By howinthenameofholyfuck?! - 16/7/2020 17:01

Thanks for the miracle

Today, after being diagnosed with breast cancer, enduring months of tortuous chemo, having painful radiation treatments and having had my tubes tied, I realized I’ve become the butt of an incredibly cruel cosmic joke. I got pregnant from the one-night stand I had to celebrate beating cancer. FML

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Whatthefuckaburger

Yappy neighborhood

Hello everyone!

By blegh - 27/12/2011 21:50 - United Kingdom

Today, my 18-year-old son asked me if I was a virgin. I still don't know what to say to him. FML

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By beaten - 13/9/2009 06:17 - United States

Today, my Marine friend got back from his tour of duty overseas. We went out for drinks to celebrate his return. His own form of celebration was to pick a fight with a returning Navy SEAL and his friends. We lost. Badly. FML

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By SterlingEnigma - 25/9/2009 08:43 - United States

Today, I decided to start making healthier decisions. Instead of the usual cheeseburger I have for lunch I ate an apple instead. I took one bite and broke one of my teeth. Apparently, apples keep the doctor away, but not dentists. FML

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By great. - 2/1/2013 18:59

Today, I went on a first date with the guy I really like. During our dinner, he said he needed to go to the bathroom. You guessed it: he didn't come back. FML

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By Unnoticed - 27/7/2017 06:30 - Australia - Thornlie

Today, my colleague introduced herself and said, "I know how nerve-racking first days are!" Which is nice of her, except I've been at this company longer than she has. FML

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By annoyedwithkids - 2/7/2011 05:48 - Canada

Today, I was baby sitting ten year old twins. When they first saw me, they ran away screaming and hid in the closet. This isn't the first house where this has happened. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/1/2011 06:21 - France

Today, I received a text message from my wife who had gone out for the evening with some girlfriends: "Have to take a friend home, she's drunk! I'll be staying at his place. Call you tomorrow morning." His? FML

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By acapelladisaster - 13/3/2015 00:39 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, in my online class I accidentally unmuted my mic. Normally that would be fine except today I decided to serenade myself with a silly song. I didn't realize until everyone started clapping at the end of the song. FML

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By Annie - 22/11/2009 22:07 - Mexico

Today, I noticed that my dog was feeling sad. I let him hop on my bed with me to make him feel better. It worked, right after he vomited all over my face and pillow. FML

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By Ophelia - 22/11/2012 05:44 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, I was so bored with my job at McDonald's that I actually hoped someone would come in and make a huge mess for me to clean. No one did. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/10/2010 00:36 - Australia

Today, I found out my girlfriend only gets aroused after watching Jersey Shore and will only have sex immediately after an episode. I think the worst part is, I'll take what I can get. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/6/2011 11:22 - France

Today, my kitchen is flooded, and according to my landlord, this is normal, because it rained last night. Funny, I thought the purpose of a roof was to stop water from getting in. Guess I was wrong. Silly me. FML

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By liz1234 - 23/3/2009 00:11 - United States

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. His mom called to him from the next room telling him dinner would be ready soon, he needed to move his car, etc. They had a 5 minute conversation...while he was still inside me. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/9/2019 16:00

Dr House

Today, I was trying to ease off a caffeine headache. I ended up getting a Brain Freeze. FML

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By miseventshappen - 9/11/2009 05:49 - United States

Today, I was at the mall, I saw a girl crying that her ice cream had fallen on the floor. Feeling generous, I bought her a new one. She threw it on the ground, laughed, and came over to her mom and told that I was bothering her, so the mom called security. FML

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By "Anti_Sora" - 24/3/2019 18:00

Today, I tried to turn in a final exam online. When I went to check if it had been submitted Blackboard told me it did. My grade told a different story. FML

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By ThatNewCarSmell - 1/10/2014 16:53 - United States - Carlsbad

Today, I held my bag of burger and fries out the window while driving, to preserve that new car smell. Not only did I hit a pothole and lose my lunch, I got pulled over by a cop who suspected I was either littering or tossing drugs when I saw him. FML

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By criley - 24/6/2014 01:56 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, an attractive guy approached me and struck up a conversation. He was friendly and sweet, and gave me his number. As I walked away, my first thought was that someone had played a cruel joke on me. I've had such awful relationships that I can't recognize when someone is actually being sincere. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/9/2010 08:14 - United Kingdom

Today, the guy I like recommended I buy this computer game. Wanting to impress him, I agreed. Turns out it was a joke. I am now the proud owner of Microsoft Train Simulator 2005, and he can't stop laughing. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/8/2016 11:49 - Australia

Today, I found out that one of my colleagues believes that aliens built the pyramids. No amount of logical reasoning or evidence has had any effect on his argument of, "but you can't prove they didn't." FML

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By missko519 - 22/5/2015 07:36 - United States - Broken Arrow

Today, I used a tanning bed for the first time ever, in an attempt to get a base tan for the summer. No one bothered to warn me that you shouldn't go the full ten minutes your first time. Now my skin is as red as my hair. FML

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By Yeah - 24/10/2014 05:02 - United States - El Paso

Today, I got approached by a lady while eating at a fast-food restaurant who asked if I could spare five dollars. Confidently, I pulled out my wallet to show her that I had no cash, only to reveal a perfectly crisp five dollar bill that I had completely forgotten about. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/12/2010 06:57 - United States

Today, I felt like spicing up our marriage, so I thought I'd surprise my husband when he got home from work. I put on my sexiest teddy, lit some candles, and laid on the bed. He walked in the room, looked at me for a second, farted, then asked me what was for dinner. FML

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By walnutbladder - 7/1/2011 21:46 - United States

Today, I realized that every time I hear running water, I have less than a minute to find a toilet or I'll pee my pants. FML

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By tiredInMD - 12/7/2017 18:39 - United States - Pasadena

Today, after retyping a 22-page report for work because the orginal had gone missing, i realized I had used a different laptop the first time. I now have 2 copies of the same report, both of which are late. FML

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By asdfghjkl - 10/2/2010 19:20 - United States

Today, after getting home from school, I realized I'd tucked my shirt into my underwear this morning. I'm fairly certain everyone got a good look at my lime green underwear. FML

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By me - 30/4/2011 04:25 - United States

Today, I was sword fighting in a play when I accidentally hit the other person in the head. He called me a bitch and stormed off stage, leaving me alone with an audience of 50. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/5/2016 19:38 - United States - San Antonio

Today, my soon-to-be mother-in-law decided that she is going to be in charge of planning my wedding. All decisions must be approved by her, and anything she doesn't like will be thrown out. She also wants to go on our honeymoon with us to make sure I don't "defile" her son. FML

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By anonymous - 27/1/2010 20:33 - United States

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend that the reason I don't want to stay overnight at his house is because I still occasionally wet the bed. FML

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By Beestings - 24/3/2013 05:14 - United States

Today, I was complaining to my husband about a busty but vapid celebrity, and he replied, "She doesn't need brains, honey, she has boobs. You wouldn't understand." FML

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By Sadmom - 17/9/2009 23:58 - United States

Today, my 7 year old daughter decided to use my laptop without my permission. She accidentally got SpaghettiOs on the screen, then used the hard side of a sponge, filled with soapy water, to scrub both the keyboard and screen of my laptop to clean it off so Mommy wouldn't know. FML

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By OhWait - 23/10/2015 00:18 - United States - Schenectady

Today, after six weeks of dealing with various exterminators, my roommate and I were about to toast to what we were told was a wasp-free room. That's when we noticed several much smaller wasps flying around. Not only is our wasp problem not solved, but our room is a wasp breeding ground. FML

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By SirDirtyRedD - 25/1/2014 01:03 - Iceland - Reykjav

Today, I found my little brother breathing heavily and asked him what he was doing. He looked at me intensely and said "Breathing in all the oxygen so you can't have any and die." 5ML

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By clairebear104 - 19/9/2014 03:15 - United States - Louisville

Today, I went on a blind date. My date would respond to me by saying "retweet" and "favorite" when she thought something was relatable. FML

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By kissrocks4 - 11/4/2012 07:04 - United States - Sacramento

Today, I got whiplash from sneezing. FML

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By fatcheeks - 2/3/2010 16:58 - United States

Today, I got all four of my wisdom teeth removed. I went to see my boyfriend for comfort because I was in so much pain. The first thing he asked me when I saw him with huge cheeks? When would be the next time I could give him a blowjob. FML

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By HereToLaughAtU - 18/11/2014 04:16 - United States - Des Moines

Today, a customer said the pants she was buying rang up more than advertised. I quietly told her plus-sizes were not on sale. The customer yelled in front of a whole line of people, "So I'm fat and can't read! Any other insults you'd like to throw at me?" and stormed out of the store. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/9/2019 02:01

Dared

Today, I was dared to stand and hold a sign saying, "Free Hugs." This girl I'd never seen before gave me a crushing hug and cried hysterically on my shoulder in the blazing afternoon sun. I couldn't get her off. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/4/2014 19:37

Today, I witnessed my psycho neighbor put her cat in a cage, cross into my backyard, and set the cage down before returning to her house. She then called the cops and claimed I'd stolen her cat. The cops didn't believe my side of the story for a second. FML

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By its_all_legit - 19/3/2009 03:47 - United States

Today, my parents, who are out of town but driving back tomorrow, called to see how I was doing. They asked if I'd thrown a party in their absence, and I said no. My dad replied, "Well I'm currently looking at pictures on Facebook of our kitchen with beer and a bong on the table." FML

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Top comments

By Kurliez408 | 32

#7922686 - Thursday 16 July 2020 17:30

at least you beat cancer!!!!

By RichardPencil | 28

#7922688 - Thursday 16 July 2020 17:36

You got pregnant after having your tubes tied?

That must have been some super sperm!!

COMMENTS

By Kurliez408 | 32

#7922686 - Thursday 16 July 2020 17:30

at least you beat cancer!!!!

By RichardPencil | 28

#7922688 - Thursday 16 July 2020 17:36

You got pregnant after having your tubes tied?

That must have been some super sperm!!

Reply

sarsuela | 22

#7922891 - Friday 17 July 2020 10:37

If it were a vasectomy and a condom then I'd agree with you but this time it's a super egg. However this baby must be on a mission if it is this determined to come to this world.

By Tabby Rosas | 5

#7922701 - Thursday 16 July 2020 19:13

so chemo and radiation that sterilize you and tubes tied and you got pregnant??? might want to contact medical journals because that isn't possible

Reply

Tiffani Carter | 6

#7923996 - Monday 20 July 2020 22:46

Chemo and radiation don’t “sterilize you”. My mom had cancer as a teenager and went through radiation and went on to have 2 kids.

By bloopaloop | 27

#7922719 - Thursday 16 July 2020 19:51

That’s one hell of a day!

By RichardPencil | 28

#7922796 - Friday 17 July 2020 0:11

Sounds like cancer didn't appreciate you going around gloating. It's a sore loser!

By TheSentinel05 | 6

#7922803 - Friday 17 July 2020 1:42

Congrats on beating cancer! But how did you get pregnant if your tubes were tied?

By Andrea Remer | 6

#7922806 - Friday 17 July 2020 2:35

honestly I know lots of women who have gotten pregnant after tubes tied but im shocked to hear about pregnancy after chemo&radiation because they usually make you sterile:( congrats on beating cancer though

By tounces7 | 26

#7922823 - Friday 17 July 2020 4:43

Are you sure it's yours? :D

By ekk100 | 6

#7922925 - Friday 17 July 2020 14:23

Please get yourself checked ASAP, there are certain types of uterine and endometrial cancers that can mimic pregnancy, including positive pregnancy tests.

By LPS8585 | 26

#7922950 - Friday 17 July 2020 16:36

I actually know someone that had breast cancer 14 years ago and now has a beautiful 13 year old. She had chemo and radiation. She calls her her miracle baby. It can happen.