Today, my girlfriend and I were taking a shower together. We were fooling around when she took the shower head and started spraying my penis with it. I asked her, "What are you doing?" Her response, "I'm watering it to make it grow." FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, while reading my girlfriend's kids a story, her daughter started pouring a tiny watering can on my head. When I asked her what she was doing, she said, "Watering your head so your hair grows back". I'm twenty-seven. FML
Today, while showering with my boyfriend, he asked if something was weird about his penis. Naturally, I looked closer. As soon as I did, he sprayed my face with urine. This is only the beginning; we just moved in. FML
Today, I caught my boyfriend in the bathtub interrogating his penis and "drowning" it when it wouldn't answer him. FML
Today, I was peeing in the shower when my girlfriend suddenly pulled open the shower curtain in an attempt to scare me. Startled, I quickly spun around and peed all over her dress. FML
Today, my girlfriend thought it would be sexy to give me a naked massage. She straddled my back and started rubbing, then she sneezed and peed on me. FML
Today, my girlfriend was giving me a handjob in the shower. As I was reaching climax, my mom walked by the bathroom door and started talking to me. My girlfriend didn't stop, and in order to distract from the situation at hand, I had to carry on the conversation with my mom. FML
Today, my girlfriend was giving me a hand job. As I reached my climax, she thought it would be funny to turn my 'weapon' against me. Boom, headshot. FML
Today, I was shaving naked in my cold bathroom before showering. My wife walked up behind me, yelled "Shrinkage!" and flicked the head of my penis as hard as she could. FML
Today, my girlfriend was giving me a hand job, which was great, until she started saying, "Milk the penis… Miiiiilk the penis…" FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were getting hot and heavy. She had her shirt off, and commented on the small size of her breasts. Trying to make her feel better, I said I'd dated girls with smaller breasts. She replied by saying she'd dated bigger penises. FML
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Top comments
stevenmx86 8
Lol use miracle grow
crymore007 11
do you shave? she mightve thought it was a chia pet
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Comments (57)
stevenmx86 8
Lol use miracle grow
chimpsndip 0
Talking to the penis makes it happy.
crymore007 11
does op shave? she probably thought it was a chia pet
A7X_LoVeee 10
14, why would you repeat yourself?
crymore007 11
I'm on an iPod and it put it twice...idk it's retarded like that :P
herrobear 0
I think she was just trying to turn you on man.
bbucaro98 0
true that^
OasC82 0
hahah tiny shmeckle
AlwaySunny 0
at least she didn't mow it..
crymore007 11
do you shave? she mightve thought it was a chia pet
OasC82 0
cha cha cha chia!
crymore007 11
lol it put my commnt up twice...once As a response to 1. iPod FTL
simply_improper 1
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
aww poor you
CSRozell 4
lol I don't think she was actually saying it was small just being a girl they like to **** with you about that
moosemonkey1000 6
my girlfriend has never joked about that.. maybe thats just her though..
Sady_Ct 38
I never joke about my partner’s size, that would be like him joking about my boob size.
iAmScrubs 19
All she needs now is a little bit of sunlight.
GreenMaze 0
and a fertilizer.
iAmScrubs 19
yes, he can supply that if you know what I mean.
WoGxFALLEN 0
did it work?
HahaYDI 0
Take some hedge clippers and tell her you're going to trim her forest.
TylersMB 0
chia!
minion_freak 0
hahaha nice one!