Animals: Today, I realized after I wrapped myself in a blanket that it...

29/11/2018 02:53

Today, I realized after I wrapped myself in a blanket that it was my cat's "humping blanket". FML

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You deserved it 762

Alaina Heuerman tells us more.

Alaina Heuerman 20

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Thursday 22 November 2018 14:46

Alright I didn’t really wanna follow up but I need to clarify. HE IS NEUTERED he has been since we got him. Also that was my blanket but it very recently became humping blanket 2. Let’s just say he really likes soft fluffy blankets. So all of mine... (yes that’s him in my profile pic btw)

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Pissed

09/12/2009 07:39 - United States

Today, my greatgrandpa came over for dinner. Halfway through the meal, he pooped himself. My family went through the rest of the meal acting like we hadn't noticed to avoid embarassment. As it was coming to an end, my sister came home and immediately yelled, "Ew! Did someone poop?" He cried. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 328

You deserved it 3 117

03/12/2009 07:33 - United States

Today, I turned eighteen. Thinking I was going to get a big present from my parents on this special day, I eagerly unwrapped my present. They got me a bag of M and M's. Last year I got flannel bed sheets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 857

You deserved it 4 700

20/11/2011 00:21 - United States

Today, I went outside for a cigarette since I don't like smoking in the house. When I was done, I stomped it out. I wasn't wearing shoes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 097

You deserved it 66 059

09/03/2015 12:15 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I told my Dad I was an alcoholic and had decided to seek help. His reply, "Don't stop drinking, you are the life of the party, funny and beautiful when you drink." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 285

You deserved it 3 501

What's updog?

By bu09 - 07/03/2009 20:34 - United States

Today, all of my friends and teachers asked me what was wrong because I looked sad and tired. One kid even said that I looked like "an abused housewife the day after." I was fine. It was the first time I went to school without wearing any makeup. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 320

You deserved it 9 652

27/01/2015 11:45

Today, returning home from a party, I realised I'd forgotten my keys. My roommate was sleeping so soundly that after an hour of throwing gravel and ringing the doorbell, I had to give up and get a room at the hotel over the road. For €85 I had a view of my room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 944

You deserved it 6 249

23/11/2011 03:21

Today, while jogging, I heard an odd clapping sound over the sound of my iPod. I stopped running, and the sound stopped. This continued for an hour before I realized the slapping sound was my thighs slapping together violently. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 271

You deserved it 11 841

17/06/2013 05:54 - United States

Today, I lost my virginity. Not only did my parents somehow find out, they posted about it on Facebook. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 248

You deserved it 11 238

01/03/2014 08:23 - United States - Louisville

Today, I told my husband to give our dog a bath while I was at work. When I returned home, I found my dog, along with my husband, in the bath together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 281

You deserved it 10 340

25/09/2015 17:47 - United States - Romeoville

Today, I had to listen to my coworker complain about how working 19 hours a week leaves her with no time to go to the doctor and get her bronchitis treated. Meanwhile I work 40 hours a week, as well as doing 18 credit hours at school, and she refuses to cover her mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 645

You deserved it 1 737

16/04/2012 15:52 - Puerto Rico - San Juan

Today, I was fixing a leak in the roof. When I was climbing down the ladder, it fell, but I managed to grab the ledge of the roof. The ladder hit my wife's car, then I fell on top of the ladder. My wife came running out to ask what happened to the car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 577

You deserved it 2 668

28/01/2016 11:42 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, it was an extremely hot day so I hit up the beach for a swim. Just as I entered the water, the first wave approached me. I tried to jump it and lost my footing, managing to dislocate my hip. I had to be dragged from the water by the lifeguards. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 351

You deserved it 2 295

02/09/2009 08:41 - United States

Today, I was hanging out with a co-worker who I really liked. One thing led to another and we ended up going to her house and hooked up. Once we'd finished, I noticed another co-workers ID on the floor by her bed. I asked her about it and she said he must have dropped it there last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 519

You deserved it 8 809

20/11/2012 03:19 - Sweden - Stockholm

Today, my long-distance boyfriend and I decided to be a bit naughty on Skype. It was 3am so we assumed that my dad was asleep and did some dirty talk. When we were done, I heard my dad laughing outside my room; he'd heard it all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 366

You deserved it 17 324

24/05/2012 19:23 - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Today, I was eating lunch, and accidentally got ketchup on the sofa, so I hastily doused it with stain remover. The ketchup is now no longer there; however there is a larger stain in its place. I stained the sofa with stain remover. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 215

You deserved it 4 721

18/06/2013 18:00 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was visiting my childhood home, and I checked out my old treehouse. A family of skunks had made it their home, and I was promptly sprayed upon entering. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 314

You deserved it 7 053

Rude !

By geo - 26/05/2021 22:01

Today, I’m a cashier and I put a lady’s change on the counter instead of in her hand. She then hissed at me for being rude. When I explained to her that I have never heard that it’s rude to do that, her response was, "Are you kidding me!? You should have been BORN knowing that!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 922

You deserved it 216

Time to move out!

By tsunami - 10/09/2018 03:30

Today, my mother took my brand new PS4, which I haven't even played yet, and threw it out the window while I was at work. When I asked her why, she said she was mad that we didn't have any paper towels left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 727

You deserved it 221

22/03/2011 14:59 - United States

Today, my wife created a "Points Reward" system for the privilege of sex. 10 points for doing the dishes, 20 for the laundry, etc. How many points do I need before I can have sex with her? 2300. FML

I agree, your life sucks 77 979

You deserved it 17 005

23/09/2010 09:59 - United States

Today, I went to my parents' place to visit. My ex-boyfriend's photo is on the fridge, but there aren't any photos of my husband or any of our wedding photos. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 262

You deserved it 2 973

24/04/2011 23:49 - United States

Today, while skiing on Mammoth Mountain, a man dressed in an Easter Bunny costume snowboarded into me and sent me flying. Not only did he hurt my wrist, he also threw an Easter egg at me, yelled "Happy Easter", and snowboarded away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 980

You deserved it 4 310

27/10/2013 01:23 - United States - Essex Junction

Today, I invited my boyfriend over to meet my new puppy. My dog decided to take a dump on his lap. He is now not talking to me because he thinks I trained my dog to do that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 458

You deserved it 4 480

Whoomp whoomp

By Anonymous - 01/04/2009 04:17 - United States

Today, I stopped by the gas station. As I was filling up I noticed a cute guy at the pump next to me. When I was done, I gave him a wink before opening my car door. It was locked. I had to call my Dad to bring my spare keys. The guy was laughing the whole time as I waited for my Dad to show up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 670

You deserved it 54 381

All is fair in love and war

By Backstabbinghxx - 15/10/2021 20:00

Today, my best friend got engaged. I would be happy for her, if it wasn’t for the fact that her fiancé was my boyfriend just 2 months ago. Upon hearing the news, I severed all ties with her. She ended up bitching me out and calling me selfish for being upset. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 228

You deserved it 92

27/09/2016 10:15 - Australia - Glen Waverley

Today, while commuting to work on a peak hour train, I lost my balance and accidentally grabbed a bald mans head to steady myself. To make matters worse, the words "oh gosh, I'm so sorry. I thought you were a knob" came out of my mouth before I could think about what I was saying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 166

You deserved it 1 957

Squirt

By Anonymous - 11/10/2009 04:48 - United States

Today, I had a UTI and the doctor said the medicine can sometimes make you leak a little. "Leak a little" apparently translates into peeing all over myself, my boyfriend, and his bed while we were sleeping. The doctor also said this medicine can stain your urine a beautiful, bright orange color. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 350

You deserved it 2 967

Birthday blues

By omaha24 - 29/04/2020 02:00

Today, my loneliness pushed me to buy a pack of cigarettes just so I had to show my ID to the clerk, hoping he would wish me a happy birthday. I don't even smoke and he didn't say anything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 478

You deserved it 495

24/09/2012 04:32 - United States - El Macero

Today, a very attractive man asked me out. I'd have been flattered if I weren't the nurse assigned to his laboring wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 280

You deserved it 1 757

12/11/2010 11:06 - Switzerland

Today, I went to a coffee shop to meet an online date. I couldn't spot him, so he eventually came up and introduced himself. It seems his on-line picture must have been taken before I was born. I spluttered "This isn't going to work," and promptly scuttled out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 997

You deserved it 11 289

20/02/2009 05:27 - United States

Today, I went to Macy's to go shopping, I was wearing a shirt and tie and dressed nicely. Customers came up to me with questions, but I just ignored them. Minutes later, thinking I was an employee, the manager came and yelled at me, and threatened to fire me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 350

You deserved it 11 796

23/05/2019 02:00

Today, I yet again had to explain to my boyfriend how sleeping with another person is cheating. It's been three days, and almost as many fights. He still doesn't get it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 842

You deserved it 800

16/09/2018 06:00

Today, as things were getting hot with my girlfriend, it came up that I'm a virgin. She broke up with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 753

You deserved it 323

03/03/2015 15:34 - Europe

Today, I got a laptop for my birthday. I was thrilled until I realized that my mom had given away my old one without asking. 6 years of games, music, and pictures down the drain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 372

You deserved it 2 731

01/04/2017 08:00 - United States

Today, I attended a formal dinner with donors to my university. While looking at a much older lady's nametag to see who she was, I was publicly accused of looking at her breasts. Now a bunch of people I was supposed to impress think I'm a pervert. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 903

You deserved it 628

24/08/2016 23:41 - United States - Kingman

Today, I sat down for class. The second I sat down, the guy next to me stood up and moved all the way to the other side of the class. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 558

You deserved it 1 276

28/08/2009 04:42 - United States

Today, my mom told me she was getting tired of that smell of marijuana in the house. So I confess and tell her I will never bring it home again. She was talking about my neighbors. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 226

You deserved it 67 595

30/05/2015 10:59 - United Kingdom

Today, tears and 3 hours on the toilet have made me reevaluate my desire for new culinary experiences. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 834

You deserved it 2 789

08/12/2010 08:46

Today, I was messing around in my boyfriend's pants while watching TV. He was totally absorbed in the fishing show that was on. When the guy lost a fish, he got so disappointed that he became completely flaccid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 259

You deserved it 5 979

27/07/2019 20:00

Today, while on a road trip, I went to the bathroom at a gas station and locked the door. Turns out the lock was automatic and I'd actually unlocked it. My mom walked in on me, but instead of apologizing and leaving, she yelled at me in the middle of the gas station. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 561

You deserved it 159

Thanks mom, you're the best

By prego - 30/04/2009 02:03 - United States

Today, I called my mom into my room to ask her to bring me something. She referred to me as a "lazy fat slug." I'm 38 weeks pregnant and was put on emergency bedrest by my doctor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 736

You deserved it 4 869

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Top comments

RichardPencil 30

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Wednesday 21 November 2018 6:15

Try not to snort the cum and then cough it up. It’s been done.

RichardPencil 30

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Wednesday 21 November 2018 6:51

I beg to differ. The Spay/Neuter Clinic is the OPs best friend.

sunnyray812 42

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Wednesday 21 November 2018 5:08

The shower is your best friend.

RichardPencil 30

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Wednesday 21 November 2018 6:51

I beg to differ. The Spay/Neuter Clinic is the OPs best friend.

sunnyray812 42

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Wednesday 21 November 2018 22:30

You're right. Think about the long term.

whiskey'swino 15

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Wednesday 21 November 2018 5:40

That is the wrong way to get some pussy.

Gofuckyourself 24

Monday 14 January 2019 8:28

HAHAHAHAHAHA you read my mind!

manb91uk 22

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Wednesday 21 November 2018 6:07

Should have neutered him...

Shawnie Gallant 24

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Wednesday 21 November 2018 9:09

Cat is probably neutered, I don’t think you understand that it’s a behaviour that needs scolded to really get rid of it.

manb91uk 22

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Wednesday 21 November 2018 9:35

I've been a cat owner since I was 6, once their bollocks are gone, they don't have a sex drive. Also, no balls, no fluid

PhoenixChick 26

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Saturday 1 December 2018 4:12

Owning one clearly does make you a master of the species. Humping becomes a habit that can continue well past neutering in many animals including cats. Instinctive behavior can overrade lack of balls, not to mention dominance displays.

SquirrellyGirl 20

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Tuesday 4 December 2018 2:59

My ten-year-old neutered cat humps daily. He has yet to grow out of it.

RichardPencil 30

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Wednesday 21 November 2018 6:15

Try not to snort the cum and then cough it up. It’s been done.

Shawnie Gallant 24

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Wednesday 21 November 2018 9:10

I’ve met humping cats without balls. You need to train it out, with cats I have no idea how to train it out. Spray? Regardless, ew keep that somewhere so you don’t mistake it again.

Shawnie Gallant 24

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Wednesday 21 November 2018 9:13

Of course I forgot shit. My cats never jumped, Ive met some who have, I trained off commands with my cats to stop bad behaviours. Just work on your cat.

Glowworm56 25

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Wednesday 21 November 2018 13:40

That reminds me of the Gain commercial where the guy uses the dog's towel.

Migole 36

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Wednesday 21 November 2018 15:35

YDI for not neutering

Charlie Given 24

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Thursday 22 November 2018 1:41

Ok when animals are neutered or spayed they do not remove the internal sex organs all they do is remove the penis bone for males and they give a tubular for the females AKA tying their tubes

Squidgegg 4

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Friday 23 November 2018 1:26

You're entirely wrong there. When spaying the ovaries and uterus is removed (sometimes just the ovaries, but usually both). When neutering a male cat, the testes are removed. The baculum (penis bone) is not.