Intimacy: Today, my boyfriend and I were on the phone. He started talking... - FML

By picturemenakedbaby - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were on the phone. He started talking dirty, and saying how horny he was, etc. So I decided to play along and said "I want you to picture me naked, baby." All of a sudden I heard a huge sigh. He responded, "Ew, that just killed it." FML

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Coherence dude, do you have it?

Out of it

Season finale

By Anonymous

If only they hadn't learned to read…

Today, I was hosting my kid's birthday party. I had a bunch of small trinkets, so I grabbed the first container I could find to put them in. It wasn’t until I went out and someone yelled, "I’ll take a heavy flow!" that I realized it was an empty tampon box. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I got drunk and hooked up with some random chick. Later, I found out she's Facebook friends with my girlfriend. They used to be best friends when the girl was a senior. Small world. FML

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By Lane

Today, I made a frustrating discovery about my new bunny. He can’t stand the fan in my small studio apartment, and thumps angrily and refuses to sleep if it's on. I can’t sleep with it off. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Balwyn North

Today, during an unrelated appointment with my GP, he offered me a free check for chlamydia. Despite me reassuring him that I was STI free, he insisted that I should undergo the test. I ended up agreeing, only because I was too embarrassed to admit that I'm still a virgin. FML

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By Dinger1992 - United States

Today, my dad was teaching me how to drive. He told me that stop signs with white outlines are "optional." I ran through the next one I saw and got pulled over by a cop. My dad is making me pay the ticket for being "that stupid." Thanks dad. FML

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By FreeTacos_ - United States - Pueblo

Today, I told my crush that I liked her a lot. She told me not to message her when I'm drunk. FML

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By seriously wtf - United States - Saint Petersburg

Today, in my architecture class, my professor's lecture consisted of a list of movies and books which feature characters who are architects. I couldn't leave because I needed the attendance points, and it lasted 45 minutes. I paid out of state tuition for this. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Brighton

Today, I had the cops called on me for acting suspiciously. I was using a payphone. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Antioch

Today, I overheard my mom complaining to her friends about her uncontrollable queefing problem. Excuse me while I find a therapist. FML

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By MadMax - United States - Nashua

Today, I rode my motorcycle to an appointment and parked in the parking garage. When I got out, some ass had pushed my bike from the spot and had boxed it in between the wall and his car. Apparently, he felt he deserved the spot more than me and didn't care if I wanted to leave. FML

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By Anonymous

Forever alone, episode 7864

Today, I lied at a store when the checkout person told me the cologne I was buying was for men. I told him it was for my boyfriend. I haven't had a boyfriend in 2 years, I just wanted it to smell like one. FML

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By even axe would smell better - United Kingdom - Aylesbury

Today, a kid in class kept chatting to his friend, and was made to swap seats. Every time the guy he swapped with moved, the stench from his armpits wafted over. It smelled like nacho cheese crossed with ball sweat. It got so bad that I eventually had to go dry heave in the toilets. FML

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By for my brother in law - United States - Oxnard

Today, I sent a love message to my wife asking if she was horny. Minutes later, I realized that I sent it to my mother in law. FML

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By sabadaba - United States

Today, at the DMV, I was told to push my forehead against a vision testing device on the counter to activate a blinking light. When nothing happened, the employee started yelling for me to push harder. I tried again, only to knock the whole thing into her. FML

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By ZombiKilla - United States - Delta

Today, I went on a date. Met the guy at the restaurant, everything seemed to be going OK, but then he spent the entire dinner talking about Pokemon GO, and wouldn't let me say a word. He suddenly stops talking, gets up, says he, "doesn't feel a connection" and leaves. I had to pay the bill. FML

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By kryan012 - United States - Savannah

Today, I heard a commercial for a great apartment complex. Includes food, snacks, entertainment, activities, cleaning service, and transportation services if you cannot drive yourself. I was really excited until the end when they repeated the name; too bad my perfect place is a senior center. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/12/2020 01:08 - United States - Cleveland

Grateful

Today, my mom made me shovel our long driveway, as it had just snowed a couple of inches. It took me two and half hours to finish. She came out and said, "Wow, is this really the best you can do?" FML

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By Anonymous

Today, during a driving lesson, I accidentally rear-ended a BMW at a traffic light. The number plate was "Law Man." FML

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By sad_unicorn - Australia - Yagoona

The Intruder

Today, I have to close my bedroom door with a bucket because I don't have a door latch from previous owners. When my partner and I were going at it, we had to stop because the cat kept reaching around the door, trying to attack the bucket and destroying the mood. Cat 1 - Humans 0. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was driving home with my dad after buying a new truck. We were on the freeway and the engine wasn't revving up very much. My dad thought that something was wrong with my transmission, so he reached over to change gears. Most cars won't go into reverse at high speeds. Mine does. FML

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By Anonymous

Freaky.

Today, according to my mother, who is only 19 years older than me and raised me by herself, I was conceived in a satanic ritual to honour the Horned God and have at least 4 potential fathers. She was too stoned to remember the actual number or their names. FML

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By Acolyte of the Bacon God - United States - Fort Myers

Today, my girlfriend finally said that she finally felt ready to have sex with me. It ended up being so terrible that I only managed to get some pleasure out of it when my mind drifted to the thought of going to Olive Garden later and eating some of their breadsticks. FML

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By scalmon - United States

Today, while making love to my wife, I let slip her sister's name. I don't think it would calm her down much if I told the truth: I was actually thinking of an ex girlfriend who shares the same name. FML

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By

I am sorry

Today, I met a new guy at work who would not stop hitting on me. We ended up on a six hour shift together watching a pool, so we were wearing nothing but bathing suits when he began grabbing me inappropriately. When I confided in my female coworker about it, she told me he was her husband. FML

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By natural selection i guess

Today, I found out why my biology class TA, who takes the class alongside the other students, was always so eager to collect my work. Turns out, she's been erasing my name on my papers and writing hers in all semester. My failing final grade has already been finalized. FML

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By noweddingforyou - Canada - Guelph

Today, my girlfriend walked in on me taking a dump, and started plucking her eyebrows. When I told her I was uncomfortable, she said, "Aww, is my baby's poo shy? Is it, is it?" and pinched my cheek. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my 2 year-old son decided to pee on the dog for the second day in a row. I'm afraid this will turn into a routine thing. FML

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By CaptainByron

Today, my father contacted me for the first time in close to 2 months. The first thing he did was ask if I wanted to buy some weed. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was making out with my girlfriend in my room. About two minutes into it, my cat walks in and jumps on the bed with us. Without hesitation, my girlfriend tells me to stop, rolls over, and starts petting my cat. FML

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By Danielle - United States

Today, while dog sitting, the dog peed on the carpet. There was a bottle of cleaning spray on the counter so I sprayed the spot. Turns out that spray was Clorox Bleach. Now their carpet is bright orange. FML

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By Bilibók Renáta

Today, I drove my car into a fence because a spider was crawling from the mirror. The police laughed their asses off. One of them asked, "What should I write in the report? That she got scared of a spider?" Then he wrote just that. FML

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By Lost5dollars - United States - Worcester

Today, I woke up to a bunch of missed calls from a number I didn't know. I had called an Uber in my sleep. They charged a cancellation fee. FML

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By RC3Welly - United States

Today, I had drunk sex with a girl that I barely know. I didn't have a condom and was nervous about getting her pregnant, but she assured me that I could pull out. Right when I was about to pull out, she wrapped her legs around me and yelled, "BE MY BABY'S DADDY!" I couldn't get out in time. FML

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By Anonymous - Senegal

Today, I threw a birthday party for my boyfriend. As a joke, my friend and I served him non-alcoholic beer to see how he'd react. After a while, he faked being drunk, using it as an excuse after I caught him making out with one of my so-called "friends". FML

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By loveade11 - France

Today, a police officer caught my girlfriend and me having sex. The officer was my dad, and we were butt naked in his new Ford Expedition. FML

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By KrazyKill - Canada

Today, I faked being sick so I could weasel out of a chemistry test at school. Happy that I pulled it off, I posted my accomplishment on Facebook. I forgot that I'm friends with my parents. FML

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By fml - United States

Today, after 3 years at my job I received a 14% raise. I was informed I will be transitioned from hourly to salary. I will now be making $1500 LESS than I made last year. FML

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By Money Shot

Today, I was sunbathing by my pool, totally naked. After a while I got a boner and decided to jerk off. As I was about to finish, I rolled over to cum on the deck, but when I rolled back, my elderly neighbor yelled, "Don't do that in the open if you won’t give up the money shot." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at work, I was called into the office by my supervisor, on whom I have a massive crush. He called me in to get my password to make some adjustments on my work account and asked me what my password was. I had to hold eye contact with him and tell him my password is his full name. FML

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By drano - United States

Today, I was working as a cashier at my job. A guy came up with a cart full of stuff and it took me 10 minutes to ring it all up. When I told him his total, he felt his pockets, said "Oh shit I forgot my wallet!" and walked away. He left about 15 bags worth of things for me to put back. FML

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Top comments

By genius_man16 | 0

#416187 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 16:06

Your boyfriend is kind of a dick. Kidding or not.

By DirtyParkBench | 0

#416188 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 16:06

Ahh, wow. FML. Who was he picturing before, then?

COMMENTS

By genius_man16 | 0

#416187 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 16:06

Your boyfriend is kind of a dick. Kidding or not.

Reply

crazychika | 0

#416243 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 16:19

Agreed, he's definitely a douche. Dump the basterd for not respecting you, or considering your feelings.

Reply

littlegolferboy | 4

#416360 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 16:58

I think dumping him would be a bit harsh, but he definitely needs something like a punch in the stomach for being such a jerk.

Reply

Anonanimal | 0

#416440 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 17:27

sack him next time you see him

Reply

Toni818 | 0

#416734 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 19:36

Why? You can't force attraction.
He's a moron for being with someone he's not attracted to, but he's not a dick.

Reply

ChrisWasHere | 0

#417060 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 21:41

For sure. And, to the OP: He's your boyfriend. The thought of my girlfriend naked would get me horny..
You should dump him, unless he was just kidding around.

Reply

Lmao_xD | 0

#417706 - Wednesday 22 July 2009 1:37

Hes a jerk.

Reply

bgukusa00 | 0

#418611 - Wednesday 22 July 2009 9:58

well if she is ugly then itz kind of her own fault not the bf

Reply

quantum_insanity | 0

#418671 - Wednesday 22 July 2009 10:48

how is being ugly anyone's fault??

Reply

Polionixon | 2

#420177 - Thursday 23 July 2009 0:38

seriously wut? being ugly is her fault? hahahahahahahahaahahahA GENETICS BITCH!

Reply

Saromo | 0

#426756 - Saturday 25 July 2009 2:50

I second that.

Reply

drzhottie148 | 0

#431774 - Sunday 26 July 2009 23:46

I would have been like" It's over you son of a whore."

Reply

aidsgiver247 | 0

#478109 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 23:42

i would have been like ' YOUR MUMS A FUCKING SLUTBAG, YOU ARE HER SON. YOU SON OF A FUCKING SLUTBAG.FYM.fuck your fucking mum.'

Reply

RachelTheLoser | 0

#1169283 - Sunday 1 August 2010 5:32

agree with 95 and 33 (:

By DirtyParkBench | 0

#416188 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 16:06

Ahh, wow. FML. Who was he picturing before, then?

Reply

cherry_blossom | 0

#416224 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 16:14

for real!

Reply

Yoshi8466 | 0

#418297 - Wednesday 22 July 2009 6:10

Thats a good question!

Reply

thepatty8474 | 10

#3424604 - Thursday 13 October 2011 3:21

Her sister...?
Or her mom...?
Or her dad.... O.o

Reply

riax | 9

#4558292 - Tuesday 12 June 2012 18:49

Yes, bcoz in op's eyes, his dad has more sex appeal than his gf

Reply

riax | 9

#4558306 - Tuesday 12 June 2012 18:50

I wish there was a delete comment button on fml....

Reply

NotRussian | 16

#6582932 - Monday 18 April 2016 16:21

Obviously Scarlet Johansen cause in reality, who isn't?

By honda1 | 0

#416189 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 16:06

What a dick head!

By L0veh8te | 0

#416190 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 16:06

lOL, Wife is smart.

By lawlfyl | 0

#416193 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 16:07

Wow......that sucks. Lmao.

By JessTrek | 0

#416200 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 16:08

Oh no! Hahahahaha. Hopefully he was kidding...but for some reason I don't think he was. Sucks to be you.

By mrlucky4444 | 0

#416201 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 16:08

LOL FYL

By tay7 | 0

#416203 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 16:09

your boyfriend seems like a jerk..
id dump him.

By JackieT | 0

#416218 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 16:12

ydi for being ugle/fat

lol j/k

Reply

RJB | 0

#416232 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 16:16

ydi for not spelling "ugly" right. lol
she may not be ugly but maybe she is alittle ugly down under.. if u know wht i mean

By LightYagami_fml | 0

#416228 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 16:16

Ouch D: