By yudencow - 18/9/2019 18:00

Reading skills

Today, I showed my parents the latest excerpt from my first book. It's about narratology. My dad thought I was writing about meat. He read "peaks and valleys" as "pork and veal." FML

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Relationships sink

Whatthefuckaburger

Tidy your room

By teejayrn - 15/12/2012 11:48 - United States - Fayetteville

Today, my son sprayed the bottom of my car and windows white with fake snow in Christmas cheer. He did a great job, except he used white spray paint instead of the fake snow. FML

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By embaressed - 20/9/2010 02:13 - United States

Today, I came home to find my drunken father sitting on our front lawn. He had a blanket, lit candle, and was singing with his eyes closed. He told me he believed he was Buddha from watching the history channel. Meanwhile, cars were driving by our house beeping, and yelling "praise the lord!" FML

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By KelseNM - 5/7/2020 14:02

Just No

Today, my future sister-in-law, who hasn’t even been engaged a week, informed everyone that the wedding is December 19, which is the due date of my first child. My brother won’t change the date and is making my family choose between his wedding or being at the hospital with me. FML

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By MaySheRestinPeace - 6/3/2020 15:00

With friends like these…

Today, a friend asked me to cover his shift at work because his grandmother died. Like any decent friend, I obliged. Later, after leaving, I walked by a bar and saw him inside, laughing and doing shots with all of our friends. FML

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By metalmusic - 5/7/2010 05:37 - United States

Today, my boyfriend went to the beach. His parents relentlessly tried to hook him with other girls, all the while knowing that we're dating. Their reasoning is that I'm not a 'real girlfriend.' FML

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By Anonymous - 4/4/2013 14:29 - United States - Portsmouth

Today, I had my first game ever as an ice hockey goalie. Our team didn't have a goalie helmet, so they gave me a regular one which didn't cover me completely. I was worried about it and told my coach, but he said I would be fine. I then took a puck to the throat that sent me to hospital. FML

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By clarakipper - 25/9/2013 07:19 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I found out that the vacation my mom has been planning to "repair our relationship" was just an opportunity to change her Facebook profile picture. FML

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By downlowtooslow - 12/6/2009 04:49 - United States

Today, while eating with my kids at McDonalds, my son put his hand up and wanted me to give him a "high five." I went to give him a five, but he moved his hand at the last second and I ended up slapping him in the face. Now everyone there thinks I'm a child-beater. FML

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By notenoughsex - 19/3/2009 05:46 - Canada

Today, I saw a video in class about women aged 65+ and their sex lives. An elderly, blind woman was having sex at her senior's home. I don't know what's worse, watching an hour-long documentary on this, or the fact that these women are having way more sex than I am. FML

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By Redfaced - 15/5/2013 16:54 - United Kingdom - Walsall

Today, I was sitting next to an attractive man. Much to my surprise, he started stroking his foot against mine. I was happy at the flirting because I've been attracted to him forever, so I played along. That's when he stood up and explained he was trying to stretch out a cramp. FML

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By Nogood - 10/3/2013 09:09 - Australia - Wahroonga

Today, my girlfriend decided to get a new haircut. Now, she hates the haircut and blames me for, in her words, "turning me into something I'm not". FML

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By Anonymous - 13/6/2015 14:26 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I found out that my homophobic boyfriend, who I was giving a chance to grow the fuck up and get over his obsession with bashing gays, has been cheating on me with another man. FML

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By sexlube - 1/1/2020 20:00 - United States - Kirkland

Hand sanitizer

Today, my kid told my wife he's been using the hand sanitizer under our bathroom sink. It's not hand sanitizer, it's a giant bottle of lube.

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2012 12:03 - United States - Altamonte Springs

Today, while trying to rouse my sleeping boyfriend for some morning sex, he came. FML

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By nen_00 - 14/9/2009 21:11 - United States

Today, I realized the guy I've been hooking up with has a daughter who is a year younger than me. As if that wasn't bad enough, I also found out she had a child of her own. I've been hooking up with a grandpa. FML

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By andrew - 4/4/2018 06:00

Today, I broke a world record on third-wheeling with my friend and his girlfriend. As we were driving back from the beach, I took a nap and woke up to my friend receiving head in the front seat. They knew I was awake, but they continued and finished. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/1/2015 16:34 - Ireland

Today, after the longest time, I went to the gym. I ran and ran and ran on the treadmill for an eternity, beating myself up for getting so overweight. Then I tripped and fell off, sweating and sobbing for being so useless. When I looked up, I saw I'd been on the machine for barely 2 minutes. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/10/2015 00:47 - United States - Pensacola

Today, my parents searched my younger sister's phone because she had been acting suspiciously. I asked my mom if she was going to search mine too. She laughed and said, "Sweetie, your phone is probably even duller than mine!" FML

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By slukaa - 13/6/2009 07:10 - United States

Today, for the first time in over a year, my mother actually called me. I excitedly picked up the phone. All I heard was rustling; her purse dialed me. FML

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By WhiteLiar - 4/3/2010 01:26 - United States

Today, I was telling a new friend of mine about my boyfriend. I told her his name and where he is from. She interrupted me and says "Yeah drives a big white truck, rides dirt bikes?! I dated him two years ago!" This guy and I have dated for four years. FML

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By Starchyld - 11/11/2009 12:21 - Canada

Today, I went on blind date with a guy because both our moms thought we'd like eachother. Things were going really well until I got up to go to the bathroom and he says: "My mom was right, you do have perfect breedin' hips!" FML

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By jaydiv - 22/11/2009 09:15 - Australia

Today, I saw my cat outside taking a dump. I pulled back the curtain and watched him clean it up, because I found it fascinating that animals can do that. I must have been standing there for several minutes before I noticed the neighbour next door looking at me being fascinated by my cat pooing. FML

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By Ditzyfitzy - 9/1/2019 14:00

Today, after spending 2 years saving for my flights, I was denied boarding due to issues with my passport. I heading straight to the embassy only to be told a replacement will take 8 days. The airline will only hold my place for 7. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/1/2018 22:00 - United States - Lyons

Instagone

Today, I found out that my girlfriend of almost four years was breaking up with me when she captioned an Instagram post saying, "Who else besides me is going into 2018 single?" I had already bought an engagement ring. FML

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By singleladynow - 20/1/2011 05:04 - United States

Today, I bought something special at Victoria's Secret, then sat in bumper-to-bumper traffic for 2 hours to get to my boyfriend's house. When I got there, he broke up with me. We're 37 years old and he actually gave me the "it's not you, it's me" speech. FML

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By GrossedOutKary - 19/5/2010 19:20 - Puerto Rico

Today, after finally moving into a better neighborhood, my family and I were greeted by the elderly couple who live window to window to us. How? By hearing them have sex loudly and then praying for forgiveness even louder. Welcome to the neighborhood! FML

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By medstudent - 4/2/2009 21:24 - United States

Today, it was the first time I ever saw a vagina in person. It was during medical school training on how to do a pelvic exam. FML

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By yova - 27/3/2016 08:42 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my mom called me a slut after she found out I sleep naked. This is how desperate she is for any excuse to yell at me. FML

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By "catty_13" - 7/10/2017 04:30

Today, thanks to my estranged husband, I had three seizures at work. I came home yesterday to find that my seizure medications were completely gone. He'd flushed them down the toilet because he thinks I'm psychotic and "read on the internet" that it's because of the meds. FML

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By Preggo - 14/5/2016 17:11 - United States - Memphis

Today, I was food shamed by my boyfriend in front of an entire restaurant and his parents because my meal cost more than his. His mom chimed in saying her meal usually costs more than his step dad's too and not to be upset. I'm 8 months pregnant, of course mine costs more. FML

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By JealousBratMuch - 26/7/2013 00:51 - Canada - High River

Today, my eldest daughter has 'officially' removed herself from our family and will no longer communicate with any of us. Apparently it's my fault that her younger sister is having a baby before her, and she can't be part of a family that 'treats her so unfairly'. FML

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By JMU - 6/7/2009 19:34 - United States

Today, I saw a major accident then stopped to help the drivers. I was on my way to a rest stop to use the bathroom so as we were waiting for police I went into the woods and I come out to the police arresting me for public urination. One of the drivers said I was "using the woods for a bathroom." FML

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By Anonymous - 10/7/2009 00:19 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of a month had to leave early. I asked him why and he replied that his brother was getting off the bus and he needed to feed him. I had never met his brother, and I said "He can't feed himself? What is he, retarded?" He is. FML

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By brittgreen - 11/8/2011 20:56 - United States

Today, I was supposed to catch a ride with a friend and go to Warped Tour with her. She called at the last minute to say she was sick, so I told her we didn't have to go. I just got a text saying she just got pictures and autographs with the band I especially wanted to see. FML

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By Connie - 4/6/2011 06:00 - United States

Today, I almost missed the bus. I grabbed my backpack and ran out the door. It wasn't until after we got to school that I realized I was still in my slippers. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/11/2009 00:05 - United States

Today, my girlfriend was throwing a birthday party and got very drunk. She needed help getting to the bathroom so I picked her up and walked her to the toilet. Assuming she needed to throw up, she instead takes a huge, monstrous crap right in front of me. I can't look at her the same ever again. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/5/2014 18:57 - United States

Today, I met up with my group for class. We were doing some final checks on the project we've been working on all semester, when I realized something about one guy's work seemed off. I googled it and found out it's almost completely plagiarized. It's all due in the morning. FML

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By ugh - 5/6/2010 23:49 - Canada

Today, my dad found and read my diary. Most of the entries were about how my father didn't respect my privacy. Then he phoned my aunt and read her passages from it. FML

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By ninalian - 22/5/2011 06:30 - United States

Today, I was talking to this boy I really like and we were laughing together, until I got this disgusting putrid smell. I started to say how awful the smell was and he stopped laughing to take a sniff too. As soon as he closed his mouth the smell was gone. FML

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By Lovestupid - 3/11/2009 09:25 - Australia

Today, I woke up extremely hungover next to a guy I have been in love with for a while but hadn't seen for ages. Turns out he had a bet going with his mates. He bet he could get me to sleep with him straight away even after not calling me for a month. He was right. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 28

#7844611 - Wednesday 18 September 2019 18:56

Your first book? Congratulations!

I hope your parents were suitably impressed that you stayed inside the lines and chose the right colors! Go, you!

By 0neiros | 12

#7845151 - Friday 20 September 2019 18:18

Mmmmmm...Veal.

Comments

By RichardPencil | 28

#7844611 - Wednesday 18 September 2019 18:56

Your first book? Congratulations!

I hope your parents were suitably impressed that you stayed inside the lines and chose the right colors! Go, you!

By 0neiros | 12

#7845151 - Friday 20 September 2019 18:18

Mmmmmm...Veal.