By JillianJuneBug - 17/8/2019 18:00

Mexican Standoff

Today, I had no choice but to use a public bathroom. I have issues going when there are others in the stalls, and apparently another person did as well. We both sat there in silence, waiting stubbornly for the other to give up and leave so we could go. It’s been 20 minutes. FML

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Work name

Oh, hai!

You snooze, you lose

By killercow - 19/4/2011 16:19 - United States

Today, I walked into the laundry room when my mom pulled a condom wrapper out of my pants pocket. She looked at me and said "you know you can't wash and reuse these." FML

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By Me - 10/9/2010 05:30 - United States

Today, my family and I argued whether getting a period or boner in the middle of class was worse. At the dinner table. FML

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By catgirl911 - 13/10/2009 01:44 - United States

Today, I woke up to see my cat crawling out my window onto the roof. Afraid he was going to jump to the ground, I crawled out my window as well. I caught him. The neighbors caught me in my underwear and bra yelling at my cat on the roof. FML

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By staticman101 - 4/10/2012 03:14 - United States - Allendale

Today, I used the phrase "bitch please" in real life. It was funny until the "bitch" bitch-slapped me in the face. FML

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By shitfaced - 18/9/2015 17:30 - Netherlands - Sassenheim

Today, I kissed my girlfriend for the first time. She recoiled in horror and asked if someone had taken a shit in my mouth. FML

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By auto boogie man - 19/11/2015 16:44 - United States - New York

Today, at school, I was asked to play a complex piano piece in front of my class, teachers and guests. I nailed it, but what stood out most for everyone was how I apparently looked like I was being possessed while performing. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/12/2011 20:38 - United Kingdom

Today, I attended my extended family's Christmas dinner. All throughout, my grandmother kept complaining about how the food tasted like crap, and making sexual remarks such as how "the stuffings were far better in my day, if you know what I mean." FML

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By Bahhumbug - 22/12/2014 14:24 - Australia - Perth

Today, I found out I was the top ranking sales person for 2014. What did last year's winner receive? An all-expenses paid weekend holiday. What did I receive? A ham. I'm vegetarian. FML

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By chase - 25/1/2013 00:54 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, feeling lonely after my recent breakup, I put on my nicest clothes and went out clubbing with a few friends. I brought a guy back to my place, and we got intimate. It was going well, until he took off my push-up bra, then panicked and drunkenly asked, "Where'd they go?!" FML

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By potassiumgirl - 11/4/2012 19:53 - United States - Hollywood

Today, I was eating a banana, and decided to practice my blowjob skills, since my boyfriend is always complaining that I'm bad at giving head. Let's just say my lungs now have their daily dose of potassium. FML

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By drake86 - 9/1/2013 16:42 - United Kingdom - Helensburgh

Today, I got genuinely annoyed at myself when I realised I probably lack the skills to survive a Zombie apocalypse. FML

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By acorn - 8/8/2009 23:59 - United States

Today, I was on the phone with my mother making arrangements to go to a dinner tonight where I will be honored for my political activism. She made it clear she's only going for me, and does NOT support the gay rights group that is putting the dinner on. I was planning on coming out after dinner. FML

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By badtimingdude - 18/8/2009 16:34 - Mauritius

Today, I lost a bet with my girlfriend. I now have to wear a shirt saying "Worlds Smallest Penis" everywhere I go for a month. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/7/2013 04:51 - United States - Aurora

Today, I went to see one of my favorite bands. They were having signings, but only the first one hundred could get one. When I finally got to the desk, they said I was number hundred and one, and to get lost. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/6/2017 18:00

Today, my wife is threatening divorce because I won't hire her son, my stepson, at the company I work at. Even the lowest position at my company requires a degree in computing, and prior experience. My stepson dropped out of high school to "discover himself" 12 years ago. FML

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By Finesse7791 - 20/9/2009 12:28 - United States

Today, my friend called saying she was gathering all her girlfriends for a girl's night out. I was thrilled with the idea and started to think of something to wear. She then asked if I would mind watching her son. FML

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By ljjprchf - 13/12/2009 01:29 - Australia

Today, I asked my kids how much they loved me. My seven year old responded, 'I'll love you forever mummy.' My sixteen year old responded, 'Can you wind down the window, I just farted.' FML

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By bittenbyadonkey - 28/1/2011 17:23 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend came over to have dinner with my family. Everything went well until my mum started hitting the brandy. While kicked back in her chair, she asked my boyfriend how satisfactory I was in bed, and if he enjoyed going down on me. FML

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By :,< - 17/9/2012 17:16 - United States

Today, I took my daughter to a pony ride at the fair. I paid to have her picture taken, and when we got home, I emailed it to my mom. She replied, disgustedly pointing out that the pretty little pony was displaying a pretty little penis. FML

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By Flora - 17/4/2013 22:56 - United States - Watsonville

Today, I got ancestry DNA tests for my parents and myself. The DNA testing company informed me that I'm a 50% match for my mother but I share no DNA with my father. Apparently, both my parents forgot that they used a sperm donor. This insignificant detail has slipped their minds for 35 years. FML

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By Extended_desktop - 11/9/2011 17:53 - Poland

Today, I got bored and decided to visit a porn site. I typed in the address and hit enter. A split second later, I realized I wasn't typing into the browser address bar, but in a chat window on my other screen. I'd been chatting with a girl I wanted to get with at the time. FML

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By blahhhh - 9/4/2009 10:47 - United States

Today, I was out shopping for bras. While in one store, I couldn't seem to find any in my size. When I asked an employee for help, they took one look at my chest and said "Mabye you should try our girls section, we have a lot of training bras." I'm 25. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/10/2009 06:51 - Canada

Today, I told my girlfriend of eight months that if she didn't start taking my band's music seriously, we couldn't see each other anymore. She said fine, and I hugged her, but then she stood up and said 'I hope we can still be friends,' and walked out the door. FML

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By Fiancé problemsss - 5/1/2014 07:11 - United States - Billings

Today, despite all of the pictures and proof of my fiancé, my parents still think I have an imaginary boyfriend. They met him, and were there when he proposed. They think it's all a joke. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/6/2018 20:30

Today, while riding to the skate park, I noticed a gorgeous blonde walking towards me. She gave me a smile as I passed so I turned and looked behind me to get a second glance. I rode my BMX straight into a light pole in front of a pub patio full of people. She saw it all. FML

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By Grauncho - 22/9/2012 14:12 - United States - Chicago

Today, while dog sitting my neighbor's Great Dane, I decided to order pizza. As soon as I received it, the dog stood in the hallway staring at me. As soon as I moved, he ran full force and knocked me into the door, causing me to fall and drop the pizza, which he promptly devoured in front of me. FML

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By embarrassed - 20/12/2010 14:51 - United States

Today, I slipped at work while putting out a "wet floor" sign to make sure the customers didn't slip. FML

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By stupidneighbor - 4/3/2009 17:03 - United States

Today, I slipped on the ice in front of my apartment, spraining my ankle and cracking a rib. While I laid on the ground immediately after, my neighbor chewed me out for saying "shit" in front of her 4-year-old on my way down. FML

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By Eskyew - 23/7/2009 21:40 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were talking on the phone, and things got a little heated. We were in the middle of some kinky dialog, complete with hand action when he suddenly goes silent. While waiting for a response, I heard typing on the other end. He was checking his email. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/8/2018 20:30

Today, I was diagnosed with a tumor and had to cancel on the holidays with my crush of 4 years. He is taking another girl with him instead. FML

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By anonymous - 21/6/2011 23:51 - Canada

Today, my mother told my little sister and me that she has breast cancer to make us feel sorry so that we would clean our rooms. She is perfectly fine. My little sister still thinks that "mommy is going to die". FML

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By Loner - 19/9/2017 19:30 - United States - Paramus

Today, my buddy congratulated me on getting a girl's phone number written on my arm. I was too embarrassed to tell him it was the number I needed to find my furniture at IKEA . FML

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By DriveNowhere - 31/12/2016 11:50 - Australia

Today, I drove my friends two hours to see a tourist attraction I had been talking up for months. It burnt to the ground last week. FML

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By S - 21/5/2009 04:04 - United States

Today, I was surprised to learn that I could carry on intelligent conversations about basketball with my guy friends. Then I realized it was because my boyfriend insists on watching ESPN while we have sex. FML

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By Doc - 18/8/2018 13:30 - United States - Anchorage

Today, I'm facing malpractice charges for neglecting a patient and failing to treat an infection. The patient had severe maggot-infested gangrene in his foot with exposed metatarsals, but refused amputation and all treatment. The judge is moving forward with the charges. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/9/2009 04:10 - Canada

Today, I went to the bar to celebrate my friend's birthday party. I gave the bouncer my ID and he kicked me out, saying that I should at least use an ID card with the correct gender. I'm 22 and female, he thought I was an underage boy. FML

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By NoPeeGiven - 14/4/2013 05:10 - United States - Palatine

Today, I had to go to the clinic for a physical. The nurse asked me for a pee sample; however, I had no urine to give. After 20 minutes of standing at the stall I was able to squeeze half a cup of pee. As I approached the sink to cover the sample, I somehow managed to drop it all over myself. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/12/2017 05:00

Today, I accidentally called a student in my 10th grade English class "David" instead of "Dylan". Without thinking, I said, "I'm sorry, I just have a lot of d's in my life!". All of my students broke out in mortified laughter. FML

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By itsgotime - 20/3/2009 06:11 - United States

Today, I was running to my car, slipped, and slammed my head on the car door. I started driving to the hospital because it was bleeding profusely and I was dizzy, I called my mom to tell her what had happened. She said I was grounded for "goofing off" and that she was "sick of my shit". FML

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By Zoey_M - 8/7/2013 23:26 - Saudi Arabia - Riyadh

Today, my older brother told me that the only reason I like cats is because they control minds. I laughed. He was serious. FML

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Top comments

By julfunky | 29

#7833590 - Saturday 17 August 2019 20:53

I have the same issue, but I have enough common sense to leave before it gets anywhere near 20 minutes.

By RichardPencil | 28

#7833524 - Saturday 17 August 2019 18:04

What a bunch of tight-asses!

(Or should I have gone with “shitty situation?”)

Comments

By RichardPencil | 28

#7833524 - Saturday 17 August 2019 18:04

What a bunch of tight-asses!

(Or should I have gone with “shitty situation?”)

By Mooglefox | 23

#7833552 - Saturday 17 August 2019 18:47

You could have made it a game and played Battle-shits.

By julfunky | 29

#7833590 - Saturday 17 August 2019 20:53

I have the same issue, but I have enough common sense to leave before it gets anywhere near 20 minutes.

By NPDclusterBaware | 8

#7833625 - Saturday 17 August 2019 23:51

I have trouble using the stall next to others too, sorry OP

By DrSamba | 7

#7833630 - Sunday 18 August 2019 0:08

That truly sucks, although I personally have never been shy about sich thingAnd then there was the guy at work who once followed me into the men's room and stood outside the stall talking to me about some work thing or other while I took a shit. Guess he couldn't wait, and neither could I. True story!

By htx4life | 4

#7833678 - Sunday 18 August 2019 5:40

I'm the same way also If someone is in there I just walk out. or if they come in while I'm in there I wait a few minutes an go.

By alycion | 38

#7833693 - Sunday 18 August 2019 6:33

I’d like a follow up as to who won.

By raven_of_azarath | 32

#7833900 - Sunday 18 August 2019 17:09

I have this problem too, and what I find helps is listening to music on headphones while I’m in there. Makes it easier to pretend I’m alone.

By Charity Taylor | 17

#7857842 - Friday 8 November 2019 21:31

Just a tip. When it gets that intense just turn on a video or music on your phone super loud. It allows for much more privacy.