Sit Up Struggles

Today, I start my second shift at my new job. Apparently, I'm closing by myself. I have no idea what I'm supposed to do. FML

Family values

Property law

Basic Instinct

By I know nothing - 5/2/2017 07:00 - Canada - Surrey

6819

505

Today, after a week of insomnia, I finally managed to fall asleep. Thirty minutes later, my friends decided to bang on my door, yelling at me to wake up and party with them. I'm now wide awake and hallucinating from lack of sleep. FML

By dmsmcd - 17/12/2010 09:48 - United States

34905

3934

Today, after 3 days of interrupted sleep, I confronted my new neighbor about the noise his wife keeps making during their "private time". He then let me know the noise is actually from his daughter, who's mentally disabled and isn't taking the move well. FML

By Anonymous - 2/7/2016 04:17 - United States - Hayward

17955

3776

Today, I had to explain to a friend that the show writers for Glee did not write "Bohemian Rhapsody" and that Freddie Mercury did not steal the song from them. We're both 17 years old, and she reacted by kicking a chair at me. FML

By Anonymous - 28/4/2013 03:16 - United States - Atlanta

48092

3420

Today, I went to the OBGYN for my annual, and noticed they now supplied babywipes. After 3 seconds of "cleaning", the intense burning started. Turns out they were antibacterial bleach wipes. FML

By Anonymous - 8/1/2011 03:09 - United States

11011

32248

Today, I lost out on a job opportunity because the interviewer said my "fake fangs are unprofessional and frankly disturbing". The "fangs" are my real canines, and they have always looked this way. FML

By (-,..,-) - 24/7/2015 17:24 - France

26933

1703

Today, it was my first day at work as a cashier. I was so nervous that my whole body got numb and my eye sight completely blurred. I ran to the bathroom blind while bumping into everything in the store, making sure that everyone knew I had a problem. FML

By Anonymous - 9/2/2011 07:32 - United States

27092

7498

Today, my crush walked me home. As my mom opens the door, she tells me in Russian how ugly he is, and that I have extremely bad taste. Out of all the languages in the world, he happens to be fluent in Russian. FML

By Anonymous - 13/10/2010 14:45 - Brunei Darussalam

47701

3937

Today, I took a shower at my girlfriend's apartment. I was wandering around, gathering my clothes when I noticed my girl doing her hair in the other room. She looked sort of peculiar, so I stood there, studying her. Half naked. I then realized it wasn't my girlfriend, but her roommate. FML

By HadToApologize - 3/11/2009 05:20 - United States

8293

22838

Today, I choked on water so hard that I threw up and shat myself. FML

By Meagan Ortiz - 16/8/2020 23:02

Wardrobe change please

1425

212

Today, I got a missed call from a job that I really really want. I completely forgot that my answer machine message was a ridiculous and rude poem that I recorded previously when I was drunk. Somehow I don't think I'll be getting a call back. FML

By Stilljobless - 19/1/2010 11:51 - United Kingdom

7053

39454

Today, while out to lunch, my sister called me and asked me to pick her up from the mall. I told her she'd have to wait. She got pissed off and started cursing at me, so I hung up on her. She called me back 37 times until I answered and yelled "WILL YOU LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE?" It was my boss. FML

By jacks_smirking_revenge - 6/3/2009 22:31 - United States

23594

52233

Today, I sold my Xbox 360 on Craigslist. I met the dude at the mall. I gave him my Xbox and a handshake for buying. I left without the money. FML

By Derek Lee - 22/5/2011 13:53 - United States

18834

70175

Today, I was babysitting, playing hide and go seek. I tried to jump behind the armchair, but it tipped, and I hit my head into the wind chimes, ripped the curtain rod from the wall, and smashed my knee into the wall. I lay on the ground in agonizing pain as the little girl shouted, "I know where you are!" FML

By jessye1182 - 11/5/2012 23:16 - United States - Yaphank

22601

6206

Today, whilst heading out the door to go to work, my lanyard got caught on the doorknob inside, and I watched my keys swing back inside as the door closed behind me. It was locked. FML

By lateforwork - 2/9/2019 14:00

Rush hour

1632

221

Today, I was fiddling with a ring my aunt hand made me, accidentally slipping it off, and dropped it in the toilet. Like an idiot, I scrambled to get it out only for my bending over to activate the automatic flush. FML

By Lostring - 2/7/2018 20:30

3035

924

Today, I sat down to use the bathroom after a long day of work. My toilet, however, had other plans, as a spontaneous, ear shattering crack flooded the entire bathroom, soaking the outer carpet and shorting out my bathroom scale. FML

By Ferniferousfern - 20/8/2018 18:30

1858

122

Today, my 11-year-old cousin walked up to me as I was enjoying a glass of wine with friends at my mother's birthday party. Thinking she wouldn't like it anyway, I let her try. The little fucker drank the entire glass in one go, adding, "Usually, daddy gives me vodka." Good to know what my family is up to. FML

By Anonymous - 6/10/2019 12:00 - Croatia

Family values

1401

492

Today, it’s my 21st birthday. The people I invited over spent most of the time talking about their LARP group which I am not a part of and so could not participate, talked over what I wanted to watch, and then it ended with an intervention by them for me because they were upset that I was upset. FML

By APersonSomewhere - 31/3/2019 18:00

1907

241

Today, after three weeks of putting it off, I decided to ask out the girl I've had a major crush on since third grade. When I told her, she smiled, but then quickly said, "But aren't you gay?" FML

By straightasaneedle - 2/2/2011 17:11 - Germany

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Today, my girlfriend came over to my place, looking drop dead gorgeous. However, she preferred the idea of sleeping, and here I am on my laptop. FML

By Crawling - 25/10/2008 16:56

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Today, my mom told me she is serving lasagna and Italian cream cake at my bridal shower. I am severely lactose intolerant, which I have been telling her for years. She responded by telling me, and I quote, "The food is for the guests." FML

By sadbride - 9/10/2018 13:30

2883

248

Today, I rented a copy How To Train Your Dragon for my young son to watch. I put the DVD in, hit play without paying attention, and went off to make lunch. A few minutes later, my son ran into the kitchen screaming. Apparently, there was a mix up at the rental store and I got a copy of Saw IV. FML

By Anonymous - 25/12/2010 23:21 - United States

44395

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Today, I locked myself out of my own shop. And I'm a locksmith. FML

By joser6969 - 29/10/2011 14:07 - United States

35848

11901

Today, I kissed the girl I love for the first time. Her reaction? She vomited. FML

By alf - 27/10/2008 02:34 - France

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7227

Today, working my pizza delivery job, I got a $45 parking ticket for parking in a no stopping zone. I argued with the bylaw enforcement officer, but no luck. I was so pissed, I yelled at him: "You have the worst job in the world", to which he replied: " Buddy, you deliver pizza!" FML

By nick - 18/10/2009 13:39 - Canada

11048

54537

Today, after I'd had hip surgery, my sister thought it would be hilarious to hide my crutches from me. I can't find them. FML

By Stuckinbed - 19/3/2020 21:00

Hippity hoppity

1724

Today, the only reason my husband agreed to marriage counselling is because he finds our therapist attractive. FML

By ouch - 1/7/2015 13:35 - Canada - Saint Marys

30592

2743

Today, I went to the hospital, which was super busy. I did a pee test when I first arrived. After 5 hours of waiting, they told me they'd lost my pee. How do you lose someone's piss? FML

By Anonymous - 19/2/2020 14:00

Pissed

1658

108

Today, I told my boyfriend that I didn't know what I was going to do over the Christmas holidays since he was going to be out of the country. He suggested that I work out and do some sit-ups. FML

By Doy - 19/12/2011 06:31 - Canada

27437

8519

Today, while on lunch break, my fat, old co-worker walked into the break-room. I managed to block out his perverted heavy breathing, but had to leave when he began emitting a terrible odor that smelled like cheesy, sweaty molding feet. I barely held onto my lunch. FML

By Brendan - 19/2/2011 21:23 - Canada

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4121

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, because apparently my mom hates him and doesn't want us to be together. My mom died six years ago. FML

By anonbob - 8/7/2011 01:28 - New Zealand

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Today, after an extremely hard day at work, I took a hot shower to wind down a little bit. I accidentally splashed a painful amount of hot water and shampoo in my eyes. My left contact is now stuck to my eyeball. FML

By Anonymous - 4/5/2011 18:05 - United States

38088

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Today, while talking to my sister, I explained to her that the reason I hope I end up having a girl is I want my daughter to love me the way I "used" to love my own mother. I didn't mean to say it in the past tense. My sister told my mom. She's planning my baby shower. FML

By mother to be - 4/8/2014 13:20 - United States

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Today, I was laying in bed making out with a girl. After trying to figure out for a while why she was spending so much time on my neck it finally hit me. She was frantically and secretly trying to remove the gum she got stuck in my hair. She failed. FML

By tLee - 19/7/2011 04:04 - Canada

41291

4442

Today, my boyfriend called me 80 times in 5 minutes. I had previously told him I was with my friends. He left me a voicemail proposing saying he loved me to death and he was crying. We've been dating for a week. FML

By anonymous - 29/12/2010 01:21 - United States

45061

5023

Today, I rode my motorcycle to an appointment and parked in the parking garage. When I got out, some ass had pushed my bike from the spot and had boxed it in between the wall and his car. Apparently, he felt he deserved the spot more than me and didn't care if I wanted to leave. FML

By MadMax - 26/6/2013 20:49 - United States - Nashua

44172

3864

Today, my son drank a bottle of hot sauce. It wasn't a dare, he actually thought that it would give him a fever so that he could skip school tomorrow. This idiot is 15 years old. FML

By Anonymous - 13/10/2014 00:38 - United States - Racine

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Today, I found out I have something in common with three other girls. We all have the same boyfriend. FML

By Bridget - 11/5/2013 04:01 - Canada - Orangeville

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