Today, I went out to a nice restaurant with my extended family. It was expensive, and when the bill came, I whispered to my brother, "We may need to make this one a Chew and Screw". When the waitress came back to the table, my five year-old son decided to ask aloud, "What's Chew and Screw?". FML
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Today, I was eating out with my family. I have 2 brothers. Our waitress comes and says, "Look at those 3 handsome young men." I didn't think of it until my 5-year-old brother shouted, " She's a girl!'" FML
Today, I went out with my kids to eat at a nice restaurant. While I was in the bathroom, my 7-year-old daughter ordered 15 plates of "pearls" on the menu. Those "pearls" turned out to be salmon caviar. Guess who got a 425$ bill. FML
Today, I took my 4 year-old son to the bank with me. He asked why we were going, and I explained that I had a couple of checks that they would turn into money. When we got in line, he loudly exclaimed, "Mommy has checks for money!" Except "checks" sounded almost exactly like "sex." FML
Today, my in-laws came for dinner. My 5-year-old son chose that as the perfect time to say, "Good girls always swallow!" when my daughter coughed up some of her food. I have no idea where he heard it, but my mother-in-law blamed me, and my wife had to convince her not to call CPS on me. FML
Today, I was with my friend and her entire family at a restaurant. While we were eating, her brother who is really cute asked what "brown sauce" is. I said thats probably 'penis' sauce. I'd meant to say 'peanut sauce' but the damage was done. The entire family just stared. FML
Today, it was our wedding anniversary. My husband takes me and our young son to a family-style chain restaurant. Hoping for a little romance, I ask him what he's excited about in our future, and he says how we shouldn't eat out like this anymore so we can afford to pay our income taxes. FML
Today, we went out to dinner to a family restaurant, and I was wearing a skirt since it's so warm out. My 4 year old scooted under the table to sit next to his brother. When he popped up on the other side, he exclaimed, "Mommy! You forgot to put on your underwears!" People were staring. FML
Today, I went out to eat with friends. My crush was also at the restaurant with his friends. He smiled at me as I took a mouthful of food, and I choked. The waitress had to perform the Heimlich maneuver on me, while he and his friends fell off their chairs laughing. FML
Today, I went out to dinner with my family. I was given a kids menu when the hostess sat us down. I'm 24. FML
Today, I met up with my dad for the first time in 7 years. We planned to go to a nice restaurant but he changed the place we were going to, to Chuck E. Cheese. I'm 18 years old. I waited an hour for him to show up. I then ended up babysitting his daughter the whole time. FML
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Top comments
heyyou1203 0
YDI for even thinking about "chewing and screwing!" you do realize that the waitress busts her ass to serve pricks like you and that her entire income is from your tip, right? waitresses get paid like, $2 and hour. I HATES people like you when i waitressed, who thought they were entitled to everything but didn't have to pay.
lizzzie_fml 0
When around kids, never say anything that you don't want repeating!!! Learn for next time
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Comments (230)
lich_fml 0
I think he was kidding. Jesus, I don't know any family who would actually consider doing that.
Amkii 0
'Chew and screw' just sounds nasty... at first I thought it meant they'd have dinner, then rape the waitress. 'Dine and dash' sounds better, though in any case, it's a stupid, shitty, and illegal thing to do. YDI for not looking at (or asking) prices before you ordered a bunch of expensive food at a nice restaurant! You KNEW it was going to be pricey!
jasax1 0
I'm pretty sure he was joking people. Wow.
echarperouge 0
You're a f**king asshole. When you don't pay for your shit, your server gets to. Do the world a favor and stay the hell inside, and away from other people.
RavishMe77 0
YDI for sure. You need a lesson in morals.
ohnomongo 0
what a horrible thing to suggest...the restaurant gets the screwing
doc_who 0
It's "Chew and Screw" up in Massachusetts? I've only ever heard "Dine and Dash". "Chew and Screw" sounds wrong.
deamer 0
wow OZYMANDIAS you need to get a life.
RigChan 0
You're a jerk, and YDI!
Snazaza 0
wait...you were gonna run out of the restaurant with your family?