By Anonymous - 22/5/2020 14:00

Big up retail workers

Today, an old guy got nose to nose with me, threatened me, and spit in my face, just because I politely reminded him he needed to be wearing a mask. He had been coughing on multiple food items in my store. FML

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Commando

Dangling modifier

Sorry…

By JFC

Today, I was staying over at a friend's house for the weekend while the rest of my family goes to Cuba. Her neighbor started hitting on me. As it turns out, "he" was actually born as a "she", and now I'm apparently a transphobic bitch for not being interested. Two more days to go. FML

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By FullMonty - United States - Milwaukee

Today, my 2-year-old sister walked in on me while I was showering. She began to splash around in the toilet, and as I hastily jumped out to stop her, my brother and his friend got a good look as they walked past the room. FML

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By shit Music - Slovenia - Ljubljana

Today, I forgot my headphones at home. When I got to work I found out that today was also the day the band next door had decided to practice their only song for 8 hours. FML

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By urrrppp - Netherlands

Today, I got through to the phone interview stage for a great job. When the phone rang, I answered and suddenly, spontaneously, burped really loudly. The interviewer hung up. FML

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By Roy Lawson - United States - Brea

Today, I had to bite the bullet and finally buy maternity pants. Problem is, I'm not pregnant and I'm a 25-year-old man. FML

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By Crabby - United Kingdom - Clitheroe

Today, I had to face up to telling the cute guy I just split up with that I have also probably given him pubic lice. FML

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By Yoir mom - United States - Port Richey

Very bad idea

Today, I realized I was late for work, so I rushed out of bed only to accidentally step onto my dog which then promptly bit my leg and now I'm in the ER. FML

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By Eggs - United States - Port Richey

Today, I fell down in the street when a speeding car chucked a hard-boiled egg at my butt. While I waited for the feeling in my legs to return, they came back and threw more. FML

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By pianonerd - Canada

Today, my piano teacher told me that she "forgot" to inform me that she volunteered me to play a 5 page song in a recital in front of 300 people that's happening next week. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Paignton

Asshat

Today, a potential customer was looking at a treadmill at the fitness warehouse I work at. Once he was done testing it out, I asked him if he'd like me to order it for him. His reply? "Nah. I only had a go on it 'cause it looked like fun. Hey, but you could order one for yourself, huh, chubs?" FML

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By nomoresbfun - United States

Today, I found out that my most amazing spring break ever, will be spent stuck on a ship with my ex. It's been almost two years, and he still isn't over me. Yay. This cruise shall be fun. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I staged an intervention for my dad, because his midlife crisis has spun out of control. When I told him he's now basically endangering his own life, he replied "Everyone's gonna die someday. Some sooner than others, eh porky?" FML

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By SadAndAlone - Sweden - Nacka

Today, I got the most action I've had in months when a stranger fondled my thigh on the subway. It was a blind man, searching for empty seats. FML

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By CARAPPY LUCK

Today, the transmission on my brand new car went out. I bought it last month when the transmission on my old car went out. FML

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2734

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By tLee - Canada

Today, I was laying in bed making out with a girl. After trying to figure out for a while why she was spending so much time on my neck it finally hit me. She was frantically and secretly trying to remove the gum she got stuck in my hair. She failed. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had a UTI. After, taking some sample medicine my doctor gave to me, I had a lot of back pain and nausea. I also spent 6 hours in the ER with no health insurance because I thought I was urinating blood. Nope, "peeing red" is just a little side effect my doctor forgot to inform me of. FML

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By honey soy - Australia

Today, my boyfriend was flying his toy helicopter at my head. It got stuck in my hair and I now have a bald patch. FML

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By Anonymousss95 - Sweden

Today, I lost my virginity. Afterwards, he told me that he was only doing this because he wanted to know if he still truly loves his girlfriend. FML

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By Jake - United States - Albany

Today, I woke up, thinking it was going to be a good day. However, when I looked at my phone, I saw that my girlfriend had sent me an obscene number of angry messages, which are still coming in, because I forgot to say goodnight to her last night. FML

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By Likian5 - United States

Today, I ran into my high school crush at Target. When I asked her if she remembered me, she patted me on the head, said, "Unfortunately," and walked away. FML

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By H05T1L3 - United States

Today, I woke up at 10:30 feeling great and saying to myself, "Thank goodness it's the weekend!" I then realized it's Friday and I missed my final. FML

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By Sara - Vietnam - Hanoi

Today, I paid $50 to go to a war museum. It was so boring that I fell asleep standing up, lost my balance and faceplanted the floor right in front of our tour guide. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I woke up late for work. I rushed everything, ate a quick meal and was thirsty as hell. I saw a 2-liter Coca Cola bottle, so I poured a huge glass filled with ice and ran out the door. While driving, I took a huge gulp of nice, cold thick cooking oil. FML

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By Sarah - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I told my younger brother that I'm a lesbian. Now he keeps asking me if I want to play rock, paper, vagina. FML

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By tattooooooface - United States

Today, my dad found out I got a tattoo behind his back and is really really upset. When I got home from work my car wasn't in the driveway. When I asked my dad where it was, he replied "you'll get it back when your tattoo comes off." FML

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By wellthatsawkward - United States

Today, my boyfriend came over for the first time to meet my family. The night consisted of my sisters hiding in a tent and chasing us around in it, my parents singing songs from 'The Lion King' opera-style and throwing cheese at him. Pretty sure he's freaked out. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/10/2020 09:57 - Argentina - Burzaco

The death of romance

Today, I was swiping on Tinder when the app told me there was one else left to meet. I haven't had any matches. FML

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884

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By Anonymous - 18/1/2021 02:01 - Germany - Ebersbach

Organisation rules

Today, my college is so intent on teaching us teamwork that we hardly ever get to do any assignment by ourselves. Even if we could do it better alone. Even if we spend half our time trying to find a slot where all the team members are free to meet. And of course it’s a different team for each task. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/7/2020 08:01

Protection

Today, I went on my first date in a year or so. It was going great, but after we left the restaurant, we went back to her place, where I was quickly chased out of the house by her two daughters, and her grandfather with a shotgun. FML

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By Awkward - United States

Today, while driving on the highway, I got stuck in a traffic jam. Upon glancing over at the car in the next lane, I saw it was my ex as of a week ago. We sat in barely moving traffic right next to each other for half an hour. FML

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37730

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By dragonstooth257

Today, I'm so bad at people skills when I got a call to set up a job interview, I weirded the lady out so much that she trailed off when talking about emailing me a time. This took 2 minutes to achieve. A new record. I still haven't got an email. FML

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By davifilo - Australia - Queanbeyan

Today, I went bowling. I noticed a 10-year-old holding an iPod Touch which had the exact same customized case with my name on it as my iPod that was stolen a year ago at the same bowling centre. Even better, the parents yelled at me for accusing him. I got kicked out the bowling centre. FML

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By shrek - Australia

Today, my brother dyed my white work shirt bright green because I beat him to the shower this morning. As it's my only shirt, I had to wear it to work, where there was a surprise audit and I was fired for incorrect uniform. FML

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By fuck - Canada - Cowansville

Today, about 30 seconds into my first blowjob, my girlfriend threatened to cut my balls off if I didn't "just fucking cum already". FML

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31391

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my dad came to visit me. By visit I mean he arrived, took a huge smelly dump and left. This is the first time I've seen my dad in months. FML

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By gtfb1993 - Canada

Today, I was at the laundromat, when an attractive girl set up at the machine next to mine. She looked me up and down, then noticed the skid-marks on my underwear. FML

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By potatoebee - United States - Clover

Today, my four-year-old son decided to bite my butt during prayer at church. The entire sanctuary heard me instinctively swear at him. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Alexandria

Today, my fiancé's mother gave me a beautiful cross necklace to wear for my wedding. I'm Jewish. FML

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22082

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By aaannnddd there goes my boner - United Kingdom

Today, I arrived at work six minutes late due to heavily congested traffic. This is just two days after my boss put out a memo saying that anyone who's late to work from then until the new year will have their holiday bonus pay forfeited. FML

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By onemoredonut - United States - Herndon

Today, while directing traffic in uniform, I tripped over a traffic cone and fell straight on my butt in the middle of a busy intersection. FML

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Top comments

By Kurliez408 | 32

#7908014 - Friday 22 May 2020 14:29

get him escorted out and bill him for anything that has to be thrown away

By AmbrosiaFan | 18

#7908094 - Friday 22 May 2020 20:16

Blacklist him from the store and report his assaulting ass.

COMMENTS

By Kurliez408 | 32

#7908014 - Friday 22 May 2020 14:29

get him escorted out and bill him for anything that has to be thrown away

Hangryko | 17

#7908031 - Friday 22 May 2020 15:44

In addition, he should be banned from the store and arrested for assault and willfully contaminating food, especially during this pandemic.

Baby_123 | 8

#7908055 - Friday 22 May 2020 17:38

I agree

By AmbrosiaFan | 18

#7908094 - Friday 22 May 2020 20:16

Blacklist him from the store and report his assaulting ass.

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7908128 - Saturday 23 May 2020 1:35

Should have punched that nasty fucker in the face...

By ptsdsucks | 18

#7908401 - Sunday 24 May 2020 8:42

depending on what country you're in, he can get charged with assault with bodily fluids, assault by intimidation, and a lot of places are charging people that intentionally cough on products during a pandemic with terrorist activity