By not my idea - 27/4/2020 20:00

Not now, mom

Today, my mom learned via Facebook that my ex is now divorced. She took this as a "sign from God" that he’s my soulmate, and took it upon herself to try to set us up. Not only have I not talked to this fool since we broke up in high school, I’m not sure who’s more pissed off, me or my husband. FML

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Late term

Alexa, play "Cannonball" by The Breeders

Do as I say, not as I do

By TodX - France

Today, I used my Christmas holiday time to open up a load of old letters. There were a lot of bills, of course, but there was also a note telling me that I'm due for a tax inspection. Merry F*ing Christmas! FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was visiting my grandmother's house. She keeps the thermostat on 85 and after about 30 minutes I explained to her "I'm going to have to leave, it's just too hot in here". She replied: "You think it's hot in here, wait until you get to hell." I laughed. She didn't. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lowell

Today, I caught my boyfriend stealing money from my purse. He tried to turn it on me by claiming I'll owe him for the flowers he'll get me on Valentine's Day, then tried to make me feel guilty by saying the whole thing is for "selfish bitches anyway". FML

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By vikingunicorn - Canada

Today, I was feeling very ill after a severe anxiety attack. I asked my boyfriend to hold my hand until I fell asleep. He said he couldn't because he needed both hands to play on his gameboy. FML

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By InsomniacToBe - United States - Saint George

Today, I had a dream that my ex-boyfriend had become a vicious serial killer and was hunting me down because I broke up with him. I don't know what scares me more: the way he hunted me in my sleep, or the fact that it wouldn't surprise me if it actually happened. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my wife named our son after her ex boyfriend. FML

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By peestain - United Kingdom

Today, I babysat my neighbour's spoilt bratty twins. When I told them it was their bed time, they pushed me over. One then started smashing me with a plastic sword, and as I lay helpless on the floor the other one peed on me. I got owned by two five year olds. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/1/2021 17:01

Can't compete

Today, my husband told me, "Your job is easy! You do nothing but play and have fun with children all day." Mind you, I'm a toddler teacher and have 10 children in a day. When I come home from work, he complains he’s tired because he was watching our only child who's a toddler. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I got home after a night of drinking with my coworker. We hooked up, but he was so drunk he had to use a flashlight to put it in. Then, he ran out of the room to throw up. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I now have been dumped by 4 serious girlfriends in the last 5 years, each of them for the same reason: Being with me would have meant dealing with my mother who, without fail, asked each of them when we planned on marrying and having kids, every single week. FML

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By Thatgirl

Today, my grandfather told me I could bring a date to my cousin’s wedding. I said I didn't have anyone to bring. He replied, “That's the saddest thing I've heard all day.” He’s 98. FML

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By mojolady

Today, lice were found in my hair. At the hair salon. I'm now banned from that salon. FML

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By Rohirus - Sweden

Today, during the early hours, I got hungry and went to grab something to eat. I entered the kitchen, only to see my stark-naked dad sitting at the table, eating cereal and reading the paper. He just nodded at me and said, "Son." I think I need a new pair of eyes. FML

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By 117halo12345 - United States - Sedgewickville

Today, I was showing my 4 year old some of my fire magic tricks. I ended up getting 2nd degree burns on my left hand and burnt off half of her hair. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lihue

Today, my boyfriend told me I'm beautiful. Before I could thank him, he continued, "Too bad it takes a shit-load of makeup." FML

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By shaifox96 - Canada - Saint Catharines

Today, I received a terrible grade for an essay I worked really hard on. I had two friends, one being an English major, check it over. However, apparently I "clearly didn't use spellcheck" on this essay just like the last one I submitted to her. FML

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By seriously - United States - Goshen

Today, I was being interviewed for an amazing job when I was asked what animal I would describe myself as. Trying to be prompt, I picked the first thing that came to me. I responded with, "I'd be a turtle because I'm really slow sometimes." FML

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By duckyou

What the Duck?

Today, on the way to class, I got distracted while watching some ducks and walked face- first into a concrete pole. I ended up with a black eye and three stitches. Even the nurse laughed. FML

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By soontobedivorced - United States

Today, I found out that I'm pregnant. My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for a while, and I was very excited to tell him the news. When I opened his office planning to surprise him with the news, I saw him making out with a man. FML

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By stupidprankster - United States

Today, I thought it would be funny to scare my dad for once, since he has scared me for fun dozens of times. It would have been funny, had he not punched me in the face. FML

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By SouthPaw - United States - Baton Rouge

Today, I confronted my wife because I thought the many hours a day she spends at a local coffee shop were so she could smoke. Turns out she's cheating on me. FML

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By justagirl - United States - Roseville

Today, while in bed with my boyfriend of 2 years, he mentioned what it would be like if he had sex with anyone other than me. I mentioned the same about him. He quickly yelled, "No, you're a woman. You are mine!" FML

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By Anonymous - France

Today, I was quietly admiring my boyfriend from outside the kitchen as he made us dinner, only to witness him drop a load of spaghetti on the floor, swear, then scoop it all up and place it back on the plate. FML

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By x.x - United States - Tampa

Today, I was taking a shower when the soap began to burn my eyes worse than they've ever burned before. I quickly grabbed whatever cloth I could find to rub my eyes with. My dad's old underwear was the last thing I would expect to find lying near the tub. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Danville

Today, working night shift at a nursing home, I can tell the difference between the smell of different people's urine. FML

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By megomania - United States

Today, I was so sick that I was puking and had the runs. While on the toilet, I yelled for my boyfriend to get me a bowl to puke in. As I did so, I saw that a ton of it was forming on the floor in dots. My boyfriend had given me a spaghetti strainer. FML

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By ... - United States

Today, my pissed off girlfriend used window marker to write racist comments on my car window. This would include: nazi symbols, white power, and a few others I won't mention. I live in a predominately black neighborhood. FML

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By trees - United States - Waupaca

Today, I watched one of my neighbor's trees fall into the electrical lines outside my house. This was after he took a chainsaw to the tree. He refuses to cover the damages. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/11/2020 19:57 - Canada - Ottawa

Bullshit reason #874

Today, my girlfriend dumped me because, she says, I have diabetes and she can’t handle the complications that may occur in the future. This after I arranged for her to take trip to Italy to ride horses, which has been on her bucket list for like 10 years. FML

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By goddamitme - United States

Today, My girlfriend came from behind me and put her hand in my back pockets. I though it was someone trying to take my wallet, I elbowed her in the nose and broke it. FML

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By mushroomtop

Today, I woke up extremely hung over on a friend's couch after a night of heavy drinking and partying. To my horror, I discovered that, in my drunken state, I'd allowed said friend's six-year-old daughter to trim my hair. I now have a bowl cut. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Akron

Today, my mom got drunk and started crying, ranting about all the things she could have done in life if I hadn't been born. FML

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By Oldhouse - United States - Hacienda Heights

Today, I discovered that the odd creaking noise I hear when I walk down the stairs is actually a crack that had been getting larger over the years. I found out when I fell through and plummeted to the stairs below. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/12/2020 16:57

Friend request

Today, I saw a man begging for change downtown. I offered to buy him a meal, just to help him out with food. He said, "Sure, does Friday work?" I told him that I didn't mean it like that. Three hours later, he found me on Facebook. FML

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By ForeverAlone - United States - Watertown

Today, before work, I was quickly cleaning when I tripped and the side of my neck hit the countertop, causing a dark bruise. During work, people wouldn't stop giving me high fives for getting laid and I was too embarrassed to tell them truth that I'm not desirable, just clumsy. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while walking home from work, a young teenage girl ran up behind me and dumped a carton of milk on my head. She said, "The cow master baptizes you!" and then ran in the opposite direction, cackling madly. FML

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By burnswhenipee - Canada - London

Today, I had to get stitches in my vagina due to an unfortunate mishap while climbing a fence. FML

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By Mel - France - Toulouse

Today, I went to a group gym lesson. While working on our abs, the coach came through, touching our stomachs to check we were doing the exercises correctly. When he got to me, he asked, "How many kids have you got then?" I'm 22, and I've got none. FML

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By Nightshade823 - United States

Today, I finally lost my virginity. I also found out the side effects of my antidepressants: It's hard for me to get it up, and I can't orgasm. When I finally got it up, I went so long, it ended with her saying, "Yeah, you should stop now, I'm numb." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I decided to play a joke on my boyfriend and planned to pretend that I found a thong in his gym bag. When he came home, I "confronted" him. After struggling through putting on my best face, he, unexpectedly confessed: "Look, babe, I'm sorry. It meant nothing." FML

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Top comments

By mekiswrite | 19

#7901292 - Monday 27 April 2020 20:15

I suggest putting your marriage certificate in a spot well hidden from your mother. Just in case.

By RichardPencil | 29

#7901289 - Monday 27 April 2020 20:11

I'm guessing the most pissed off person in this scenario is the ex. God told him to dump his wife to take his shot with you and you won't return his calls!

Don't try to block divine intervention! That's why we have coronavirus.

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 29

#7901289 - Monday 27 April 2020 20:11

I'm guessing the most pissed off person in this scenario is the ex. God told him to dump his wife to take his shot with you and you won't return his calls!

Don't try to block divine intervention! That's why we have coronavirus.

By mekiswrite | 19

#7901292 - Monday 27 April 2020 20:15

I suggest putting your marriage certificate in a spot well hidden from your mother. Just in case.

Reply

samomaha | 17

#7901318 - Monday 27 April 2020 21:36

Perhaps, at same time, make a copy of the wedding certificate, frame it, and give it to your mother.

By tounces7 | 27

#7901391 - Tuesday 28 April 2020 5:44

So clearly your mom is way overbearing and pushes herself into your life far more than she should.

Maybe it's time to make her an "ex" too.

By TheGestalt97 | 11

#7901778 - Wednesday 29 April 2020 6:46

I hope you mean your husband is pissed at your mom, not you. You did nothing!

By DogStew | 19

#7904249 - Thursday 7 May 2020 17:49

It’s time to set boundaries with Mom. She sternly needs to know that attempting to break up your current marriage will not be tolerated. If she can’t respect that, then limited or no contact with you and her will be enforced. I’m sorry for your situation; it shouldn’t be that way. I have to disown my parents and 5 siblings because they can’t respect my boundaries.