By Anonymous - 11/11/2019 05:00 - United States

Size Queen

Today, my girlfriend and I were taking a shower together. We were fooling around when she took the shower head and started spraying my penis with it. I asked her, "What are you doing?" Her response, "I'm watering it to make it grow." FML

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69833

14758

Rock, hard place

Night terrors

Basic Instinct

By Lady Douche of Asscrackington - 10/10/2013 20:00 - United States - Watertown

Today, during a family dinner, my 5-year-old son excitedly told everyone that I let him use my "douche" last week. My parents glared at me in anger and horror, and only after they left did I find out that his brother had told him that's what my loofah is called. FML

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By Never Work With Animals or Children - 26/5/2012 11:06 - United States - Van Nuys

Today, I ran out of the house after my dog, tripped and knocked myself out on the railing by the front step. I woke up to my little brother lifting up the back of my dress for the neighborhood to see. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/9/2019 16:00

Hairline fracture

Today, I ended things with the love of my life. I kept my composure the entire conversation, and was even fine when I got home. It wasn't until I was showering at night and found one of his hairs in my butt crack that I lost it. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/12/2011 16:53 - United Kingdom

Today, after returning to the UK from my Australian holiday, I was fired from my job for no reason. My boss told me he'd waited till I'd returned to do it. I could have stayed in Australia with my mates traveling for a year if I had been fired before I left. I'm sure he did it on purpose. FML

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By pathetic - 31/10/2009 10:08 - Australia

Today, it's Saturday night, and also Halloween. Instead of going out, I'm sitting at home on MSN telling everyone who asks me what I'm doing tonight that I'm 'going out in 10 minutes to a party', then when 10 minutes pass, I block them. FML

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By smoochie - 1/8/2009 21:37

Today, I was holding my baby daughter during a checkup. To reassure her, I was kissing the back of her head while the Dr. was checking her hearing. After a few minutes, I realized the Dr. had put his hand to steady her head. I was kissing his hand. FML

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By Frouse - 28/9/2018 22:02

Today, I was on the worst blind date ever, so I tried to secretly request an Uber to get out of there. My date then picked up his phone, receiving my request. Turns out he's an Uber driver and he was looking for a reason to get out of the date too. FML

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By fucking fratricidal - 13/10/2012 22:25 - Canada - Bedford

Today, for the second week in a row, my brother woke me up in the small hours of the morning begging me to help him figure out the math problem to turn off his phone's stupid-ass app alarm. FML

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24377

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By louie - 31/1/2012 20:17 - United States

Today, I went to see a doctor about some of the memory problems I've been having. After the appointment, I could barely remember a thing he told me. FML

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By anon - 26/12/2013 12:08 - Australia

Today, I watched "Time of the Doctor" and I'm pretty sure my love of Doctor Who slithered out through my ear and shamefully lodged itself in the darkest corner of the room, crying. FML

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By Allison Arsenault - 7/6/2020 08:08

Cheap-ass perv!

Today, I found out my boyfriend of 5 years thinks that it is too expensive to get married, go on vacations, concerts, etc., but spends $100+/month on Hentai. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/9/2020 14:01

Venmo me

Today, my mother-in-law called to find out how the first week of school went for the kids. She spent most of the call complaining about her husband. I'd like to send her a bill for her trying to use me as a therapist. FML

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1080

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By psychedout - 10/8/2009 22:48 - United States

Today, a patient was late for a psychiatry appointment, after having missed his previous two. I am the medical student on the team that was supposed to do his assessment. I said, "You snooze, you lose." Everyone stopped and looked at me. Apparently, he missed them because he has narcolepsy. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/11/2013 22:30 - New Zealand - Hamilton

Today, I heard my dad complaining that he won't be able to go to a concert, because it's happening on my birthday. This is the first time he's even acknowledged my birthday in over ten years. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/12/2009 14:49 - United States

Today, I went to a movie with a girl I went to high school with. There was a preview for an upcoming 3D movie. I asked her if she had ever seen a 3D movie before. She told me she couldn't because she is blind in one eye. Apparently it's a "sensitive subject." FML

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By regstl - 1/6/2013 06:21 - United States - Beaverton

Today, as I was getting out of my car, an old and obese lady walked up to me and called me an "inconsiderate heartless bitch" for using the last handicap parking spot. I guess she didn't see my wheelchair. FML

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By kawaiixalice - 28/12/2010 15:14 - United States

Today, I needed to job shadow someone for my winter break career project. Not finding someone to take me along to their job, my mom suggested shadowing my dad. Not wanting to hurt his feelings, I went with him. All day I sat and helped him test human poop samples for parasites. Some was diarrhea. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/2/2016 16:54 - United States - Richmond

Today, some jackass decided that using the back of my car to slow down was easier than using his brakes. FML

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By lilsis - 31/1/2010 05:38 - Australia

Today, my sister asked me if any of my family members had commented on my recent weight gain. I told her no not really. Her reply? "They must just being saying it behind your back then." FML

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By Sun_Kissed18 - 9/7/2014 07:26 - United States - Hillsborough

Today, at my job at a frozen yogurt shop, an elderly woman gladly announced that I'd be seeing a lot of her due to the vaginal infection that she has. Thank you for that, ma'am. FML

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By jcesom - 1/8/2009 06:35 - United States

Today, my father taught my son to pee on trees outside. We went to the mall later and my son decided to practice what he'd learned on a potted plant. FML

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By FML - 5/1/2012 15:56 - United States

Today, I received a ticket for not having my headlights on. The cop who pulled me over had a broken headlight. FML

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By jalopenos - 29/1/2009 10:27 - United Kingdom

Today, my friend had to leave work early for a funeral and on his way out I wanted to say something. All I could think of was "have fun". FML

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By adalia - 19/7/2009 17:11 - United Kingdom

Today, I was telling my dad about plans to go out late for a few drinks next week. My dad started his usual "YOU COULD GET RAPED!" lecture, before my brother sprang to my defence, "It's not like she's what they're after, is she?" Apparently, rapists are out of my league. FML

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By 21ShitCleaner - 21/4/2015 12:51 - United States - Poway

Today, my dad woke me up at 5am saying that there was dog shit on the carpet. I thought it was just a clever ruse to get me into the living room for a birthday surprise. It wasn't. There really was dog shit that I had to clean up, with no "Happy birthday"s even uttered. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/8/2011 04:48 - United States

Today, a man with a face like a corpse's shoe started talking to me in the long queue at the Post Office. Apparently, his mother invented the banana, and he's first in line for the throne in France if ever Prince Harry dies. And his breath smelled like Satan's ass gas. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/1/2010 14:25 - United States

Today, after reading a sign at the airport, my 6-year-old son thought it would be funny to yell, "Daddy's got a bomb!" Airport security then tackled me to the ground. Oh, and I missed my flight and my mother's birthday. FML

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By kiddoc - 26/10/2011 02:28 - United States

Today, I was happily playing with my young niece and nephew. Their grandmother was watching and said, "You are so good with children! Why don't you have any?" My husband died 3 months ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/5/2012 14:13 - United States

Today, I found out my best friend was having a birthday party and I wasn't invited, so I asked her why. She replied, "what birthday party?" It was a surprise birthday party. FML

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By GlowInTheDark - 9/12/2011 07:41 - Australia

Today, I told my boyfriend about how a few years ago I had cancer, and how I underwent radiation therapy. His response? "Did you glow in the dark?" FML

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By Goaway - 14/8/2011 11:20 - United States

Today, two Jehovah's Witnesses rang my doorbell for the 10th time. This time they asked me whether I knew Faith's greatest enemy. I replied, "Basic reasoning?" A copy of The Watchtower can really hurt when it hits you in the eye. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/4/2016 21:43 - United States - Sterling

Today, my 12 and 14 year olds told me they'll be doing whatever they like from now on and there will be no rules or bedtime, otherwise they'll tell their teachers that my husband and I abuse them. Where did I go wrong? FML

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By gross - 15/7/2016 03:06 - United States - Cuyahoga Falls

Today, after giving a potential employee a drug test and instructing her to leave her urine sample in the bathroom, she not only brought it into the office, she spilled it on the front desk. FML

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By nope - 29/3/2020 14:00

Influencers know no bounds

Today, my wife and I got into a massive argument after she started a YouTube channel for our young daughter. I explained that I’m not comfortable with god knows who looking at our kid. Apparently, I’m just being paranoid. She’s already recorded our entire house, including my daughter's bedroom. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/6/2020 08:08

Dead wrong

Today, I attended my husband's funeral and my son carried out the eulogy, which basically turned into a character assassination, ending with "and I hope Hell is hot enough for you, old man." Almost our entire family agreed with every word he said. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/8/2019 02:00 - United States - Bisbee

Today, I grabbed a box of my favorite granola bars, the only flavor the brand makes without nuts, which I'm severely allergic to. A visit to the ER after my throat closed up told me that I'd missed the notice on the shelf, warning that they're now making them with peanuts. FML

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By Bob smith - 19/12/2011 20:57 - Australia

Today, it was my first day working as a nightclub bartender. All through the evening, a really creepy bloke stood in a dark corner and leered at the girls on the dance floor. When I took the bouncer to one side to let him know, he told me the man was a coat stand. FML

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By Emily - 21/9/2012 01:39 - United States - Mission Viejo

Today, my friend posted my phone number all over the Internet, claiming I was a deranged stalker who prank called her. I was calling from my new number to give it to her. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/8/2019 14:00 - United States

Today, I was walking down the street, wearing nothing offensive, minding my own business, when a car drove past and threw something that hit me really hard in the back of my head. It was a Bible. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/10/2011 02:49 - United States

Today, I was about to have sex with my girlfriend for the first time. Just as she took her shirt off, her phone rang. It was her mom demanding she return home. Now I've been cockblocked, and my girlfriend's mom seems to be a god damn clairvoyant. Awesome. FML

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Top comments

By stevenmx86 | 7

#2584037 - Sunday 29 May 2011 19:01

Lol use miracle grow

By crymore007 | 11

#2584041 - Sunday 29 May 2011 19:02

do you shave? she mightve thought it was a chia pet

COMMENTS

By stevenmx86 | 7

#2584037 - Sunday 29 May 2011 19:01

Lol use miracle grow

chimpsndip | 0

#2584057 - Sunday 29 May 2011 19:03

Talking to the penis makes it happy.

crymore007 | 11

#2584069 - Sunday 29 May 2011 19:05

does op shave? she probably thought it was a chia pet

A7X_LoVeee | 10

#2584077 - Sunday 29 May 2011 19:07

14, why would you repeat yourself?

crymore007 | 11

#2584101 - Sunday 29 May 2011 19:09

I'm on an iPod and it put it twice...idk it's retarded like that :P

herrobear | 0

#2584125 - Sunday 29 May 2011 19:17

I think she was just trying to turn you on man.

bbucaro98 | 0

#2584154 - Sunday 29 May 2011 19:22

true that^

By OasC82 | 0

#2584039 - Sunday 29 May 2011 19:01

hahah tiny shmeckle

AlwaySunny | 0

#2584118 - Sunday 29 May 2011 19:16

at least she didn't mow it..

By crymore007 | 11

#2584041 - Sunday 29 May 2011 19:02

do you shave? she mightve thought it was a chia pet

OasC82 | 0

#2584062 - Sunday 29 May 2011 19:04

cha cha cha chia!

crymore007 | 11

#2584084 - Sunday 29 May 2011 19:07

lol it put my commnt up twice...once As a response to 1. iPod FTL

By simply_improper | 1

#2584048 - Sunday 29 May 2011 19:03

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By CSRozell | 4

#2584052 - Sunday 29 May 2011 19:03

lol I don't think she was actually saying it was small
just being a girl they like to fuck with you about that

moosemonkey1000 | 6

#2584079 - Sunday 29 May 2011 19:07

my girlfriend has never joked about that.. maybe thats just her though..

Sady_Ct | 37

#7858676 - Tuesday 12 November 2019 12:18

I never joke about my partner’s size, that would be like him joking about my boob size.

By iAmScrubs | 19

#2584064 - Sunday 29 May 2011 19:04

All she needs now is a little bit of sunlight.

GreenMaze | 0

#2584142 - Sunday 29 May 2011 19:20

and a fertilizer.

iAmScrubs | 19

#2584158 - Sunday 29 May 2011 19:23

yes, he can supply that if you know what I mean.

By WoGxFALLEN | 0

#2584066 - Sunday 29 May 2011 19:05

did it work?

By HahaYDI | 0

#2584070 - Sunday 29 May 2011 19:05

Take some hedge clippers and tell her you're going to trim her forest.

By TylersMB | 0

#2584072 - Sunday 29 May 2011 19:06

chia!

By minion_freak | 0

#2584074 - Sunday 29 May 2011 19:06

hahaha nice one!