Intimacy and Health: Saucy

Saucy

By ouchhhh - 20/07/2018 05:00

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to try something new in bed. He blindfolded me and I felt something cold on my lady parts. 5 seconds later it started burning so I looked. He decided to use toothpaste because he couldn't find chocolate sauce to lick off. It hurts to pee. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 544

You deserved it 618

Labour Day: Rest or Disaster?
Find out how a day off can turn into a series of hilarious, unexpected events. More…

Previous FML Next FML

Same thing different taste

Bernie

By Anonymous - 27/11/2017 06:00

Today, my boyfriend went down on me for the first time. It would have been great, if a mate of his didn't tell him to put Listerine strips in his mouth first "for the tingle." I've been running cold water over my burning genitals for 15 minutes while he laughs at the door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 943

You deserved it 614

Not really a good idea

By Anonymous - 27/02/2020 18:00

Today, I decide to let my boyfriend introduce food into our sex life, then a few days after we used melted chocolate I got a UTI. I’ve never had a UTI before in my life so I’m blaming him for the fact it feels like I’m peeing needles dipped in acid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 952

You deserved it 2 413

By Anonymous - 03/04/2018 05:00

Today, my boyfriend put chili powder on our loo roll as a "harmless" prank. He forgot women use loo roll to wipe the sensitive parts of their bodies. I have itchy weeping sores inside my vagina and am considering sticking an ice cube up there to stop the burning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 562

You deserved it 388

New one

By Anonymous - 07/02/2020 12:00 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I closed my eyes while my boyfriend was fingering me, and I felt a cold liquid inside me. I opened my eyes, and he was pouring yogurt into me. He said “I wanted to try something new.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 430

You deserved it 454

Thin brown line

By Poopy - 12/01/2009 16:19 - United States

Today, my man and I were having sex on edge of bed. We were using chocolate spread and I was riding him. When we were done, he got up and I noticed a long brown line on the edge of the bed. I knelt down to smell it. It was NOT chocolate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 882

You deserved it 8 237

Spicy!

By feeling dusty - 11/03/2018 06:00

Today, my husband and I were about to have sex for the first time in months. We wanted to spice things up by using chocolate sauce during a blowjob, but the chocolate glued his foreskin to his penis and he cried. Safe to say the dry spell continues. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 867

You deserved it 1 603

By katie - 23/08/2019 06:00 - United States - Chicago

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to try the ice cubes in the vagina thing we'd read about. He kept sticking one in after another and they got stuck. My vagina had a brain freeze for a half an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 706

You deserved it 3 831

By Anonymous - 28/11/2011 03:03 - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided that vaginal, oral, and anal sex are starting to get boring. Let's just say that my armpit is now drenched in lube. I'm afraid of what he's going to want to try once he gets bored of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 289

You deserved it 10 505

By Anonymous - 01/03/2011 17:32 - United States

Today, while getting it on with my boyfriend, I decided to be spontaneous and do something sexy. I started taking his underwear off with my teeth. My teeth dragged over his shaft, and my braces cut up his foreskin in the process. Now he's not talking to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 754

You deserved it 62 002

Prank gone wrong

By Anonymous - 27/02/2023 18:00

Today, my prank-loving girlfriend pushed hot sauce up my penis hole with her tongue by pretending she was going to give me oral sex. It’s been an hour of burning, it’s worse when I pee, and I think I may need a hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 858

You deserved it 247

DanielleinDC 33

Friday 20 July 2018 5:10

Your boyfriend is an idiot. (P.S. You probably shouldn't put chocolate sauce on your lady parts either.)

RichardPencil 30

Friday 20 July 2018 5:14

****** dentata is a myth — you don’t need dental hygiene down there.

Comments

FishyFishy 12

Friday 20 July 2018 5:07

At least your minty fresh now?!

wHSKitty 11

Saturday 21 July 2018 2:19

Your - your; you’re- you are

zuckerburg 21

Monday 23 July 2018 13:16

there, their, they're... it'll be ok.

zuckerburg 21

Monday 23 July 2018 13:17

there, their, they're... it'll be ok.

DanielleinDC 33

Friday 20 July 2018 5:10

Your boyfriend is an idiot. (P.S. You probably shouldn't put chocolate sauce on your lady parts either.)

tounces7 27

Friday 20 July 2018 17:39

And who the heck would even WANT to lick off toothpaste, anyway?

Emma Marshall 19

Friday 20 July 2018 23:45

It's fine... you can literally buy body chocolate. And any chocolate would be fine anyway lol.

RichardPencil 30

Friday 20 July 2018 5:14

****** dentata is a myth — you don’t need dental hygiene down there.

JustThatPerson 21

Friday 20 July 2018 20:33

Oh I thought vaginas had teeth...

JustThatPerson 21

Friday 20 July 2018 20:34

Oh I thought vaginas had teeth...

JustThatPerson 21

Friday 20 July 2018 20:46

Oh I thought vaginas had teeth...

real life problems 26

Friday 20 July 2018 5:34

Nobody old enough to have sex, should be this ******* stupid.

mekiswrite 21

Friday 20 July 2018 20:14

Plot twist: they're NOT old enough to have sex

Donut_Wizard 23

Friday 20 July 2018 5:35

Mint queefs. Sounds like a new candy.

wHSKitty 11

Saturday 21 July 2018 2:20

Ew lol

wanted_2_want 40

Friday 20 July 2018 6:01

Multitasking at its best: He brushed his teeth while doing the deed and pleasuring you. -at least for a brief while.

Cody Vertigo Bonthoux 15

Friday 20 July 2018 6:11

that dumbass does realize toothpaste is basically a weak acid right

BurnInDemonFire 33

Friday 20 July 2018 7:33

Fire in the hole!

zuckerburg 21

Friday 20 July 2018 7:47

I'm just glad he didn't "spice it up" by using chili....regardless, ladies, please have some open communication with your man when you decide to try new things to discuss the various in's and out's (pun intended) of your ******, i.e What can go in/on top and what can't.

Mungolikecandy 19

Friday 20 July 2018 7:49

You must have had a severe reaction or have some form of prescription toothpaste for that to happen. If it was deep heat or something similar I could believe it.