Love: Today, I told my girlfriend that I would still care for her if...

By jesifairy - Australia

Today, I told my girlfriend that I would still care for her if she was a vegetable. She informed me that if I was a potato, she would cut me into chips. And fry me. FML

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jesifairy tells us more :

:-D

Love

Rock, hard place

Sorry…

Social distancing

By minissaussette - France - Cergy

Today, my 4-year-old brother has a very strict 8:30 PM bedtime. Since I would have to walk past his door to get to the rest of the house, I'm not allowed to leave my room past that time, lest I tempt him to get up too. I can't even go to the bathroom. FML

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By potassiumgirl - United States - Hollywood

Today, I was eating a banana, and decided to practice my blowjob skills, since my boyfriend is always complaining that I'm bad at giving head. Let's just say my lungs now have their daily dose of potassium. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Tucson

Today, I have a final for my precalculus class. After hours of studying this week, I felt pretty optimistic. Until I got to class and realized that I'd forgotten my calculator. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/10/2020 17:02 - United States - Carmichael

Smelly Finger Nights

Today, I learned that not only do I have bacterial vaginosis, but I ALSO have gonorrhea from a hookup. The only symptoms I'm having? Anal itching. FML

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By Anonymous - Switzerland

Today, the cat climbed up to the spice shelf while I was cooking. As I looked up and told him to leave, he tipped over a chili container which coated my face with chili powder. The bloody pain in my eyes then made me knock over a pot of boiling water. FML

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By GladYoureConcerned - United States - Glendale

Today, after we had sex, my boyfriend told me how my orgasms used to make him think I was having a seizure. FML

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By stillsingleladies - United States

Today, my lesbian sister enthusiastically showed me her new strap on. Not only does she get more girls than me, she now has a bigger penis too. FML

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By Notcheating

Not a cheating!

Today, my father-in-law caught me, a lesbian, buying condoms. He thought I was cheating. I didn’t know how to tell him that his daughter is allergic to our dildo.

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By Anonymous - Germany - Berlin

Today, I thought I felt my cellphone vibrating. Turned out it was just my girlfriend letting out a vicious fart against my leg. FML

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By TooYoungForThis - Canada

Today, I sneezed so hard that I threw my back out. Now my back is in agonizing pain, and I can barely walk. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I moved back in with my parents in order to help them with the mortgage, so they don't lose the house that has been in our family for three generations. I also found out that I now have a curfew, and so does my husband and our 3 year old son. FML

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By ohwell - United States - Arlington

Today, I handed in my 2 weeks notice, since I have to leave for college soon. My boss told me it was fine, then cut all my remaining shifts. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Milwaukee

Today, I accidentally texted my mother instead of my drug dealer. FML

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By oh, shit...... - Denmark - Bagsv?rd

Today, I was at the gym. At the end of my workout, I realised I lost the bundle of keys I had in my pocket that contained the key to my locker with all my stuff. I panic and start looking for them. After an hour of desperate searching, I find them thrown in the bottom of the public toilet. Thanks. FML

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By Duplighost - United States

Today, my girlfriend's Marine dad walked in on us fooling around naked. Now we can only hang out with "parental supervision". Oh, and I have to record my visits on a clipboard by the door. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I told my students that I would be taking a few weeks off because a member of my family is very ill. They all cheered. FML

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By sickyandiknowit - United States - Eugene

Today, my boyfriend endearingly told me that he's been taking advantage of my inability to smell due to a head cold, and he's been farting around me whenever he pleases. FML

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By Anonymous

Cool

Today, I tore my calf muscle while skipping and singing Yellow Brick Road. I'm off my foot for 4-6 weeks and don't even have a cool story. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I had the house to myself, and I started talking to myself and singing at full volume. When I went to use the bathroom, I found my constipated cousin looking at me strangely. FML

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By Anon - United States

Today, I had woken up very excited to celebrate my 21st birthday. I roll over in bed and ask my boyfriend if we can go out to the park to have a picnic, considering the lovely weather. He looked up at me and said, "You wish I loved you that much." He rolled back over and slept until 3 p.m. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I am starting a new job. Only problem is, I haven't been told what my duties are, who my line manager is or who to ask if I need help. FML

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By Lichelle - United States

Today, my parents got back from their weekend ski trip. I had a few parties over the weekend and had cleaned up absolutely EVERYTHING; beer cans, throw up, spilled drinks, etc. The only thing I forgot about was the condom someone left in my parents bed. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Midlothian

Today, during parent/teacher conferences, my mom told my Chemistry teacher that I have an intense crush on him. There are still 7 months left in the school year. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was the maid of honor at my sister's wedding. I was the first one to walk down the aisle, where I managed to trip over a wire, shutting off the music and falling on my face. My family cheered and took pictures. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I had to endure my father going on a sexist rant about how women shouldn't be allowed to go to university because it's "unrealistic" since "all women" become stay-at-home mums. This is the same man who threatened to kick me out if I dropped out of uni. FML

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By I hate retail - United States - Phoenix

Today, I got yelled at by a customer for refusing to give a found credit card to a woman it didn't belong to. FML

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By ashley - United States

Today, my sister had her batmitzvah. During the party, there is a tradition where the batmitzvah gets lifted on a chair, and so does her family. It was my turn after my sister's. I got in the chair. They couldn't lift me. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I went to feed my neighbor's cat while he was out of town. The cat was sick, so part of my job was to give it a pill each time I came. Cats don't like swallowing pills. My neighbor forgot to mention that his cat wasn't declawed. I was wearing shorts. FML

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By HereWeGoAgain - United States

Today, my mom went to court to finalize her divorce. I would have felt sorry for her, had this not been her 7th husband. FML

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By adderallgirl - United States

Today, I woke up feeling like shit after I had spent the whole night taking care of my sick boyfriend. He got up early, feeling great, bouncing around the house. When I finally got up I told him I didn't feel well and he yelled at me for being a bitch in the morning that slows him down. FML

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By BRELLA - United States

The wrong kind of banging

Today, I finally got the chance to sleep with a girl from home who I'd wanted for a long time. She has low blood pressure problems though, and when things got hot, she passed out while she was on top of me, fell and hit her head on the night stand. FML

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By Rrae

Today, I'm at the ER for my first ever UTI and potential other "down there" issues. Yesterday I got married. FML

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By LunaCrow - United States - Shakopee

Today, I had a friend tell me all about how being a vegan was so great. They were eating eggs. FML

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By Ms. Piggy - United States - Clarksville

Today, I was shopping for dresses when my fiancé turned into what I can only call a groomzilla. He told me and my maid of honor that we need to lose weight because he's not "paying all this money for a pair of fatties to not look good." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Redmond

Today, my mom texted me, asking what I'd like her to get for dinner tonight. I texted back "Something exotic if you're up for it :)". Except I accidentally typed "erotic". I only noticed the typo when I checked after getting no reply. She comes home in a couple of hours. Shit, shit, shit. FML

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By Anonymous

Sounds reasonable

Today, my 70 year-old mother complained about the patio window being dirty. I asked her why she couldn't clean it, or anything else in the house for that matter. I was informed she can't clean windows because she's not left handed. FML

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By kayt240 - Canada

Today, my husband told me that he's letting his mother move in with us. He told her it was alright without even consulting me first. I hate my mother-in-law so much that I'm contemplating divorce rather than living with her. FML

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By Chin... uh.... - United States - Phoenix

Today, I've learned two things. One, my Chinese cousins don't know much about the USA, and two, they now believe it's proper manners to shout, "FREEEEDOM" before ending a call with me. FML

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By SimG - Canada - Cambridge

Today, I was going to fight the guy who my girlfriend left me for. While waiting at the park, he sent me a video of the two of them having sex on my bed. FML

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By Etrius - United States - La Grande

Today, I went to get my hair cut. My stylist had the greatest tattoo of a rat on her arm. I spent the whole appointment thinking about how cool the tattoo was, and what an interesting person she must be to choose such a thing. So I complimented her on it and she said, "Oh it's a wolf." FML

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Top comments

By uzworm | 4

#4298748 - Friday 13 April 2012 11:50

Kinky.

By JackIsHere | 4

#4298741 - Friday 13 April 2012 11:47

ISo would

COMMENTS

By JackIsHere | 4

#4298741 - Friday 13 April 2012 11:47

ISo would

crazycatlady5 | 6

#4298818 - Friday 13 April 2012 12:25

This is so romantic.

Pandacupcakelove | 26

#4299460 - Friday 13 April 2012 14:34

Duh? Who wouldn't! X)

therealslim | 15

#4299542 - Friday 13 April 2012 15:05

If he was trying to be romantic, this was a kinda weird thing to say..

ArcadePie | 10

#4299724 - Friday 13 April 2012 16:18

Whats the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? ...The wheelchair

Forlorn420 | 9

#4300140 - Friday 13 April 2012 17:59

Well you do sound quite delicious..

TheFakeFamilyGuy | 9

#4301307 - Friday 13 April 2012 22:47

I still love you.

JocelynKaulitz | 28

#4301544 - Saturday 14 April 2012 0:07

Wtf kind of conversation is that?

By uzworm | 4

#4298748 - Friday 13 April 2012 11:50

Kinky.

LightningCactus | 12

#4298814 - Friday 13 April 2012 12:24

If you're into that kind of thing.

micahsmommy | 13

#4299467 - Friday 13 April 2012 14:36

Mmmm, fish and chips. Sounds yummy and kinky if he's the chips...

tygerarmy | 35

#4299942 - Friday 13 April 2012 17:04

Very kinky. She wants you inside of her.

By iloveursister | 4

#4298750 - Friday 13 April 2012 11:52

she has a good theory

braheem | 5

#4300976 - Friday 13 April 2012 21:06

hahahahaha i loved the FML action!! comment buried!! haahahah

FMLsAreAwesome | 0

#4301450 - Friday 13 April 2012 23:36

What?

LMA0 | 5

#4303116 - Saturday 14 April 2012 7:45

111 you should have just put an arrow sideways ( < ) pointing at your profile pic:p

By Ruffclue | 9

#4298754 - Friday 13 April 2012 11:53

Tell her to add salt and pepper as well.

qwaszxwesdxc | 0

#4412182 - Wednesday 9 May 2012 16:49

Dont push it

By icallbullshit | 3

#4298755 - Friday 13 April 2012 11:53

Do vegetables have sexual desires?

x_Just_Ellie_x | 8

#4298828 - Friday 13 April 2012 12:33

You're an idiot.

geko911 | 22

#4300203 - Friday 13 April 2012 18:15

A previous OP would say that zucchinis do...

brittanyayy | 8

#4300839 - Friday 13 April 2012 20:29

Cucumbers have wicked souls

Bunnynapper47 | 6

#4302278 - Saturday 14 April 2012 5:02

Why you here papaya nobody likes you.

CyberPunkTink | 0

#4302742 - Saturday 14 April 2012 6:13

Yes, yes they do. They're the most kinky, sexual produce. Even meat can't keep up with the wild vegetable.

ThermiteKitten | 8

#4328992 - Friday 20 April 2012 2:07

Yes, but pineapples are much hornier than cucumbers.

By BlackBlazeCobra | 16

#4298762 - Friday 13 April 2012 11:55

At least she thinks you're tasty?

HeartOfLead | 24

#4302803 - Saturday 14 April 2012 6:27

Well at least she's creative, that is to be treasured.

By ladyLALAA | 28

#4298763 - Friday 13 April 2012 11:55

Mm, potatoes, I want you in and around my mouth.

winoahh | 10

#4299626 - Friday 13 April 2012 15:46

followingtheyellowbrickroad - I started smiling like an idiot when I read that.

thejewishfuhrer | 17

#4300696 - Friday 13 April 2012 19:48

GET IN MY BELLY!!!!!!

born_hustla | 26

#4304075 - Saturday 14 April 2012 15:10

That's what she said

By Goatinsfriend | 8

#4298772 - Friday 13 April 2012 12:00

Can't let a potato go to waste!

By LoveMay | 10

#4298775 - Friday 13 April 2012 12:01

Ah… young love

buck33 | 14

#4299648 - Friday 13 April 2012 15:57

I read this in the spongebob narrater voice.

ss_20_xx | 14

#4300815 - Friday 13 April 2012 20:22

I actually LOL-ed at this FML.

By emmagillespie24 | 11

#4298780 - Friday 13 April 2012 12:03

Did you mean a literal vegetable or, like, if she was in a coma?

KiddNYC1O | 20

#4298830 - Friday 13 April 2012 12:33

Like a vegetative state...

FMLsAreAwesome | 0

#4301458 - Friday 13 April 2012 23:38

-_- Smh.