Today, I went out to a nice restaurant with my extended family. It was expensive, and when the bill came, I whispered to my brother, "We may need to make this one a Chew and Screw". When the waitress came back to the table, my five year-old son decided to ask aloud, "What's Chew and Screw?". FML
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Today, I was eating out with my family. I have 2 brothers. Our waitress comes and says, "Look at those 3 handsome young men." I didn't think of it until my 5-year-old brother shouted, " She's a girl!'" FML
Today, I went out with my kids to eat at a nice restaurant. While I was in the bathroom, my 7-year-old daughter ordered 15 plates of "pearls" on the menu. Those "pearls" turned out to be salmon caviar. Guess who got a 425$ bill. FML
Today, I took my 4 year-old son to the bank with me. He asked why we were going, and I explained that I had a couple of checks that they would turn into money. When we got in line, he loudly exclaimed, "Mommy has checks for money!" Except "checks" sounded almost exactly like "sex." FML
Today, my in-laws came for dinner. My 5-year-old son chose that as the perfect time to say, "Good girls always swallow!" when my daughter coughed up some of her food. I have no idea where he heard it, but my mother-in-law blamed me, and my wife had to convince her not to call CPS on me. FML
Today, I was with my friend and her entire family at a restaurant. While we were eating, her brother who is really cute asked what "brown sauce" is. I said thats probably 'penis' sauce. I'd meant to say 'peanut sauce' but the damage was done. The entire family just stared. FML
Today, it was our wedding anniversary. My husband takes me and our young son to a family-style chain restaurant. Hoping for a little romance, I ask him what he's excited about in our future, and he says how we shouldn't eat out like this anymore so we can afford to pay our income taxes. FML
Today, we went out to dinner to a family restaurant, and I was wearing a skirt since it's so warm out. My 4 year old scooted under the table to sit next to his brother. When he popped up on the other side, he exclaimed, "Mommy! You forgot to put on your underwears!" People were staring. FML
Today, I went out to eat with friends. My crush was also at the restaurant with his friends. He smiled at me as I took a mouthful of food, and I choked. The waitress had to perform the Heimlich maneuver on me, while he and his friends fell off their chairs laughing. FML
Today, I went out to dinner with my family. I was given a kids menu when the hostess sat us down. I'm 24. FML
Today, I met up with my dad for the first time in 7 years. We planned to go to a nice restaurant but he changed the place we were going to, to Chuck E. Cheese. I'm 18 years old. I waited an hour for him to show up. I then ended up babysitting his daughter the whole time. FML
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Top comments
heyyou1203 0
YDI for even thinking about "chewing and screwing!" you do realize that the waitress busts her ass to serve pricks like you and that her entire income is from your tip, right? waitresses get paid like, $2 and hour. I HATES people like you when i waitressed, who thought they were entitled to everything but didn't have to pay.
lizzzie_fml 0
When around kids, never say anything that you don't want repeating!!! Learn for next time
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Comments (230)
Norrec86 7
Actually the wage you get from the restaurant is 2.13/hr. But factoring in tips I used to bring home 20 and above. If your credit card tips and hourly wage dont add up to what the state's minimum wage is then by law they have to add to your check to compensate. So technically waitstaff makes just as much as the next guy.
luvonsarah 8
Oregon you get your $8.10 min age + whatever tip :P haha
Kng21 0
Why the heck would you go to a nice, expensive restaurant with your extended family if you can't even afford it?
wsquah 4
Are u black?
whogivesafuck88 10
Ok op is from Massachusetts. Where it is definitely called chew and screw
azalea233 5
Is it a FML because he ruined your dine and dash ? Or an FML because you where embarrassed ?
DarthVader77 9
Ever occurred to you to use nice little thing called calculator? Ideally, beforehand?
kazzarama 1
So glad I live in a country where 'tipping' is rare!
JordanDempsey 20
Good job being such a great influence on your child op. >:( YDI
secretlady99 6
chew and screw, i have never heard this expression before. and also, youre kind of a huge ******* tool!