By WAPmeBaby - 25/8/2020 20:02 - United States

Anthony Fantano over here

Today, I'm driving with to Vancouver with my aunt. It's been four hours and she still hasn't gotten tired of her lone Nickelback CD yet. FML

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Last dates

Thanks, I'm cured!

That'll be Kevin in accounting

By ugh - 5/10/2010 00:57 - United States

Today, I asked my mom why she decided to be a parent. She replied, in all seriousness, "Everyone else was doing it." FML

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By HungryStudent - 20/8/2014 18:59 - Puerto Rico - Carolina

Today, my 24-year-old, unemployed brother stole all of my food money and went out with his friends. His punishment from our parents? He has to pay me back when he gets a job. My stomach has to wait. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/6/2018 12:00 - United States - Bellevue

Today, I walked in on my daughter making out with a piece of paper with someone from the cast of IT taped to her pillow. FML

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By ApparentlyEmo - 18/2/2010 06:06 - United States

Today, my mom called asking for advice on how to flirt with her personal trainer. I thought she was joking and asked her what Dad would think. Turns out they're getting divorced. They decided this three weeks ago. No one told me. FML

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By scumbag i guess - 8/9/2012 00:26 - United States - El Paso

Today, I went out to a club, hoping to score. I'd read about a trick pickup artists use called "negging" and decided to try it out. As I finished complimenting a girl for being brave enough to have not made much of an effort with her makeup, she slammed her knee between my legs. FML

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By anonymous - 16/9/2013 05:35 - United States - Hillsboro

Today, a lady stormed into the pharmacy I work at and chewed me out because the medicine I sold her the day before gave her horrible diarrhea as a "side effect". I checked, and it was the medicine she asked for - laxatives. FML

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By SuddenlyDogless - 22/2/2017 13:00 - Canada - Beachville

Today, my dog has very watery diarrhea. I laid down paper towels to soak it up, and went to get sanitary wipes for the rest of it. When I came back, my dog had dragged the paper towels up onto the sand coloured loveseat. Sand coloured no longer. FML

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By me - 12/3/2012 02:49 - United States

Today, a guy came by my house and demanded my fiancé come out and fight. He explained that my fiancé had been stupid enough to not only troll on a local interest forum, but to leave his name and our address, inviting people to "come shut me up if you think you're tough enough." FML

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By ShandiPandiDerp - 20/5/2016 12:12 - United States

Today, my phone charger caught fire. I was thankful to be there to witness it. I was not thankful for having been holding it while this happened, as my shirt caught on fire. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/12/2015 10:41 - South Africa - Johannesburg

Today, after working my ass off for months trying to prove myself, I received an email from my boss regarding the end-year function. Excited to be invited, I opened the email just to see I'm the only one being left behind to answer the phones. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/2/2015 02:43 - United States - Titusville

Today, I gave birth to a baby girl. Where was my husband after the agony finally ended? Standing just outside the room, flirting with a nurse. FML

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By oktober2nd - 13/10/2018 06:30 - United States - Beaverton

Today, I woke up for the first time In 5 days with relief from a debilitating migraine, only to have my arm and shoulder completely numb and a sharp pain running from my neck to my elbow. I have a pinched nerve and dislocated disk in my neck. FML

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By hoppgrasser - 12/11/2016 15:17 - United States

Today, I finally got the courage to ask out a girl I've had a crush on for months now. She told me I was very cute and then walked off. I still don't have an answer. FML

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By _Oblivion_ - 27/11/2011 01:51 - United States

Today, I fractured my finger setting up a rat trap. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/9/2020 02:02

Denied

Today, my wife asked me what I wanted for my birthday, and I said sex. She told me to grow up and ask for something more realistic. FML

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By FMLer - 27/5/2011 20:57 - United States

Today, I found out that since I stopped shaving my legs, my boyfriend and his friends have started referring to me as a Wookiee. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/10/2010 16:17 - United States

Today, a hummingbird somehow got into my house. I spent two and a half hours trying to get it out after finally using a blanket to catch it. I run outside to release it from my hands, and it flew back into my house. FML

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By LasagnaRawks - 9/11/2009 10:24 - United Kingdom

Today, I discovered that my boyfriend only stayed with me because he didn't want to "be alone," and now that he has a new girlfriend, apparently he won't be. We were together for three and a half years. FML

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By crunch time - 1/1/2018 19:30 - United States - Jacksonville

Nice.

Today, while working out at the gym, I paused to check out a beautiful woman. The guy behind me said "Are you going to do your set or are you going to keep staring at my wife?" FML

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By Anonymous - 17/8/2016 15:18 - Australia - Adelaide

Today, my brother showed my wife a Craigslist ad by someone seeking casual sex. It had very specific details that made it seem like I wrote it. My brother later admitted in private that he made the post as revenge for me not loaning him $500 last month. Meanwhile, my wife still thinks I'm unfaithful. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/10/2014 20:46 - United States - Gainesville

Today, I received an email from an angry parent, demanding that I give his daughter an A on a project which I had given her a 0 on. The project was to pick an article related to science and to write an essay on it. Hers was a hoax article relating to Ebola patients rising from the dead. FML

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By lunarstrain - 8/11/2011 06:11 - United Kingdom

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend trying to have sex with a piece of fruit. FML

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By Ash_U - 19/8/2017 16:00

Today, I had to dig through my dog's poop again because I thought I saw a worm, but it was just the remains of the paper towels my husband leaves all over the house. My efforts to make them both stop have obviously fallen on deaf ears. FML

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By noname - 18/2/2013 01:28 - United States - Middletown

Today, after being in the hospital for 2 weeks after emergency abdominal surgery, my girlfriend, who didn't even bother to ask how I was, made me hobble to her house just to dump me and send me straight back home. FML

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By hcditfi5foygy - 31/8/2018 20:30

Today, I went to my dorm's community bathroom to do my business. After releasing the Kraken, as I was wiping, I accidentally let go of the toilet paper. Instead of the toilet, it hit the floor in the next stall. Someone was in there. FML

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By moorox45 - 16/1/2012 17:10 - United States

Today, I put on a pair of sneakers that I'd left outside, and went jogging. After several minutes of pain, I pulled off one of the sneakers, only to find dozens of baby spiders had moved in. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/4/2013 16:09 - Netherlands

Today, I had a big party planned. All but one of the guests cancelled. See you at 7, mom. FML

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By Unhappymothersday - 17/5/2012 20:41 - United States - Raleigh

Today, I woke up to the sound of my car being stolen. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/8/2015 02:16 - United States - Dayton

Today, I found my daughter sobbing and trying to stick a wad of gauze to her vagina. She was having her first period. FML

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By Fuzzy - 8/1/2010 07:56 - Australia

Today, I was watching Star Wars : Attack of the Clones, and Yoda was using the force to move a heavy object. While in the middle of my loungeroom, I instinctively put my hand up to use the force to help him, infront of my father and sister. My sister will never let me live it down. FML

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By KmartFart - 4/10/2009 16:25 - United States

Today, I had a surprise birthday party for my mom who turned 57. About an hour into the party, I look over at my mom and she was grinding all over my best friend while holding a bottle of tequila in her hand, and a pair of leopard skin panties hanging out of her pants. FML

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By sarskii - 16/8/2010 23:01 - United States

Today, my mother found out that I'm sexually active. She wants me to tell my father. I'm seventeen, and my father still has trouble grasping the fact that I carry a purse, because it means I'm "growing up." This should be fun. FML

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By no she wasn't high - 2/12/2013 02:50 - United States - Garland

Today, I had to explain to my daughter that just because it says non-toxic on the crayons, it doesn't mean that you should eat them. She's 16. FML

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By notgettingany - 24/11/2010 17:18 - United States

Today, is my daughter's first birthday. Today also marks 1 year and 9 months since I last had sex with my wife. FML

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By golfstar11 - 11/12/2012 02:05 - United States - Savannah

Today, I was doing a presentation in front of my boss. On the last slide, someone had put a picture of a man's cock. I later found out it was my boss who did it. It was his "good reason" to fire me. FML

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By - 10/2/2020 01:00

Where it is?

Today, my girlfriend and I were doing the deed when she suddenly said, "Hold on babe, I think my nose ring fell out." After she couldn't find it for a minute, she said "I'm sure it's on the bed somewhere." Immediately after that, she yelled, "OH MY GOD I JUST SWALLOWED IT." FML

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By Traveler - 9/10/2015 02:06

Today, I learned that your crotch can just light up on the body scanner in the airport for no apparent reason; and when that happens, a thorough pat down of that area will be performed by a confused security officer. FML

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By Yudansha - 14/2/2009 03:10 - Canada

Today, we wrote valentine's day poems in class. I wrote a very depressing poem about how I was rejected by all the girls I like and how it hurt to be alone. When it was read to the class, they laughed and told me it was hilarious. Even the teacher. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/10/2019 00:01

Invisible Woman

Today, I accidentally overslept and missed a morning breakfast at work, one I never get to have when it happens. Not only did my boss say nothing about me being absent, he even asked me if the food was good. FML

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By s3xygrandpa - 6/11/2013 19:09 - United States - Palm Harbor

Today, despite my fear of using public restrooms, I was forced to anyway to avoid my bladder exploding. I was finally getting over it when someone stuck their head under the stall to "see if someone's in there". I'm scared more now than I was before. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 28

#7933813 - Tuesday 25 August 2020 20:08

Are we having fun yet?

Yeah-et?

Yeah-et?

By grantssss | 3

#7933842 - Tuesday 25 August 2020 22:26

Aunthony Auntano

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 28

#7933813 - Tuesday 25 August 2020 20:08

Are we having fun yet?

Yeah-et?

Yeah-et?

By grantssss | 3

#7933842 - Tuesday 25 August 2020 22:26

Aunthony Auntano

By mccuish | 17

#7933882 - Wednesday 26 August 2020 7:31

Which Nickelback album is it? I give some points if it was the feed the Machine’s album

By AmbrosiaFan | 18

#7933997 - Wednesday 26 August 2020 18:05

Tell Auntie if you are driving you control the tunes.

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7934776 - Sunday 30 August 2020 6:36

I'm through with driving inside this car I've never been in
It's like the bottom of my life, and I'm never gonna win
This drive hasn't turned out quite the way I want it to be