By Dannikins - 5/11/2020 01:01 - United States - San Antonio

Don't hate the playa…

Today, the guy I've been looking forward going on a date with had to cancel due to Covid. This wouldn't have been an issue, if I didn't see him later that night posting about him at a bar with another girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks

965

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Vulture

Munchausen by proxy

You light up my life

By Anonymous - 19/12/2020 13:02 - United Kingdom - Boston

Affection breakdown

Today, my wife can't be bothered to do anything that isn't work, talk about her work, and sit on the sofa. Then she complains that I don't show any affection, when she can be bothered to even talk to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

744

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106

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By Anonymous

Heart = Broken

Today, I got my lady bits waxed for my man with a little heart-shaped landing strip. Later, as he removed my panties, he crinkled his nose and stated, "It looks like Donald Trump." FML

I agree, your life sucks

4249

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By Poopamus

Today, the police showed up at my door asking if I told this creepy guy stalking my girlfriend that I'll chop him up and bury each piece in a different country if he doesn't stop bothering my girl. I told them I did, along with an explanation. Turns out, he's been missing since that day. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2505

You deserved it

496

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By Anonymous - Ireland

Today, I cycled 30 minutes through hail and rain to get my pregnant girlfriend the crisps she was craving. When I made it back, she didn't want them anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43324

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By idonteven - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I was watching a movie with my family in which a character said "Fuck you, dad." My dad then slapped me over the head to get my attention and said, "Never talk to your father like that." Okay, dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49937

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By Anonymous

Greased Lightning

Today, I got home from working at KFC and hopped straight into the shower. I could see that the water was being tinged yellow by the grease that had got plastered on me at work and was now coming off, so I started gagging and almost threw up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1703

You deserved it

185

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By Anonymous - United States - Murfreesboro

Today, barely 2 hours into a 5 hour car ride home, my mom accidentally let slip that she's been cheating on my dad. I had to sit with the bitch in a diner for ages while my dad bawled his eyes out alone in the car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31615

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my future mother-in-law started shit-talking me on Facebook, and we got into a heated argument. She called me later in the day, saying I'll be lucky if I ever marry her son and that, "You'll suffer to your last breath." I'm now terrified to set foot outside. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29110

You deserved it

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By Mightaswelltutordogs - United States - Gainesville

Today, I had to find simple words to explain to the idiot I was tutoring that "1/4" is not of a greater value than "1/3" just because the denominator is bigger. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30465

You deserved it

5541

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By Awkward - United States - Redmond

Today, my neighbor put up an electric fence to keep my five-year-old son out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41871

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States - Quitman

Today, my phone ran out of space, so I downloaded an app to store all my photos online. After everything transferred, I deleted the 1,000+ photos from my phone, along with the "recently deleted" file since it was also taking up space. The app is now empty of all "downloaded photos". FML

I agree, your life sucks

4835

You deserved it

2777

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By Samyett - United States

Today, I decided to surprise my boyfriend by creating an account on Runescape; his favorite game. After finding him in-game, I started talking to him, not revealing who I was. After a while, I asked him if he had a girlfriend. He promptly said no and asked me for nude pics. FML

I agree, your life sucks

58138

You deserved it

14922

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By still hungry - United States - Chicago

Today, my boyfriend said he was going to give me breakfast in bed before he left. He walked over, threw some granola bars on the bed next to me and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28245

You deserved it

4130

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By trainhump - Australia

Today, I took the train to work. There was an older man standing behind me. Everytime I tried to edge away from him, he edged closer. Everytime the train rocked even slightly, his crotch made contact with my behind. It was an extremely bumpy train ride. I could also tell when he became hard. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28097

You deserved it

3026

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By theyarefarapart

Today, I found out that my classmates affectionately refer to me as "the kid whose eyes are really far apart." FML

I agree, your life sucks

33675

You deserved it

3549

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By James

Today, while standing in line to get my driver's license renewed, I hiccuped and burped at the same time. I was so flustered that I ended up telling an entire room full of people that I had the 'herps'. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4062

You deserved it

751

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By sarahmoon

Today, my date refused to pay for my dinner, even though he promised to beforehand. It turns out, he assumed I would just be ordering a salad for dinner, "based on your slim figure". FML

I agree, your life sucks

4474

You deserved it

511

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By roxyriley - United States

Today, a friend of mine and I were talking about how hygienic we are. She mentioned she hadn't shaved her downstairs in a while. I was looking at the computer when she said this so when I turned to look at her I saw she had pulled down her pants and underwear. I was face to face with hairy muff. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25594

You deserved it

4060

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By bird-brain - Germany

Today, I was at a zoo with some friends in Germany. People were talking to this bird and it responded in complete, grammatically correct German sentences. One of my friends said 'Wow, that bird has better grammar than the exchange student!' A bird speaks better German than me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30364

You deserved it

5128

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By ThatIsNotIt - 24/1/2021 04:02 - United Kingdom

Underperforming

Today, having regularly given my husband blowjobs, I suggested, mid-session, that he could maybe reciprocate. He complained that I was wet, begrudgingly licked for about a minute and then gave up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2116

You deserved it

129

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By WorstMedicalBill - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting it on when I realized I had to sneeze. Not wanting to sneeze on her, I tried my hardest to hold it in. When I climaxed, I couldn't hold it in any more and sneezed all over her face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11113

You deserved it

21710

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By MathTeacher - United States

Today, after being annoyed one too many times by my students' whiney attitudes, I accidentally blurted out, "Quit being such a bitch," to the superintendent's daughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25013

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By Anonymous

"shortcomings"

Today, my girlfriend and I lost our virginity to each other, or so I thought. I heard her on the phone with her sister saying that I’m definitely the smallest dick she’s ever had, but the size of my bank account encourages her to overlook my shortcomings. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7769

You deserved it

605

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By muffdriver - United States

Today, I realized that every day without fail, the muffins I've been making and giving to my husband for work have been hitting speeding cars' windshields. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26198

You deserved it

4185

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By anon - United States

Today, I took my dog for a walk. It became friendly with another dog, and I reached down to pet them both. Suddenly, an old woman runs up to me and whacks me with her cane repeatedly. Apparently, her previous dog had been kidnapped by a woman who looked a lot like me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47134

You deserved it

2791

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was stood up on a date. Her excuse? "I had to work out." FML

I agree, your life sucks

29125

You deserved it

3562

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By anon - United States

Today, I graduated from college and my parents gave me an apple. Not the computer, the fruit. FML

I agree, your life sucks

68132

You deserved it

5617

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By kelly.duggan - Canada - Carleton Place

Today, I went to get an ultrasound done. I texted my ex, who's the father, and told him how adorable its little feet are, and asked him why he didn't come. I got a reply with two words: "DNA test". FML

I agree, your life sucks

42578

You deserved it

11769

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By wilsmith - China

Today, while in the elevator with the girl from my office that I've been crushing on, but never spoken to, I said "aren't elevators awkward?" After a long silence, she got off three floors before our office. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14525

You deserved it

26519

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By drakx88 - United States

Today, it was my final meeting with my psychologist who was helping me with my bipolar disorder. I just found out that he committed suicide. FML

I agree, your life sucks

132675

You deserved it

6530

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By MILF - United States - Maryland Heights

Today, one of my most problematic students remained after class, whence he strongly insinuated his interest in receiving oral sex; I tried to convey just how inappropriate that was, when he interrupted, "Look, will you at least touch it?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

64856

You deserved it

6677

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By flipraff101 - Australia

Today, I was at home and my boyfriend called me and said that I'd left my G-string at his house. I only have one G-string and I was wearing it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34881

You deserved it

2739

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By lily - United States

Today, my friend and I were making sandwiches at his house. His family's dog wandered over just as I dropped a large chunk of cheddar on the floor. The dog snatched it up and ran away with it. I yelled after it, jokingly, that I hoped it would choke and die. It did. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30083

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, while eating dinner with my family, I found out my boyfriend recorded me screaming while having sex with him on my phone, and set it as my ring tone on high volume. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37645

You deserved it

6135

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By themuffinman - Japan

Today, my girlfriend referred to her yeast infection as "making bread." I can never look at bread the same way. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29637

You deserved it

3210

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By mugged - United States

Today, my dog had to choose between protecting me from a mugger or eating an apple. He chose the apple. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40328

You deserved it

4820

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I have a condition that, when I pull my foreskin back, it looks as if a rubber band has been put on it. The doctor told me the only way to fix it was to have me circumcised. My mum laughed, then asked him if he had a magnifying lens to do it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43491

You deserved it

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By NYCguy - United States

Today, my female room-mate decided to throw away my xbox, along with a few other possessions because they reminded her of her ex. Furiously, I asked her if "it was that time of the month again." Now I can't feel my balls, and miss my games. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43567

You deserved it

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By XxDanno316xX - United States

Today, I was training a new person. The job included driving around the city all day, during which she decided to hang her head out the window and bark like a dog. I spent an 8 hour shift with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32738

You deserved it

3397

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was at a party with my boyfriend. There were some tents set up out the back so we decided to go in one. When we came out we got weird looks. It turns out my friend had turned on some lights behind the tent, showing a huge silhouette of me giving head. FML

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11583

You deserved it

36080

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 30

#7949969 - Thursday 5 November 2020 9:22

No wonder our infection rate is skyrocketing! Bastards with COVID are going to bars and being super-spreaders!

You dodged a bullet by not going out with that vector!

By Yummi_913 | 15

#7950080 - Thursday 5 November 2020 20:41

It must hurt but you dodged a massive bullet with that one. Imagine being his gf and seeing that.

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 30

#7949969 - Thursday 5 November 2020 9:22

No wonder our infection rate is skyrocketing! Bastards with COVID are going to bars and being super-spreaders!

You dodged a bullet by not going out with that vector!

By Yummi_913 | 15

#7950080 - Thursday 5 November 2020 20:41

It must hurt but you dodged a massive bullet with that one. Imagine being his gf and seeing that.

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7950502 - Sunday 8 November 2020 4:21

His loss.