Today, I was forced to spend New Years Eve with my strict/conservative... - FML

By Anonymous - 1/1/2010 07:11 - United States

Today, I was forced to spend New Years Eve with my strict/conservative parents in the middle of nowhere in Illinois. If I had nothing else, I looked forward to watching the ball drop in NYC. As the seconds counted down the T.V. shut off. Parental controls shut down cable at midnight. FML

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Cold-blooded old times

Everyone's an expert

Alexa, play "Hey! Student" by The Fall

By misstree - 7/9/2009 08:23 - Singapore

Today, I got annoyed with my mum stopping in her tracks each time she needed to reply to a text message. I tried to show her that you can walk and text at the same time. I ended up falling into a drain. FML

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By d - 26/3/2010 07:31 - United States

Today, when I was trying to break up with my boyfriend, I told him how I needed space and time to think. His response was, "Ok, we're out of condoms anyway." FML

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By michael - 14/2/2012 02:55 - United States

Today, I found out that getting drunk and attempting to take a dump out of a second-story window is a very bad idea. FML

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By unendowed - 18/3/2012 02:11 - United States - Katy

Today, my girlfriend thought it would be a good idea to go down on me with chewing gum in her mouth. I spent next hour and a half getting Orbit out of my pubes. FML

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By onlyslightly - 30/11/2012 08:33 - United States

Today, my cat peed on my bra. I didn't realize this until after I arrived at work for my 12-hour shift. Now I'm trying to wash my bra out in the sink and stuff paper towels down it to soak up the moisture. Only 10 more hours to go, and the smell of cat pee is still lingering. FML

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By SoundConfuser - 13/10/2010 11:58 - Australia

Today, after spending the three previous nights cursing the noisiest bird alive that continually disrupts my sleep to the point where I just want to smash the damn thing's head in with a rock, I realised it's been my pedestal fan the entire time. FML

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By anonymous - 22/4/2011 10:50

Today, I was on the train to work. I was up late the night before, causing me to doze off. When I woke up, I was at my station. I stood up, went to walk out of the door and fell flat on my face on a platform full of people. Someone had tied my shoelaces together. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/4/2013 16:35 - Denmark

Today, my boyfriend dumped me because he says I need to learn how to be happy without relying on him. I'm not a clinger, I'm just unhappy because my dad recently passed away, my best friend turned on me, and I lost out on the exchange program of my dreams. FML

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By theslutmuncher - 14/12/2012 23:20 - Germany - Merseburg

Today, in the midst of his ongoing mid-life crisis, my dad forced me to accompany him for some father-son bonding. The bonding involved me driving us away at high speed after he gleefully hurled a bucket of paint all over a store window. FML

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By HelloDrMeAgain - 24/12/2016 14:45

Today my girlfriends "sheltered" 15-year-old niece is sharing our tiny home. Shortly after she arrived, I started to pass a kidney stone. I've had 3 hours of vomiting & cold sweating while passing acidic/blood and a stone in absolute agony. The niece is "traumatized". FML

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By Anonymous - 15/11/2013 09:45 - United Kingdom - Bicester

Today, I made eye contact with a cute guy from across a packed train. He then yelled out, in front of everyone, "You've got foam on your nose!" FML

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By stupid - 7/7/2009 18:33 - United States

Today, I saw a spot on my computer screen. I tried to use my finger to rub it off. Then, I tried using my nail. Then I tried to windex it off. I continued scratching at it with my nail. A half hour and one scratched screen later, I realized the spot was part of the webpage I was looking at. FML

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By FastFoodWaiter - 3/9/2012 23:43 - United States - Saukville

Today, a woman came up to me at work and screamed at me for "taking forever" to come and wait at her table. I work at Wendy's. FML

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By Hooperist - 25/5/2015 11:39 - United States - Murrieta

Today, while sick with the flu, I had the police called on me by my older neighbors downstairs. They thought I was hosting a party at 3 in the morning. I was really just throwing up constantly. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/4/2009 09:01 - Singapore

Today, my teacher called me into his office so he that he could pass me some information for my project. Just as he plugged in my thumbdrive, he opened the folder named "School Work". That was the folder name I used to disguise my porn. FML

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By puppydrama - 30/1/2013 21:05 - United States

Today, my dad and his new wife got their wedding pictures done. Out of over 150 pictures, I was only in one. The family dog was in all of them. In the one picture of me, I was holding the dog's leash while he took a dump. FML

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By Noname - 30/12/2009 16:53 - Australia

Today, after seeing a girl for a few weeks on and off I sent her a text to see if she wanted to go out the next saturday. Predictive text changed "go" to "in". So..."Why don't we in out on saturday?" She stopped calling me. FML

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By aXel - 13/10/2008 08:29

Today, my dog was watching me and started to have a hard-on, for half an hour. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/11/2010 23:39 - United States

Today, I was seated, once again, at the "too small" children's table. I'm twenty. FML

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By Not a day over 35 - 18/6/2013 13:06 - United States - Anchorage

Today, I turned 29. To celebrate, my office got me a cake that read "Happy 38th!!" The "theme" of the "party" was 'Not a day over 35!' I waited all day for someone to tell me it was all a prank, but nobody did. I spent my lunch hour crying in my car. Happy birthday to me. FML

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By me - 7/8/2011 07:22 - United States

Today, I arrived at the beach for a week's vacation. I walk on the beach only to find they are "rebuilding" it. They have heavy machinery all over the place, they work 24/7, and this only happens every 15 years. Glad I picked this week. FML

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By elow72 - 19/2/2016 21:47 - United States - Nashua

Today, I woke up at 3:45 AM to fly to Pittsburgh to sample classes at a university there. After all that flying and sitting in traffic for 2 hours, I finally got to attend to my first class. I fell asleep during it. FML

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By splooge - 28/1/2009 15:12 - United States

Today, I was in bed next to the boy I loved, he had just came and passed out immediately afterwards. I reached over to look at my phone but grabbed his instead and saw a text message from his ex-girlfriend that read "I love you too." FML

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By first time at McDonald's in months... - 27/3/2013 05:04 - United States

Today, I was at McDonald's. As I left the counter with the food, I heard the cashier mutter, "Fat ass." I turned around and demanded to see the manager. Once he came and heard the situation, he looked at me and said, "Well, it's not like he's wrong, right?" FML

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By wtfdaughter - 3/2/2015 16:59 - Brazil - Recife

Today, my daughter put a doll in the microwave "to keep her warm". She's 17. FML

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By canessadawn - 17/6/2015 07:42 - United States - Portland

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house waiting to surprise him when he got home from work. I was laying in his bed when he called to tell me we were over. I couldn't leave before he got home. FML

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By Erik Aleckson - 5/5/2019 02:00

Today, at my hotel job, I had to help a drunk naked guy back into his room. Earlier today, a fat old guy wearing only briefs came down to the lobby drunk as hell. I used to like my job. FML

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By yuckspider - 20/4/2009 00:17 - United States

Today, I saw a spider crawling on the floor but had nothing to kill it with and it hid somewhere. So, I got dressed and went out and come home for a shower, and as I'm taking off my undies, something crushed and black fell out. It was the spider and he had been in my underwear the entire day. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/6/2013 22:09 - United Kingdom - Worcester Park

Today, the crazy son of a bitch who lives next door to me once again got into a loud, rather one-sided argument with his cat. 20 minutes later, he knocked on my door, asking if he could stay at my place for a couple of days. The look he gave me when I said no has me fearing for my life. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/10/2009 16:26 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were messing around when he accidentally elbowed me in the eye and I couldn't see. He rolled over, turned on the football game, and told me to just walk upstairs and get ice. He also added that he would like a coke while I am up there. FML

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By The Last Cockbender - 6/10/2012 17:09 - United Kingdom - London

Today, a co-worker gave me a couple of CDs he said he wanted me to listen to. I got excited, thinking that they were playlists he'd made for me. They were self-help tracks. FML

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By "socially awkward cupcake " - 26/9/2017 23:15

Today, guy I like tried to talk to me. I got so nervous that I had a panic attack and puked in front of him. FML

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By pathetic_girl - 14/10/2010 14:45 - Canada

Today, I accidentally admitted to two girls in my first year university astronomy class that I have a strict 10pm bedtime. FML

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By Randomm - 12/12/2019 20:00

So cute

Today, I was walking into my school and I saw two girls kissing. Being a lesbian myself, and thinking it would be cute, I winked at them. I guess one of them had a history of cheating with a girl who looked just like me, because her girlfriend came up and punched me in the face. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/5/2014 19:23 - Canada - Sudbury

Today, I received a $20 gift card to Tim Horton's as a prize, and decided to use it. At the register, I was told that I'd essentially won an empty gift card. FML

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By fuzzy - 23/9/2009 10:43 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend is coming over. We haven't seen each other for a while so for a surprise, a few days ago, I decided to shave my pubic hair. I've come up in a huge rash that looks like some sort of infection. Not quite the sexy surprise I was hoping for. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/2/2015 09:09 - United States - Pueblo

Today, at work, a good song came on and I started dancing to it. I guess security thought my Michael Jackson crotch-grab was funny, because a printout of it is now pinned in our break room. FML

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By jaqlove - 2/7/2016 20:28 - United States - Clementon

Today, I woke up with a cockroach in my ear. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/6/2016 12:36 - Hungary - Budapest

Today, I had a horrible case of the flu. I have a fever of 102 degrees and I can't breathe through my nose. Choosing to sleep it off turns out to be enough for my mom to call me a lazy fuck and scream at me for doing nothing all day. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/9/2013 08:20 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and best friend decided to "help" by assembling my new front porch while I was away. Ecstatic, they displayed their handiwork. It's charming how the porch is precariously balanced, it leans in such a way that it appears it will fall over if you walk through the front door. FML

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Top comments

By vetter_fml | 0

#748696 - Friday 1 January 2010 14:45

Nowhere is in Kansas.

and you can watch the ball drop online...it's not the same, but...Happy New Year anyway?

By shamille | 5

#748689 - Friday 1 January 2010 14:39

what's the parental control code? i bet it's 0000

mwahahaha...

Comments

By ipwnallmen | 10

#748573 - Friday 1 January 2010 12:06

ouch. some parents just dont understand or are jsut very paranoid. hopefully your friends taped it and you can watch it there.

By Miki_xx | 0

#748576 - Friday 1 January 2010 12:07

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

The_Disturbed | 5

#748594 - Friday 1 January 2010 12:19

Yay #2, you fail. Congratulaions :D now go and get a life instead of trying to be first.

And OP...that sucks, try standing up for yourself. Depending on how old you are. If you're younger than 15, then don't bother. Older that 15, tell them where to shove their parental controls.

Reply

RyanKaufman | 7

#751379 - Saturday 2 January 2010 23:33

Don't feel too sorry for her considering NYC is an hour ahead of IL so it would be at 11. Nice try but I live in Illinois and I watched that one. It was quite nice.

Reply

gtvwls7 | 0

#753694 - Monday 4 January 2010 1:59

i noticed that too--thumbs up!

Reply

beccartist | 1

#794205 - Sunday 24 January 2010 0:10

retard. they show it every hour so each time zone gets it.

Reply

jeffav51 | 0

#2307468 - Thursday 7 April 2011 6:51

in Washington it was at 9 smarty

Reply

Dinkle | 1

#3785524 - Sunday 25 December 2011 9:07

I like you'

By ipwnallmen | 10

#748581 - Friday 1 January 2010 12:09

lol, poor miki! and she's maybe 12-14, or maybe 10-11 O.o''''

By GreenDayRHCP | 0

#748588 - Friday 1 January 2010 12:12

shouldve watched the one in LA

GREEN DAY PLAYED! yeah.

but fyl for having strict parents.

Reply

dudeitsdanny | 9

#749522 - Saturday 2 January 2010 1:06

This reminds me...
I thought New York was an hour or two ahead of Illinois...?
So... The OP should have been able to see the first ball drop.

I must still be buzzed, because typing "ball drop" made me laugh..

Reply

cxal_fml | 0

#749789 - Saturday 2 January 2010 4:17

The new york drop is recorded (surprise!!!) and played again at midnight in each of the US time zones

Reply

dudeitsdanny | 9

#749974 - Saturday 2 January 2010 6:50

I used to watch it at 9pm(as I mentioned below) when I was younger. Then at 10pm. Then 11pm. Then at midnight.

Reply

whataloadofbull | 0

#752039 - Sunday 3 January 2010 5:46

green day sucks.

Reply

WOW_idc123 | 0

#808742 - Saturday 30 January 2010 3:17

oh really? when I watch it it happens at 11pm n only at 11pm. and then i go and watch one tht happens at my time

Reply

anonymous496 | 0

#1606067 - Tuesday 26 October 2010 14:23

learn timezones retard that wouldn't work.

Reply

jeffav51 | 0

#2307483 - Thursday 7 April 2011 6:53

#4 is your really name rooroo/andy-roo/andy/andiroo/roo-de-doo/andrew?????

By ihatedads | 0

#748595 - Friday 1 January 2010 12:19

Hahaha, that sucks. I saw it drop! x3

By koolitaliano | 0

#748597 - Friday 1 January 2010 12:24

FYL!! I spent my parents are nearly as bad, they didn't let me watch tv after midnight too until I stuck up for myself a few months ago. I'm 16

By gr8nothingness | 0

#748610 - Friday 1 January 2010 12:39

try celebrating when the cell door locks you in at midnight. u should be so lucky to spend it with ppl who love you not someone who might take ur ass!

By zbot09 | 0

#748629 - Friday 1 January 2010 13:00

You're a dumb-ass. The ball drop is recorded at midnight in NYC and is replayed in every time zone at midnight. What kind of sense does that make otherwise?

By engelofthefallen | 0

#748632 - Friday 1 January 2010 13:06

I live in the central time zone as well and for as long as I can remember the ball drop has always been broadcast at 11:00.

By jf7609 | 0

#748640 - Friday 1 January 2010 13:20

I fell asleep at my computer.