By man down! man down... - 1/12/2019 03:00 - Canada - Ottawa

Change it!

Today, I had sex with a friend. It was really good too! Until she kicked me in my right nut while changing positions. FML

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Understandable

Who's a good boy?

Compassion

By Rescheduled - 28/5/2016 08:44 - United States - Daly City

Today, after waiting months for an appointment with a doctor who specializes in the disease I have, I showed up at his practice, only to find the cops executing a search warrant. FML

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By avalanche719 - 26/8/2010 15:09 - United States

Today, I went to pay my vehicle registration in person to avoid paying the $10.00 online service fee. After a long wait, I came out to find a $15.00 parking ticket on my car. FML

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By Noname - 16/2/2009 00:33 - United States

Today, I was giving my boyfriend a blow job, he was twitching and moving around and saying "oh yeah" then he said "take that bitch". I looked up to see he was only excited about how he is domination in Call of Duty 4. FML

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By un_christmas - 25/12/2012 06:41 - Malaysia - Petaling Jaya

Today, my boyfriend and I were having Christmas dinner while his mom was away. I was lying alone on his bed while he did the dishes, when the bedroom door dramatically swung open and his mom glared at me from the doorway. I had to leave when she screamed "FORNICATION IS A SIN!" FML

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By t.hughes - 1/4/2013 14:50 - United States

Today, my fiancé dumped me because he claimed he needed to "focus on his career and his engagement." When I asked him how dumping me would help with his engagement, he immediately replied with, "No, I mean my other one." FML

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By amywee - 9/12/2009 15:33 - United Kingdom

Today, my dog received a christmas card before I did. FML

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By innocent72 - 19/11/2013 21:07 - United States - Canonsburg

Today, I had an interview scheduled for 10:05. When I got there, someone was talking to them, so I sat down to wait. Little did I know this wait would be 45 minutes. I got told to go home and that I'd be rescheduled. FML

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By levit - 8/6/2009 07:32 - United States

Today, I had to tell a girl I liked she couldn't sleep over because I live with my parents. I'm 24. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/8/2017 01:30

Today, my roommate forgot to pay the water bill on time, so they shut it off. Now we're without running water for 3 days and I'm taking my morning dump in Target next to a stranger. FML

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By hipster glasses - 16/8/2013 11:08 - United States

Today, I was verbally abused by a customer at my job. Apparently, wearing "ugly, thick-framed hipster glasses as a fashion statement is a HUGE faux pas." These are my actual prescription glasses, and "faux pas" is not pronounced "fox paws". FML

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By ellisp1 - 4/7/2017 22:10

Today, my family was going to go out on a boat to celebrate Independence Day. We agreed we'd be at the marina by 11:45 AM. It's currently 1:45 PM and half of the family is still asleep while two are nursing hangovers. FML

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By thesaddestsoup - 2/2/2017 20:00 - Macedonia - Stip

Today, my long-distance relationship ended. The only thing my dad had to say to comfort me was that he hopes my phone bills will, "go back to normal now." FML

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By Anonymous - 14/5/2016 12:39 - United States - Houston

Today, my psycho ex broke into my fiancée's apartment and cut up her expensive wedding dress. The nutjob is in jail now, but it doesn't seem like the wedding will be happening any time soon. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/6/2019 22:14

Today, my mother-in-law told me to "just wait" until she gets home from her trip, because apparently, taking a vacation with her partner is more important than the birth of her first grandchild. Contractions started a few hours ago. Part of me hopes she misses it. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/12/2014 13:43 - Germany - Munich

Today, after finally finishing a huge internal rebranding project at work, which I've poured blood, sweat and tears into over the last 12 months, I found out we're being acquired by another company and that our new brand will no longer exist. FML

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By Snow - 26/12/2009 21:45 - United States

Today, my mother informed me that I am not allowed to drive in snow. I live in Minnesota. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/9/2011 09:32 - United States

Today, I frantically chased a customer down the parking lot, because they had left their package at my register. Only to find out that the whole time I was chasing the wrong person. FML

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By Anthony - 16/8/2010 01:40 - United States

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend due to the fact that she's been cheating on me with my best friend for the past year. She said I was overreacting, and to grow a pair. FML

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By FootFlakes - 9/4/2013 17:58 - United States - Boston

Today, I had to explain to my girlfriend once again that the dry skin she picks off her feet belong in the trash, not on our coffee table. FML

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By fmymouth - 20/8/2015 04:48 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I found out that the motorcycle I paid cash for was an illegal import. My plates are canceled, I have to turn in the bike for it to be destroyed, and the seller has vanished off the face of the planet. FML

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By emonsteadman - 28/5/2012 14:05 - United States - Denton

Today, at my job as a lifeguard, I told a teenager to, "Walk please." He then threw his soda at me as he ran away. We aren't allowed off stand unless it's an emergency, so I baked in that soda for 30 minutes. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/8/2013 17:18 - United States

Today, my ass decided that it was the perfect day to exhibit the diarrhea side-effect of medicine I'm taking. I definitely made a lasting impression on my interviewer. FML

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By castironstomach - 3/10/2017 20:00

Today, I learned that my daughter will literally eat until she is sick to keep her father and brothers from getting her dessert. I also learned that my boys are sympathetic vomiters. All five of them. FML

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By crazyhair docare - 8/7/2019 16:00

Today, after a lifetime of weaves and extensions, I felt brave enough to wear my natural hair to work. As soon as I clocked in, my manager yelled, “Holy shit! What happened to you? Stick your finger in a socket or something?” I was then sent home for being, “Out of uniform.” FML

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By Keldar - 19/8/2009 07:53 - United States

Today, at the gas station I work a lady called wanting to know the "password" and if I was okay. Thinking it was a prank I hung up. A couple of minutes later she called back, this time asking if I could see the cops outside and telling me I'd be alright. I saw four of 'em. I'd hit the silent alarm by accident. FML

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By O0hdear - 27/8/2015 17:44 - United States - Humble

Today, I went to my fiance's cousin's wedding with him. I got drunk and danced like a stripper in front of his entire extended family, who I'd just met that day. FML

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By Raiders4ever - 21/10/2009 00:44 - United States

Today, I saw my son. I didn't know I had a son. FML

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By wowohwow - 23/6/2011 04:24 - United States

Today, I got all dressed up to go on a date with a guy. Upon getting to my house to pick me up, he told me he'd forgot to put on mascara, and asked if he could borrow some. FML

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By Renzy - 12/12/2012 18:32

Today, my son got suspended from school. He's in kindergarten. FML

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By L_M_AND_R_L - 24/6/2016 14:15 - United States

Today, I asked my mom not to bring her dog to my wedding, since he's a real pain in the ass. She told me not to worry about it because she didn't feel like going anyway. FML

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By burnswhenipee - 8/4/2015 00:47 - Canada - London

Today, I had to get stitches in my vagina due to an unfortunate mishap while climbing a fence. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/12/2011 03:38 - United States

Today, I found out that my father died a little over a year ago. I don't know what's worse; the fact that I don't care or the fact that in his will all he wanted was me not to attend his funeral. FML

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By blinkanimgone - 1/9/2010 11:08 - Australia

Today, I went to the blood bank to donate plasma. All went well until the machine went to return my red blood cells. It turns out the nurse sliced my vein and the blood built up in my tissues. I now have a massive swollen arm and bruising, and look like a junkie. FML

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By Leroy - 5/10/2019 02:01 - Australia

Insanity

Today, my girlfriend slapped me and dumped me because she thought I was gay, simply because I had to miss a date because one of my guy friends was in a car accident, and I went to see him at the hospital. FML

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By otherdad? - 30/3/2018 19:00

Today, I tried to explain my 8-year-old son that my fiancée was going to be his stepmother. Little did I know, he watched Coraline last week. Now he thinks she's his "other mother" and won't go anywhere near her. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/12/2009 13:27 - United States

Today, I met a girl who's the whole package: brains, beauty, shared interests, great personality, single, and into me. Too bad I married my bitchy, depressive high school girlfriend who said she'd kill herself if I didn't. Sometimes, she still tells me she'll do it if we divorce. I believe her. FML

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By cmoney6452 - 1/3/2012 16:17 - United States

Today, I'm so sick that I'm drinking fluids just to make it hurt less when I puke. FML

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By Drew - 30/11/2014 03:20 - United States - Harrodsburg

Today, it's my birthday. My grandma posted about it on her Facebook wall, but people got confused and thought it was her birthday instead. She got twice as many birthday wishes as I did, and that's including the ones I got outside of Facebook. FML

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By goodbye - 9/3/2009 00:45 - Canada

Today, I finally got up the nerve to ask this really cute girl out I've had a crush on for over eight months. Turns out she isn't a girl. FML

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By flopsy - 3/12/2010 16:19 - Australia

Today, I was about to lose my virginity. I couldn't get it up. FML

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Top comments

By mrsstimmer | 13

#7863416 - Sunday 1 December 2019 8:45

Things like that happen. It presume it wasn't intentional. I'd focus on the on the part where you were having really good sex. Hopefully she isn't feeling too ashamed and you are not holding petty grudges over unintentional things. In a few days you can laugh about it and do a rerun ending in orgasms instead of pain :)

By bloopaloop | 27

#7863398 - Sunday 1 December 2019 6:33

Are you sure it was it consensual?

COMMENTS

By bloopaloop | 27

#7863398 - Sunday 1 December 2019 6:33

Are you sure it was it consensual?

By mrsstimmer | 13

#7863416 - Sunday 1 December 2019 8:45

Things like that happen. It presume it wasn't intentional. I'd focus on the on the part where you were having really good sex. Hopefully she isn't feeling too ashamed and you are not holding petty grudges over unintentional things. In a few days you can laugh about it and do a rerun ending in orgasms instead of pain :)

By Cody Vertigo Bonthoux | 15

#7863594 - Sunday 1 December 2019 20:24

crouching tiger hidden nutshot

By mfranks19891989 | 10

#7863675 - Monday 2 December 2019 3:20

I’m sure that happens with couples all the time .

By J15237 | 19

#7864442 - Thursday 5 December 2019 2:06

Um if the sex was super amazing I am sure she said sorry in that special way and made your nut feel better. Stop complaining.