I&#039;m a meme

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Today, I left my phone outside on the grass while I went inside to get a drink. I didn't expect my dad to run over it with the lawn mower. FML

Does it taste good?

Honesty is the best policy

Don't give up

By RiceCrispyTreats - 1/9/2015 16:46 - United States - Pelham

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Today, I was training a new volunteer at a clothing donation center. While explaining how to sort donations, I reached into a garbage bag full of clothes and something on my hand caught my eye. It was a bed bug. The bag was full of them and they sought refuge up my arm. FML

By Anonymous - 24/6/2018 15:00

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255

Today, I got news that I had "delighted a customer" so I looked at the review online. It says, "The fat girl up front was nice." FML

By Tori - 30/12/2017 19:00

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Today, I ran 5 miles to catch the bus I take to university after missing my connection. When I got to the bus stop, I realized I had left my U-Pass on my desk at home. On top of the assignment that was due. FML

By noooooo - 22/1/2010 07:32 - Canada

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8422

Today, I was working the register at a local grocery store. A kid about 5 years old was having trouble zipping his jacket. I reached out to help him and he started screaming "No bad touch bad touch!" and kicked me in the knee. Everyone looked. FML

By jessica - 17/2/2009 23:56 - United States

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9423

Today, after 3 weeks of hard work, I finally finished painting my room. Apparently my 6-year-old brother thought I wasn't done and that he should help me out. I now have little red handprints all over my white walls. FML

By LittleArtist - 18/2/2014 01:01 - United States - Bessemer

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Today, I let my son take my car out for a spin, since he just got his licence. He didn't make it out of our street before totaling it. FML

By Anonymous - 9/8/2013 14:22 - Canada - Langley

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Today, this guy took me to Denny's on a first date and used a 2 for 1 coupon. It was expired. I paid. FML

By Nator - 9/2/2009 15:31 - United States

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Today, I marched in the St. Patrick's day parade. My horn has an inconveniently-placed spit valve that has to be drained frequently. At the end, I discovered every time I emptied it, it would spray all over the front of my pants. I marched an entire parade looking like I pissed my pants. FML

By Bandking - 17/3/2014 21:48 - United States - Cleveland

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Today, I found out that if you see a tray with some black stuff in it and you can't decide whether it's powdered black pepper or cigarette ashes, it's not a good idea to taste it. FML

By Leigha - 2/1/2012 02:14 - Trinidad and Tobago

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Today, my dog wanted to go upstairs, but she has stitches and was having trouble. So I carried her to the top, at which point she peed all over my carpet. FML

By raven_teen_titan - 4/3/2012 05:51 - United States

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Today, I held a presentation about my masters thesis. Turns out, my professor never ever actually read the drafts I'd given him, but decided to rip me to pieces in front of everyone, saying that the topic isn't worth researching. I've been working on it for six months. FML

By nograd4mee - 8/12/2010 10:30 - Germany

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Today, I went to meet my boyfriend's parents for the first time. His mother, seconds upon meeting me, gave me a hug, smiled at me, and said: "It's so nice to finally meet you! All I ever hear is 'Emma this', and 'Emma that', 'I love Emma!'. He never stops talking about you!" My name's not Emma. FML

By - 3/1/2020 18:33

Official meeting

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Today, I was tidying my room when my gran came in and offered to help. I said I didn't need any, but she started going through it anyway. She found a tube of "Very Cherry" lube and asked what it was. I subtly tore off the label and tried to convince her it was a face mask. She's taken it to try it out tonight. FML

By Dilly - 10/10/2010 20:29 - United Kingdom

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Today, my boss was telling everyone that he knew a guy who went to a college at which multiple people were shot and killed recently. Being extremely socially awkward and uncomfortable, I blurted, "That's awesome." Now everyone in the office is terrified of me. FML

By Adan - 4/12/2012 21:34 - United States - Monroe

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Today, my grandmother called. She greeted me by my mother's name. When I told her it was not my mother, she apologized and corrected herself, but this time she addressed me as my sister. When I told her it was not my sister either, she said "Sorry, wrong number" and hung up. FML

By fuckthat - 18/2/2009 05:08 - United States

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Today, I sent a dude a snapchat of my food. He responded with a video of him taking a shower, nude. FML

By GoulashQueen - 8/12/2019 01:00 - Australia - Brunswick

Good food

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456

Today, I was driving along when I saw a hot girl walking. I decided to impress her by doing a 180 degree turn. Successfully pulling off my trick, I decided to back up so I could go the right way. Not looking behind, I backed up and smashed into a wall. FML

By Anonymous - 26/6/2010 13:24 - Tanzania United Republic of

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Today, my parents bought me a wine glass with "Who needs a man?" painted all over it. Cute, until after dinner my mom looked me in the eyes and asked with complete sincerity, "Kara, are you gay?" My parents tried to get me to come out. I'm straight. FML

By pa - 21/5/2009 13:06 - United States

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Today, my elderly neighbor used his snowblower to send all of the fallen leaves in his yard into mine, which I'd raked earlier that morning. FML

By leaf hater - 17/11/2011 12:43 - United States

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Today, a bunch of my friends have been accepted to various colleges while I've been denied to the past 5. To cheer me up, my mom drove me to McDonald's. While we were in the drive-thru, she asked them if they had any job openings. FML

By pwib - 18/3/2012 07:07 - United States - Napa

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Today, I got rear ended. The guy flashed his lights at me to pull over, so I pulled into the side of the road. He drove away. FML

By - 1/1/2019 11:00 - United States - Spokane

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Today, I finished and turned in the last of the seventeen major projects for the company I work for. As I was walking out of my bosses office, I hear her ask her assistant "She finished everything we didn't want to do, can we fire her now?" FML

By inpuredeceit - 17/3/2011 23:37 - United States

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Today, my mom tried to ground me. In the apartment that I own. Because I didn't eat enough of the dinner that I'd made. FML

By Anonymous - 16/6/2017 06:00 - United States - North Olmsted

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Today, I wore my first thong, which I bought weeks ago but was only just now brave enough to wear. As I was leaving, my little brother decided I really needed a wedgie. The thong garrotted my bum hole and I now have toilet paper up there because it won't stop bleeding. FML

By cat cat - 13/7/2018 01:30

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Today, my son tried to swat a fly with a hammer. Our apartment walls are now littered with dents and holes. FML

By flustered - 6/5/2012 14:57 - United States - Rapid City

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Today, I'm on a residential trip for 4 days with 72 children, 5 other staff and 72 sets of parents who want to be on the phone to me constantly. FML

By sunny_funny - 23/3/2017 19:00 - Cyprus - Nicosia

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Today, I was playing in a basketball game and blocked this kid's shot. I was really pumped up about it until I realized the kid had cerebral palsy and the coach put him on the team because he really wanted to be on at least one team in his life. FML

By jalapenos99 - 2/4/2009 00:36 - United States

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Today, I was in the middle of an interview; it was going great until I started coughing. That coughing led to an asthma attack, which led to nonstop gagging. I couldn't even answer his final question, "Are you okay?" FML

By Anonymous - 13/12/2013 03:47 - United States

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Today, a customer told me it was bullshit we couldn't serve coffee because of the COVID restrictions, and added that the protests and riots happening are because people are bored. FML

By Oragami - 12/6/2020 14:07

Galaxy brain take

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Today, I tripped and fell going up the stairs, not once, but twice at work as I was leading customers through our building. I actually got bruises. FML

By Anonymous - 13/8/2019 04:00

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Today, I was making out with my boyfriend. When we took a break and went downstairs, he checked the mail. He had received a letter from his ex-girlfriend, which he opened in front of me. He then began sobbing on my shoulder and broke up with me. He still had to drive me home. FML

By Awkwardly_dumped - 21/8/2018 14:30

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Today, I had a volleyball game, and we were down by 13 points. I looked up at the crowd, and my mom was shaking her head in disappointment. When it was my turn to serve, I aced them, and tied the score. When I looked up she was gone. She'd left. When I got home, I heard how I sucked for an hour. FML

By Lexi801 - 19/9/2014 01:56 - United States - Salt Lake City

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Today, I thought I felt something itch my butt as I sat down on the toilet. Sure it was just my imagination, I did my business. When I was done I saw there were 4 cockroaches crawling under the seat. FML

By lingadoo - 7/12/2012 05:46 - Kuwait - Kuwait

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Today, I fell asleep in class. As a joke, my professor used an airhorn to wake me up. I got so freaked out that I punched the girl next to me in the face. She got knocked out. FML

By Anonymous - 23/3/2009 19:06 - United States

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Today, the highlight of my day was when I figured out that my little brother's toy dump truck could actually dump stuff out. I'm 18. FML

By LarissaT18 - 2/2/2014 16:13 - United States - Reynoldsburg

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Today, I went to my car to discover a note on the windshield from the city telling me that they had hit my car. On top of that note was a parking ticket, also from the city. FML

By lk26 - 8/2/2009 05:32 - United States

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Today, my mother got a call from our old high school saying that they had fifteen freshmen boys in his office with a nude photo of me on their phones. I had sent that photo only to my boyfriend. Apparently he loves to share me. FML

By fmlisthebomb - 1/3/2009 06:58 - United States

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Today, I was kicked out of my aunt's house for being 15 minutes late for her to pick me up. She told me she doesn't want me to come home and left me in a panicked mess. My sister and brother are on her side and refuse to talk to me. I'm now couch surfing. FML

By homelesslyf - 30/12/2019 22:00 - Australia - Clayton

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Phew, glad it wasn't me

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Today, I had my first blow job. My girlfriend thought it would be sexy to "caress" my ball sack. By caress she meant bitch slap from side to side. FML

By BeboKhaos - 4/8/2009 02:37 - United States

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