By Anonymous - 25/6/2020 20:00

Empathy

Today, my best friend rang me to complain about having to pay childcare fees when she's still working from home. She doesn't understand why I couldn't sympathize with what she was going through. Clearly she forgot I'm a childcare worker who would like to be paid for the work I do. FML

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Walk on the wild side

Alexa, play "Boredom" by Buzzcocks

Yeah, fuck the poor

By starfishedasshole - United States

Today, I broke up with my psycho girlfriend of one month. She actually expected me to let her keep the vintage car that I've been rebuilding for the past two years, and when I refused, she threatened to burn my garage down with us still in it. FML

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By unknown

Today, I dissected a baby pig. All I could think about was Wilber from Charlotte's Web. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend informed me that he can't remember the last time he took a shower. He then told me he doesn't see the "need" of taking showers. FML

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By Anonymous - Ireland

Today, I had to stand next to my wife at the supermarket, beet-red and pretending not to exist; about half an hour into our shopping, she completely lost her shit at the advertising on the loudspeaker, turned to another patron, and screamed into his face to shut the fuck up. FML

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By apparentlyugly - United States

Today, I was on the phone with a prospective blind date. He asked me to describe myself so I said that I was fun, attractive and a little chubby but not fat. My 7 year old sister walked up to me and screamed "Jesus doesn't like it when we lie!". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Minneapolis

Today, my girlfriend tried explaining a duck flying into our living room and taking a shit everywhere as "paranormal activity". FML

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By bbbbb - United States - Woodbridge

Today, I slipped on a crayon a little girl threw on the floor, causing me to drop the tray of water I was carrying, making me spill it all over her. After getting cussed out by her mom, I was fired for making a customer unhappy. FML

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By TuteSweet - United States

Today, I walked outside my house to find my father in nothing but his underwear, spraying ants with ant-killer, laughing like a maniac and screaming, "Die bitches! Die!" FML

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By meesh22 - United States

Today, I received an email from my professor informing me that if I missed another class, I'd be dropped from the course. I have field experience to complete tomorrow as part of my major. I emailed her two weeks ago to let her know, and we're excused by the dean. She doesn't care. FML

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By nobabies

Today, I attended my husband's holiday brunch at a company I also used to work for. I was excited to see former coworkers until one raced up, grabbed my belly, and in front of a crowded room, exclaimed, "You're pregnant!" Nope, just older and a bit fatter. FML

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By simple living - United States - Austin

Today, my dog threw up on the tiled floor. I found out at 6 this morning in the dark when I slipped and fell in it. FML

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By anon - Canada - Toronto

Today, I was playing with my 3-year-old nephew when he suddenly got up and ran to his mom to tell her I was "touching in bad spots". I was tickling his armpits. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found my two best friends making out with each other. Not a big deal, right? Wrong. Today was my wedding day. One of the friends was my maid of honor, the other was my groom. FML

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By Anonymous - France

Today, I went to a funeral for my coworker's father. While there, my dad's cell phone rang and he left to answer it. I turned to my brother and said, "I can't believe he brought his cell phone!" He whispered, "I can't believe he's got coverage. This is a dead zone!" I laughed loudly. At a funeral. FML

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By Marlon - United States

Today, I got dumped by my girlfriend at her mom's birthday party, in front of her whole family. They even got it on video. FML

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By Camm. - United States

Today, I found my car completely vandalized when I came home from work. A paper on the seat read "That's for what you did to Hannah you fuck". Hannah? FML

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By NoTattoo

Today, my girlfriend of 7 months broke up with me because I refused to get her name tattooed on my chest. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I realized that a Ph.D. in Mechanical Engineering does not offer enough knowledge and experience to accomplish some simple, everyday tasks. I have spent the last 12 years designing large robots to scour the seabed for shipwrecks yet the mechanism used to unhook a bra eludes me. FML

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By mcpeepants - United States

Today, I found out I've recently developed a bladder control issue. Every time I lift anything more than about fifteen pounds, I pee myself a little. I work in a warehouse. Heavy lifting is my job. FML

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By still had to pay - Australia

Today, I took my 5-year old daughter to get a photo taken with Santa, when she asked the dreaded question of why this Santa looked different from one at the other store. Before I could placate her, some cunt of a kid yelled, "Because he's not real, dumbass!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a group of carolers was coming up my street, so I went out in the cold to wait for them. When they finally arrived, I waved and greeted them. They huddled up discussing something while pointing at me, then skipped my house. FML

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By KmartFart - United States

Today, I had a surprise birthday party for my mom who turned 57. About an hour into the party, I look over at my mom and she was grinding all over my best friend while holding a bottle of tequila in her hand, and a pair of leopard skin panties hanging out of her pants. FML

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By Jesse - United States - Bothell

Today, I had to get a prostate exam. Right before the doctor started, he told me that if I found it awkward at all, I should just imagine I was being probed by aliens. FML

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By kylie - Canada

Today, my boyfriend and I were in my backyard goofing around when he tried to pick me up. He couldn't. I jokingly tried to lift him. I did so without much effort. FML

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By Jesica Mcgee - 29/10/2020 18:02 - United States - Ferndale

Narcissist

Today, I got a job, a good job with benefits, 401 k, took a lot of work to get this: background check, drug testing, being qualified and I need to pay bills. I can't even be happy because my husband got demoted. It's all about him, and fuck my hard work. FML

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By wtfguys - United States

Today, I got back from a weekend at my best friend's house. Apparently, he and his friend invented a new game. It involves sticking duct tape to their pubic hairs, ripping them out, and sticking as many as possible on my face and body before I wake up. FML

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By Mikabe - Sweden

Today, I was working as an intern at a day care. One of the kids touched my chest a couple of times, and I jokingly told him that he shouldn't touch old and ugly women like me. So he started groping the little girls instead. When the other teachers asked him why, he said I had told him to. FML

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By 50sStyle - United States - Hartland

Today, during lunch, I choked on my food and possibly came close to death when my boyfriend's best friend performed the Heimlich Maneuver on me, potentially saving my life. My boyfriend then started arguing with me over letting his best friend touch my stomach. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I found out that the airhead sitting next to me at work who can't get anything done on her own, makes more money than I do. FML

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By norestforthewicked - United States

Today, I had to use a sick day from the school I teach at. While I was off, another teacher called me mid delirium, because my students were borderline rioting over the work I left for them. I'd asked them to read a book and edit the one-page essay they've had two weeks to work on. FML

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By oops - United States - Wichita Falls

Today, being the prank couple that we are, I decided to mess with my husband. When he got off work, I said, "The lady from your office called and said she was pregnant. From you." He immediately broke down crying, and said, "I knew it." Turns out, my fetus already has a sibling. FML

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By HOLY SHIT, A WALKING SNOWGLOBE - United Kingdom - Dagenham

Today, I went on a blind date. My date turned out to be very hot, and I had high hopes. That is, until she ran her hand through her hair as she approached, sending some kind of horrifying, miasmic mist of dandruff and dead skin floating through the air behind her. FML

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By Gasman - New Zealand

Today, I was sitting in the doctor's waiting room and thought that I was alone. I let rip 2 massive farts before realising there was a very short woman behind the computer screen at the desk. FML

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By Abused - Australia

Practical

Today, my boyfriend used my love handles as ACTUAL love handles. FML

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By Divorcemenow - United States

Today, I awoke to my husband donning a gorilla mask in the middle of the night. My kids have been staying in a tent out back for the past few nights, and have complained of a "monster" scaring them. I told them that it was their imagination. My husband says he gets a kick out of it. FML

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By Anne - United States

Today, I spoke to my ex again for the first time after our breakup. The first words out of his mouth were, "I love you, so I'm going to have to confess some things in the hopes that my honesty will help us get back together." It didn't, but it does mean I have to get tested now. FML

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By grubbieduc - United States

Today, my husband gave my cellphone number to his most obnoxious, creepiest friend. I've been drunken-dialed five times already. FML

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By i_am_forever - United States - San Francisco

Today, my daughter was putting clothes in the drier when she yelled, "Mom!! The drier won't start!" I had to explain to her that the door needed to be shut. Her response, "Oh. I didn't know that mattered." She's 15. FML

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By weddingbells - United States

Today, my parents had a huge fight because my mom found out my dad was cheating on her. They screamed for half an hour. Right in the middle of my wedding. FML

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By xxxkkxxx - Hong Kong

Today, my parents took me on a plane ride for a vacation in Hong Kong. What they didn't tell me was that the "vacation" is extended for three years. FML

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Top comments

By TCRII | 28

#7916456 - Thursday 25 June 2020 20:48

More likely she was hoping you would do it for less or for free. Either way, not a very good friend.

By imslappy | 8

#7916447 - Thursday 25 June 2020 20:05

some people don't need to breed period.

COMMENTS

By imslappy | 8

#7916447 - Thursday 25 June 2020 20:05

some people don't need to breed period.

By TCRII | 28

#7916456 - Thursday 25 June 2020 20:48

More likely she was hoping you would do it for less or for free. Either way, not a very good friend.

By RichardPencil | 28

#7916470 - Thursday 25 June 2020 21:48

Why? Wouldn't your motives be purer if you volunteered your time?

Childcare workers should only be people who love playing with children so much they'd do it for free!

By sarsuela | 22

#7916932 - Saturday 27 June 2020 18:20

It's a bit hazy to me – are her kids still in childcare? How is her working from home relevant then?
If her kids are home then her frustration is understandable.