Health and Cancer: Deez Nuts - FML

Deez Nuts

By ALittleLighter - 14/09/2021 05:00

Today, I finally lost some weight. Unfortunately, that's only because I had a testicle removed due to cancer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 082

You deserved it 75

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Same thing different taste

By Anonymous - 20/09/2011 23:54 - United States

Today, I found out that I have testicular cancer for the second time in two years, and they may end up removing my last testicle. Knowing full well I was also born with an extra rib, the doctor at the consultation joked, "Hey, you'll be three quarters of the way to being a woman." FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 210

You deserved it 2 697

By Anonymous - 11/08/2018 01:30

Today, I didn't see the cat in the bathroom before I took my pants down, and the beast tore open my ballsack. The doctor says I might lose my left testicle, depending on how the surgery goes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 851

You deserved it 356

By Anonymous - 10/02/2012 16:12 - United States

Today, I noticed that I have gained enough weight to give me back boobs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 814

You deserved it 34 696

By neveragain - 12/02/2016 19:10 - United Kingdom - Byfleet

Today, I ended up in the ER because I ruptured a testicle by accidentally sitting on it. Last time I ever go commando. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 593

You deserved it 4 651

By BX - 17/10/2015 12:09 - Netherlands

Today, I found out the hard way that if you spontaneously begin to lose weight, you may have cancer, not an increased metabolism. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 089

You deserved it 1 813

Heavy

By Anonymous - 10/10/2011 08:29 - Reserved

Today, I walked in on my flatmate squatting over the bathroom scales, completely naked. When I asked what he was doing, he replied very seriously, "Weighing my testicles… you should try it sometime, if they're too heavy you may have cancer." I'm a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 586

You deserved it 3 016

Unusual diagnosis method

By Anonymous - 08/08/2022 16:00

Today, after my brother punched me in the balls a few weeks ago, and while I was clutching myself in pain I actually felt a hard lump on the right testicle, I got the results: it’s cancer but survivable if they remove the testicle. I had to thank my brother for saving me by punching me in the balls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 195

You deserved it 129

By this sucks - 05/08/2013 04:00 - United States - El Paso

Today, after gaining all the weight back that I had lost after my first marriage, I realized that the only thing that fits me now is my wedding ring. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 115

You deserved it 9 825

By yawho - 25/02/2009 07:25 - Japan

Today, a customer that I've been waiting on for years came into the restaurant after a long absence. I said to him, "Hey man, it looks like you lost a lot of weight! How'd you do it?" He replied, "I got cancer." FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 382

You deserved it 9 863

Yoyo

By jetpack girl - 22/02/2023 22:00

Today, after months of grueling hard work, I'd finally gained five pounds. Too bad I lost it all and then some, due to one good stomach flu. FML

I agree, your life sucks 703

You deserved it 103

Next

Top comments

sarsuela 29

Tuesday 14 September 2021 20:29

I hope you got rid of cancer and I'm glad you haven't lost your humour.

DarkJester200278 1

Wednesday 15 September 2021 3:05

I lost one of mine due to infection, yet instead of removing it, they let it atrophy. Which kinda sucks, as I wanted to preserve it, make a bet with people that I could make my testicles go from one corner of the room to the other.

Comments

RichardPencil 30

Tuesday 14 September 2021 5:10

That's a nutty way to lose weight!

sarsuela 29

Tuesday 14 September 2021 20:29

I hope you got rid of cancer and I'm glad you haven't lost your humour.

Wadlaen 23

Tuesday 14 September 2021 22:59

I'm sorry for your loss, and hope you are now cancer-free! But hey, Hitler only had one ********, and he turned out fine, so hopefully you will manage to live a good life with only half of them.

DarkJester200278 1

Wednesday 15 September 2021 3:05

I lost one of mine due to infection, yet instead of removing it, they let it atrophy. Which kinda sucks, as I wanted to preserve it, make a bet with people that I could make my testicles go from one corner of the room to the other.

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The Top

Today, I learned the meaning behind the phrase, "Love you long time". It's from the movie Full Metal Jacket, when a hooker comes in and says, "Me so horny, me love you long time." I've been saying this to my parents and people at school, having no idea what it really means for over 2 weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 784

You deserved it 22 714

Today, my girlfriend went on a date with her mechanic. She said it was to get discounts when she goes in for maintenance. Not only does she not see a problem with it, but she's probably getting discounts on other services too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 738

You deserved it 5 265

The Top

Today, I got pushed around by several suspicious mothers in a playground. I just wanted to sit down and rest my feet while I waited for my wife to finish her shopping across the street. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 638

You deserved it 182

Today, my girlfriend got the brilliant idea of trying out a sex tip dreamed up by one of the glorified trolls at Cosmo. I think my balls are broken beyond repair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 742

You deserved it 7 201

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, as he'd realised that life is really short, and he's got to enjoy with his friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 738

You deserved it 196

Today, my mom called me into the living room to say that she had something important to tell me. She then explained how she and my dad had "talked things over" and wanted me to know that they accept me and love me no matter what. Apparently my mom thinks I'm lesbian. I'm not. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 146

You deserved it 3 213

Today, I saw my reflection in the computer screen and I thought I looked quite nice. I tried to take a screenshot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 866

You deserved it 31 388

Today, me and my boyfriend were just about to have sex and I was so excited to do it just like the movies. He carried me up and just as he was about to lay me on the bed he sneezed, dropping me at the same time. I hit my head. Now I have 12 stitches where my eyebrow used to be. FML

I agree, your life sucks 86 060

You deserved it 8 207