Venmo me

By Anonymous - 03/09/2020 14:01

Today, my mother-in-law called to find out how the first week of school went for the kids. She spent most of the call complaining about her husband. I'd like to send her a bill for her trying to use me as a therapist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 137

You deserved it 198

Walk the line

Great start to the day

Too much irony

By Nick - 13/05/2009 22:20 - United States

Today, I finally beat the song "Through the Fire and Flames" on Guitar Hero 3. I then realized that it was the biggest accomplishment I've ever made in my entire life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 280

You deserved it 37 505

By Anonymous - 11/06/2012 20:30 - United States

Today, I got a new pair of glasses, and was driving home. While waiting at a stop sign, I noticed a homeless guy touching himself. He saw me, smiled and waved, and then continued. So much for my new eyesight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 477

You deserved it 2 763

By Anonymous - 17/01/2014 02:51 - United States - Landenberg

Today, I downloaded Grindr to my phone. It also downloaded to my mom's phone, my dad's phone, and my brother's phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 081

You deserved it 22 832

Thanks for your help

By wowthanksworld - 22/03/2013 15:42 - United States

Today, I was on the subway when I felt like I was going to faint. I got off the train at the next stop, walked to a bench, but fell over and passed out. When I woke up, I looked around at at least 25 people, who had stepped around me, passed out, in the middle of the platform. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 028

You deserved it 3 253

By Anonymous - 30/04/2012 00:23 - United States

Today, I was so insecure, I got scared of what people might think of my fingers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 601

You deserved it 6 022

By Anonymous - 09/02/2010 02:17 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of six months dumped me for his girlfriend on Grand Theft Auto because he was "tired of having to please two women at once." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 511

You deserved it 4 050

By Bree - 23/09/2018 03:00

Today, it's my wedding anniversary. I decided to come home early to surprise my husband, but I was the one left surprised. I walked in on him in bed with a teenager. I'm six months pregnant with our second child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 048

You deserved it 290

By Michael D. - 25/08/2012 16:06 - United States - Duluth

Today, while I was at work, my wife sent me a few pictures of her in a new lingerie, to "spice up" my day. She didn't realize that I have iCloud turned on so I can share files with my colleagues. My boss and a dozen other employees received the same pictures. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 798

You deserved it 26 996

By Creep - 15/07/2011 23:10 - United States

Today, I discovered my new plug-in air freshener smells exactly like my ex-boyfriend's cologne. My friends noticed this, and nobody will believe me when I say it smelled different on the scratch-and-sniff. Now I'm considered a creep. A nostalgic, obsessed creep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 701

You deserved it 6 068

Alexa, play "People = Shit" by Slipknot

By Faktafem - 19/06/2019 23:55

Today, I went to use one of the toilets at work, where once again someone had not flushed their poo. I work at an institute for higher education, and this happens on a weekly basis, even during the summer when no students are around. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 581

You deserved it 96

By ouch... - 03/03/2010 11:13 - United States

Today, while trying to pull a nail out of some wood with a crowbar in my theatre class, my girlfriend, who was holding down the wood with her foot, thought it would be funny to move her foot and make me lose my balance. Instead, the crowbar flew up and struck me in the nuts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 097

You deserved it 3 394

Join the club

By Anonymous - 31/12/2020 22:56 - United States - Montpelier

Today, for the first time in 8 months, I got laid and it was amazing. Unfortunately, it's kicked my latent sex drive into hyperdrive. Best part? No idea when I might have sex again, so apparently I just have to live with being ragingly horny for the foreseeable future. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 372

You deserved it 351

Stewart Lee has let himself go

By Anonymous - 11/10/2021 14:00

Today, my wife informed me that she hates having sex with me, and only married me because I was dark, trim, and handsome, but now I'm just gray, fat, and soon to be single. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 067

You deserved it 108

Exciting

By Anonymous - 23/07/2021 11:01

Today, I had a crucial volleyball playoff game. My dad came to watch. While in a set, my friend pointed over to the bench where my dad was sitting. I turned to see my dad snoring loudly as a result of him falling asleep. He achieved this with loudly cheering people all around him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 821

You deserved it 75

No, it's not a cult, not at all

By Anonymous - 18/04/2021 20:00 - United States - Seaside

Today, I found out that not only does my sister consider Fox News "reliable" but her husband has been buying Trump merchandise. They owe me $1,900 but they're literally giving a millionaire money instead of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 119

You deserved it 395

Tradwife expectations

By Anonymous - 10/04/2021 10:59

Today, the man I love and who loves me ended our relationship. Why? Because I want to work 3 days a week, which wouldn’t conform to the traditional gender roles he envisions his future wife having. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 380

You deserved it 172

By Anonymous - 17/01/2016 07:26 - United States - Blair

Today, I found out that the only reason I'm alive is because my dad beat the living shit out of my mom to stop her getting an abortion. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 202

You deserved it 1 867

By a tad whipped - 28/04/2013 20:44 - Australia

Today, I summoned the courage to call my abusive mother-in-law about her non-payment of the money I stupidly lent her last year. She replied, "Why don't you go deepthroat a cactus, then we'll talk about it, cunt." and then hung up on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 130

You deserved it 7 211

By Bandgeek - 16/03/2017 20:00

Today, at work, 5 minutes after I'd sent my help home, we got an 83 dollar order. I'm the only cook. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 915

You deserved it 761

By "Nancy Marlin" - 16/07/2017 13:00

Today, I had to call the hotel we were staying at to recover some items I had left. Those items consist of a cellphone, razor blades, used batteries, and a vibrator. They have nothing to do with each other, but yes, they're at the front desk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 585

You deserved it 1 344

By A. - 15/04/2009 07:48 - Canada

Today, after two weeks of living on plain pasta, I finally got my paycheck and was excited that I'd get real food, and ride the subway instead of exhausting my malnourished body with the two-hour walk to work. My surname was misspelt on the check; the bank is holding it for ten days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 81 185

You deserved it 4 078

By that girl - 08/04/2014 23:06 - United States - Bessemer

Today, I was feeling horny, so I told my boyfriend, who lives 30 minutes away, that "I really needed him". He replied, "Did you fall in the toilet again?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 159

You deserved it 12 599

Dishwasher issues

By 3Airwalk3 - 16/02/2010 05:23 - Canada

Today, I was washing a stainless steel pot at my kitchen job. Every time I pulled it out of the dishwasher and examined it for dirt, I saw something orange inside it. After 3 run-throughs, I realized it was just my shirt's reflection. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 972

You deserved it 36 064

By Anonymous - 26/04/2012 19:17 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I decided not to wear any makeup. I got told 13 times at work that I looked ill. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 666

You deserved it 6 746

By Anonymous - 14/10/2009 17:01 - United States

Today, I had to take a dump. While looking for a book to read, I sneezed. The force of the sneeze caused me to shit my pants. The glob of dung then ran down my leg before falling out of my shorts onto my carpet, all in less than 5 seconds. Nothing in my life has prepared me for this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 98 029

You deserved it 16 701

By Anonymous - 21/05/2015 20:41 - United States

Today, I waited tables for the first time at my new restaurant job. I asked a group of older men what they would like. One replied, "A slice of that ass". I'm 19 and a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 931

You deserved it 3 243

By Anonymous - 02/10/2010 02:11 - Israel

Today, the girl who I was in love with for almost seven years listed me on facebook as her "Brother." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 975

You deserved it 6 439

The show must go on!

By Stuckwiththebill - 28/01/2018 01:30

Today, during my wedding ceremony, the groom-to-be found it appropriate to blurt out about an ongoing affair with my maid of honor. They got married instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 509

You deserved it 413

By EggHead - 31/12/2014 04:38 - United States - Woodbridge

Today, at work, a 3-year-old threw an egg at me from his cart. I couldn't leave my register to clean my hair because it was too busy, so when the new manager came in, he wrote me up for "unkempt appearance." Now my new hire probation period is extended 30 days, and my nickname is "Egghead." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 930

You deserved it 2 581

By BirthdayBoy - 28/03/2015 03:42 - United States - Madison

Today, I was uninvited from my own birthday party. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 925

You deserved it 3 129

Boozehound

By not an alchy - 09/05/2021 19:59

Today, my boyfriend tried to confront me about my “drinking problem”. He claims that the last time he was at my place, I had a full bottle of rum and now it’s gone. He hasn’t spent the night at my house in over two months and it was a half bottle of Malibu. FML

I agree, your life sucks 844

You deserved it 85

Golden child

By Dina - 15/07/2021 14:01

Today, I found out my mother would rather sleep than attend my soccer games, volleyball tournaments, or see me win any awards. However, she was present to see the dog get potty trained, filming the whole thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 898

You deserved it 82

By highschoolnobody - 23/06/2009 02:28 - United States

Today, I was looking through my high school yearbook. I found a picture of myself and a couple of my friends at our senior prom. The caption gave the names of all my friends, their dates who didn't attend our school, and listed me only as "guest." FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 485

You deserved it 2 924

By shook - 06/09/2017 14:00 - United States - Clermont

Today, I crashed into a pole on purpose as a cop pulled me over for speeding. I figured the officer would feel bad for me and that the cost of fixing my car would be less than a ticket. He gave me one anyway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 066

You deserved it 11 737

By Chocolaty - 22/07/2016 00:48 - Australia - Geelong

Today, I spiced things up by lying on the bed and pouring melted white chocolate on myself. I called out to my fiancé to come in. He was 'checking' his favourite scene in Batman vs Superman and couldn't hear me. I was stuck unable to move for ten minutes until he finally heard me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 547

You deserved it 4 388

The truth will out

By Anonymous - 10/06/2021 02:01

Today, after lying to my kid so she doesn’t learn how little her dad cares about her, my current husband, who didn’t know I was doing this, told her everything, such as how the last two times her dad flaked on picking her up was because he was in Vegas gambling, or in jail for hiring hookers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 832

You deserved it 486

By Anonymous - 25/11/2012 18:55 - Europe

Today, my dad went through all the trouble of sneaking onto my laptop and photoshopping a bong into my Facebook profile picture, apparently just so he could win a €20 bet with my mom, that hinged on her grounding me by December. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 629

You deserved it 1 716

By CoCo - 22/11/2008 04:03 - France

Today, my girlfriend came home with new condoms: Manix Endurance containing a numbing gel designed to help me "last longer". FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 075

You deserved it 11 542

By Kerlane - 05/12/2008 03:45 - France

Today, I was sitting on the bus on my commute to work, when I nodded off on the charming young man next to me. Something cold and wet touched me, and I looked down to see a small pool of my saliva collecting on my chest. The man thought this was hilarious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 419

You deserved it 5 267

By Anonymous - 29/03/2009 05:04 - United States

Today, I saw a spider in my bathtub, so instead of killing it, i decided to bring my dog inside the bathroom to kill the spider for me. Turns out that the spider was a black widow, and my dog was bit. The dog killed the spider. The spider killed my dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 90 076

You deserved it 185 346

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BMXDude22 12

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Thursday 3 September 2020 15:06

That's why I haven't answered a phonecall since 2011

RichardPencil 30

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Thursday 3 September 2020 17:07

"The little one just threw up, gotta go, bye!" Problem solved!

Comments

BMXDude22 12

Send a private message

Thursday 3 September 2020 15:06

That's why I haven't answered a phonecall since 2011

RichardPencil 30

Send a private message

Thursday 3 September 2020 17:07

"The little one just threw up, gotta go, bye!" Problem solved!

genuinegoodguy 9

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Thursday 3 September 2020 23:48

You did the right thing to listen and try to help. I’m sure she’s grateful.

Amber Barkdull 5

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Tuesday 8 September 2020 19:16

Sounds like she needed a friend to talk to.

randybryant799 16

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Wednesday 21 July 2021 8:33

Wow. You don't sound very nice. Obviously she needed someone to talk to. It doesn't hurt you to listen.

Nearly

Today I ripped my lovely £50 coat on barbed wire, what I only worn a hand full of times, ended up having to spend £10 to get it repaired, have to wait till Friday to pick it up, it’s only Tuesday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 2

Today, a tech came to repair my cracked phone screen. He told me to remove my case and took it to his van in my driveway to fix it. Thirty minutes later, he rings my doorbell and hands me my phone back. He says he fixed the screen but tripped and dropped it walking back to my house, and completely shattered the back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59

You deserved it 4

Spicy

Today, I spent all day waiting for an unlikely follow up text from the girl from Tinder I let peg me on the first date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 254

You deserved it 686

Today, I swear I'm off men for good after my latest dud date wanted me to pee on his chest to turn him on, and we were only 20 minutes into the first date. The entire male gender are disgusting pigs, no matter how nice they pretend to be. FML

I agree, your life sucks 637

You deserved it 805