By penpendesrapen - Philippines

Sink-dodger alert!

Today, I went to the bathroom to take a piss. While washing my hands, I heard someone taking a large dump in one of the stalls. When he was finished, he left the bathroom without washing his hands. Turns out he was the IT guy I called to fix my computer. He sat down on my chair and used my keyboard. FML

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Poisoned chalice

Nice guy DESTROYED by FACTS and LOGIC

Give me my drugs!

By captainuniverse - United States - Nashville

Today, my girlfriend told me she was pregnant. She also said I'm going to be an uncle. FML

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By kira - United States

Today, my mom screeched at me about my pillowcase being dirty and finished off one long rant with an irate "Who raised you to be such a pig?" Her anger multiplied by ten when I asked if it was a trick question. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I went to an amusement park with my family. I was the only one who put on sunblock, and the only one who got a sunburn. FML

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By notafan - United States

Today, I was at a baseball game. This kid in front of me had binoculars and was constantly shouting. Trying to amuse the girl next to me, I leaned over and said, "That kid probably has wet dreams about baseball." She got up and said to the kid, "Come on honey, we're leaving." FML

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By moonlight77

Today, I deliberately snapped a pic of myself and edited it to add to my story, in order to make my ex think I have a life on a Saturday night. FML

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By ughhhh - United States

Today, my mom spent over $200 getting me tested for every drug in the book. All because I admitted to smoking a single cigarette two years ago. FML

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By Anonymous - Norway - Ytre Arna

Today, I got on the bus. Before I could make it to a free seat, the driver hit the gas, and the sudden movement caused me to stumble and accidentally grab onto another passenger for support. She didn't appreciate this, accused me of molesting her, and got me thrown back off. FML

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By emm - United States

Today, someone rear-ended me while I was on my way home. I was extremely upset and I called my boyfriend for comfort and to help inspect the damage. After taking a good look at the car, he said, "Damn, if only you fucked this hard." FML

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By baddriver - United States

Today, I went to the DMV to get my license. I almost ran over my evaluator as he was walking to get in the car. FML

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By kringr - United States

Today, I went to my high school reunion. I was super excited to see what everyone had done in their lives. The nerdy guy I bullied is now a U.S. Marine and already has two deployments in Afghanistan under his belt. He looked at me in his dress blues and said, "I remember you." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was thinking about how people say if you're gradually introduced to a smell or you're forced to deal with enough, you'll stop noticing it. And how untrue that is. Especially when your roommates sneak a dead rabbit under your bed. FML

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By Nogood - Australia - Wahroonga

Today, my girlfriend decided to get a new haircut. Now, she hates the haircut and blames me for, in her words, "turning me into something I'm not". FML

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By Ginna - Canada

Today, my dad planted and "discovered" a pack of cigarettes in my backpack to distract my mom from his gambling problem. FML

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By tylerlove361 - United States

Today, I cut myself with child-proof scissors. FML

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By theuglyone - United Kingdom - London

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me for a girl he met through me. I shouldn't feel bad. Apparently, she's exactly like me, only much prettier. FML

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By Winchesterlover - United States

Today, my mom and I tried out Just Dance 2 on the Wii. When we both threw out our hands at the same time, my mom's Wii remote hit my hand and ripped my finger nail. As I stared at the bloody, half hanging off nail, my mom muttered, "You should have stayed in your dance space." FML

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By fuck - United Kingdom - Farnham

Today, I was browsing porn in my room, when my dad barged in. I quickly switched to another tab, only to see it was parked on another porn page. I had another browser window open, so I switched to that. More porn. My dad said, "Riiiggghhhttt... You need help, son." FML

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By thefriedman - United States - Perris

Today, I realized that the air freshener in my bathroom and the air freshener in my girlfriend's bedroom are the exact same scent. Now, every time I go to the bathroom I get an erection, and every time my girlfriend and I have sex in her room, I think about shitting. FML

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By DebitDebacle

Today, after my bank sent me a new card because the old one had been compromised, I woke up to find that it's already been used to start an Amazon Prime account and order several movies. The card to replace a compromised card has been compromised. FML

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By Anonymous - France

Today, one of my husband's old college buddies came over for dinner. We reminisced about our college days, and he laughed as he told the story about my husband making up a friend, Marc Deveau, that he'd say he was visiting when he was cheating on his girlfriend. My husband still sees Marc Deveau. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/3/2020 23:00

Working in retail sucks

Today, a customer yelled at me because we didn't have any laptops in stock. I work at a clothing store. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I overheard my boyfriend telling his friends about how great the sex was last night, and how he loves to "make a bitch bend over". We've been dating for 3 years, and haven't made love in several weeks. FML

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By liz1234 - United States

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. His mom called to him from the next room telling him dinner would be ready soon, he needed to move his car, etc. They had a 5 minute conversation...while he was still inside me. FML

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By nic - United States

Today, for April fools I decided to set off the smoke detectors in my friend's apartment while he was sleeping and saran wrap the outside of his bedroom doorway so he would smack into it. Instead, he jumped out the window and broke his leg. FML

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By ewwww - United States - Oak Lawn

Today, I found out where the mysterious bites on my back keep coming from. It's not every day you find an earwig in your loofah. FML

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By NoPromotionForYou - 7/5/2020 14:00

The sweet smell of success

Today, I was alone at the office. Having held it in all day, I let out the longest, worst-smelling fart of my life. The owner of the company, investigating the odd noise, opened my office door. When the stench hit him, he walked backwards all the way to his office, staring at me, in silence. FML

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By oh no - United States - Rochester

Today, I set my phone down at work in the back while I helped a customer. When I came back it was gone. It took me twenty minutes to find, duct taped to the ceiling. FML

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By CrawlingUnderARock

Today, I discovered that a company has been using a photo of me for one of those "she lost 50 pounds" online ads. I'm the "before" photo. FML

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By Mamasboyhater - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 4 years broke up with me because his mom told him to. FML

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By sausagefingers - United States - Nixa

Today, I overheard my boyfriend and his friends talking in the next room. I smiled when my boyfriend called me beautiful, only to hear his friend laugh and say, "C'mon, dude. She has fat ankles and smells like deli meat." FML

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By Oh... - Australia

Today, my grandma drove me home from school early because I was sick. I went upstairs and heard my parents having sex. Embarrassed, I ran downstairs and was about to leave the house when I saw a car pull into the driveway. It was my dad. FML

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By froyo - United States

Today, I knew my girlfriend was having a bad day. I went to bring her frozen yogurt at work because she loves it. When I was in the elevator, I overheard her colleague saying that the reason she was upset was because she had been cheating on her boyfriend with her new intern. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bowling Green

Today, I was playing Mario Kart with my wife. I threw a blue shell and it hit her. She then refused to speak to me for three hours straight until right before bedtime when she called me a bastard and told me to sleep on the couch. FML

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By tuggernuts - United States

Today, I was using a penis pump for the first time. It was awesome until it sucked my left testicle into the tube. I'll be singing soprano for a while now. FML

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By pooplife - United Kingdom - Nottingham

Today, I sat down for a poop. The toilet seat slid off immediately, taking me with it. I lay on the bathroom floor for several moments stunned, still pooping. FML

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By Anonymous

Pennies From Heaven

Today, I bought some shoes, but pissed off the lady working at the store by returning them 5 minutes later. She yelled at me and ripped my receipt in half, everyone in the store watched as she threw a handful of pennies at my face. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/11/2020 13:59

Nice try

Today, after spending days writing up an offer for a condo so my boyfriend and I could move in together with our 9-month-old, we found out they accepted a different offer. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, my boyfriend crashed our car into the car ahead. He was trying to pull away from the traffic lights faster than the person next to us, a ten-year-old kid on a bicycle. FML

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By jjgirl - 1/11/2020 05:02

Weight Watchers

Today, I proudly announced to my mother that I would cut down on sugar. Without missing a beat, her response was, “Out. You need to cut it out.” FML

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By lessinterestingthanadog - United States

Today, I invited the guy I've been seeing to my home for the first time. He spent over an hour talking to my twelve-year-old dog. Occasionally he would look up to ask me a question, but when I answered he would just continue talking to the dog. FML

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Top comments

By intensitive | 11

#935424 - Thursday 11 March 2010 9:07

Lysol. And a phone call to his supervisor. FYL.

By lynsieloowho | 0

#935434 - Thursday 11 March 2010 9:10

that is why you always carry sanitizer

COMMENTS

By intensitive | 11

#935424 - Thursday 11 March 2010 9:07

Lysol. And a phone call to his supervisor. FYL.

Reply

sellenna | 0

#935611 - Thursday 11 March 2010 10:18

agreed!! ^

Reply

ilovewhoppers | 0

#935620 - Thursday 11 March 2010 10:27

wow u guys are messed up I would have just licked the keyboard clean

Reply

epound28 | 0

#935645 - Thursday 11 March 2010 10:40

Same here. As well as the toilet bowl.

Reply

ilovewhoppers | 0

#935742 - Thursday 11 March 2010 12:00

I would have just licked the keyboard clean Or made snickerdoodles do
it

Reply

479 | 0

#935798 - Thursday 11 March 2010 12:26

does it feel like u are wiping his ass when u use the keyboard?

Reply

fisheatsbear | 6

#935938 - Thursday 11 March 2010 13:33

@42 why would they clean the toilet?

Reply

DGross | 8

#936155 - Thursday 11 March 2010 15:38

...and what an interesting phone call that would be :-P

Reply

smartman136 | 8

#937003 - Thursday 11 March 2010 20:58

amen lick tht keyboard snick lick it, lick it good

Reply

ReyEr9412 | 0

#937060 - Thursday 11 March 2010 21:19

Keyboards are already filfthy. Just clean it off and get over it. Not an FML.

Reply

cuntwaffle | 0

#937302 - Thursday 11 March 2010 23:03

and now your useing it! o god!

Reply

poezpoee | 0

#937413 - Thursday 11 March 2010 23:47

do you go to forest park

Reply

StoryOfTheYear | 13

#938271 - Friday 12 March 2010 5:18

I wash my hands but don't really get why it's sych a big deal? it's not like he's pulling shit out of his ass <-- pun

Reply

bobby3130 | 0

#938524 - Friday 12 March 2010 7:01

beat him over the head with the laptop, make him wash his hands, then tell his supervisor he dropped your laptop and broke it, so u will get a new one and he will be fired

By lynsieloowho | 0

#935434 - Thursday 11 March 2010 9:10

that is why you always carry sanitizer

Reply

garrettjordan | 0

#935539 - Thursday 11 March 2010 9:42

you should of at least said somthing haha but FYL

By Asstazztic | 8

#935435 - Thursday 11 March 2010 9:10

Lol

By nommnom_fml | 0

#935443 - Thursday 11 March 2010 9:11

wow there's alotta disgusting storys like takin a shit an not washin there hands on FML lol

By Anodyne | 0

#935455 - Thursday 11 March 2010 9:14

Thats the kind of complaint that gets a person fired.

By TheJesterOfRippe | 0

#935456 - Thursday 11 March 2010 9:14

Wow........ That's nice......well at least he was thoughtful enough to give you a present XD XD XD

Reply

FTWisRIGHT | 0

#1483547 - Saturday 2 October 2010 2:17

Dude. No.

By WeOH12 | 0

#935463 - Thursday 11 March 2010 9:16

Bitch if you dont shut tha hell up about grammar! YOUR MORE ANNOYING THAN THE WRITING!

By redbluegreen | 40

#935470 - Thursday 11 March 2010 9:18

I think the people that complain about her are actually a lot worse than anything else on this site. Especially ones that use caps lock.

By NeonBunBun | 0

#935471 - Thursday 11 March 2010 9:18

Hm, Maybe he heard the man take a large dump? Gross but possible, also the smell might help determine how nasty it was. lol fyl

By crzyry | 6

#935478 - Thursday 11 March 2010 9:20

Ydi for not kicking his ass out your office and reporting his nasty ass.