By Anonymous - 15/9/2020 08:02 - New Zealand

Great gift idea!

Today, it was my birthday and my first present was finding out that my girlfriend of five years has been cheating on me. FML

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Vulture

Season finale

They're all eggheads to me

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I tried on the new dress I bought for myself. I, for once, thought I looked pretty all right. I asked my dog, "How do I look?" and she threw up on my pillow. My brother can't stop laughing. FML

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By a man - United States

Today, my dog decided to fly through the front door like Superman. All 180lbs of her promptly slammed sideways into the wall, putting a dog-sized hole in the plaster. FML

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By whatever mom - 23/7/2020 14:02

Everyone's an expert

Today, my mother scolded me for undressing my son and giving him Tylenol to break his fever. She insisted I wrap him in several layers to increase his body temperature in order to let him "sweat the fever out." I’m married to a pediatrician. My mom didn’t finish high school. She swears we're wrong. FML

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By kmctl - United States - San Francisco

Today, some guy walked into the restaurant I work at and ordered enough food to serve the entire National Guard of Texas. He thanked us by leaving a $0.50 tip and shitting on the bathroom floor. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Mcdonough

Today, I went to the doctor to have my annual check-up. After the doctor made me waddle across the room towards him, hop on one foot for thirty seconds, and then lay on my stomach and do the worm, he finally said, "OK, that wasn't really part of the check-up. You're large on the hips. Lay off the Cheetos." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my coworker sent an email to the whole company asking us to fill in a survey. I've been secretly seeing her for two months, so I responded with "sure thing baby, and by the way I ran out of condoms, can you bring more for tonight?" I accidentally hit reply all. FML

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By CoffeeBoy - United States

Today, I went to meet a potential client at StarBucks all the way across town about designing his website. I was extremely excited because I really need the work. I sat for an hour. Turns out he was across the street, at the other StarBucks. FML

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By kitty - United Kingdom - Exeter

He Mad

Today, my grandpa yelled at me, telling me to stop being ugly and rude. I only asked if he could cut the watermelon. FML

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By Perry85

Once again

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend when I said the wrong name in bed. On top of that it was the name of her ex-husband's ex-girlfriend. Who he cheated on my girlfriend with while they were together. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden - Nora

Today, I was walking back to my hotel from the town square, and got lost. I turned back and walked around town for an hour, freaking out and panicking. When I finally found the hotel, I realized it was practically a stone's throw from where I was when I turned around. FML

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By Needsanewjob - United States

Today, I guess I accidentally left Facebook open on my work computer while I went to the bathroom, because my boss updated my status to "Unemployed." FML

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By Anonymous

Right Said Fred

Today, I jokingly told my boyfriend that he should sing the "I'm too sexy for my shirt, so sexy it hurts…" song before we had sex. Now, every time we have sex, that song is going to be in my head. FML

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By Nick - Australia - Sydney

Today, I let my daughter bake a cake for her brother's fifth birthday party. She showed up later with a cake in the shape of a cock and balls. Apparently it's okay, though, because "I frosted it to look like a rocket, hehehe!" I can't believe my balls spawned this moron. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Stockport

Today, I went indoor rock climbing. After finally making it to the top, my pants ripped on my last move. I wasn't wearing any underwear. FML

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By oops - United States

Today, I saw a moth trapped in a spider web. Feeling gracious, I gently freed it, and then took it to the window to let it out. When I opened the window to set him free, my $300 air conditioner fell two stories and smashed on the sidewalk. The moth flew away. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after explaining that I never want kids, I was asked, "Are you sure? I have really strong swimmers." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I got a once-in-a-lifetime chance to see Hamilton. My friend kept complaining and asking very loudly why it was "just about that one guy". We got kicked out. FML

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By Anonymous - France - Paris

Today, my halitosis was so bad that when I blew onto my solution in chemistry class, it reacted. FML

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By me - United States - Parrish

Today, I told my bald, goatee-sporting chemistry teacher that he looks like Walt from Breaking Bad. I quickly got sent to the principal's office and received a 3-day suspension for "slandering" my teacher by implying that he makes meth. FML

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By stupidbug. - Canada

Today, I thought it would be funny to pee on a small bug in the toilet. A much larger bug thought it would be funny to fly into my eye while I was doing this. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/11/2020 23:01

Rock n Roll is a dirty business

Today, I was in a band with some friends and we got our first gig at a local festival, but I'd already agreed to work serving drinks at the festival. My bandmates got really annoyed and kicked me out of the band. They then went ahead and performed the song that I WROTE, without me, at the festival where i was working. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Mansfield

Today, a girl came up to me on the street and said, "You have like no swag, bro." Feeling clever, I said, "At least I have a high school education." She then took out her work ID, showing me that she was a surgeon, flipped me off, then walked away saying, "This is totally going on Facebook." FML

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By Anonymous - 3/3/2021 14:30 - United States - Alexandria

Thanks guys

Today I was offered an opportunity on Instagram from a local lady to take photos of her home for her. I told my friends, because I was shocked. They were shocked too. But in the nicest terms possible, they were shocked because my Instagram "isn’t really professional enough to get such offers." Ouch. FML

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By Guy - United States - O Fallon

Today, the man who fired me from my job became my stepfather. FML

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By unfriendlyskies - United States - Central Falls

Today, I called an airline's customer service line. Apparently the way that they deal with uncommon problems is by having someone put you on hold for twenty minutes, answer and yell something unintelligible at you, put you back on hold, and repeat. This went on for over an hour. FML

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By leftout - United States

Today, I was one of five people called up to the front in class to receive a special notice from the school administration. The first four people received awards for outstanding effort in school. Mine was a notice that I had overdue library fines. FML

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By ConfusedGinger - United States - Downingtown

Today, my dog pooped. In my lap. While I was driving. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was driving to work. I saw a cute boy in the car next to me. To try and look cool, I pretended I was talking on my cell phone. I got pulled over and got a ticket for using my cell phone while driving. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, some wannabe molester actually used the "Do you know who my dad is?!" line on me as I threw him out of a club. Turns out his dad is my boss's brother. I'm now searching for a new job. FML

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By SickMaMa - United States - Cortland

Today, my daughter wasn't feeling well, so we allowed her to sleep in bed with us. She snuggled right up with my husband. I felt a little jealous until she turned around and cuddled with me, just long enough to throw up all over me. She then flipped back over and snuggled with her dad. FML

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By dog got ur phone

Today, I was playing music from my phone, which was on the couch. I guess my dog got jealous, because she picked it up and ran over to the toilet, promptly dropping it right in. FML

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By Eric Rivera - 29/1/2021 23:01 - United States - Philadelphia

I've just got one of those faces

Today, while walking to the corner store, I noticed a car full of teenage girls. As I got closer to the store, one of them who was still getting in, says, "Hurry, here comes a pedo!" I turned to look and see who they were talking about, but there was no one behind me. FML

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By aarong - United States - Tampa

Spotified

Today, I found my daughter's "sex songs" playlist. I was more disappointed by her poor taste in music than the fact that she is already sexually active. FML

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By Coykoi - Canada - Saskatoon

Today, not only did my boyfriend set my hair on fire, but he attempted to put it out by dumping bong water on my head. FML

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By

Today, I found out my boyfriend's parents consider me more of a clingy friend than a girlfriend. We have been together over 5 years. FML

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By Ihatemylife - Slovenia - Ljubljana

Today, in the middle of sex, my girlfriend asked me, "Are you sure you're a guy?" I still have no idea what that was for. FML

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By Girl w/ the Pearl Earring - Australia - Perth

Today, it was another stressful day of watching servicemen at my job trying to figure out what broke an extremely expensive and essential machine. I'm just waiting for the day they finally discover the earring I dropped into it about a week ago FML

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By Pumpkin - United States

Today, I found out that my son is not really gay. He just told me that so I'd let him have girls in his bedroom. FML

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By Imaginary girlfriend - France

Today, I found out that my whole family thinks my girlfriend is imaginary. I sent her a text in front of them telling her that. She never responded. FML

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By behold the Underminer

Today, the water company found that a water main has been leaking steadily possibly for decades and has turned the land my house is built on into an underground bog. Cracks have been appearing in my walls for a while, apparently because my house is slowly sinking into it. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 30

#7938462 - Tuesday 15 September 2020 16:35

That's a terrible gift! You should take it back for store credit (or cash if you have the receipt.)

Or maybe you could re-gift it to someone you don't particularly like.

By ahabsfan | 14

#7938489 - Tuesday 15 September 2020 20:39

Your first present was Day One of your new life.

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 30

#7938462 - Tuesday 15 September 2020 16:35

That's a terrible gift! You should take it back for store credit (or cash if you have the receipt.)

Or maybe you could re-gift it to someone you don't particularly like.

By ahabsfan | 14

#7938489 - Tuesday 15 September 2020 20:39

Your first present was Day One of your new life.

Reply

RichardPencil | 30

#7938513 - Tuesday 15 September 2020 22:56

Are you a fan of the Montreal Canadiens or the Captain in Moby Dick?

By genuinegoodguy | 9

#7938519 - Tuesday 15 September 2020 23:30

Better now than even later. Enjoy the single life for a while and pay her no heed.