By Anonymous - 22/5/2020 14:00

Big up retail workers

Today, an old guy got nose to nose with me, threatened me, and spit in my face, just because I politely reminded him he needed to be wearing a mask. He had been coughing on multiple food items in my store. FML

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Proactive

Boom, headshot

Spooky

By bursteardrums - 16/8/2011 15:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I introduced my parrot to oranges. Now she makes a high pitched scream if I don't give her any, and I've just run out of oranges. FML

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By fmyjob - 2/11/2009 09:03 - United States

Today, I asked my boss for my first raise in almost two years, to which he replied, "In the real world, I think you've definitely earned one, but this isn't the real world." FML

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By Boo - 8/8/2019 08:01 - Australia

Today, I finally had a phone call after a week of nothing. It was my mother. It was an accident. FML

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1406

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By TanjinaRubbaiyat - 15/1/2010 08:49 - Bangladesh

Today, I was dumped at the surprise party I threw for my boyfriend. FML

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39942

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By Anonymous - 30/8/2017 03:29 - United Kingdom

Love Hurts

Today, I learned that one of my friends is in love with me. How did I find out? A punch to the face from the boy she's supposed to be in a relationship with, for "coaxing her away" from him. FML

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By fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuc - 2/4/2014 21:22 - Denmark - Herning

Today, the girl I've been dating for two weeks brought up the topic of marriage, then started asking me when we're moving in together. FML

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By Scarred4Life - 1/1/2012 06:18 - United States

Today, the last few seconds of my 2011 was spent staring at my drunk, naked uncle pouring olive oil over himself and rubbing it in. FML

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By so so old now - 16/9/2014 23:23 - Canada - Kamloops

Today, my co-workers threw me a surprise 30th birthday party. After lighting sparklers on the cake and singing happy birthday, we all enjoyed a few moments of sparkly, happy fun time. Then the building's fire alarm tripped and over 200 people had to be evacuated. FML

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By nooneinparticular - 21/5/2020 08:00

Fragrant

Today, I realized that I get turned on by my girlfriend's perfume. My mother started using the same one. FML

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By geniusdrunk - 9/8/2019 02:00

Today, after a month of sobriety, I woke up in my ex-girlfriend's house with absolutely no recollection as to how I got there. FML

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1329

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By Anonymous - 25/3/2012 17:21 - United States - Rocklin

Today, I had a terrible nightmare involving zombies slashing and eating at my face. I woke up in terror and urine, and found the slashing was very real: it was my cat pawing my face for me to feed him. FML

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By gooddeedgonebad - 26/5/2013 09:19 - Australia - Upper Swan

Today, I helped an elderly woman carry her suitcase down a flight of stairs. When I got to the bottom, a man tackled me to the ground thinking I was stealing the woman's luggage. As I lay in pain, he ran up the stairs to return the suitcase and the poor woman had to carry it down on her own. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/5/2013 22:15 - United States - Lehi

Today, my in-laws came for dinner. My 5-year-old son chose that as the perfect time to say, "Good girls always swallow!" when my daughter coughed up some of her food. I have no idea where he heard it, but my mother-in-law blamed me, and my wife had to convince her not to call CPS on me. FML

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By Redsnation - 8/8/2017 05:02

Rage Quit

Today, my older brother said that if he beat me in a game of NBA 2k17, he would get to keep my PS4. I beat him so badly that he got angry and destroyed my PlayStation. FML

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By nonymous human subject - 14/11/2015 20:02 - United States - Palo Alto

Today, I got to my human anatomy class with a hickey on my neck. Since I sit in the front row, my professor noticed and decided to call me to the front. He then started talking about ruptured blood vessels and hickeys, all while as I served as the subject. FML

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By Koda - 6/5/2011 04:27

Today, I passed out when my blood sugar dropped. Three times. And each time, my roommate, who was right next to me, just let me fall because he liked the way my face looked. FML

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38579

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By workerbee - 27/1/2009 14:25 - United States

Today, I was on a conference call in my office with the door closed. I let out some loud farts and felt liberated. Forgot my phone was NOT on mute. There were only 3 people on the conference call - including me. FML

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7136

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By Anonymous - 1/1/2012 07:34 - United States

Today, I was going over to my friend's house for the first time. A creepy-looking old man answered, and smiled at me. I asked "Is this the right house? Does Isaac live here?" He replied "Yes, he's in the basement. Would you like a drink?" Right then, Isaac called and asked me where I was. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/9/2012 11:36 - United States - Hockessin

Today, I got a mosquito bite inside my cast. FML

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By noneoftheabove - 28/1/2009 05:21 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to buy some Ibuprofen and got asked for ID. You have to be over 16 to buy it. I'm 25. FML

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By anonymous - 3/6/2020 14:06

Stinky mom

Today, my mom once again cried that I never come to visit her. I’ve tried, but her house is just unbearable. It’s always no less than 80°F inside, and she also refuses to clean up. She just burns multiple candles and air fresheners all day to mask the smell. She refuses any cleaning help I offer. FML

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By Username - 15/8/2011 21:38 - United States

Today, I got a really bad sunburn on my face while at the lake. Not to worry, though; my friends made me feel better by saying, "It takes the attention away from your acne." FML

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By Anonymous - 27/11/2014 18:51 - United States - Athens

Today, some idiot introduced my grandmother to yoga pants. FML

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By Claire - 19/1/2013 13:51 - United States - Parkville

Today, after getting into an argument with my dad, he told me that I would make a great ex wife one day. FML

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By tooearly - 1/1/2012 08:31 - United States

Today, I told my mom I was going to a New Year's party. She told me to be back by midnight. FML

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39897

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By toadface - 4/8/2009 23:25 - United States

Today, I took my puppy outside to play. At one point, she stopped chewing on her toy and ran over to give me a big kiss all over my face and mouth. A few minutes later I realized that her chew toy was actually the dried up carcass of a toad. FML

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By creeper-status - 5/5/2016 17:37 - United States - Irvine

Today, I made a new friend at my college campus, which was great, until I added him on Facebook and he started liking posts from 3 years ago, asking if he could be my "dirty little secret" because he knows that I have a boyfriend. FML

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12036

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By Normal - 13/12/2009 04:39 - United States

Today, my brother and I got in a fight and he told my friends that I am mentally disabled. They believed him. Apparently, "everything makes sense now." FML

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By anonymous - 18/1/2012 05:06 - United States

Today, I discovered that my new landlords must meet and approve guests of mine before they come over, and guests are not allowed when they aren't home or past 11pm. I'm 25 years old and just moved out of my parents' home to get away from my controlling mother. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/5/2012 12:15 - United States - Hanover

Today, I finally got the girl of my dreams to come over for a movie. When I answered the door, my little brother ran up behind me, yelled "geronimo" and pulled down my pants and underwear. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/12/2010 00:22 - United States

Today, I gave my 7 year old a snowglobe. I had spent the last week deconstructing it, putting an action figure of his favorite cartoon character inside, and then putting it back together. Later, I find it smashed into pieces because he wanted to "play with the toy it came with." FML

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By Anonymous - 25/7/2017 00:30

Today, after 26 years of confusion with my parents pronouncing it different ways, and in my mom's case, multiple ways, having to clear up how it's spelled every time I meet someone, I asked my mom how to pronounce my name. She got mad and then pronounced it three different ways while explaining. FML

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5388

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By BrokeAF - 20/7/2017 05:01

Today, I had to empty out my coin jar to pay for gas. Trying to be considerate, I only brought quarters, but the cashier refused to take it because they didn't want to count out my $10. I don't know how I'll get to work today. FML

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5284

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By Hopelesshomeless - 12/3/2013 18:35 - United States - Cedar Rapids

Today, I moved back to my home town. My best friend and I had arranged to rent a house together that we both liked. I finished my last day at work and made the three-hour drive, only for her to break down and tell me that she isn't "ready" to move out of her parents' basement. She's 25. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/11/2010 14:20 - United States

Today, I went back to work after being sick for a week. While I was gone, they hired a new manager. Trying to score bonus points, and possibly a raise, I went to shake her hand and introduce myself. Just as I was about to say "Hello, my name is-" I sneezed right in her face. FML

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By tara - 18/12/2015 17:49 - Switzerland - Zug

Today, my husband finally revealed that he's been secretly buying a particular brand of spicy chicken, eating it on his way home from work. He does it because it makes his farts smell just the way he likes it under the duvet when we go to bed. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/3/2011 00:02 - United States

Today, I was prescribed medicine for anxiety. Without it, my stomach churns all day. With it, I shake uncontrollably and my eyes twitch. Now I have to choose between diarrhea and rude stares from people in public. FML

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By Zooep - 24/10/2016 13:54

Today, I had to prepare for my big meeting tomorrow morning. Before going to bed, I washed my face. Unfortunately, the towel I wiped myself with turned out to house our red ant infestation. My face looks like a ripe tomato. FML

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By sherronj - 7/6/2011 03:26 - United States

Today, I announced to my family that I will be trying out for the next season of America's Best Dance Crew. They responded by laughing hysterically and my mother said "You guys suck, good luck making it past auditions". FML

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By Anonymous - 25/6/2010 09:36 - United States

Today, was the third day of my camping trip with my "friends". I woke up in my boxers with my hand glued to my forehead. FML

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Top comments

By Kurliez408 | 32

#7908014 - Friday 22 May 2020 14:29

get him escorted out and bill him for anything that has to be thrown away

By AmbrosiaFan | 18

#7908094 - Friday 22 May 2020 20:16

Blacklist him from the store and report his assaulting ass.

COMMENTS

By Kurliez408 | 32

#7908014 - Friday 22 May 2020 14:29

get him escorted out and bill him for anything that has to be thrown away

Hangryko | 17

#7908031 - Friday 22 May 2020 15:44

In addition, he should be banned from the store and arrested for assault and willfully contaminating food, especially during this pandemic.

Baby_123 | 8

#7908055 - Friday 22 May 2020 17:38

I agree

By AmbrosiaFan | 18

#7908094 - Friday 22 May 2020 20:16

Blacklist him from the store and report his assaulting ass.

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7908128 - Saturday 23 May 2020 1:35

Should have punched that nasty fucker in the face...

By ptsdsucks | 18

#7908401 - Sunday 24 May 2020 8:42

depending on what country you're in, he can get charged with assault with bodily fluids, assault by intimidation, and a lot of places are charging people that intentionally cough on products during a pandemic with terrorist activity