I&#039;m a meme

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Today, I found my diary on my mother's nightstand. Bookmarked. FML

Out of it

Season finale

Bad news

By Anonymous - 24/12/2012 06:07 - United States - Cottonwood

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Today, my boyfriend confessed his desire to have sex while I'm on my period. He calls it "bloody victory." FML

By Anonymous - 5/12/2010 00:39 - United States

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Today, I fell flat on my ass while running for the subway. Made it on only to find out that it was standing by for ten minutes. I then got to ride all the way to work with a train full of people who watched me fall. FML

By Weter - 30/1/2009 11:30 - United States

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Today, while driving home from work, I noticed the driver next to me was happily chatting on her phone. I fucking despise these would-be murderers, so I slammed my horn to signal my disgust. She panicked and swerved straight into my car. FML

By k - 9/6/2012 21:35 - United Kingdom - Telford

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Today, after telling my audience of preschoolers and parents that I'd been performing magic since I was a kid in 1995, a 4-year-old got more laughter and applause than I did in my entire act by gasping, "1995? You should be dead by now!" FML

By Anonymous - 24/3/2015 20:52 - United States - Carlsbad

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Today, a girl I recently slept with messaged me, explaining through a rendition of "Call Me Maybe" that she'd given me chlamydia. FML

By Rowansgonnarow - 5/7/2014 20:19

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Today, I had to wash my cat. Twice. The first time was because he decided to roll over in the litter tray after using it. The second was the result of him pissing on the floor, then rolling in it right after I'd dried him from the first time. FML

By Anonymous - 2/3/2020 15:00

Clean me, humanoid

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Today, after years of training myself to crave healthier foods in order to lose weight, I found out that some of my favorite health-foods actually aggravate my hypothyroidism, and indirectly reduce my metabolism. Broccoli and soybeans are making me fat. FML

By healthfoodshmealthfood - 17/11/2011 14:34 - United States

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Today, while bored at work I was reading an article online about the local zoo and its animals. I received an email so quickly responded, but when signing off accidentally wrote "thanks hippo" instead of "thanks heaps". To a woman with a weight problem. Who also outranks me. FML

By sharni88 - 4/3/2011 07:13 - Australia

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Today, my wife and I got into a massive argument after she started a YouTube channel for our young daughter. I explained that I’m not comfortable with god knows who looking at our kid. Apparently, I’m just being paranoid. She’s already recorded our entire house, including my daughter's bedroom. FML

By nope - 29/3/2020 14:00

Influencers know no bounds

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Today, I was really excited to get a new bank account in my name. My parents wanted me to have it so they could transfer money from mine to theirs and vice versa. What excited me less was my father drunkenly accessing it and taking all my cash. FML

By ugh - 24/11/2014 12:40 - United States - Port Chester

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Today, I found out I was getting a new bed for my room. Then find out it was my great-grandmother's. The one she died in. FML

By Jonnyboo - 29/8/2009 12:13 - United States

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Today, my parents were screaming so loud about who clogged the toilet that a neighbor called the police because they thought someone was in danger. FML

By dear god why - 26/5/2014 20:28 - United States - Seattle

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Today, I called my mom to ask for some help with my dishwasher. Somehow, the call got turned into a video call. I was wearing a bathrobe, and she was naked in her bathroom. Most awkward call ever. FML

By FaceTime issues - 6/4/2014 06:57 - United States - Scottsdale

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Today, I went on my first date in 8 years. While we were looking at the menu, the guy said: "So if you're vegetarian, why're you so fat?" FML

By Anonymous - 20/8/2014 22:14 - Sweden - ?kersberga

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Today, my aunt asked me to have my 13-year-old autistic cousin stay over for the night. When he got here, he told me his mom forgot his Vaseline, and asked if I'd be a dear and go get some for him. His mom informed me that he uses it to masturbate. FML

By meghandix89 - 20/12/2016 01:35 - United States

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Today, I found out my 10 year old step-brother has an obsession with fire, after he burnt all the belongings in my room, including an £600 guitar. FML

By NikkiiFireStarter - 20/10/2009 10:46 - United Kingdom

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Today, it was my daughter's birthday. She had been wanting a cat for a long time, so I went to the animal shelter and got an orange one. As soon as she saw it, she ran upstairs screaming, "GINGER! GINGER!" She refuses to come downstairs until I get rid of "the soulless creature." FML

By Anonymous - 20/1/2011 03:44 - United States

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Today, I found out that every time my boyfriend has cutely joked about my clothes not matching while we're just lounging around the house, he's really been hoping I would catch on that he thinks I look like a slob. FML

By Rachel - 12/2/2016 06:26 - United States - Burton

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Today, my dad was fixing my wardrobe and pushed too hard, causing stuff to fall from the top shelves. I saw it happen with my own eyes, but he's dead-set convinced that it was some kind of poltergeist fucking with him, and now he doesn't want me to go in my room. FML

By Anonymous - 16/1/2015 16:22 - Australia - Sydney

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Today, I was watching TV when my older brother thought it would be funny to rip a bare-assed fart in my face before a shower. I looked up, only to see a brown blob on my glasses. My nickname is now "Shitfaced." FML

By nearsighted-ut - 26/9/2019 02:00

Cool nickname

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Today, I asked my girlfriend of a year and a half to give me a blow job. She replied okay and bent down and blew on my penis. Then she looked up at me and said, "Was that good?" She was serious. FML

By Anonymous - 11/4/2009 04:12 - United States

John Coltrane

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Today, in a rush to get ready, I put on some "sexy" panties that I bought years ago. By the second hour of work, they were so tight and uncomfortable, I had to cut slits up the sides to avoid cutting off the circulation to my legs. FML

By too tight - 15/2/2012 11:26 - United States

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Today, my boyfriend wanted to get into an open relationship. He has no romantic feelings for me anymore, but he didn't want to separate from my cat. FML

By Katsura - 19/7/2016 00:43 - United States - Perrysburg

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Phew, glad it wasn't me

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Today, I found out I’m the guy whose wife made adult films in college. Although embarrassed, I thought I may be able to get past it. Except for the fact that we dated in college, and she insisted we wait until after we were married to have sex. FML

By one cock too many - 4/8/2020 05:02

Who's been a naughty girl?

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Today, while I was putting up Christmas lights, my younger brother wouldn't stop pestering me. It seems he hadn't forgotten the time I gave myself an electric shock last year, and he wanted to see if I'd do it again. FML

By Anonymous - 3/12/2011 18:11 - United States

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Today, my 17-year-old son hacked off the legs of his bed with a saw. His explanation? "The bed looks cooler closer to the floor." FML

By Anonyme - 6/9/2013 11:56 - France - Caen

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Today, at work a female co-worker was struggling with a stack of boxes in her hands. Her pantyhose was falling down and she asked me to help her. So I pulled up her pantyhose. When I looked up, she had a horrified look on her face. She was asking me to help her hold the boxes. FML

By harrassment101 - 25/12/2009 08:10 - United States

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Today, I paused the movie my girlfriend and I were watching and told her, for the first time, that I loved her. Her response was to stare at me silently for a few seconds before unpausing the film. FML

By Anonymous - 3/1/2013 11:43 - Australia - Gosford

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Today, my wife stabbed my hand with a fork, making it bleed. I'd only tried to take some fries from her plate. FML

By Mouhahaa - 9/5/2012 03:48 - France

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Today, I saw Les Misérables. I was singing along to one of the songs when the guy next to me dumped his soda over my head and told me to shut up. FML

By maddiecat - 8/1/2013 05:34 - United States - Saint Louis

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Today, I had the brilliant idea of jumping off a swing at its highest point. I can now add two things to my list of accomplishments: making out with a tree and breaking my nose. FML

By Thescarlettfox - 1/3/2020 21:00

Alexa, play "Jump" by Van Halen

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Today, a thirty-something guy swaggered into my workplace. He was wearing shutter shades and torn jeans, and claimed to be our new boss. I called security to throw him out, at which point he produced his ID and let me know I'd be attending an employee review session next week. FML

By Anonymous - 25/8/2012 00:20 - United Kingdom - Manchester

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Today, my car went missing. My sister constantly asks to borrow it, so I called her and asked if she had it. She swore blind that she didn't, so I called the cops and reported it stolen. They soon caught her driving the stolen vehicle. She blames me and is now telling everyone I set her up to be arrested. FML

By Anonymous - 14/8/2015 10:57 - Ukraine - Donetsk

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Today, my girlfriend dumped me because she apparently saw me making out with her sister. She doesn't even have a sister. FML

By Anonymous - 18/5/2013 19:34 - United States - Coatesville

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Today, I found a pile of animal skeletons scattered in my backyard. It appears that last night, mother nature decided to rain so hard, that the graves of my childhood pets floated back up to the top, and covered half of my field. I now have to pick all of it up before my dog sees them. FML

By L.Lime05 - 8/8/2010 23:27 - United States

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Today, my boyfriend came over so that we could have some "fun". It turns out, his idea of foreplay is squishing my breasts together and making them talk. FML

By notsexy - 28/7/2009 22:28 - United States

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Today, a stranger nearly beat the crap out of my boyfriend for being a pedo. I ended up showing the guy my driving license to prove I'm not a pre-teen and that I'm just freakishly young looking. FML

By Anonymous - 25/5/2016 16:38 - United States - Astoria

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Today, I went to get a haircut. The hairdresser at the counter was kind of cute, so I had to say something non-standard. When she greeted me with her hello, I replied "Guess what I need from you today?" She looked at me, considered, and replied "An eyebrow wax?" FML

By Anonymous - 2/11/2009 17:48 - United States

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Today, I had to take the train from my hometown to my university for a very important meeting concerning my foreign exchange program. When I finally arrived, I noticed a Post-it on the door: "Meeting cancelled, sick". I basically made a 9-hour day-trip for a half-an-hour walk. FML

By Anonymous - 31/3/2014 11:49 - Netherlands - Vlissingen

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