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Not mine!

Today, my girlfriend wished me a happy birthday. Too bad my birthday isn't for 5 months. She mixed up my birthday with the guy she's been cheating on me with. FML

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Understandable

Messed up

OCD FML

By unlovedandunfucked - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I woke up from a wet dream. My girlfriend quickly figured it out and bitched me out for having one when she was "right there" for me to ask for sex. Logic failure aside, the last time I flirted with her, she called me a sex-obsessed pig and didn't talk to me for three days. FML

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By Tor - United States

Today, I was in class and felt a sharp pain in my stomach. I began to scream and cry because the pain was horrible, so the teacher called 911. After being rushed to the hospital, I was told that "I had gas cramps and would be fine." My whole class was listening on speakerphone to make sure I was ok. FML

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By anonymous - Australia

Today, my boyfriend and I were arguing about how he was too busy for me. During that conversation, he was texting his best friend and then called by his brother to drive him home. Instead of returning to finish our conversation, he left to prepare for his fishing trip with his mates tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, school tuition has taken up so much of my paycheck that the only thing I had to eat for dinner was applesauce. FML

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By FangirlMess6 - United States

Today, I saw a man stuck in his car door by his jacket. I ran over to help him, and his wife hit me with her purse. FML

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By screw life - United States

Today, my brother saw my side when my shirt came up, and asked when I got a tattoo; the pink he saw was in fact my stretch marks. Worst of all, I had to show them to everyone to prove I didn't actually get a tattoo. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Ottawa

Today, while cleaning my desk I found a stray gumball. I quickly popped it into my mouth only to discover with horror that it was a paintball. FML

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By sadinseattle - United States

Today, I was driving on the freeway when I get a call from my friend explaining that our two best friends died in a car accident. I pulled over in hysterics and a cop came to see what was wrong. I explained what happened and he gave me a ticket for talking on the phone while driving. FML

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By megan - United States - Lutz

Today, it's April Fool's day. I had to take a CPR class, and everything was going well. We took a break and I went to get a drink of water and started choking. They thought I was making fun of the class, and made me leave. FML

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By DomesticPatrol - United Kingdom - London

Today, I just patrolled my entire house with a fucking hammer and flashlight because my cat stepped on a fucking creaky floorboard. It's 2 a.m. FML

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By NeedTea - United States

Today i stopped at Starbucks to get a tea before work and was surprised that there wasn't a line. As i was leaving the automatic door closed knocking my out of my hand. I headed back in only to discover a huge line had formed and they made me pay for the replacement that their door spilled. FML

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By 42 - Canada

Today, my parents told me that I was born to entertain my brother. I have found the meaning of life. FML

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By BW - United States

Today, I woke up on the coldest morning of the year to discover that the gas fireplace has run out of propane, and there is no water because the pipes are frozen. While trying to locate the frozen pipe, I forgot to let the dog out, and she peed on the carpet. FML

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By EastOneTen - United States

Today, my four roommates and I contracted lice. While all our heads were slathered in mayonnaise and saran wrap, our building's fire alarm went off. FML

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By Cantunsee

Today, I found out just how close my boyfriend has been getting to our new neighbour's teenage son. I came home from work to find them on my bed and my "straight" boyfriend head down ass up. FML

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By slightlyworried - United States - Parker

Today, I woke up from a nightmare that I've been having for a couple of weeks. In the nightmare I'm shot four times in the back by none other than my mother. I'm getting worried. FML

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By Payte

Today, I was talking to a guy on the phone. I told him I'd be right back. I thought I'd put him on mute. Turns out he heard everything as I took the biggest dump I've ever taken. We haven't talked since. FML

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By bummed - United States - Cresson

Today, after years of waiting, I finally got to meet the band whose music got me through one of the hardest times I have ever experienced. When I turned down the lead singer for sex, they told me to leave. FML

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By alie - United States

Today, I wore a cute new striped shirt to work. One of my co-workers said to me "I like your shirt. Most fat people don't look good in horizontals." FML

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By crushed - 10/3/2021 14:00

Thanks little buddy

Today, I was in the middle of my workout when my cat meowed so loudly, it startled me into dropping a 50-pound weight onto my foot. FML

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By chickennoodlesoup - Canada

Today, I made chicken noodle soup for the girl I've been seeing to help her get over her cold. From scratch. Everything fresh save for the canned chicken stock. It took an hour in preparation and half an hour to take the bus to her place. Her first words? The celery's not cooked enough. FML

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By slapstick1982 - United States - Ashford

Today, I caught my wife flicking a booger off her finger. I asked her why she was doing that and she said, "Because if I can't see where it lands, it disappears and is not gross". It landed on my arm. I saw where it landed, it did not disappear, and yes it is gross. FML

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By anon - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I sent my long-distance boyfriend a heartfelt message about how much I missed him. He sent me back a picture of a Minion. FML

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By BassGuy - United States

Today, I went onto my band's MySpace just to check if we had any new comments or anything like that and I noticed that I was listed as a past member. Nobody ever told me I was replaced. FML

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By sadman - United States

Today, it's my three month anniversary with my girlfriend and so I decided to bake her a cake from scratch. It took me three hours, a call to my mom, three different recipe books, and half my pantry. On the way to her house, I stopped to pick up flowers and left the cake in the car. It melted. FML

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By Craptastic

Today, at physical therapy, I felt that all-too-familiar gurgle in my gut, but I thought it would a light, silent fart. I squatted for an exercise and shit my pants in front of the cute, single, male physical therapist. He definitely noticed. I still had 30 minutes left in the session. FML

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By megs

Today, I was promoted. After going to school for 10 months to get certified for the new position, training extensively, and taking on a ton more responsibility, I was hoping for a decent raise. How much do my bosses think all of that time and effort is worth? One dollar more per hour than I made before. FML

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By AML - United States - Brooklyn

Today, my 19-year-old, long-distance boyfriend told me he wouldn't be able to text me all day because it's too hard to type while in his Spider-Man suit. It's non-negotiable. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/7/2020 05:02

The urge

Today, I realised why I’m so irritable these days. My former flatmate smoked so many cigarettes that, now he’s moved out and taken the smoke with him, I’m going through nicotine withdrawal. I realised this after I saw cigarettes in a shop and couldn’t stop staring at them. FML

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By O0hdear - United States - Humble

Today, I went to my fiance's cousin's wedding with him. I got drunk and danced like a stripper in front of his entire extended family, who I'd just met that day. FML

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By Not Wanted - United Kingdom - London

Today, I'm moving out of the house. My little sister can't wait and I've never seen my dad so happy. FML

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By buttpain

Today, being a snow day, I decided to take a nice nap before resuming cleaning my room. Changed back into pajamas, climbed into bed, and found that one of the cats peed on my sheets. I've made negative progress, and had my underwear soaked in someone else's cold urine. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I turned 23. I had asked my mom for some things to decorate my new place. As I opened the box to reveal my gift, a mirror was inside. I liked the mirror. I did not like the note attached that said "Look inside the mirror to see who is now 100% financially responsible for themselves." FML

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By pmony - United States

Today, I got stuck in a revolving door. FML

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By richard - United States - Redmond

Today, fed up with my nerdy appearance, I got my hair shaved off, hoping for a Walter White kind of look. I didn't think it was too bad, but not even an hour later, I'd already been called a "fat Bruce Willis" and compared to a freshly circumcised penis. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I updated an e-mail I've saved to drafts and have been updating every day for the last few months to a girl I really adore. In this letter, I told her everything I ever kept from her. Instead of saving it to drafts again, I accidentally sent it. And she's online. FML

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By CosmicJoke - United States

Today, I found my car had been robbed. The thieves stole my GPS, my iPod and my digital camera. While I was filing the police report, the officer recommended I take photos for insurance purposes. Then she remembered my camera had been stolen. She actually started laughing. FML

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By notatherapist - Netherlands - Huizen

Went a bit too far, Sigmund

Today, my boyfriend and I were roleplaying therapist and patient in bed. When I playfully asked him what bothered him, he told me his mother hates him and burst into tears. FML

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By notout

Today, my 28-year-old brother screamed at me and outed me to our very religious, homophobic parents because I wouldn't let him shock his friend with an electric dog collar. FML

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By cmac1229 - United States

Today, I was at a gas station and I went to the bathroom. Thinking some was already in the bathroom, I waited for ten minutes while people lined up behind me only to find out that it was empty. FML

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Top comments

By timinator5000 | 28

#7868856 - Saturday 21 December 2019 20:09

Try to get birthday sex anyways

By tounces7 | 27

#7868913 - Sunday 22 December 2019 5:58

And the STD he gets will be like 2 gifts in 1.

COMMENTS

By timinator5000 | 28

#7868856 - Saturday 21 December 2019 20:09

Try to get birthday sex anyways

Reply

tounces7 | 27

#7868913 - Sunday 22 December 2019 5:58

And the STD he gets will be like 2 gifts in 1.

By Iamthebanzai22 | 18

#7869088 - Monday 23 December 2019 6:12

So you know she is cheating but you don't have the balls to break up?