By Anonymous - 3/9/2020 14:01

Venmo me

Today, my mother-in-law called to find out how the first week of school went for the kids. She spent most of the call complaining about her husband. I'd like to send her a bill for her trying to use me as a therapist. FML

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Proactive

Healthy relationship

KoBabe

By thanksforthat - 10/8/2009 19:05 - United States

Today, after selling their car, my parents decided to inform me that my car (that I paid for myself) is now going to be the "Family Car". They also informed me that since it is, after all, my car, I'll still have to pay for the gas and maintenance. FML

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By send the army please - 2/5/2016 06:51 - United States - Elizabeth

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend, because her military father, who doesn't like me, continuously threatened my safety for dating her. Now he's threatening to kill me for dumping her. I can't win. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/8/2011 13:38 - United Kingdom

Today, I walked in on my parents discussing how to kill our cat, and how to make it look like an accident. FML

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By Oh man... - 1/8/2017 06:30 - Australia - Perth

Doggy Wants A Bone

Today, I began my ritual of my afternoon wank. As I was about to finish, I noticed my dog staring at me from across the room. We shared a longboard stare as I came, and I can't look him in the eyes the same way. FML

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By racoonface - 19/4/2009 15:17 - United States

Today, it was lovely outside so I decided to tan outside. I burn pretty easily, so I put on sunscreen. I fell asleep on my side, so when I woke up, I had a massive burn on only one side of my body, with sunglass lines. Tomorrow, I have a job interview. I'm going to go in looking like a racoon. FML

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By rissalynn - 15/7/2019 02:00

Today, my boyfriend's mother called me lazy. Her days consist of sitting on her couch watching Fox News. I'm a college athlete who also has a part-time job, yet I'm the lazy one. FML

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By Sadfaic - 23/1/2012 02:59 - United States

Today, my long lost father came to visit me. He got drunk, then tried to beat me up. My neighbor called the police, and as soon as they got there, my father yelled, "Help! This man tried to stab me!" The sad part is, they believed him. FML

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By thwack - 24/5/2012 18:26 - United States

Today, during a workplace safety exercise at work, I managed to cut off the tip of my thumb. FML

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By willtype4food - 10/9/2012 00:45 - Finland

Today, uncertain of having a job next month or being able to pay rent, I'm filling out tens of online surveys a day for gift cards to McDonald's, to buy hamburgers that I can freeze so I will have food for the coming months. FML

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By Ishii - 7/2/2010 18:58 - Canada

Today, I found out that, if timed just right, the alarm function on my phone can be disabled by a text message. And my dad has an impeccable sense of timing. I was 20 minutes late for work. FML

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By Xerfox - 20/6/2016 20:34 - Germany - Neckarsulm

Today, I flew to Germany to meet up with a girl that I met in America 5 months ago and fell in love with. We've been talking every day for 5 months straight. I get here just for her to tell me that she likes me "like a brother". FML

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By 19kwhatever - 9/5/2013 01:22 - United States - Mount Vernon

Today, I told my family I'm going shopping with my friend "Emma". My sister's been teasing me about this saying, "Emma can't exist! She's not real! You don't have any friends." She's right. FML

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By that_culinary_degree_though - 13/5/2014 02:46 - United States - Auburn

Today, my mom invited me over yet again so I could practice my culinary degree by making an exquisite, gourmet meal for her dog; a three year old Pomeranian who pees in my shoes. FML

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By Pizzaguy - 2/8/2012 16:22 - United States - Dundee

Today, I got a call from my manager saying that I won't need to work this weekend. Too bad I already cancelled a family vacation because he threatened to fire me if I didn't work this weekend. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/5/2019 04:00

Today, my wife kicked me out of my own bed to go and sleep on the sofa because the dog was whining, and would only stop if she was allowed to sleep on my side of the bed. My wife would rather sleep with the dog than me. FML

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By adam - 5/12/2015 14:54 - Czech Republic

Today, my dad is having his midlife crisis and bought a mercedes along with a girlfriend less than half his age. I was trying to be supportive until I found out he is funding his midlife crisis with my university loan. FML

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By uhhh what? - 10/4/2012 17:47 - United States - Bellevue

Today, my parents told me that I will grow up to be a criminal, living on the streets, on drugs. All this because I took the last chocolate egg. FML

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By FuckfaceSteve - 1/2/2015 14:59 - United Kingdom - Chester-le-street

Today, the girl I like finally replied to a text I sent a week ago. Her reply was: "Don't ever text me again, fuckface." FML

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By BooBabe - 4/6/2012 23:50 - United States - Denver

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me in a restaurant in front of a lot of people. Once I said yes, some guy yelled out, "SEX. SEX. SEX." My boyfriend yelled back, "LATER!" FML

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By nicegirl08 - 20/1/2009 22:47 - United States

Today, my boyfriend came to visit me for my birthday. Over dinner he handed me a blank card that had the words "I love you" hastily written on it. When the waiter came to take our order he informed him that we'd be paying separately. Happy Birthday. FML

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By Michael - 4/1/2010 08:50 - Australia

Today, my 4 year old daughter was ripping out photos of the family photo book, I asked her why she was doing it she answered, "I saw mummy doing it to another book." The only other family photo book was the day we got married. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/3/2010 14:45 - United States

Today, I had to give a speech but I wasn't prepared. I decided to give it anyway. While giving the speech, I got so nervous I passed out. FML

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By can't eat paper - 11/5/2014 01:34 - United States

Today, after a long day at work, I was starving, so I stopped by the drive-through for something to eat. When I got home and hurriedly opened the bag, all I found inside was napkins. Thanks, McDonald's. FML

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By foxfur - 14/7/2016 12:21 - United States - Williamstown

Today, my drinking habit hit a new low when I waited almost an hour to go to the liquor store after it opened because I didn't want to seem desperate. FML

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By FishStampede - 16/5/2009 12:11 - Korea Republic of

Today, I was visiting a national park and went for a swim. Afterwards, I needed to change clothes but the bathrooms were closed. I went off into the woods to change. As soon as I was naked, I heard hooves and sixteen people on horseback rode by. I'd stripped by a horse trail. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/10/2015 01:32 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, at a family reunion, my grandpa loudly said that I look like "a cheap Vegas whore" because of my heavy purple eye-shadow. I could tell that a few other people agreed. I was too embarrassed to explain that the "eye-shadow" was just dark circles. FML

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By McChunky =( - 9/3/2009 08:25 - United States

Today, I was with my family at a buffet getting dessert. As I had my chocolate cake in hand, I grabbed an extra slice of cheesecake for my mom because I knew she would like a slice. Upon returning to my table, a couple walking behind me commented, "See, that's why Americans are so obese." FML

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By Dakota - 28/9/2017 04:30

Bad Day for a Good Boy

Today, on my way home from work, I went to the car wash. When the spray jets hit the car, my dog jumped out of his crate, into the front seat, and onto a button lowering both back windows. I got both an exterior and interior wash. FML

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By IT_4_Hire - 10/5/2009 20:41 - United States

Today, I received a list of employee names who were losing their jobs and I had to remove them from the system as I work for IT. I was on the list. That's right. My last responsibility as an employee was removing myself from the system for security reasons. FML

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By stupid - 24/12/2018 18:00

Today, after turning in a paper that I worked really hard on, I got it back with a grade of 0. In the feedback section, my professor wrote “In all my 37 years of teaching, this is by far the worst essay I have ever read.” FML

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By shygirl - 20/5/2012 13:13 - United States - Sterling Heights

Today, my sister got married. It was also the day that I was supposed to deliver a heartfelt toast to the happy couple. I got so nervous that I kept stuttering and finally ended with "Congrats Beth and Steve!" Her husband's name is Eric. Her ex was named Steve. FML

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By adam - 15/2/2010 02:16 - United States

Today, I made heart shaped cookies for my girlfriend. My mom's reaction? "They look like dicks." FML

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By vegantreegirl - 4/2/2019 20:00

Today, I was using the restroom at work when my glasses slipped off my face and landed right in the toilet. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/9/2020 11:01 - Hong Kong - Central District

Is that a pass then?

Today, I had a piano exam, for which I'd worked hard. I went in, and the examiner asked me to play some scales. I was so nervous, I played 3 octaves and then realised I'd ran out of space. I might have then said, "FUCK!" really loudly… and she heard. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/12/2018 06:05

Today, I went to the phone store to get a new SIM card. The store manager went on my browser to see if my data was working. Two pages of porn popped up. FML

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By Her - 6/11/2009 20:36 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of two years took me out to breakfast. So we were eating and he kept on staring at me like he was thinking of something really important. I thought he was going to say "I Love You". So I told him to "say it already". Turns out he was thinking of a way to dump me. FML

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By fuzzle003 - 13/6/2012 12:47 - Australia - Canberra

Today, I finally bought the expensive but beautifully stylish dress I've been eyeing for ages online. Ten minutes later, I went back to check the shoes the model was wearing so I could coordinate my outfit. The dress had been reduced to half price. FML

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By BigFoot - 29/7/2009 04:03 - United States

Today, I was trying on some shoes when I felt the heels break underneath me. Not only did they cost two paychecks worth, but as I was leaving I heard the sales girl say that "we really should have a weight limit for who can try on our products." FML

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By ouch - 12/8/2011 20:10 - United States

Today, I was on the bus when a really cute guy came on. The only seat left was the one next to me, so I smiled and waited for him to sit down. He looked at the seat, looked at me, and opted to stand until his stop. FML

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By sad associate - 19/12/2016 01:51 - United States - Bastrop

Today, I swung my arm with a product in my hand, and the product flew out of the packaging and hit an old lady on her head. FML

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Top comments

By BMXDude22 | 11

#7935692 - Thursday 3 September 2020 15:06

That's why I haven't answered a phonecall since 2011

By RichardPencil | 28

#7935708 - Thursday 3 September 2020 17:07

"The little one just threw up, gotta go, bye!"

Problem solved!

COMMENTS

By BMXDude22 | 11

#7935692 - Thursday 3 September 2020 15:06

That's why I haven't answered a phonecall since 2011

By RichardPencil | 28

#7935708 - Thursday 3 September 2020 17:07

"The little one just threw up, gotta go, bye!"

Problem solved!

By genuinegoodguy | 8

#7935760 - Thursday 3 September 2020 23:48

You did the right thing to listen and try to help. I’m sure she’s grateful.

By Amber Barkdull | 5

#7936860 - Tuesday 8 September 2020 19:16

Sounds like she needed a friend to talk to.