By Mary Anne - 3/9/2020 09:04 - United States - Denver

Rack go thwack

Today, while at work, I walked head first into the edge of a clothing rack. I was looking right at it. People saw. FML

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Harsh

Facebook Science

Stained

By mathii - France

Today, I was doing swimming practice at the pool. I suddenly got breathless, dizzy, and felt like I was drowning. I cried out to the instructor, telling him I had a weak heart. He shouted back, "I don't care about your girlfriend's problems! Swim, bitch!" FML

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By Lexi - United States

Waiting For Godot 2: Electric Boogaloo

Today, my muscles are sore in my arm. I told my boyfriend I think I slept on it wrong. Truth is, it's from masturbation. He won't have sex until we're married. FML

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By Anonymous - Germany - Berlin

Queasy

Today, my boss offered to give me a ride on her way home. Two seconds before getting into the car, I had to let out a fart. I didn't think the fart would follow me in, but it did. She rolled down the windows, and we lapsed into a silent, awkward ride home. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I got home late to find my dad outside mowing the lawn in the dark. I told him the neighbors were going to think he lost his marbles for mowing it at that time. He then informed me he wasn't mowing it, he was vacuuming it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after holding it in for hours, I finally managed to run to the bathroom for a pee. I thought it was impossible for rats to climb up the sewer pipes and into the toilet, but apparently I was wrong. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, it's my birthday. My parents, whom I live with, told me that they did not get me anything, but instead they said they would knock off a bit of the housekeeping I owe them. FML

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By jshi8 - United States

Today, I was taking a dump behind a dumpster. I suddenly heard a noise and a vibration against the dumpster. It was a garbage truck lifting it to collect the trash. The garbage men started laughing and took out their phones. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Today, instead of waking up to soft sunlight creeping in the window or the gentle trill of birds, I was awakened by the sound of my dog vomiting all over my bed. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my grandma rushed into my work and told my manager I had to leave due to a family emergency. Panicked, I ran to get my stuff and ran to the car. When I asked what had happened, she replied, "I needed someone to go see 50 Shades of Grey with me." FML

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By LL - United States - Seattle

Today, after being told numerous times how sexist the East Coast is, I went ahead with my East Coast grad school architecture interview. The first thing out of the interviewer's mouth was, "Are you sure you don't want to do interior architecture?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Big Pine Key

Today, for the fifth day in a row, I have awoken at 6am to the sounds of my roommate's guest's child screaming. If it's anything like the last four days, the child will continue to randomly screech every fifteen minutes or so for the next five hours. I work 13-hour night shifts. FML

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By itzcorinnelove - United States

Today, I was walking my Aunt's dog to the park and I grabbed a few doggy bags to pick up the poop. As it turns out the bag had a small unoticable hole in it, that grew bigger as I fit my hand through it. I ended up using my hand to pick up the poop and didnt realize it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - La Marque

Today, my boyfriend called me anti-social. To prove him wrong I texted one of my friends. She texted back, "Who's this??" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after months of hardcore flirting with this incredibly attractive guy, he invited me to hang out. At which point he introduced me to his boyfriend. FML

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By angry - Canada - Scarborough

Today, I came out as lesbian and introduced my new girlfriend to my family. My mom angrily told me that I should have waited until my grandparents had died before coming out, and that I was "extremely disrespectful" for making this announcement. I honestly thought everyone would be fine with it. FML

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By jjgirl - 1/11/2020 05:02

Weight Watchers

Today, I proudly announced to my mother that I would cut down on sugar. Without missing a beat, her response was, “Out. You need to cut it out.” FML

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By CrappyDay - United States

Today, while working at a daycare, I had to change a kid's diaper. This may seem normal for a daycare worker, but not when it's a 7-year-old kid who is still not potty-trained and shat their pants. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was finally leaving my hometown to live in my dream city. Everything was packed, keys were handed in, goodbyes were made. The moment my truck began pulling out to get underway, the guy I had gotten a room from in my new city called to inform me that he decided to rent to someone else. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/6/2020 05:05

Bitch ass move

Today, my partner and I had bought a short bus to convert to an RV, which is done and we are now ready to move in. That night, after I’m fully out of my place, she informs me she has feelings for my roommate and it’s something she must explore. I'm now homeless and they are traveling around in the conversion. FML

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By whatjusthappened - United States - Norman

Today, I tried to break up with my boyfriend, because he's too manipulative. By the time our chat ended, instead of being single, I'm somehow now committed to going on vacation with him and his family. FML

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By justnance - United Kingdom

Today, I used so many different perfume testers that I passed out on the bus. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finally put the finishing touches on my first vacation in over two years, due to my hellish work schedule. The Governor essentially just vetoed my vacation with evacuation orders. Thanks, Hurricane Irene. FML

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By Lordofdance

Today, the only way my newborn sleeps is if I dance around with him strapped to me. Six hours and counting. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was at my job at an old folks home, and I was cleaning off a table when one old lady looks up at me and says "I've been a dirty dirty girl" in a seductive tone, I thought she meant about the table so I said "yes you have" then she winked at me, I walked away fast. FML

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By chefdujour - United States

Today, I spent 5 hours preparing dinner for my fianc''s grandparents, whom I've never met. At dinner, his grandmother says to him, "If you're going to pick someone to spend the rest of your life with, at least make sure she can cook." I'm the executive chef at a 4 star restaurant. FML

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By foreverAlone - United States - Chesapeake Beach

Today, I met a cute girl. She seemed really sweet and I was heartbroken to find out that she had fallen on hard times and was living in a shelter. I asked her if I could take her out to lunch. She said, "No." I can't even get a date with a homeless girl. FML

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By tuggernuts - United States

Today, I was using a penis pump for the first time. It was awesome until it sucked my left testicle into the tube. I'll be singing soprano for a while now. FML

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By hulagirl1217 - United States

Today, a bee landed on my leg. I didn't realize it was there until my friend yelled out, "Bee!" kicked me in the leg, and ran off. I fell to the ground screaming and clutching my leg. She missed the bee and it still stung me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my family made a fake boyfriend for me on Facebook, since it's been so long since I had one. I accepted the relationship request to try and trick people into thinking I actually had a boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I went to a haunted hayride with my crush and friends. I got scared and screamed so he put his arm around me and hugged me. I took this as a good sign and leaned in. Turns out his friend was handing him something and he wasn't putting his arm around me. FML

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By I know nothing - Canada - Surrey

Today, I start my second shift at my new job. Apparently, I'm closing by myself. I have no idea what I'm supposed to do. FML

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By Anonymous - Ireland - Gorey

Today, I thought it would be a good idea to sneak out of work early and pay a little visit to the pub. I ended up staggering home, drunkenly making myself a nacho cheese dorito milkshake with the blender, then promptly puked my guts out all over the kitchen table. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my 12 year-old daughter asked me where her scrotum is. FML

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By anahira6 - United States - Houston

Today, my boss' son is training to take over my job as head translator, after having convinced his dad that he's fluent in Spanish, and that my skills suck. I soon walked in on him using Google Translate on a legal document. My boss refuses to believe me. FML

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By echolaker2019 - United States - Scarsdale

Today, I had a second date with a really hot guy I met at the mall. Lucky for me, I went into anaphylactic shock from shrimp and the guy called my parents. When I left the hospital, I was notified that after he called my parents, he ordered more food and charged it to my credit card on file. FML

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By new 2 twitter

Today, I had to make a Twitter account, because that is apparently the best way to get news from our new president. FML

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6518

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By dayum - Mexico

Today, my grandpa was wearing flip flops and white socks. He entered my restroom, and the moment he did it, I realized there was no toilet paper left. I felt too ashamed to interrupt his dump, so I waited for him to ask for paper, he never did and came out without socks. FML

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By kirbykylestorm

Online Dating = Brutal

Today, I realised just how lonely I am. After using Tinder for about a week, I got my first match. I said hi while I was in class since I was excited, but by the time I'd gotten back home, she'd unmatched me. I've never felt so hurt by a complete stranger before. FML

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2701

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By Hareega - United States

Today, I took my first day off in 3 weeks just so I can sleep in. The office secretary woke me up at 7.12 am with a page wishing me a nice day off. FML

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30439

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I learned that when someone says "I know what you did" it's better not to confess right away, because sometimes they could be talking about leaving the computer on all night, and not talking about giving the family dog away and telling everyone it ran away. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 28

#7935709 - Thursday 3 September 2020 17:24

If only one of them got video of that!

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7935788 - Friday 4 September 2020 5:15

Stop playing chicken with a heavy, stationary object. You'll lose every time.

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 28

#7935709 - Thursday 3 September 2020 17:24

If only one of them got video of that!

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7935788 - Friday 4 September 2020 5:15

Stop playing chicken with a heavy, stationary object. You'll lose every time.