I&#039;m a meme

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Today, I was sewing a top. Due to a mistake, I had to unstitch the zipper and resew it. When I was almost done, I noticed that the zipper was upside down. FML

Taking stock

There's no helping some people

Or he's just becoming an old goober

By Seamstressed - Italy

It's called fashion, OK? Look it up.

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1229

Today, I finally started exercising. I'm a rather obese person and I'm super pumped up to finally get off my lazy butt and lose some weight. Locking myself in my room, I first started with a very simple exercise: jumping jacks. I farted each time I jumped. I jumped 10 times. FML

By thatonesilentkidinclass - Philippines - San Juan

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12101

Today, at a family dinner, my mother-in-law talked me into showing off some moves that I've learned in martial arts. I gently did a restraining hold on her. She screamed that I was trying to break her wrists, and kept the wounded act up all night, smirking as everyone gave me death glares. FML

By -_- - United States - Munith

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5193

Today, I was supposed to be going to Edinburgh to see my favourite band live. I was expecting to be picked up at 8 a.m. for the drive there, but I woke up to a text saying my friend bought tickets for the wrong city. The show he paid was for 2 days ago. FML

By Anonymous

We hear it was a great show!

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Today, I asked my girlfriend to talk dirty to me. Her response was to impersonate a saxophone. FML

By ihatejasonderulo - United Kingdom - Hounslow

Careless Whisper

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Today, my friend dragged me out of a movie because they swore a bit and there was drug use. Apparently, she's a Mormon now, and, "doesn't want her values compromised." This from the same girl who tried to get me to try crack a few weeks ago. FML

By Anonymous - 18/7/2020 05:01

Judge not

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Today, I got a separation agreement from my wife. It was sent from the lawyer she spent the long weekend with right before she told me it was over. FML

By Glutton for Punishment. - France

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Today, while waiting to do a presentation in class I felt someone flick my back, but when I turned around no one was there. It wasn't until I got up in front of the whole class that I felt my bra slowly sliding down my body. Turns out that the "flick" I felt was actually my bra clasp busting open. FML

By thewordsicantsay - Canada

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Today, I discovered that head lice shampoo can remove the dye from your hair. FML

By creepingjennie - 7/6/2020 02:11

Because I'm worth it

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Today, my daughter was feeling sick. She threw up on the floor. As I was cleaning up her vomit, she threw up on my head. Twice. FML

By laurwitharawr - United States

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4410

Today, I tried to get my son off of the couch by turning off the wifi. Afterward, I went to watch tv. Turns out he got me back by turning off the cable. FML

By Howdoiwatchpoliticsnow - United States - Newton

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Today, at the supermarket, I bought a cake and had my friend's name put on it. It wasn't anyone's birthday, I just wanted to feel less ashamed about buying a whole cake for myself. FML

By Sam

Party for One!

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Today, I confronted my girlfriend about cheating on me. Her response was that it's not cheating since she is getting paid. FML

By madseason - United States

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Today, I finally got medication to deal with my seizures. I've had them since I was 5, but my mother had always believed I was faking it. When I seized during a basketball game, she actually came onto the court and lectured the referee for "humoring" me. FML

By Robert

5858

306

Today, while my partner usually has their work mic muted, I went in and complained about my period. Turns out today was the one day they didn't have it muted. Their whole team heard, and I used to work with some of them. FML

By Ishnar - 2/2/2021 05:01 - United States

PMS PSA

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750

Today, as I woke up, the first thing I saw was a bee on my hand. I tried not to make the slightest move, waiting for it to fly away without stinging me. The second thing I saw was my cat jumping at it. FML

By Anonymous - Italy - Verona

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Today, my wisdom teeth decided to come in. I didn't know that being wise could hurt so much. FML

By little tooth - France

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Today, I finally got over the knee injury that has been holding back my military application for 6 months. They sent me to the optometrist, who said my eyes were too bad for service. FML

By sadface - Canada

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Today, I was on a date with a guy having a great time. I went up to go to the ladies' room, but as I walked back to the table, I heard some giggles. I looked and found out why. My skirt was tucked into my underwear. I was wearing my lucky Star Wars-themed panties. FML

By diva467 - United States

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Today, I was really hungry at work, and my stomach growled loudly. One of my co-workers heard it and thought it was a cat. Ashamed, I played dumb and we ended up spending twenty minutes looking for a cat that I knew didn't exist. FML

By imalosertho - Canada - Truro

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Today, I was stepping out of the shower while home alone. I heard voices coming from the living room. I grabbed a bat to defend my self and ran into the living room. I slipped on my tile floor and smashed my TV with the bat. No one was in my house but I left my radio turned on. FML

By Slipperywhenwet - United States

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Today, I realized I'm pussy whipped by a chick I'm not even dating. FML

By mad dude

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Today, my mom woke me up in the middle of the night to make me help my brother write an essay. I read what he wrote so far, gave him my suggestions, and went back to bed. She woke me up 30 mins later because he just sat and stared at his paper instead of fixing anything. Somehow that's my fault. FML

By I write sins not other people's essays - United States - King George

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1037

Today, my boss changed some company calendar settings on my computer to see what they'd be like. He didn't like it, so he told me to change it back, then left. I have no idea what he changed. FML

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

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Today, my dad has been hitting the bottle, and will only respond to anything I say in a slurred rap. FML

By Anonymous - Sweden - Sundbyberg

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Today, the cows on the neighboring farm have been lowing loudly for 3 days straight. The guy who runs the farm is unreachable. The people who own the farm and live right next to the stable claim they don’t hear a thing. FML

By Anonymous - 7/1/2021 04:58 - Germany

Noise annoys

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Today, my boyfriend was rubbing my leg. He started laughing and said, "Babe, is this your leg, or am I petting Daisy?" Daisy is my dog. I need to shave. FML

By loserllamalick - United States - Rochester

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Today, my mother, who thinks I'm a virgin, called me while I was having sex with my boyfriend. I have to answer every time she calls or she freaks out. I ended the conversation quickly and hung up. Or so I thought. She listened in to the rest of our 20-minute lovemaking session, and I have some explaining to do. FML

By SoDead - 5/12/2020 04:01 - United States - Center Point

Overbearing parents are the worst

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Today, while working as a masseur, a man requested a foot massage. This wouldn't have been an issue, had he not had at least 20 warts on his feet. FML

By SquishFish

Big nope

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Today, I decided to tell my mom about my choice to wait to have sex until after marriage. Coming from a very christian family I thought she would be proud. Instead she laughed and said, "is that your excuse for not being able to get laid?" and walked out of the room. FML

By sucks - United States

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Today, at college, I walked in on some kid jerking off in front of the bathroom sink. This place never ceases to amaze and disgust me. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Portland

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Today, my girl and I got in a huge fight. Because I cuddled with her the wrong way. While I was asleep. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Winder

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Today, I was fired. For "lack of attention to details", specifically spelling errors. My now ex-boss misspelled the name of his own company on my severance agreement. FML

By JadeC - United States

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Today, the girl I've had a crush on for a year finally said she'd go out with me. On the way over to pick her up, she called me and said she couldn't go because she was going out to dinner with her ex-boyfriend to talk things over. She asked if she could use the reservations I had made. FML

By FriendsZone - United States

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Today, my husband bought me a cinnamon roll because my blood sugar was dangerously low. My first bite was easily the most delicious thing I'd eaten since getting pregnant. As I sat in frosting coated ecstasy, my husband snatched up the rest of the pastry and finished it himself. FML

By AmySweet - United States

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Today, I allowed my friend to talk me into going on a date. The guy's truck smelled like formaldehyde - I'm assuming from the snake that he apparently tried to turn into a necklace. FML

By KittyNeko - United States

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Today, I discovered that my cool, unique first name translates to "unwanted" in Hindi. Both my parents studied abroad in India for five years. FML

By unwanted - 1/4/2020 05:00 - Canada

Named and shamed

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Today, my mom was put in jail for beating the shit out of my dad. FML

By Taylor Easley - United States

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Today, I was showing my Mom how to use the Internet on her phone. As there was bad reception, it said "Unexpected Failure." Seeing it, she muttered under her breath, "Just like you, then..." FML

By unexpected_failure - United Kingdom

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Today, my nephews decided to play with and break the antique hourglass I bought for my mom. It took months to find and cost nearly $500. When I told my sister, she refused to repay me and responded with, "What do you expect, they’re just little boys!" Her "little boys" are 12 and 14. FML

By badmombadkids - 24/5/2020 02:00

Assholes, assholes everywhere

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