Intimacy: Today, my boyfriend and I were on the phone. He started talking... - FML

By picturemenakedbaby - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were on the phone. He started talking dirty, and saying how horny he was, etc. So I decided to play along and said "I want you to picture me naked, baby." All of a sudden I heard a huge sigh. He responded, "Ew, that just killed it." FML

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Serious times

Always call first

Keep your enemies closer

By stillyoung - Australia

Today, I discovered that the upside of losing weight is that men have started hitting on me. The downside? They're all twice my age. FML

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By bloodyLIP - United States

Today, I learned the hard way that an ice cube is capable of ripping the skin off your bottom lip. FML

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By ShittyProposal - United States - Columbus

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years drunkenly proposed to me, while sitting on the crapper, with the door open. FML

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By asdfBUTT - United States

Today, I went swimming in a pond. I came out covered in leeches. Terrified, I screamed, flailed about and cried out for help until half a dozen people ran over. One of them was kind enough to point out that those leeches I was so afraid of were actually patches of mud. FML

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By no selfie for me - United States - Pasadena

Today, I was at the park unsuccessfully trying to take a selfie. A stranger walked up to me and offered to take the picture for me. I agreed and gave him my phone. He took it and ran off. FML

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By DerrickUhl - United States - Napa

Today, I finally turned 21 so my friends and I decided to go to a club. There, I met this hot waitress and we were really hitting it off. I decided to order a drink. She replied with, "No problem, kiddo." FML

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By Broke - United States - The Colony

Today, I went to an ATM to see how much money I had in my account. I put the card in. It never gave it back. FML

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By cmerr - United States

Today, I decided to surprise my boyfriend at his college and when I walked into the dorm he was lying in his bed with another girl. When he saw me he simply said, "April Fool's!" It's March 19th. FML

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By lk26 - United States

Today, I went to my car to discover a note on the windshield from the city telling me that they had hit my car. On top of that note was a parking ticket, also from the city. FML

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By chill - United States

Today, my grandpa sent me a letter apologizing for not congratulating me about my graduation last spring. Too bad I don't graduate until May. FML

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By bethany - Australia

Today, my drunk sister came in my room at 2 in the morning, sat on the side of my bed, fell off, knocked over my glass of water, which ruined my new phone, then got angry at me for getting angry with her. She then slammed my door, which made all the photo frames smash to the ground. FML

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By Z88 - South Africa

Today, a customer came into the music shop I work in to look at guitars. After calling the customer "Dude," and "Man," numerous times, they stalked off suddenly. When I asked if everything was okay, they responded with, "I'm female, you asshole!" FML

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By Hurtingincanada

Today, I woke up with bronchitis and hemorrhoids. I'm getting married in 3 days. FML

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By Derek Lee - United States

Today, I sold my Xbox 360 on Craigslist. I met the dude at the mall. I gave him my Xbox and a handshake for buying. I left without the money. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I got into a heated argument with my girlfriend. Not because of anything I did, but because she actually believes that pasteurization is when a pastor blesses a dairy product. "You know, like kosher." FML

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By rhartnett11 - United States

Today, while trying on clothes in Macy's, someone decided to throw some shoes over the wall and into my changing stall. I now have a black eye. FML

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By JazzSpazz - United States

Today, I had a horrible breakup with my girlfriend of two years. Depressed, I changed my Facebook status to, "Hate me today, hate me tomorrow, hate me for all the things I didn't do for you." My ex commented, "Give me an orgasm?" Five of my friends, including my mom, liked this. FML

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By angela - United States

Today, I thought my face was breaking out with pimples, and I thought it was weird because I never break out. And I noticed all these "bug bites" all over my body. When I got home, I realized those weren't bug bites. I have chicken pox, and my high school graduation is tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Irvine

Today, my former high school bully became my manager. FML

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By branded - United States

Today, I found out the tattoo signifying my marriage turned out to be more permanent than the marriage itself. FML

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By thebravelittletoaster - United Kingdom

Today, the estranged crumbs in my toaster caught light while I was making breakfast. The toast, toaster, and my wooden bench are now little more than collateral damage. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I met up with my group for class. We were doing some final checks on the project we've been working on all semester, when I realized something about one guy's work seemed off. I googled it and found out it's almost completely plagiarized. It's all due in the morning. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Port Lavaca

Today, it's been three weeks since my dad finished growing what he calls a "Jesus beard" and gone out asking for donations and claiming to be Jesus Christ. I've been trying and failing to get a job for 2 years, and he's already raking in cash from gullible idiots. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while laying in bed trying to go to sleep, I listened to the chirping crickets and appreciated how soothing the sounds were. Then I realized I lived on the 8th floor of an apartment building. Turns out my brother's science project got into my room and multiplied... a lot. FML

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By Pierce - United States

Today, I was with my 14 year old son when we saw a baby sparrow being attacked by four or five blackbirds. We rushed up, waving our arms and scared away the much bigger attackers. The baby sparrow ran toward us for protection, then went past both of us and ran straight down a storm sewer. FML

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By Unfortunately Me - United States - San Jose

Today, I was asked to go to a ball by the guy I like. The theme is masquerade. He made me a Robin mask; he's wearing a Batman mask. FML

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By socialbanana - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, after getting up at 6 a.m., fighting with the dogs to wipe their paws off from the snow, and having to wait for a moving truck to move so I could get to work by 8, I got a call from my boss saying we were closed due to weather. It was 8:15. I was already there. FML

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By BelleCharmante - United States

Today, I couldn't shut a drawer in my kitchen, because an oven mitt was blocking it. An oven mitt filled with tin-foil wrapped electronics. My Mom believes Internet hackers can get into her digital camera and prepaid cell phone, and apparently tin-foil will prevent that. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/3/2020 17:23

Class act

Today, after 5 years, an engagement, and me being 5 months pregnant, my boyfriend downloaded Tinder again. 2020 is really great. FML

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By roseland - United States - Hilton

Today, my boyfriend nicknamed my vagina after a local waterpark. It wasn't even that annoying until his friends started asking me how much I charged to let people "ride n' slide". FML

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By atang - United States

Today, I was leaving a clothing store when the security guard stopped me and demanded that I surrender the clothing I was "trying to steal" by hiding it under my shirt. It turns out, he was just looking at my pot belly. FML

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By Mavis - Canada

Today, I received an email invitation to a dating web site. It was from my father-in-law. FML

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By FML - United States - Houston

Today, I got robbed. I just moved so I didn't have much in my new house. They did decide that my cat was valuable enough to steal. FML

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By milkybear - United States

Today, I went to a party where I met an amazing guy. After having great conversation all night and what I thought was a serious connection, I leaned in to kiss him. He screamed, forcefully pushed my face away with his hand, and said he was gay. FML

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By LimpMcgee - United States

Today, I went to go use an automatic cart in Walmart because I broke my hip in January. They were all being used by morbidly obese people throughout the store. I asked a manager if she could get me one, but apparently their weight issues are more impeding than my broken hip. FML

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By Dandy

Today, after having given up video games for two weeks to focus on school, I finished my last exam of the semester and finally became free. I got home to find that Steam is down worldwide. I just received an email saying every game on my wish list is on sale, but I can't log in. FML

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By yashmoshin1 - United States

Today, I finished the run for a play in which I played a gay man. Now that all the performances are over, I have kissed a man more times in my life than I have kissed a woman. I'm straight. FML

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By Invisible

Today, I realized how little my husband, son and I mean to my in-laws. We were somehow left off the distribution list for my sister-in-law's birthday party. I even texted her to wish her well. It wouldn't be so bad if this wasn't the fifth consecutive family event we were left out of. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I'm the only one at work in a small office. The water tank sprung a leak. Guess who had to call the boss and get instructions via cell phone to turn it off? I can't even leave the office to change my soaked clothes, because I need to wait for an important phone call. Seven hours to go. FML

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By lindsaykay - United States

Today, I had to put one of my preschool students in timeout for masturbating during nap time. FML

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Top comments

By genius_man16 | 0

#416187 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 16:06

Your boyfriend is kind of a dick. Kidding or not.

By DirtyParkBench | 0

#416188 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 16:06

Ahh, wow. FML. Who was he picturing before, then?

COMMENTS

By genius_man16 | 0

#416187 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 16:06

Your boyfriend is kind of a dick. Kidding or not.

Reply

crazychika | 0

#416243 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 16:19

Agreed, he's definitely a douche. Dump the basterd for not respecting you, or considering your feelings.

Reply

littlegolferboy | 4

#416360 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 16:58

I think dumping him would be a bit harsh, but he definitely needs something like a punch in the stomach for being such a jerk.

Reply

Anonanimal | 0

#416440 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 17:27

sack him next time you see him

Reply

Toni818 | 0

#416734 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 19:36

Why? You can't force attraction.
He's a moron for being with someone he's not attracted to, but he's not a dick.

Reply

ChrisWasHere | 0

#417060 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 21:41

For sure. And, to the OP: He's your boyfriend. The thought of my girlfriend naked would get me horny..
You should dump him, unless he was just kidding around.

Reply

Lmao_xD | 0

#417706 - Wednesday 22 July 2009 1:37

Hes a jerk.

Reply

bgukusa00 | 0

#418611 - Wednesday 22 July 2009 9:58

well if she is ugly then itz kind of her own fault not the bf

Reply

quantum_insanity | 0

#418671 - Wednesday 22 July 2009 10:48

how is being ugly anyone's fault??

Reply

Polionixon | 2

#420177 - Thursday 23 July 2009 0:38

seriously wut? being ugly is her fault? hahahahahahahahaahahahA GENETICS BITCH!

Reply

Saromo | 0

#426756 - Saturday 25 July 2009 2:50

I second that.

Reply

drzhottie148 | 0

#431774 - Sunday 26 July 2009 23:46

I would have been like" It's over you son of a whore."

Reply

aidsgiver247 | 0

#478109 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 23:42

i would have been like ' YOUR MUMS A FUCKING SLUTBAG, YOU ARE HER SON. YOU SON OF A FUCKING SLUTBAG.FYM.fuck your fucking mum.'

Reply

RachelTheLoser | 0

#1169283 - Sunday 1 August 2010 5:32

agree with 95 and 33 (:

By DirtyParkBench | 0

#416188 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 16:06

Ahh, wow. FML. Who was he picturing before, then?

Reply

cherry_blossom | 0

#416224 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 16:14

for real!

Reply

Yoshi8466 | 0

#418297 - Wednesday 22 July 2009 6:10

Thats a good question!

Reply

thepatty8474 | 10

#3424604 - Thursday 13 October 2011 3:21

Her sister...?
Or her mom...?
Or her dad.... O.o

Reply

riax | 9

#4558292 - Tuesday 12 June 2012 18:49

Yes, bcoz in op's eyes, his dad has more sex appeal than his gf

Reply

riax | 9

#4558306 - Tuesday 12 June 2012 18:50

I wish there was a delete comment button on fml....

Reply

NotRussian | 16

#6582932 - Monday 18 April 2016 16:21

Obviously Scarlet Johansen cause in reality, who isn't?

By honda1 | 0

#416189 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 16:06

What a dick head!

By L0veh8te | 0

#416190 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 16:06

lOL, Wife is smart.

By lawlfyl | 0

#416193 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 16:07

Wow......that sucks. Lmao.

By JessTrek | 0

#416200 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 16:08

Oh no! Hahahahaha. Hopefully he was kidding...but for some reason I don't think he was. Sucks to be you.

By mrlucky4444 | 0

#416201 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 16:08

LOL FYL

By tay7 | 0

#416203 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 16:09

your boyfriend seems like a jerk..
id dump him.

By JackieT | 0

#416218 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 16:12

ydi for being ugle/fat

lol j/k

Reply

RJB | 0

#416232 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 16:16

ydi for not spelling "ugly" right. lol
she may not be ugly but maybe she is alittle ugly down under.. if u know wht i mean

By LightYagami_fml | 0

#416228 - Tuesday 21 July 2009 16:16

Ouch D: