By WittyMoron - 8/1/2020 01:00 - United Kingdom

Shooting!

Today, I was out shooting pigeons with my brother. I decided to climb a tree to get a better view of where they were flying in from. As I perched on a branch and surveyed the skies, my idiot brother mistook me for a pigeon and shot me in the leg. FML

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Cloth ears

Overbearing much?

Runner up

By Motionless - United States

Today, I had sex with my girlfriend. This is the seventh time in a row that she hasn't moved or made any noises the entire way through. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, was my first meeting with business partners as I am new to the team. Instead of saying that I was looking forward to "stretching my legs" or "spreading my wings", I told them I was anxious to start "spreading my legs". FML

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By cockblocked - United States - Goose Creek

Today, I asked my dad if my girlfriend could sleep over. He winked at me and agreed. When I brought her home, we went to my room for a quickie. There, I saw that my dad had taped multiple Richard Simmons posters to the wall, causing my girlfriend to suddenly come down with a "headache." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend sent me a text saying to call him. When I did, it went straight to voicemail. It was a recording of him breaking up with me. He broke up with me over the phone, without even talking to me. FML

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By talt

Today, I went to the hospital for taking to many anxiety meds cause of a panic attack over my finals. They decided the best way to fix this will be to involuntarily commit me to psychiatric treatment for 72 hours... missing all my finals. FML

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By dreamer2639 - United States

Today, I exchanged numbers with this guy in the McDonald's drive-thru. When he asked why I gave him my number I told him I thought he had a nice smile. When I asked him the same question, he responded with "I just thought you had a nice rack". FML

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By GoulashQueen - 8/12/2019 01:00 - Australia - Brunswick

Good food

Today, I sent a dude a snapchat of my food. He responded with a video of him taking a shower, nude. FML

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By nickthetank - Canada

Today, I got circumcised by my girlfriend's braces. FML

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By isuckatlife - United States

Today, while changing my tampon in the stall of my high school's bathroom, I lost control of the plastic applicator. The blood-covered apparatus shot out like a rocket underneath the stall door. For a moment I thought no one noticed, then the screaming began. FML

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By Krit - United States

Today, my drunk mother got into a fight with the lady at Krystal burger. Why? "Because the bitch said they aren't making special orders." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I asked my friends what NNAS was code for. They have been using this for about a month. After bothering one of them for a few hours, he finally told me. NNAS stands for Nataly Needs A Shower. I'm Nataly. FML

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By bittenbyadonkey - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend came over to have dinner with my family. Everything went well until my mum started hitting the brandy. While kicked back in her chair, she asked my boyfriend how satisfactory I was in bed, and if he enjoyed going down on me. FML

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By talwin - Reserved

Today, I discovered that the more money I earn, the more my personal belongings break down on me. FML

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By athletiks - United States - Pullman

Today, someone on Instagram posted a picture of himself with gym lifting straps around his neck. I commented "autoerotic asphyxiation" and now a 250-pound bodybuilder wants to kill me. FML

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By WasntWorthIt - United States - Concord

Today, my husband thought it would be romantic to pick me up and fall on the bed with me while we were kissing. Our faces smashed together as we hit the bed, and my tongue is still bleeding on and off. FML

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By Anonymous

Baby, You Can Drive My Car

Today, I had a bad and very unenthusiastic one night stand and tried to quietly order an Uber while she was getting dressed. Turns out, she's an Uber driver and being as she was in the area, the alert came over her phone. She was furious. FML

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By Kevin

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I "always wear that stupid little hat." I'm Jewish. FML

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By deadman - 25/5/2020 02:00

Creeped out

Today, my mom came in my room to give me a goodbye kiss. Out of pure instinct, from hours of doing this to my girlfriend in this exact same spot, I held the kiss way longer than what a mother-son kiss should last. My mom actually had to tell me to "let go" before I let her leave. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was driving past men working on the side of the road. There was a lot of water pouring down the road and as I slowed down to drive through it, a car sped past me, splashing my entire car. It was only then I realized it was a septic tank leak. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/7/2020 17:01

Marxism intensifies

Today, after three weeks of suffering from COVID, I returned to work. I met with my boss, and was written up for absenteeism. Oh, and we're closing early because there are ongoing riots. Oh, and we lost the contract and I'm unemployed in three weeks. FML

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By thedogwalker - 9/8/2020 08:02

Mistaken identity

Today, I was out walking my dog, when a lady called out to me asking, “Is that a boy or a girl?” Assuming she meant the dog, I told her that he was a boy. When I turned away, I heard her say to her kid, “I was talking about the person walking the dog, but whatever,” then audibly laughing. FML

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By Username - France

Today, I was life guarding at a community pool and noticed a toddler go under water. I quickly jumped in and suddenly got a charlie horse which caused me to stall. When I looked up, I saw an old woman saving him, and got a shoe thrown at my head. I was fired. FML

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By ~~~ - Australia - Adelaide

Today, after nearly three weeks of hard work, I finally completed my best drawing yet, a self-portrait. I was incredibly excited to take it to class tomorrow. That is, until I came home from a walk later on, only to find my brother had drawn a stick figure on it, wanking into my face. FML

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By madaskueuchiha - United States

Today, I got a call from my parents' divorce lawyer. When I answered the phone, she thought I was my mother and told me the details about my parent's divorce. I'm a 13-year-old boy who sounds like a woman and just learned that my parents are separating. FML

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By floppy - Australia

Today, my house caught fire and almost burned down. My neighbour, who has always hated me, came up, patted me on the back, and said, "That sucks for you." FML

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By issy - United States

Today, while taking a shower in the dorm bathroom, my roommate thought it would be funny to steal my towel, robe, and key. I spent over an hour waiting for someone to come into the bathroom so I could ask them to bring me something to cover up. FML

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By starboy - United States

Today, I was humming the Star Wars theme song while on the bus. When my stop came I walked down the aisle only to hear a girl mutter, "The virginity is strong in this one." She's right. FML

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By jerk - United States

Today, my friend decided to come clean to his parents about his pot usage. He told them that he did it with me on many occasions. His parents decided it would be the right thing to call my parents. Thanks a lot asshole. FML

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By DesperateBich

Today, I was in band rehearsing for a big concert coming up. Since the band was practicing with the orchestra and there weren’t enough seats, we had to stand. My back was facing everyone when my friend tapped me on the shoulder and pointed to my ass. I got my period and everyone saw the stain. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/3/2020 02:00 - United States

Numb

Today, I noticed that my mom had left the house without her cell phone. I called her phone to let her know she forgot it. FML

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By wellalrightythen - United States - Hobart

Today, I boarded a plane. A woman decided that she didn't like where she put her carry on luggage and pulled it out from over my head. The heavy luggage then fell right into my face, the wheel smacking me in the mouth busting my lip open. She just laughed and waltzed away without a word. FML

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By Amb - United States

Today, I realized my boyfriend makes the same noises in bed as he does when he's winning in Call of Duty. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was alone with a work acquaintance at lunch. A noise came from his pocket; he whipped out his iPod Touch and said "Sorry, I have to take this," before walking away with the iPod to his ear. Not only did he not want to talk to me, he thought I was stupid enough to confuse an iPod with a phone. FML

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By ThatSped - Canada - Moncton

Today, during class, a girl had suggested how I, a 16 year-old guy, would be a high maintenance girlfriend. We sat and debated this, allowing for other people to listen in and agree with her, and eventually the entire class agreed with her. Even the teacher. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I went to a cute frog-themed frozen yogurt shop that was surprisingly realistic. So realistic, in fact, that there was a dead fly in my yogurt. I found it with my tongue. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I helped my parents move out of their old house. While I was guiding my dad down the stairs with the couch, my mom asked me to pick up the tape on the step below me. I bent over and grunted. My dad thought I said "Go" and kept moving. He knocked me down two flights of steps. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Camberwell

Today, the framed memorabilia that I spent $195 on last week came crashing to the floor. It was on my wall for less than 2 hours. The picture is torn and the glass is shattered, but at least the frame is alright. FML

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By Skankeriffic - United States

Today, I sat in bumper-to-bumper traffic for half an hour. The entire time, a man I had gone on a date with and that had gotten very out of hand with, was sitting in the car next to me. I noticed, panicked, and tried to drive off, rear-ending the car in front of me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I noticed a spot of water on the floor. I thought my cats had spilled a cup of water and didn't worry about it. I went to a meeting and when I came back, my entire apartment was flooded with 3 inches of water. FML

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By josh - United States

Today, I sent a Facebook friend request to my ex. This afternoon I notice that they had accepted, and had left a message for me in my inbox. Asking how they knew me. FML

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Top comments

By MadiGirl24 | 18

#7872778 - Wednesday 8 January 2020 2:02

What the hell, ydi, for just shooting at random pigeons.

By Istalkrexgar2000_fml | 5

#7872784 - Wednesday 8 January 2020 3:22

Karma.

COMMENTS

By MadiGirl24 | 18

#7872778 - Wednesday 8 January 2020 2:02

What the hell, ydi, for just shooting at random pigeons.

Reply

PhoenixChick | 26

#7872989 - Wednesday 8 January 2020 22:07

"random pigeons" ? I thought at first you were saying all hunters should be shot, but theh way you phrased it makes it seem like you think these guys just got mad at pigeons for looking at them funny.

By ahabsfan | 14

#7872780 - Wednesday 8 January 2020 2:25

Why, do you have feathers?

By oneonta | 8

#7872783 - Wednesday 8 January 2020 2:44

man, either your brother is a complete idiot, or you look strangely bird-like...

By Istalkrexgar2000_fml | 5

#7872784 - Wednesday 8 January 2020 3:22

Karma.

By Sinshine | 27

#7872792 - Wednesday 8 January 2020 4:48

I hope it hurt really bad. Shooting animals that haven't done anything to you...

Reply

mcsmee | 5

#7873016 - Thursday 9 January 2020 0:58

You'd rather he eat a bird that's grew up in a crowded pen with thousands of other birds, like the fried chicken that you get at KFC? Ethical hunters eat what they kill.

By slowhandjp | 16

#7872799 - Wednesday 8 January 2020 5:21

You look small like a pigeon?

By Mungolikecandy | 19

#7872810 - Wednesday 8 January 2020 6:54

If you were shooting them to eat then I may not like it but can understand it, but if you are shooting surely you wear high visibility clothing so you are visible to other shooters?

By jbuckets_404 | 38

#7872867 - Wednesday 8 January 2020 11:20

One of the 4 rules of safe hunting is to clearly identify what you are about to shoot before pulling the trigger. Your brother's an idiot....

By mooshake | 15

#7872917 - Wednesday 8 January 2020 16:45

There is so much about this fml that is off 👃

By Taylor Caldwell | 10

#7872950 - Wednesday 8 January 2020 18:55

Darwinism at its finest, shame it was only your leg though.