Today, I told my girlfriend that I would still care for her if...

By jesifairy - 13/4/2012 04:46 - Australia

Today, I told my girlfriend that I would still care for her if she was a vegetable. She informed me that if I was a potato, she would cut me into chips. And fry me. FML

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jesifairy Say more :

:-D

Love

Serious times

Tonight, on Grey's Anatomy…

Business savvy

By Unreality - 26/1/2011 21:26 - United States

Today, I discovered my fiancé has been telling everyone else we are just friends, yet last night he wanted me to go with him to pick up my engagement ring. I'm supposing the wedding will be a surprise to everyone. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/12/2015 05:44

Today, I was kayaking with my friend. We figured it'd be awesome if I jumped from my kayak straight into his. Sounded good in theory. One flipped kayak, a pair of lost glasses and a humiliating swim back to shore later, I'm starting to think it wasn't the best idea. FML

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By Halloweenie - 16/10/2009 08:44 - United States

Today, I took a box of Halloween decorations down from the attic. Inside, were a bunch of fake spiders. I emptied the box onto the floor and the "fake" spiders crawled all over the living room in opposite directions. FML

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By GideonSquire - 13/6/2017 20:00

Today, I walked through a car park and brutally bashed my head, leaving a tennis ball sized lump on my forehead on an overhead sign saying, "Max height 6"6'". I'm 6"4'. FML

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By Nyah Murphy - 5/12/2017 19:00

Today, I fell asleep for 20 minutes during my first final in law school. I took a $70k loan to be here. FML

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By sunlightchild_14 - 13/9/2009 07:04 - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend of 2 years that I was pregnant. His response? "That's neat. But we can still have sex, right?" FML

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By Anonymous - 4/12/2016 22:14

Today, my family held an intervention and told me I needed to lose weight. It probably would've had more impact if they hadn't done this over video chat while stuffing their faces at an all-you-can-eat buffet. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/9/2011 06:05 - United States

Today, I apologized to the cat for walking into the laundry room while he was using the litter box. FML

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By zuper_duper - 29/8/2009 22:20 - United States

Today, after six months of dating, my girlfriend decided to break up with me because my "obsession" of being on the computer and playing games all the time was cutting into "our time". She then told me to "get a life" and never wanted to see me again. She told me all of this on WoW. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/5/2019 12:00

Today, while volunteering at my local library, a guy who smelled like crap followed me around all day. Every time I would bend over to shelf a book, he would start grunting. Apparently, he's going to be at the library every day. FML

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By brokenhearted - 18/2/2010 09:51 - United States

Today, after 25 years of marriage and 2 children, I was served with divorce papers. It turns out my 51 year old, soon to be ex, has been having an affair with the 24 year old tutor I hired to help our daughter bring her grades up. They are in love and want to start a new family together as soon as possible. FML

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By KidKillah - 1/9/2012 04:07 - United States - Napa

Today, a small kid looked at me, screamed in terror, and hid behind his dad. I was just walking down the same aisle in the store. This is far from the first time it's happened. FML

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By ugh - 14/6/2011 17:56 - United States

Today, I woke up to a homeless man relentlessly shitting on my porch. FML

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By Nosexytime - 14/1/2010 15:56 - United States

Today, for my boyfriends 21st birthday, I wore sexy lingerie, put on a naughty librarian outfit and did a strip tease for him. He just laughed. FML

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By Sorry - 2/10/2014 23:51 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, it's my birthday. I've spent most of it apologizing to my parents for the "hassle" of "having" to arrange a simple birthday dinner. Sorry I was born, guys. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/3/2010 13:43 - United Kingdom

Today, I realized that not only am I still an unpublished author, but I can't even get an FML posted after submitting several in the last year. FML

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By TCRII - 28/3/2018 01:30

Today, my wife said she wants a divorce. Three days ago, I added her onto the title to my house, my bank accounts, and my business. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2011 02:29 - United States

Today, I was able to land a nice apartment solely based on the fact that my puppy is potty trained. During the required pet interview, my dog 'got sick' and defecated all over the apartment office. I now have to clean the mess knowing that I will not be allowed to live there. FML

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By Annoyed Student - 9/4/2013 23:09 - United Kingdom - Oxford

Today, my English teacher used the word "interpretate" again. This isn't the only mistake she's made though; I've been so frustrated that I've started a list of them. It's over a page long. I'm meant to be learning things from this woman. FML

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By theDiva - 21/1/2009 11:22 - Malta

Today, I am down to 3 euros. My mother just stole the last two euros from me. I asked what she needed them for? Condoms. My mother can have safe sex. I can't buy lunch tomorrow. FML

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By Dani - 5/12/2014 21:00 - United States - Fort Lauderdale

Today, I woke up feeling awful and decided to make myself a nice egg omelette with bacon, toast and fresh fruit. As I went to eat it, I stubbed my toe and dropped it all on the floor. My dogs were very happy about that. FML

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By Minnie - 12/6/2016 13:33 - United States - Jacksonville

Today, I was invited to go to a BBQ with one of my guy friends. It turned out to be a surprise engagement party, and every single one of his friends congratulated me. I'm not his fiancée. FML

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By Omydayz - 29/3/2016 23:03 - United States - Fremont

Today, after telling a friend I was contemplating asking a girl to prom, my friend took my phone, told me to have some balls, and texted the girl asking her to prom. She said no, because I asked her over text instead of in person. She refuses to believe I didn't send the text. FML

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By Skankeriffic - 19/2/2010 05:13 - United States

Today, I sat in bumper-to-bumper traffic for half an hour. The entire time, a man I had gone on a date with and that had gotten very out of hand with, was sitting in the car next to me. I noticed, panicked, and tried to drive off, rear-ending the car in front of me. FML

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By agentile - 2/12/2010 01:14 - United States

Today, my grandma was leaning over in front of me, vacuuming, while wearing a v-neck shirt. Out of instinct, I glanced at her chest. She's 75. I checked out my 75 year old grandma. FML

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By Jaggu - 29/4/2011 20:25 - United States

Today, I ran into an old friend from college on the bus to work. Having not seen each other in over 10 years, we spent a good 15 minutes talking about our lives after college. At the end, he asked me what my name was. FML

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By skid - 2/6/2015 14:59 - United States - Champaign

Today, I took part in a bouquet toss. The "single ladies" consisted of myself and several girls under the age of ten. I'm 31. FML

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By notpregnantthankgod - 20/11/2015 17:20 - United Kingdom - Southampton

Today, the local gossip was in line behind me at the shop. She saw me buying pregnancy tests. The good news is that I'm not pregnant. The bad news is that she'll definitely have everyone thinking I am. FML

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By NittanyMangini - 26/5/2016 16:37 - United States

Today, I was taking a biology final and was just randomly tapping my pencil. My teacher thought I was somehow communicating with the person next to me, and decided to fail me. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/8/2012 19:50 - United States

Today, I called in to my girlfriend's favorite radio station to propose. After spending what seemed like an eternity telling her how much I love her and I want to spend the rest of my life with her, she took a deep breath, said, "How about no?" and hung up. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/1/2011 18:47 - Ireland

Today, I was taking my architecture project to school. I'd spent days preparing my little model house. I stepped outside with it in my hand, and right at that moment a gust of wind ripped it away. It's currently lying in my neighbour's garden, smashed to pieces. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/4/2017 20:00

Today, I was running late for my morning gym class. I grabbed a near-empty drink bottle on my way out, intending to fill it up at the gym. Mid-workout, I reached for my bottle and took a big mouthful as I headed over to fill it up. To my great surprise, it was not water but straight vodka. FML

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By DriveMeNot - 27/10/2010 00:02 - United States

Today, I reached into my pocket and found my mom's car keys. I'm a four hour drive away, and she obviously can't come to pick them up. FML

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By jayc80 - 20/5/2011 17:59 - Bermuda

Today, my boss scheduled a staff breakfast at a swanky new restaurant for all the hard work we've been doing. The dining area is on the roof, and the building has no elevator. I've been in a wheelchair for 11 years. When I brought this to my boss's attention, he said it wasn't his problem. FML

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By theleague - 9/10/2010 04:15 - United States

Today, when I arrived at the airport for my international flight there was no record of my ticket in the system. Turns out the flight was yesterday. FML

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By tomchuq - 30/8/2009 07:12 - United States

Today, I realized I can hold a pencil in my fat rolls. FML

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By unlovedandunfucked - 10/12/2014 18:16 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I woke up from a wet dream. My girlfriend quickly figured it out and bitched me out for having one when she was "right there" for me to ask for sex. Logic failure aside, the last time I flirted with her, she called me a sex-obsessed pig and didn't talk to me for three days. FML

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By Owww - 10/7/2018 19:00

Today, I went to the dentist at 8:30 for a check up. I walked out at 2:00 with a root canal and several thousand dollars in debt. I guess I'm not having a wedding this year or quitting the job I hate. FML

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By Stressed dad - 18/7/2017 20:00

Today, my wife's water broke so I drove her to the hospital. After 16 hours without labor, I went home to get a little sleep. Four hours later I got the call and ran outside to find that my car was towed from my parking space. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/12/2011 14:25 - United States

Today, I went to the doctor's thinking I had a UTI. Turns out I have an STD. FML

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Top comments

By uzworm | 4

#4298748 - Friday 13 April 2012 11:50

Kinky.

By JackIsHere | 4

#4298741 - Friday 13 April 2012 11:47

ISo would

COMMENTS

By JackIsHere | 4

#4298741 - Friday 13 April 2012 11:47

ISo would

crazycatlady5 | 6

#4298818 - Friday 13 April 2012 12:25

This is so romantic.

Pandacupcakelove | 26

#4299460 - Friday 13 April 2012 14:34

Duh? Who wouldn't! X)

therealslim | 15

#4299542 - Friday 13 April 2012 15:05

If he was trying to be romantic, this was a kinda weird thing to say..

ArcadePie | 10

#4299724 - Friday 13 April 2012 16:18

Whats the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? ...The wheelchair

Forlorn420 | 9

#4300140 - Friday 13 April 2012 17:59

Well you do sound quite delicious..

TheFakeFamilyGuy | 9

#4301307 - Friday 13 April 2012 22:47

I still love you.

JocelynKaulitz | 28

#4301544 - Saturday 14 April 2012 0:07

Wtf kind of conversation is that?

By uzworm | 4

#4298748 - Friday 13 April 2012 11:50

Kinky.

LightningCactus | 12

#4298814 - Friday 13 April 2012 12:24

If you're into that kind of thing.

micahsmommy | 13

#4299467 - Friday 13 April 2012 14:36

Mmmm, fish and chips. Sounds yummy and kinky if he's the chips...

tygerarmy | 35

#4299942 - Friday 13 April 2012 17:04

Very kinky. She wants you inside of her.

By iloveursister | 4

#4298750 - Friday 13 April 2012 11:52

she has a good theory

braheem | 5

#4300976 - Friday 13 April 2012 21:06

hahahahaha i loved the FML action!! comment buried!! haahahah

FMLsAreAwesome | 0

#4301450 - Friday 13 April 2012 23:36

What?

LMA0 | 5

#4303116 - Saturday 14 April 2012 7:45

111 you should have just put an arrow sideways ( < ) pointing at your profile pic:p

By Ruffclue | 9

#4298754 - Friday 13 April 2012 11:53

Tell her to add salt and pepper as well.

qwaszxwesdxc | 0

#4412182 - Wednesday 9 May 2012 16:49

Dont push it

By icallbullshit | 3

#4298755 - Friday 13 April 2012 11:53

Do vegetables have sexual desires?

x_Just_Ellie_x | 8

#4298828 - Friday 13 April 2012 12:33

You're an idiot.

geko911 | 22

#4300203 - Friday 13 April 2012 18:15

A previous OP would say that zucchinis do...

brittanyayy | 8

#4300839 - Friday 13 April 2012 20:29

Cucumbers have wicked souls

Bunnynapper47 | 6

#4302278 - Saturday 14 April 2012 5:02

Why you here papaya nobody likes you.

CyberPunkTink | 0

#4302742 - Saturday 14 April 2012 6:13

Yes, yes they do. They're the most kinky, sexual produce. Even meat can't keep up with the wild vegetable.

ThermiteKitten | 8

#4328992 - Friday 20 April 2012 2:07

Yes, but pineapples are much hornier than cucumbers.

By BlackBlazeCobra | 16

#4298762 - Friday 13 April 2012 11:55

At least she thinks you're tasty?

HeartOfLead | 24

#4302803 - Saturday 14 April 2012 6:27

Well at least she's creative, that is to be treasured.

By ladyLALAA | 28

#4298763 - Friday 13 April 2012 11:55

Mm, potatoes, I want you in and around my mouth.

winoahh | 10

#4299626 - Friday 13 April 2012 15:46

followingtheyellowbrickroad - I started smiling like an idiot when I read that.

thejewishfuhrer | 17

#4300696 - Friday 13 April 2012 19:48

GET IN MY BELLY!!!!!!

born_hustla | 26

#4304075 - Saturday 14 April 2012 15:10

That's what she said

By Goatinsfriend | 8

#4298772 - Friday 13 April 2012 12:00

Can't let a potato go to waste!

By LoveMay | 10

#4298775 - Friday 13 April 2012 12:01

Ah… young love

buck33 | 14

#4299648 - Friday 13 April 2012 15:57

I read this in the spongebob narrater voice.

ss_20_xx | 14

#4300815 - Friday 13 April 2012 20:22

I actually LOL-ed at this FML.

By emmagillespie24 | 11

#4298780 - Friday 13 April 2012 12:03

Did you mean a literal vegetable or, like, if she was in a coma?

KiddNYC1O | 20

#4298830 - Friday 13 April 2012 12:33

Like a vegetative state...

FMLsAreAwesome | 0

#4301458 - Friday 13 April 2012 23:38

-_- Smh.