Today, I was standing in a long line at the Post Office when my 3 year-old son started rubbing up and down my leg. I asked him what he was doing and he said loudly, "I'm humping you like Simon humps me!" Everyone looked at me in shocked horror. Simon is our dog. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my dog carried on with his recent habit of trying to hump me. When I told my mom, she just joked that he's my new boyfriend. Now my whole family is just calling him my boyfriend. FML
Today, I tried to cuddle Simon, my five year-old son. He wriggled away and said, "If you need a teddy bear, go buy one! Or get another Simon!" FML
Today, when I called my 2-year-old son over for a hug, he giggled and squealed as he ran over to me. He then stopped in front of me, punched me in the bollocks, and walked away quite happily whilst I was doubled over in pain. FML
Today, I was at the theatre with my 4-year-old son who was situated on my lap. Halfway through the movie, he turns to face me and states loudly, "Mommy, your legs are so furry!". Everyone watching the show turned and stared at us. FML
Today, my 14-year-old son asked his dog what she was chewing on. It wasn't until he picked it up said, "Is this what I think it is?" that I realized my son was gripping my vibrator. As I took it outside, mortified, he told his sister. FML
Today, I had to profusely apologize to a woman after my six year old son decided to crawl between her legs at the supermarket, then look up her skirt and loudly ask why she didn't have any panties on. FML
Today, while shopping for groceries, a small child pointed at my face and exclaimed : "DOGGIE!" FML
Today, I was doing my nightly exercises in the living room after my kids went to bed. My youngest got up and saw me doing some hip mobility moves that I’ll admit look a little weird. He then told his teacher that mommy was humping a pillow on the floor. FML
Today, I tried to get my golden retriever to stand in front of our church for a very short time to illustrate the point of a sermon. When I brought my dog up, he mounted the pastor's leg and began humping him. FML
Today, I pretended to be dead in front of my dog to see what he would do. He started to hump me, and when I tried to get up, he growled at me until I got back down on the ground to wait until he was finished. FML
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Top comments
null_fml 11
Before reading the last sentence, I assumed he meant a dog. I'm sure everyone around did too. Embarrassing still, but not as bad as it could be.
glorbnakcs 0
Solution: Mention to those around you that Simon is your dog. Not really a big deal.
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Comments (86)
ShaydeStar 0
Oh my....kids are so f'ing adorable...and weird.
jonny2x4 0
I've heard a 2-year old call his mom a bitch. I hope this kid didn't have a boner like the dog did.
Vedder 0
YDI for giving your dog a human name. Name your next dog "Mr. Hanson from across the street".
Ashbashcrashed 0
Ha. But it only works if the next dog goes around acting like a paedo too. So instead RENAME your dog Simon "Mr. Hanson from across the street".
MetalCraze 11
Your son is a nasty little freak where did he hear a word like hump? YDI it for using those words around your kid your a bad parent and you kid needs a shrink
gonzolove 0
Don't call someone's kid a nasty little freak, that's completely rude and uncalled for. Little kids repeat whatever they hear. I doubt the kid knows that humping is a sexual act, he probably just knows that it's that funny thing the dog does sometimes.
myballs 0
You deserve it for not teaching your child not to be stupid. It is intolerable; you deserve to be embarrassed.
iCameraJunkie 0
It's funny..but so weird >_
JAK3ZORZ 0
You see, if your name was Simon, or your brother's name was simon, this would really be an FML... I hope everyone thinks you're a chomo....
blastvortex 4
Haha. Kids will do anything for attention, won't they.... Of course, how does your 3-year-old kid know a word like that if he isn't in bad company? If you don't like it, then perhaps you should be considering what kind of a parent you've been.
Six_and_the_Moon 3
Train your dog.
Moemoemoe_fml 0
You let your dog molest your child. D: The times our dog TRIED to hump me, my mom reacted with such ferocity that it was crazy. Back then I was all surprised wondering why she was so angry at the dog since I had no idea what was going on, but now I know... XD