New deal

Today, my girlfriend's dad offered me $100 to break up with his daughter. I eagerly replied "No", but my girlfriend grabbed the money and said, "Deal." FML

I agree, your life sucks

2594

You deserved it

262

Favorite

Money

There's no helping some people

Out of it

Death at one's elbow

By Anonymous - United States - Covington

Today, the power went out in my area. My wife and I were bored so I lit some candles, poured some wine, and left little to her imagination about what my intent was. We cuddled a while and as I leaned in for a kiss the power came back on. She was more excited that the WiFi was back than anything. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28798

You deserved it

2505

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By Anonymous - 20/12/2020 20:01 - Canada

Dried out

Today, after spending $300 replacing a dryer and getting the vents cleaned out when our tenants complained their clothes weren't getting dry, my husband and I realized that it was actually the washing machine that was broken. FML

I agree, your life sucks

667

You deserved it

230

Favorite

By Eloise

Today, I went on my third date with a great guy. We finally got round to talking about his tattoos. All 57 are related to his best friend. All of them. The best friend he never stops talking about. Somehow I don't think this will work out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4370

You deserved it

354

Favorite

By anonymous - Canada - Kitchener

Today, for some reason entirely beyond my knowledge, Siri referred to me as "Sugartits". FML

I agree, your life sucks

25064

You deserved it

3406

Favorite

By student414 - Canada

Today, I went to my first class of the semester. After an hour of intense note writing, I realized I was in the wrong class. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21126

You deserved it

30452

Favorite

By biotch - United States

Today, as a volunteer at the local daycare, I was with 3 and 4 year olds. They thought it would be funny to trip me and then jump on my back. I hit my elbow hard on the ground. A bunch of pre-schoolers beat me up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44606

You deserved it

6380

Favorite

By Lizzie - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Dad jokes, part #23555

Today, my boyfriend came over for dinner for the first time. As a joke, my dad answered the door wearing the white church robes that he wears when he is lay-reading during a church service, and said, "Welcome, child of God." FML

I agree, your life sucks

1472

You deserved it

248

Favorite

By IPityTheStool - United Kingdom

Today, I used the staff toilets at school. As I sat down, I heard a sudden plop, followed by the stench of diarrhoea from the next cubicle. It was followed by a "I do apologise!" It was my English teacher. And we continued to chat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38390

You deserved it

7577

Favorite

By tiredeolfatty - Canada - Calgary

Today, I was having a race with a little kid. I let him win to make him feel like a champion. After the race, he turned to me and said, "Maybe if you weren't so fat you would have won." FML

I agree, your life sucks

27507

You deserved it

4508

Favorite

By blehhh - United States

Today, I went to see my gynecologist. She was writing my symptoms up in my chart on her computer. After a little while, I noticed that she had a confused look on her face and was reading something instead. When I took a peek at the computer screen, I saw that she was Googling my symptoms. FML

I agree, your life sucks

97995

You deserved it

4553

Favorite

By ihateseagulls - United States

Today, while at the beach, my little sister thought it would be cute to feed a small seagull some of her food. Minutes later a flock of seagulls swarmed and attacked me and my sandwich. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28587

You deserved it

4097

Favorite

By navi - 11/3/2021 11:01

Assumptions

Today, my dad once again had to help me with my technological issues. Isn’t it usually the other way around? FML

I agree, your life sucks

506

You deserved it

373

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By tryingtohelp - 24/5/2020 20:00

Good samaritan

Today, I heard my downstairs neighbor being beaten by her husband. I anonymously called 911, hoping to help. She must've seen me giving the cops my statement because as soon as they left, she knocked on my door and punched me square in the face while screaming, "Mind your own business bitch!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

2571

You deserved it

283

Favorite

By disgusting - United States

Today, I walked past a girl in the cafeteria and she threw up. Naturally, a crowd was drawn. Her friend asked her what was wrong. She pointed at me and said, "Get him away from me!" I had never met this girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46476

You deserved it

2677

Favorite

By bastawhiz - United States

Today, a professor approached me in the hall to ask if, since I'm a math major, I could tutor one of her communications majors in a required Calculus course. Apparently the volunteer tutor the school provides "is a complete dumbass." I'm the school's volunteer tutor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36621

You deserved it

4457

Favorite

By KnuckleSandwich - United States

Today, I received a medical bill because my daughter thought it would be hilarious to try and fit her fist in her mouth. She succeeded in getting it in, but not in getting it out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45562

You deserved it

3738

Favorite

By Anonymous - 27/2/2021 20:01

Workers of the world unite

Today, my initial unemployment benefits ran out. Yesterday, the extended benefits ran out for my entire state too, so I'll see $0 assistance. But it could be worse, they're also taking back 7 million $ from extended benefits receivers, so at least I'm not having money taken away. FML

I agree, your life sucks

695

You deserved it

105

Favorite

By 1thapp3ns - United States

Today, I went to dinner with my mom and her new boyfriend. At the restaurant, while we were eating, he started clapping and singing "if you're happy and you know it." My mom joined in. And they sang loudly. Loud enough for the entire restaurant to go quiet and stare. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31946

You deserved it

2986

Favorite

By Lifes_overated - Australia

Today, at a bus stop my friend told me that he loved me. I, reacting on impulse, told him how long I've wanted to hear him say that, and kissed him. Then I realised the look on his face. Turns out he'd said 'I need new shoes' not 'I love you.' FML

I agree, your life sucks

25002

You deserved it

48648

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Bloomington

Today, my girlfriend of two years broke up with me because of the scratch marks on my back. I didn't have the nerve to tell her I tried to shower with the cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21769

You deserved it

35692

Favorite

By Anonymous - 8/9/2020 14:01 - United States - Waterville

Mr Sensitivity

Today, I spent four hours at the ER because I had a miscarriage. The father of the baby was being sweet and supportive while I was there and checked in on me after I got home. Six hours after we found out we lost our baby, he asked for a threesome. He still doesn’t understand what’s wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2373

You deserved it

208

Favorite

By Blamethepostman

Today, I bought stamps to send a letter. For some unknown reason, instead of putting the stamp on the letter, I posted the letter and the stamp booklet into the postbox. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8953

You deserved it

2768

Favorite

By A.L.Woody - United States

You IDIOT

Today, I was approached by the head cheerleader, and she asked for my number. I was so excited that I gave it to her without question. Then she smiled, and walked away. Too bad my girlfriend was right behind me when it happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9766

You deserved it

112598

Favorite

By SharpeOne

Today, I found out that my parents didn't come to my wedding not because they couldn't make it, but rather that my younger brother didn't want to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36432

You deserved it

2554

Favorite

By Anonymous - Puerto Rico - Arecibo

Today, my father took me out for some driving lessons. I accidentally reversed while still in the driveway, and I instinctively hit the brakes. In my panic, I accidentally let go of the brakes, and ended up reversing straight into our house, all while my father yelled "NOOOOOO!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

42656

You deserved it

18757

Favorite

By thank god you'll only live once - Canada - Hamilton

Today, in the lunch line at school, a kid literally ordered a "hamburger with extra swag." FML

I agree, your life sucks

49073

You deserved it

3758

Favorite

By Sharibabi65 - United States

Today, I told my fiancé I wanted to hear something romantic. He said, "My dick loves your mouth." I guess that's as good as it's going to get. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31323

You deserved it

6803

Favorite

By jeffcarp - Italy - Cesenatico

Mint taste

Today, my wife stopped mid blowjob because it tasted too clean, like my mint shower gel. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1742

You deserved it

249

Favorite

By fubuggie - United States - Saint Albans

Today, while working the register, a known mentally-unstable man approached me. He ended up telling me that the Statue of Liberty is sexist and a screw-up by Washington. When I told him that the French made it, he told me to shut up and complained to my manager. He knows me by name now. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42458

You deserved it

5013

Favorite

By Jim - Canada - Winfield

Bigger than...

Today, I was looking for my passport and I found my wife's new vibrator (that she failed to tell me she'd purchased). I understand now why she doesn't want sex with me anymore. That thing is much bigger than I am. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2380

You deserved it

470

Favorite

By StungAlot

Today, I got stung by jellyfish. As I writhed in pain on the beach, my dad comes up and asks me to be quiet, that I'm embarrassing him. He also mentioned that jellyfish were out today and that I should be careful. Thanks, dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1750

You deserved it

173

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Chillicothe

Today, my neighbor's 4-year-old daughter came up to me and asked if she could have my dog. When I said no, she started crying so much that her mom came out 5 minutes later and demanded that I give her daughter the dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19673

You deserved it

1253

Favorite

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I woke up to what I thought was my 9 month old son breastfeeding. It was my boyfriend. According to him, he wanted to experience what his mother never gave him as a kid. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45403

You deserved it

8273

Favorite

By terrified - United States - Union Star

Today, the amount of spiders in my house has gotten so bad that it's become routine to shake out any blankets or towels before using them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29157

You deserved it

3623

Favorite

By kebaby - United States

Today, I spent a long time steam-cleaning a mystery stain on my living room carpet. I turned the light on to get a better look at it, and realized that it was a shadow. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11913

You deserved it

48088

Favorite

By guttedgirl - United Kingdom

Today, I found out my ex boyfriend's band has become quite popular on YouTube. My friends and sister won't stop singing their songs. Most of them were written after I dumped him, and go on to say how much better off he is without me and how horrible I am. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35300

You deserved it

23491

Favorite

By NYeeerrr

Today, after having my Apple Watch for a year, it asked me something it has never asked me before. As I began my hike around a lake, 10 minutes in, it asked if I was starting to workout. I hit yes, and it then congratulated me on my very first workout. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1519

You deserved it

680

Favorite

By itsjustmyluck - United States

Today, I was in line at the store behind a lady and her young daughter. Trying to be polite I smiled at the little girl. She burst into tears asking her mommy 'what is wrong with that ladies teeth'. Apparently braces on a 25 year old is not 'kid friendly'. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31229

You deserved it

3264

Favorite

By Beeper - United States - Champaign

Today, as always, I have Tourette's syndrome. It causes me to occasionally make a beeping noise. My boyfriend just figured out that if he beeps back, it makes me beep again. He thinks it's hilarious and won't stop. FML

I agree, your life sucks

57578

You deserved it

5205

Favorite

By theskippster - United States

Today, I was in Walmart. I saw a demo for Guitar Hero on the DS so I started playing. I was kicking ass and really feeling great about myself. I then looked away for a second, looked back down, and saw that the notes were still being hit. The demo had been on automatic-player the entire time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19976

You deserved it

65604

Favorite

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Top comments

By cacheson | 41

#7872228 - Sunday 5 January 2020 18:08

So... why was he doing this in front of her??

By Hangryko | 17

#7872249 - Sunday 5 January 2020 21:21

Originally posted by ccblock, September 17 2010, from the United States.

COMMENTS

By cacheson | 41

#7872228 - Sunday 5 January 2020 18:08

So... why was he doing this in front of her??

ErvaMarrie | 5

#7872870 - Wednesday 8 January 2020 11:24

Why would he do it behind her back 👀👀🤷🏾‍♀️

By bloopaloop | 27

#7872245 - Sunday 5 January 2020 20:39

You lost your girl and the money, HAHA!

By Hangryko | 17

#7872249 - Sunday 5 January 2020 21:21

Originally posted by ccblock, September 17 2010, from the United States.

slowhandjp | 16

#7872263 - Sunday 5 January 2020 22:46

How did you know that?

MidnaLink | 32

#7872308 - Monday 6 January 2020 6:32

I just looked up “offered me $100”, and what do you know, two matching FMLs, word for word.

alycion | 38

#7872316 - Monday 6 January 2020 7:22

If a FML is missing user info and just has a date, it’s rehashed. It’s like they are using old ones to populate the page since submissions seem to have slowed.