By Anonymous - 23/1/2021 02:01 - Germany - Ebersbach

OCD

Today, the room I am renting from an old lady is stuffed with porcelain figures, etc. I carefully put them into the drawers to create some space for the books I need for college. While I was gone, she used her key and put all the porcelain figures back on the shelves. FML

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Home improvement

The smell detective is on the case

Instadrama

Walk on the wild side

By fiercehawk - United States - Fort Wayne

Today, I went on a blind date. At the end of the night, I told him I had a surprisingly great time. He replied, "Yeah, that was fun. You're really funny and smart. If you were pretty, I'd totally go out with you again." FML

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By pinks - United States

Today, when my son woke up from his nap, he sleepily reached up. I picked him up and gave him a big hug, and he immediately pushed me away. He wasn't reaching for me, he was reaching for the bag of chips on the table next to me. FML

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By Anonycock - Qatar - Doha

Today, I'm so sexually deprived, I got a boner from undressing a mannequin at work. FML

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By Vee - United States

Beast Mode

Today, my 80lb black lab decided that the moment I start doing pushups is her cue to mount me. FML

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By Deadfish - United States

Today, I was walking to the pet store to buy a month's worth of fish food for my fish so I wouldn't have to come back for a while. For fish food it was expensive. It was also surprisingly heavy and I had to carry it back to my house. When I got home, I saw my fish floating at the top of its bowl. FML

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By ouchbrow - United Kingdom

Today, I went to get my hair done. The hairdresser managed to catch my eyebrow piercing in his comb and almost rip it out. I now look like I have a gunshot wound on the upper right hand side of my face. I'm getting married in a matter of hours, and I still had to pay £100 for the hair cut. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - North Vancouver

Today, I was told at my babysitting job that I can't bring my toddler with me. My employer is my best friend. Now I have to find a babysitter for my kid if I want to babysit hers. FML

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By Anonymous - Belgium - Ieper

No kinkshaming on FML

Today, I had my first wet dream. I woke up sweating and soaking wet. Too bad I dreamed about having intense sex with a cardboard box. FML

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By luckygirl - Croatia - Zagreb

Today, I gave my virginity to my boyfriend. All I got in return was rug burn and an infection. FML

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By miss_peppermint

Today, my dog of 10 years died suddenly. My husband’s response? “At least you don’t have to buy dog food anymore". FML

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By Ladycakes - United States - Altamonte Springs

Today, while in bed, I tried to explain how overworked and unappreciated I feel doing all the housework to my fiancé. It was only when I'd finished my long rant that I realized he had been asleep almost the whole time. FML

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By firedupasshole - 27/7/2020 05:01

Make your mind up

Today, while taking to-go orders at my restaurant, a customer called saying he wanted his food well done. He even said, “Burn it to a crisp.” Which is what I told the kitchen. When he came to pick it up, he opened his food, inspected it and screamed, “Not this burned, you damn retard!” and threw it at me. FML

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By mattlikesfunions - United States - Federal Way

Today, I told my parents that I was going on a diet to lose weight and I wanted their support. They brought home donuts and pizza for dinner. FML

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By sad - United States

Today, I found out that the girl who my high school boyfriend cheated on me with is now the woman my husband is having an affair with. FML

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By preggo - United States

Today, someone asked when my baby was due. I'm not pregnant, but I was so embarrassed to be mistaken for a pregnant lady that I rubbed my tummy and said "December." FML

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By guest - Canada

Today, I moved into a lovely basement suite. Unfortunately, the 12 year old upstairs plays violin. She also plays baritone. She said she alternates each day. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went jet skiing with my girlfriend of four years. I intended to propose to her. The $2000 ring fell out of my pocket and into the lake. I have no idea where it is. FML

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By SleepyKirsty - United Kingdom

Today, I found out just how thin the walls at my new student flat are. They are so thin in fact, that I can hear the creepy guy next door say my full name over and over again very slowly whilst masturbating rigorously. FML

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By MrZhang - Australia

Today, I had an interview with IBM. For a week I did extensive research and preparation for the interview. At first the interview was going really well. I was hitting all the marks. Then just as a final casual question she asked with a smile "What does IBM stand for?". I didn't know. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Thunder Bay

Today, while at work, my ex-boyfriend came in. I pretended not to see him, hoping he would just pass on by. No such luck. He stopped to tell me that he was there for orientation. My company hired him. FML

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By Joanna

Today, during sex I said my side dick's name instead of my boyfriend. He isn't speaking to me now. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my best friend and my ex-boyfriend went on a business trip, got drunk, and ended up sleeping together. Now they want to start dating. FML

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By Willow McGarrigle - 4/6/2020 23:00

Manipulation

Today, my ex, who I only dated for 3 months, told me the only reason why he dated me was because he thought my sister was hot, and he just wanted to get closer to her. So thank you for that. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I got a new cell phone. I was texting pictures from my old phone to my new one, including several dirty ones, when I noticed I wasn't receiving any of them on the new phone. I was texting the wrong number. FML

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By failureparent - United States

Today, in an attempt to get my son to stop playing Call of Duty, I threw his Xbox controller out the window. He was so desperate, he followed it. His bedroom is on the second floor. My son has 3 broken ribs, and no future. FML

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By shay786 - 5/5/2020 17:00

My eyes!

Today, I heard grunting and then realized it was my tenant with his boyfriend. When I went down to do my laundry, I caught them in the act. FML

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By queen_lol - United States

Today, I was at a party at my boyfriend's house. As I was walking past him, he pulled me onto his lap and started introducing me to a childhood friend. I sneezed and accidently peed on him. I'm 6 months pregnant and can't control my bladder. FML

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By Anonymous

"shortcomings"

Today, my girlfriend and I lost our virginity to each other, or so I thought. I heard her on the phone with her sister saying that I’m definitely the smallest dick she’s ever had, but the size of my bank account encourages her to overlook my shortcomings. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Demopolis

Today, my dad made the local news. The business he owns is so run down and overgrown that it's officially a public health hazard. FML

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By flipraff101 - Australia

Today, I was at home and my boyfriend called me and said that I'd left my G-string at his house. I only have one G-string and I was wearing it. FML

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By Danny - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, I was renovating the house, and my girlfriend asked, "Do you use electrical tape on electrical stuff?" Not knowing where she was going with this, I just gave her a puzzled look. She continued by saying, "Because it's not like people use duct tape on ducks." FML

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By anon - United States

Today, I got my first tattoo. It was a surprise for my fiancé: our names together over a heart. I went home but before I could show him, he said we had to have a 'talk.' Now my ex's name is tattooed on my back. The kicker? Turns out I'm allergic to the ink. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Sydney

Today, my dad was fixing my wardrobe and pushed too hard, causing stuff to fall from the top shelves. I saw it happen with my own eyes, but he's dead-set convinced that it was some kind of poltergeist fucking with him, and now he doesn't want me to go in my room. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Imperial

Today, I couldn't find my vibrator. After searching for an hour I decided to ask my husband. He quickly shook his head no. We've been married for ten years. I know when he's lying. FML

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By cold-n-stinky - United States

Today, I was spooning with my wife when I said, "It's cold tonight." Previously when I used that line, my wife would respond by saying, "I know how to warm you up" and we would make love. Tonight, she said "I know how to warm you up" and farted on me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke 2 hours before my alarm was supposed to go off, feeling incredibly sick. I then ran downstairs and had diarrhea while I threw up. I spent Valentine's Day having diarrhea every time I coughed or sneezed. FML

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By joecool3426 - United States

Today, I got a ticket for speeding in a school zone. The school hasn't even been built yet. FML

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By BadMurderer - Mexico

Today, my little 7 and 6 year old cousins came visit my family home. I heard the oldest one say that my sister was nice and pretty. Then the youngest replied "Yeah, but the older one has the face of a murderer." FML

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By SillyScotsman - United Kingdom - Hamilton

Today, I was eating an ice cream cone, when I felt something drop onto my bottom lip. Assuming it was a piece of ice cream, I quickly pulled it into my mouth. After a sharp sting to my tongue, I spat it out. It was a bee. FML

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By DormHater - United States

Today, I helped move my current boyfriend into his new dorm room. This would've been fine if I didn't have to do this while avoiding eye contact with my ex-boyfriend, who just happens to be my boyfriend's new roommate. FML

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Top comments

By Jon Tessler | 5

#7966516 - Saturday 23 January 2021 2:17

if you are renting the room, she has no business going into the room. you should box up all the porcelain, and say to her "here you go, I need the room for my books". Also you are no longer allowed in the room without my permission

By Rodville | 28

#7966523 - Saturday 23 January 2021 3:36

Sounds like there is a hidden recording device in one of the dolls.

COMMENTS

By Jon Tessler | 5

#7966516 - Saturday 23 January 2021 2:17

if you are renting the room, she has no business going into the room. you should box up all the porcelain, and say to her "here you go, I need the room for my books". Also you are no longer allowed in the room without my permission

By Rodville | 28

#7966523 - Saturday 23 January 2021 3:36

Sounds like there is a hidden recording device in one of the dolls.

By RichardPencil | 29

#7966537 - Saturday 23 January 2021 7:13

And what happened to your books?

Did she stand the figurines on top of them? That would be funny!

Reply

Jillian Cosby-Kelly | 15

#7966694 - Saturday 23 January 2021 20:20

I wondered this too 😂

By mccuish | 18

#7966550 - Saturday 23 January 2021 8:40

I’ve seen enough shows to that there’s probably a hidden camera in one of them.

By flagbitch | 7

#7966710 - Saturday 23 January 2021 22:01

Granny's pattern of entering your room is key to her becoming a jailbird. Don't allow her to disrespect your privacy.

By Ben Richardson | 3

#7966762 - Sunday 24 January 2021 3:22

Whats to say the dolls aren't putting themselves back?