Today, my boyfriend and I were on the phone. He started talking... - FML

By picturemenakedbaby - 21/7/2009 10:42 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were on the phone. He started talking dirty, and saying how horny he was, etc. So I decided to play along and said "I want you to picture me naked, baby." All of a sudden I heard a huge sigh. He responded, "Ew, that just killed it." FML

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Serious times

Alexa, play "The Lovecats" by The Cure

TMI

By C2 - 17/1/2009 23:17 - Australia

Today, at a party, I watched the guy I've liked for AGES come out of a bedroom with one of my gay male friends. They were in there for a while. FML

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By Jenny - 5/4/2020 23:00

Three is a magic number

Today, my 15-year-old daughter told me that she's pregnant. To make matters worse, she doesn't know who the father is. She told me not to worry though, because she has it narrowed down to "like, only 3 guys." FML

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By FreeTacos_ - 28/10/2015 05:23 - United States - Pueblo

Today, I told my crush that I liked her a lot. She told me not to message her when I'm drunk. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/7/2011 11:06 - United Kingdom

Today, I was the designated driver. It was also my birthday party. FML

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By wil - 25/4/2015 17:55 - United States - Nashville

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because "God" told her to. I guess "God" didn't have any problems with me buying dinner first. FML

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By "taelor14" - 8/11/2017 01:30

Today, after boarding my flight, the flight attendant looked at me and said that I had to sit elsewhere because I had to be over 14 to sit near the emergency exit. I'm 22. FML

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By mario - 2/3/2019 19:00 - United States - Corvallis

Today, my roommate ran out of filter tips so he cut up my chemistry note cards for his joints. FML

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By Elmo - 16/2/2009 22:42 - United States

Today, is my brothers 16th birthday. He got keys to the Lexus. I'm 18, have no car, and got pajama pants and chapstick for my birthday. FML

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By peopleinthepark - 30/5/2009 14:46 - United States

Today, it was beautiful out. I decided to play guitar at the park near my house. I left my guitar case open, asking not for money but for feedback. I got two pieces of paper with feedback: 1) You're fat. 2) Get a life. FML

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By Alex - 7/3/2012 00:34 - United States

Today, I had to get out my birth certificate to prove to my dad that today is my birthday. This has happened before. FML

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By JaneVI - 10/2/2011 22:48 - United Kingdom

Today, I got an e-mail from my seminar tutor asking why I wasn't in class. I was sitting next to him. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/5/2013 04:16 - United States - Great Falls

Today, I lent a pair of expensive headphones to a "friend" for the weekend. As a thank-you, he bought me a soda. He moved this weekend, taking the headphones with him. I lost a $250 pair of headphones for a $1 soda. FML

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By bloodless - 5/1/2016 05:17 - Canada - Grande Prairie

Today, I went for bloodwork. It's routine for me, so I was ready for the nurse to put in the needle and take my blood. It went in fine, but right after, she slowly pulled the needle out, then wondered why the blood stopped. She then moved it back and forth in my arm while I panicked silently. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/5/2012 01:24 - United States

Today, I found out that my little brother has been rubbing my toothbrush in dog shit for the last month because I accidentally broke one of his toys. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/9/2012 20:47 - New Zealand - Dunedin

Today, I learned that you can be so sleep deprived that you sleep through your alarm, a construction crew outside your house, and your bladder completely voiding itself. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/9/2012 20:27 - United States - Fort Lauderdale

Today, I was on the toilet, when the girl I really like decided to call. I'd left my cellphone in my room and my dad answered. All he said was, "He's taking a shit. This might take a while." and hung up. FML

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By Hunter - 6/12/2010 06:17

Today, my five year old son was sick with a stomach bug. He didn't want to leave my side so I decided to grab a bowl from the kitchen for him to puke into. The thing is, it was dark in the kitchen and I accidentally grabbed a strainer. My new outfit is now ruined. FML

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By Justme - 20/2/2011 12:23 - United States

Today, I had surgery on my "girl parts" and can't have sex for six weeks. My boyfriend sees no need to spend any time with me until I heal up. FML

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By Stupid Pregnancy Brain - 18/11/2016 13:45

Today, I'm 8 weeks pregnant and suffering from severe pregnancy brain. I was making my husband's lunch to take to work. I realised shortly after he left that I'd used dish soap instead of BBQ sauce for his sandwich. He has to turn his phone off for work, so I have no way to warn him. FML

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By unwantedlove - 25/2/2011 18:36 - France

Today, my fiancé and I were cuddling on the couch watching TV when we started kissing. As I crawled onto his lap and started to unzip his pants, he said, "You're blocking the TV." FML

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By Anonymous - 23/3/2017 22:00

Today, my parents met my boyfriend for the first time. They spent the entire meal trying to convince him to dump me, all while I was sitting right next to him. FML

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By hurtinrealbad - 16/10/2012 17:25 - United States - Tempe

Today, I had a cyst in my butt removed. The doctors had to make a hole, and then fill it with gauze before sending me home. As soon as I got back, my sister decided to kick me in the butt as hard as she could. FML

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By clinictime - 11/4/2012 23:05 - Canada - Okotoks

Today, my ex, who I'm still in love with, emailed me. I thought she changed her mind about us, so I poured my heart out to her. She just wanted to let me know she has chlamydia, and advise me to go to the clinic. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/1/2014 21:08 - Canada - Prince Albert

Today, I bought an automatic air refresher. I put the can and batteries in, and it promptly sprayed a blast of its scent down my throat. Now I can't breathe without tasting it. FML

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By ohokay - 24/1/2013 02:59 - United States - Bronx

Today, I found my boyfriend's Facebook page. I also found his wife's. FML

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By Alanis - 21/7/2012 01:59 - United States

Today, I confessed to my co-worker that I've secretly loved him for months. He laughed hysterically for about a minute straight before shaking his head and excusing himself from the store. Even the fact that my boss fired him for leaving early isn't cheering me up. FML

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By Thanks Trump - 8/3/2016 22:31 - United States - New York

Today, my mom parked in a handicapped space because, "the Spanish people are taking over everything." FML

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By MyHeadHurts - 20/1/2012 10:42 - Ireland

Today, I got bored looking at porn. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/1/2010 15:06 - United States

Today, the boy I've liked for the past 8 years asked me out and then dumped me when he realized that I was taller than he was. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/6/2015 14:11 - United Kingdom

Today, my dad told me he had a present for me. It was his tooth, which he had pulled out a few minutes before. FML

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By workworkwork - 27/5/2017 20:00

Today, my boss asked me to pick up more waitressing shifts because we are short-staffed. I already work seven days a week. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/9/2014 21:27 - United States

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend, only for her to slap me, throwing the "fake ring" away and storming off, convinced it was a cruel joke. FML

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By bees - 9/10/2014 06:51 - United States - Lancaster

Today, I was mowing my grandma's lawn when I was suddenly swarmed by bees. When my grandma saw me covered in stings later on, she said, "Oh yeah, there are tons of bees in the grass! Be careful!" FML

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By Username - 22/6/2012 06:02 - United States

Today, while watching TV with my boyfriend, I was telling him that I wasn't looking forward to "getting older" and turning thirty in three days. Five minutes later, he said, "I never knew you had so much grey hair already" and then offered to help me dye them. FML

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By ILoveAnimals - 11/6/2012 07:14 - Austria - Vienna

Today, I went to the circus with my family. When we were looking at the animals during the break, an elephant took my purse with his trunk and ate it. It crushed my cellphone, camera, keys and wallet. After that, the circus director yelled at me for feeding poisonous stuff to his elephant. FML

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By the attention seeker - 17/4/2013 21:57 - United States - North Miami Beach

Today my mother met my in-laws for the first time. She had been an alcoholic and had us sent to foster care 15 years ago. My husband told his parents this behind my back a while ago. When they asked her about it, she denied everything. His entire family now thinks I lie for attention. FML

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By rmonk - 24/2/2016 13:13 - United States - Naperville

Today, I went to my required district science fair with my project about gliders and was a bit unprepared in terms of personal knowledge on the science behind gliders. I was hoping I would get a judge who didn't know a lot about aerodynamics. One of my judges was a glider pilot. FML

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By TriedToHelp - 2/6/2019 14:05

Today, I was volunteering at an Indian hospital through a Canadian volunteer agency after paying $3000. It was my first day, but I got deported for having an incorrect visa. I had a tourist visa when I was supposed to have a "miscellaneous" visa. I got deported for volunteering. FML

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By ewwy - 10/10/2010 06:54 - United States

Today, I returned a friends jacket after borrowing it. I made sure to wash it and keep it clean. When he went to put it on, a pair of my granny panties fell out of the sleeve. FML

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By Kybo5 - 8/2/2013 05:45 - United States - Elk Grove

Today, I had a ride along in an ambulance. Being observant, I thought it was funny that a patient had to vomit. That was until I realized they couldn't control where they had to vomit. I spent the rest of the ambulance ride holding a vomit bag in front of the woman's face. Not so funny anymore. FML

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Top comments

By genius_man16 | 0

#416187 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 16:06

Your boyfriend is kind of a dick. Kidding or not.

By DirtyParkBench | 0

#416188 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 16:06

Ahh, wow. FML. Who was he picturing before, then?

COMMENTS

By genius_man16 | 0

#416187 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 16:06

Your boyfriend is kind of a dick. Kidding or not.

Reply

crazychika | 0

#416243 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 16:19

Agreed, he's definitely a douche. Dump the basterd for not respecting you, or considering your feelings.

Reply

littlegolferboy | 4

#416360 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 16:58

I think dumping him would be a bit harsh, but he definitely needs something like a punch in the stomach for being such a jerk.

Reply

Anonanimal | 0

#416440 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 17:27

sack him next time you see him

Reply

Toni818 | 0

#416734 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 19:36

Why? You can't force attraction.
He's a moron for being with someone he's not attracted to, but he's not a dick.

Reply

ChrisWasHere | 0

#417060 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 21:41

For sure. And, to the OP: He's your boyfriend. The thought of my girlfriend naked would get me horny..
You should dump him, unless he was just kidding around.

Reply

Lmao_xD | 0

#417706 - Wednesday 22 July 2009 1:37

Hes a jerk.

Reply

bgukusa00 | 0

#418611 - Wednesday 22 July 2009 9:58

well if she is ugly then itz kind of her own fault not the bf

Reply

quantum_insanity | 0

#418671 - Wednesday 22 July 2009 10:48

how is being ugly anyone's fault??

Reply

Polionixon | 2

#420177 - Thursday 23 July 2009 0:38

seriously wut? being ugly is her fault? hahahahahahahahaahahahA GENETICS BITCH!

Reply

Saromo | 0

#426756 - Saturday 25 July 2009 2:50

I second that.

Reply

drzhottie148 | 0

#431774 - Sunday 26 July 2009 23:46

I would have been like" It's over you son of a whore."

Reply

aidsgiver247 | 0

#478109 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 23:42

i would have been like ' YOUR MUMS A FUCKING SLUTBAG, YOU ARE HER SON. YOU SON OF A FUCKING SLUTBAG.FYM.fuck your fucking mum.'

Reply

RachelTheLoser | 0

#1169283 - Sunday 1 August 2010 5:32

agree with 95 and 33 (:

By DirtyParkBench | 0

#416188 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 16:06

Ahh, wow. FML. Who was he picturing before, then?

Reply

cherry_blossom | 0

#416224 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 16:14

for real!

Reply

Yoshi8466 | 0

#418297 - Wednesday 22 July 2009 6:10

Thats a good question!

Reply

thepatty8474 | 10

#3424604 - Thursday 13 October 2011 3:21

Her sister...?
Or her mom...?
Or her dad.... O.o

Reply

riax | 9

#4558292 - Tuesday 12 June 2012 18:49

Yes, bcoz in op's eyes, his dad has more sex appeal than his gf

Reply

riax | 9

#4558306 - Tuesday 12 June 2012 18:50

I wish there was a delete comment button on fml....

Reply

NotRussian | 16

#6582932 - Monday 18 April 2016 16:21

Obviously Scarlet Johansen cause in reality, who isn't?

By honda1 | 0

#416189 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 16:06

What a dick head!

By L0veh8te | 0

#416190 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 16:06

lOL, Wife is smart.

By lawlfyl | 0

#416193 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 16:07

Wow......that sucks. Lmao.

By JessTrek | 0

#416200 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 16:08

Oh no! Hahahahaha. Hopefully he was kidding...but for some reason I don't think he was. Sucks to be you.

By mrlucky4444 | 0

#416201 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 16:08

LOL FYL

By tay7 | 0

#416203 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 16:09

your boyfriend seems like a jerk..
id dump him.

By JackieT | 0

#416218 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 16:12

ydi for being ugle/fat

lol j/k

Reply

RJB | 0

#416232 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 16:16

ydi for not spelling "ugly" right. lol
she may not be ugly but maybe she is alittle ugly down under.. if u know wht i mean

By LightYagami_fml | 0

#416228 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 16:16

Ouch D: