Love: Today, I told my girlfriend that I would still care for her if...

By jesifairy - Australia

Today, I told my girlfriend that I would still care for her if she was a vegetable. She informed me that if I was a potato, she would cut me into chips. And fry me. FML

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jesifairy tells us more :

:-D

Love

And today, on Dr Phil…

Sick burn

Reverse psychology

By WTF - United States - Ann Arbor

Today, my girlfriend of six weeks dumped me when she learned that Macedonia, where I was born, is in Europe. Apparently, she thought that I was "Asian" and she doesn't want to date a "white guy." Yeah, I'm totally confused too. FML

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By Squashed - United States

Today, my 250 pound boyfriend was on top of me while we were making out. I actually passed out in the middle of it from not being able to breathe. FML

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By ineedanotherdrink - United States

Today, I went out drinking with a female friend I've been crushing on for a while now. After we'd been talking and had a few, She said 'Man, I haven't gotten laid in months! Do you mind?'. Surprised but hopeful, I nodded. She leaned over, hugged me, and went to hit on a guy at the bar. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/2/2021 02:59 - United States - West Yellowstone

Alexa, play "Burning down the house" by Talking Heads

Today, a house I'm working in burned down overnight. My entire cordless tool line up and everything else needed to remodel a 3-story home is gone. Almost $14000. The only way I will be somewhat, maybe, possibly, reimbursed is if I stay on to rebuild the home. I don't have anything left to even start. FML

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By Deadendjob

Today, my dad refused to sign a student finance form to allow me to study my dream subject at university because he doesn't want the government knowing his business. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/8/2020 23:01 - United States

Say my name, say my name

Today, after being unemployed for over four months, I got a call from a company I've wanted to work for for over 2 years. After they were about to set up an interview, they called me by a different name. After correcting them, they hung up on me. Turns out they had the wrong number. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mother set off the alarms at Walmart by shoplifting. She shouted at me to run, which I didn't. I had to get a ride home from the security guard, since my mother left without me because I didn't get to her car fast enough. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Darwin

The Conversationalist

Today, I was so bad at maintaining a conversation that the only way for the other guy to put up with me was to drink. He was the designated driver. He would rather risk drinking and driving than being sober around me. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I got really bored at work. I decided to spin myself around and around in my chair until I got really dizzy. Apparently my boss decided to start watching me do this while I was in mid-spin. FML

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By catlover - Australia

Today, my cat kept sneezing all morning so I took her to the vet. $150 later and the vet says she's fine. I get home and the noise starts up again. My automatic air freshener spray sounds just like my cat sneezing. FML

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By Willow McGarrigle - 30/5/2020 02:00

Condom advertisement

Today, my ex messaged me, saying he got his new girlfriend pregnant and that he thinks I have something to do with it. He thinks I put it in her head that they should have a kid together, when he says he didn't want any in the first place. FML

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By Anonymous - Philippines - Sucat

Today, I had a big argument with my girlfriend, after she tried to stop me going home, even though it was already past my curfew. I got home, only to find out I'm grounded for staying out late, and dumped for being "inconsiderate". FML

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By Anonymous - 21/4/2021 17:00

Some dream…

Today, I'm a full-time Investment Portfolio Analyst at one of the largest groups. It has been my dream job and I worked my ass off. I'm one of the best analysts there and people like me. Also, I haven't slept properly for 3 months, without a single day off. I'm about to get mentally sick. FML

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By ali - United States - Livingston

Today, I was having an argument with my girlfriend in front of our friends. I didn't want her to spoil my good time, so I ignored her until she disappeared. She re-appeared thirty minutes later just to throw a punch that would make Muhammad Ali jealous. Our friends' reaction? They clapped. FML

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By inked - United States

Today, I showed off my new tattoo to my friends. Too bad it says "Walk Earless" now instead of "Walk Fearless." That's right, I'm now supporting Van Gogh. FML

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By my gran is a cuntwaffle - United Kingdom

Today, my gran came over for dinner, for which I had to go grab some supplies from the supermarket. I guess I should have locked my laptop, because when I came back, I found my gran had used my Facebook account to propose to my now-ecstatic girlfriend. FML

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By nick92 - United States

Today, I discovered my boyfriend's family approves of me, not because I'm friendly and intelligent, but because I'm an adequate addition to their gene pool. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Piscataway

Today, I asked a traffic cop if it was okay to park my car briefly in a Monday to Friday only parking spot, since it's Saturday. She politely replied I could. I came back less than ten minutes later, only to find a parking ticket stuck to my windshield. FML

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By GGimabeast - United States

Cool story, tell it again

Today, I celebrated my birthday. My mom invited a bunch of my relatives over, and they started telling funny stories of when I was a kid. My mom decided that then was an appropriate time to talk about how she caught me looking at porn the other night. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I finished my first shift at my new summer job. I've only been working there for 6 hours and they already call me, "The blonde one". I made straight A's in my last semester of college. FML

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By Herestheskinny

Today, I was helping a women that was looking for skin care products. She kept commenting on the look and "texture" of my skin in a very creepy and almost hungry fashion. I'm afraid that she wants to skin me. FML

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By sayroshi - United States

Today, my 3-year-old son decided to pull down his pants and pee outside as our local city's parade had just started marching down the street. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a girl called me asking for one of her friends. She wouldn't believe me when I told her she had the wrong number, and I spent a few minutes convincing her she did. After a while she said "what the fuck" and hung up. That was the longest conversation I had with a girl in months. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Great Falls

Today, I walked into the bathroom only to see my boyfriend sitting on the floor eating ice cream, crying. I'd say I was shocked, but this isn't the first time it's happened. FML

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By asdfasdf - Canada

Today, my girlfriend said she didn't want to have sex because it takes too long. FML

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By Anonymous

Spooky season has begun

Today, I was at work at a kiosk in the mall when I smelled something foul. I thought it was the weird dude who'd just walked by so I just carried on with my work. Minutes later, I looked to my right and there, lying on the floor a few feet from me, was a huge turd wrapped in toilet paper. FML

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By virginwhore

Today, my boyfriend's dad called me a whore and said I'm trying to use his son and "steal" his virginity for my own needs. My boyfriend has had sex with over 10 girls and I'm a virgin. FML

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By fisted - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I was out for a walk, wearing a T-shirt with a fist on it and the words "Bump it." A guy came up to me, looked at my shirt, shrugged, and punched me in the stomach. FML

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By painfulintercourse - Canada

Today, my doctor told me to buy some KY Jelly and a dildo to help "loosen me up" so sex isn't so painful. I haven't been able to have sex for 6 months because it hurts so badly, and now my doctor has basically told me to go fuck myself. FML

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By idk.man® - 1/1/2021 22:54

Thanks, dad

Today, I got yelled at by my dad again for being inside so much instead of outside doing stuff. We are still in a lockdown and are not allowed to leave the house unless its for work or to go to the store. FML

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By unlicensed - United States - Charlotte

Today, I drove 45 minutes to take my full driver's test. At the end of the test, the instructor told me I'd done everything perfectly, but had failed before I left the parking lot. I didn't see the "one way" sign at the entrance. FML

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By notyouraverageteenager - Australia

Today, I bought an expensive dress because it was me and my boyfriend's one year anniversary, and he was taking me somewhere nice. When he saw me in the dress, he looked at me, laughed and said, "Seriously, what are you wearing?" FML

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By - France

Today, I can hear my parents having sex in the next room. FML

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By johnfrank - United States

Today, I was on a blind date with a girl my friend set me up with. We went to a fancy restaurant and she ordered the shrimp. I told her, "I'm allergic to shrimp, so you shouldn't order it in case I want to kiss you later." She looked at the waiter and said, "I'll have the shrimp." FML

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By natashamilan - United States - Grand Rapids

Today, I was at a friend's birthday party when I got a call from my mom telling me to come home because my dog died. When I told my friend that I had to leave because of the loss, she replied with, "Okay, but you brought my gift inside, right?" FML

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By JacktheRussian - United States

Today, I saw a very attractive young woman struggling with some boxes. The seduction attempt resulted in me carrying 60lbs of items for 30mins. When we got to her apartment, she thanked me and introduced me to her boyfriend. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, my wedding ring went missing. Later, my 3-year-old came to me crying, he'd got it stuck on his penis. When I tried to get it off, he peed on me. FML

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By Thatslife - Netherlands

Today, I asked my friend what form of birth control she used the first time she had sex. She stared at me like I was from another planet and said, "You can't get pregnant the first time..." This moron is my best friend. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Ontario

Today, I spent half an hour trying to convince my husband not to re-enact a video he saw online of a guy tying some rope to a running chainsaw, then swinging it around his head. He finally agreed not to do something so stupid. A few hours later, he did it anyway. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/2/2021 08:01

Karen strikes again

Today, at work as a manager at pizza place, I got yelled by a customer because they got one fewer paper plates than they asked for. FML

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Top comments

By uzworm | 4

#4298748 - Friday 13 April 2012 11:50

Kinky.

By JackIsHere | 4

#4298741 - Friday 13 April 2012 11:47

ISo would

COMMENTS

By JackIsHere | 4

#4298741 - Friday 13 April 2012 11:47

ISo would

crazycatlady5 | 6

#4298818 - Friday 13 April 2012 12:25

This is so romantic.

Pandacupcakelove | 26

#4299460 - Friday 13 April 2012 14:34

Duh? Who wouldn't! X)

therealslim | 15

#4299542 - Friday 13 April 2012 15:05

If he was trying to be romantic, this was a kinda weird thing to say..

ArcadePie | 10

#4299724 - Friday 13 April 2012 16:18

Whats the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? ...The wheelchair

Forlorn420 | 9

#4300140 - Friday 13 April 2012 17:59

Well you do sound quite delicious..

TheFakeFamilyGuy | 9

#4301307 - Friday 13 April 2012 22:47

I still love you.

JocelynKaulitz | 28

#4301544 - Saturday 14 April 2012 0:07

Wtf kind of conversation is that?

By uzworm | 4

#4298748 - Friday 13 April 2012 11:50

Kinky.

LightningCactus | 12

#4298814 - Friday 13 April 2012 12:24

If you're into that kind of thing.

micahsmommy | 13

#4299467 - Friday 13 April 2012 14:36

Mmmm, fish and chips. Sounds yummy and kinky if he's the chips...

tygerarmy | 35

#4299942 - Friday 13 April 2012 17:04

Very kinky. She wants you inside of her.

By iloveursister | 4

#4298750 - Friday 13 April 2012 11:52

she has a good theory

braheem | 5

#4300976 - Friday 13 April 2012 21:06

hahahahaha i loved the FML action!! comment buried!! haahahah

FMLsAreAwesome | 0

#4301450 - Friday 13 April 2012 23:36

What?

LMA0 | 5

#4303116 - Saturday 14 April 2012 7:45

111 you should have just put an arrow sideways ( < ) pointing at your profile pic:p

By Ruffclue | 9

#4298754 - Friday 13 April 2012 11:53

Tell her to add salt and pepper as well.

qwaszxwesdxc | 0

#4412182 - Wednesday 9 May 2012 16:49

Dont push it

By icallbullshit | 3

#4298755 - Friday 13 April 2012 11:53

Do vegetables have sexual desires?

x_Just_Ellie_x | 8

#4298828 - Friday 13 April 2012 12:33

You're an idiot.

geko911 | 22

#4300203 - Friday 13 April 2012 18:15

A previous OP would say that zucchinis do...

brittanyayy | 8

#4300839 - Friday 13 April 2012 20:29

Cucumbers have wicked souls

Bunnynapper47 | 6

#4302278 - Saturday 14 April 2012 5:02

Why you here papaya nobody likes you.

CyberPunkTink | 0

#4302742 - Saturday 14 April 2012 6:13

Yes, yes they do. They're the most kinky, sexual produce. Even meat can't keep up with the wild vegetable.

ThermiteKitten | 8

#4328992 - Friday 20 April 2012 2:07

Yes, but pineapples are much hornier than cucumbers.

By BlackBlazeCobra | 16

#4298762 - Friday 13 April 2012 11:55

At least she thinks you're tasty?

HeartOfLead | 24

#4302803 - Saturday 14 April 2012 6:27

Well at least she's creative, that is to be treasured.

By ladyLALAA | 28

#4298763 - Friday 13 April 2012 11:55

Mm, potatoes, I want you in and around my mouth.

winoahh | 10

#4299626 - Friday 13 April 2012 15:46

followingtheyellowbrickroad - I started smiling like an idiot when I read that.

thejewishfuhrer | 17

#4300696 - Friday 13 April 2012 19:48

GET IN MY BELLY!!!!!!

born_hustla | 26

#4304075 - Saturday 14 April 2012 15:10

That's what she said

By Goatinsfriend | 8

#4298772 - Friday 13 April 2012 12:00

Can't let a potato go to waste!

By LoveMay | 10

#4298775 - Friday 13 April 2012 12:01

Ah… young love

buck33 | 14

#4299648 - Friday 13 April 2012 15:57

I read this in the spongebob narrater voice.

ss_20_xx | 14

#4300815 - Friday 13 April 2012 20:22

I actually LOL-ed at this FML.

By emmagillespie24 | 11

#4298780 - Friday 13 April 2012 12:03

Did you mean a literal vegetable or, like, if she was in a coma?

KiddNYC1O | 20

#4298830 - Friday 13 April 2012 12:33

Like a vegetative state...

FMLsAreAwesome | 0

#4301458 - Friday 13 April 2012 23:38

-_- Smh.