a single cigarette two years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51593

You deserved it

7938

Favorite

By Sherlock - France

Today, my youngest son had to have stitches in his chin. He did great, I passed out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24444

You deserved it

7308

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got a haircut for the first time in almost a year. I thought it looked really nice and made me look good. On my way to CVS, I ran into one of my friends. He examined me and said, "You look... like a crack whore." FML

I agree, your life sucks

47412

You deserved it

5510

Favorite

By kelizabeth - United States

Today, I went with my fiancé to meet his parents. He was really sweet the whole way there, and once we got there he introduced me as 'the girl I'm going to marry'. His parents took one look at me and said, "Are you sure?" I laughed, because I thought they were joking. They weren't. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50992

You deserved it

3184

Favorite

By jemstuff - United States

Today, at work, I stopped in my boss/boyfriend's office to find him getting intimate with a girl. He then tells me that he is cheating on me, that he is dumping me, and that I am fired. Oh, and he is keeping the cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43016

You deserved it

6555

Favorite

By rawr_fml001 - Canada - Brampton

Today, after my boyfriend broke up with me, the only thing positive about my day was a pregnancy test. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41763

You deserved it

6949

Favorite

By magicman - Canada

Today, while buying groceries, I noticed that the lady in front of me had left a box behind. I grabbed the box and ran out the door after her. After turning around to find three employees chasing me, I noticed I had just stolen the donation box. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34569

You deserved it

17427

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By baconbxtch - United States - Orlando

Today, I got rejected for a job because they claimed I faked my entire resume. Their excuse? I'm too pretty to be smart. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53875

You deserved it

4698

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By Username - France

Today, I had been sick all day, so to cheer me up my dad drove me to get ice cream. On our way back, we hit a puppy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49144

You deserved it

4871

Favorite

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Top comments

By stevenmx86 | 7

#2584037 - Sunday 29 May 2011 19:01

Lol use miracle grow

By crymore007 | 11

#2584041 - Sunday 29 May 2011 19:02

do you shave? she mightve thought it was a chia pet

COMMENTS

By stevenmx86 | 7

#2584037 - Sunday 29 May 2011 19:01

Lol use miracle grow

chimpsndip | 0

#2584057 - Sunday 29 May 2011 19:03

Talking to the penis makes it happy.

crymore007 | 11

#2584069 - Sunday 29 May 2011 19:05

does op shave? she probably thought it was a chia pet

A7X_LoVeee | 10

#2584077 - Sunday 29 May 2011 19:07

14, why would you repeat yourself?

crymore007 | 11

#2584101 - Sunday 29 May 2011 19:09

I'm on an iPod and it put it twice...idk it's retarded like that :P

herrobear | 0

#2584125 - Sunday 29 May 2011 19:17

I think she was just trying to turn you on man.

bbucaro98 | 0

#2584154 - Sunday 29 May 2011 19:22

true that^

By OasC82 | 0

#2584039 - Sunday 29 May 2011 19:01

hahah tiny shmeckle

AlwaySunny | 0

#2584118 - Sunday 29 May 2011 19:16

at least she didn't mow it..

By crymore007 | 11

#2584041 - Sunday 29 May 2011 19:02

do you shave? she mightve thought it was a chia pet

OasC82 | 0

#2584062 - Sunday 29 May 2011 19:04

cha cha cha chia!

crymore007 | 11

#2584084 - Sunday 29 May 2011 19:07

lol it put my commnt up twice...once As a response to 1. iPod FTL

By simply_improper | 1

#2584048 - Sunday 29 May 2011 19:03

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By CSRozell | 4

#2584052 - Sunday 29 May 2011 19:03

lol I don't think she was actually saying it was small
just being a girl they like to fuck with you about that

moosemonkey1000 | 6

#2584079 - Sunday 29 May 2011 19:07

my girlfriend has never joked about that.. maybe thats just her though..

Sady_Ct | 37

#7858676 - Tuesday 12 November 2019 12:18

I never joke about my partner’s size, that would be like him joking about my boob size.

By iAmScrubs | 19

#2584064 - Sunday 29 May 2011 19:04

All she needs now is a little bit of sunlight.

GreenMaze | 0

#2584142 - Sunday 29 May 2011 19:20

and a fertilizer.

iAmScrubs | 19

#2584158 - Sunday 29 May 2011 19:23

yes, he can supply that if you know what I mean.

By WoGxFALLEN | 0

#2584066 - Sunday 29 May 2011 19:05

did it work?

By HahaYDI | 0

#2584070 - Sunday 29 May 2011 19:05

Take some hedge clippers and tell her you're going to trim her forest.

By TylersMB | 0

#2584072 - Sunday 29 May 2011 19:06

chia!

By minion_freak | 0

#2584074 - Sunday 29 May 2011 19:06

hahaha nice one!