By weedvocate

All in the Family

Today, my mother brought home dinner for 4 people. I was not one of those people. The dog, however, was. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1675

You deserved it

126

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Vulture

Broken heart

Out of it

By hellangelrose - France

Today, I was staying in my family friend's house in France. The church bells ring every hour, which I thought was cute. Until 8 this morning where they rang 24 times. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35250

You deserved it

4065

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By Just me - United States

Today, I found out that the man who offered to put up the woman I love in exchange for me helping out with his rent, has in fact been her "other" boyfriend since before she moved in. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26564

You deserved it

4442

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By Lana - Austria

Today, while sitting at my desk at work, a co-worker asked for my help. It was only after I had walked over to his desk, bent over, answered his question, and walked back to my stall, that I felt a breeze. My tube top had slid down across my breasts, revealing my bra to the entire office. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12832

You deserved it

43484

Favorite

By miji

Today, for the fifth time in a row, my parents tried to discuss my pooping habits with me at the dinner table. This time, we had guests. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2815

You deserved it

178

Favorite

By Anonymous - Germany - Ammerndorf

The cheek!

Today, my daughter used her spare key to get into my house while I was at work, then took and pawned off all of my jewelry. She only confessed when I confronted her with video camera footage. Her defense was that I told her I'd leave her everything in my will. Honey, I'm not dead yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51902

You deserved it

5278

Favorite

By rain - United States

Today, I called the number a guy had given me at a bar last night. I got the Soulja Boy Hotline. Now every few hours I get messages on my phone like 'Good morning! Jump on up and get yo swag on, this is Soulja Boy!' and I can't seem to get it to stop. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54558

You deserved it

8411

Favorite

By not-so-happy-feet - Canada

Today, I was at my friends birthday party, dancing bare foot because my feet hurt from the heels. Apparently, someone dropped a glass on the dancefloor and didn't warn anybody. I ended up having to drive myself to the emergency room because all my friends were "having too much fun to leave." FML

I agree, your life sucks

49958

You deserved it

6435

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By wreckdit - United States

Today, I discovered that my roommate is a drug dealer and has been keeping her product in our flat. I discovered this when several police officers broke down my bathroom door and arrested me while I was in the shower. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12617

You deserved it

704

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By Anonymous - 18/2/2021 07:58 - United States - Edison

Booze don't cure the blues

Today, it was my birthday, and even the person who seemed excited about me finally turning 21 and can legally drink forgot. Guess who got drunk alone tonight? This guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

727

You deserved it

126

Favorite

By needs_another_loan - United States

Today, while I was at work, my wife discovered you cannot put out a grease fire with water. I came home to a frantic spouse, a fire department bill, and a newly destroyed kitchen. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32527

You deserved it

2593

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By Scholar - United States

Today, for the second day in a row, I got to hear both of my roommates having sex, through two closed doors and a hallway. This is as I hit my thirtieth month of involuntary celibacy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27359

You deserved it

3894

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By unluckybirthdaykid

Today, my birthday, was going great until my boyfriend received a text from a girl saying he gave her chlamydia. Now I have no boyfriend, but at least I have the chlamydia keeping me company. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5424

You deserved it

390

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Denver

Today, I was packing, when my parents told me to put my little sister's toothbrush in the top pocket of their suitcase. The pocket I opened had 3 unopened boxes of condoms in it. We're going to my gran's house, and I'm going to be sleeping on a mattress on the floor of their room. FML

I agree, your life sucks

58145

You deserved it

5452

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Boulder

Today, I heard my husband say from outside, "Seriously Dan, what could go wrong?" This was followed a few seconds later by a bang and screaming. Turns out he'd tried to smash his head through a wooden plank like a martial artist and failed. He ended up with splinters and a concussion. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44824

You deserved it

5263

Favorite

By Boredom - United States

Today, I tried to suck my own penis. Autofellatio. My mother walked in on me and I flipped backwards off the bed. ER and 10 stiches above my eyebrow later, I asked her not to ever bring it up again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18692

You deserved it

75431

Favorite

By blue - United States

Today, I was put on notice at work due to my "anger problem." Apparently, sighing in a meeting means you will be labeled as someone with a short temper. However the creepy stalker guy is on the fast track to management. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26479

You deserved it

3100

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - New Orleans

Today, I was up late and heard my mother and her boyfriend come home. After a full minute of bed-creaking action, I heard him exclaim, "I did it! A new record, haha!" I can't get it out of my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23715

You deserved it

1868

Favorite

By UnluckyReporter - United States - Lexington

Today, I lost control of my car on a patch of ice and slid off the road, messing up my car. I was working on a news story about bad road conditions. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19187

You deserved it

2914

Favorite

By not a dumbass pothead - United States - Sparks

Today, I went out drinking with my tattoo artist brother-in-law. I was so wasted that I agreed to let him try working on me. I woke up with a tattoo of an animated marijuana plant smoking a cigarette. This'll look just great when I'm defending clients in court. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26772

You deserved it

46591

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By WronglySad619 - United States

Today, after mourning and making my girlfriend cancel her big birthday party, I found out my grandma didn't actually die. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18903

You deserved it

28493

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By catherineratley - United States - Carmi

Today, I shut my finger in the car door. The door locked. Then I dropped the keys on the ground and couldn't reach them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35358

You deserved it

2971

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By SoCalStoopid - United States

Today, to save money, I bought some meat in bulk. When I got home, I was told that power to the neighborhood was out, and probably would be for days. Rather than let the meat rot, I barbecued it all and gave it away to my neighbors. The power came on while everyone was eating. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33856

You deserved it

4439

Favorite

By kawood - United States

Today, I had to sit in the hospital with my 88-year-old grandfather by myself. During the five hours I was there, he insisted on sharing the intimate details of his many sexcapades that he has had since World War II. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27403

You deserved it

3090

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that I'm 8 weeks pregnant. Tomorrow, I'm supposed to be leaving for Paris with my college abstinence group for a year. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13384

You deserved it

80898

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By LynnJ - Canada

Today, I walked past a group of men at the mall and one of them mooed at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33205

You deserved it

6921

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Louisville

Today, my in-laws kept mocking me for being "too clean" because I take a shower every day. They think I'm weird and kept saying things like "Be careful when you hug your daughter, she might squeak!" and calling me names like "water-wasting bitch." They haven't stopped all day. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51133

You deserved it

4394

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, I was T-boned at an intersection. In an ambulance. On the way to the hospital after being T-boned at an intersection. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42547

You deserved it

2057

Favorite

By no more flips - United States - Columbus

Today, I decided to impress my friends by doing a flip on the trampoline. What did impress them, was my lack of tears after I hit the edge of the trampoline and broke my nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26717

You deserved it

7000

Favorite

By Ashley J. - United States

Today, my family gathered at my 96 year old great-grandmother's surprise birthday party that was my idea. When she walked in, we surprised her so much that she literally had a heart attack. She is now in the hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks

60145

You deserved it

17486

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Ridley Park

Today, I overheard a coworker talking about going to what sounded like a dentist's appointment. As she left later, I jokingly said "Remember to open wide!" Turned out her appointment was with her OB/GYN, not a dentist. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18298

You deserved it

7691

Favorite

By Anonymous

Noise annoys

Today, my little brother got a violin. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1653

You deserved it

269

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, after having finally kicked my insomnia's ass after three hours, I was woken up by something I only thought happened in movies. Someone had paid for a Mariachi band to play for their girlfriend, outside my apartment, in the middle of the night. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27424

You deserved it

1679

Favorite

Today, my ex of 5 years got engaged after 5 months of us "taking a break." FML

I agree, your life sucks

2046

You deserved it

293

Favorite

By Trainer Calypso - United States - Schofield

Today, I went to celebrate Thanksgiving with my family. I watched as my uncle and his girlfriend snuck off to the bathroom together, where they stayed until someone else tried to get in. When they came out, she was wiping her mouth. I need new eyes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42919

You deserved it

4064

Favorite

By maddy - France

Today, I'm looking for a job, and the employer I spoke to by phone was busy, but before hanging up he said "we will call you soon". I still wonder how he plans to do so without even having asked for my number. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22736

You deserved it

2600

Favorite

By Crumpet - Canada

Today, I realized that when my boyfriend said, "I'll love you forever" what he really meant was, "I'll love you until I meet your significantly more attractive sister." FML

I agree, your life sucks

54922

You deserved it

5273

Favorite

By pinoyson - United States

Today, I was texting a girl that I've liked for some time. When I asked her what she was doing, she replied "texting and p.s. I love you". I replied by telling her my feelings for her. Turns out "p.s. I love you" was the name of the movie she was watching with her friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44826

You deserved it

12887

Favorite

By toiletgirl - United States

Today, I was on AIM talking to a really cute guy, whom I've had a crush on for forever, when he asked me to video chat. I got so excited and immediately pressed accept, without thinking. Not until he started screaming and cursing did I realize that I was still using my laptop on the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10925

You deserved it

63685

Favorite

By Jmdezy - United States

Today, I was drunk and sent my friend a picture of my penis. He edited the picture and put hands and sunglasses on it before sending it to practically everyone I know. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10755

You deserved it

24090

Favorite

By WesJaz - United States

Today, I was working as a cashier and a woman brought up a suitcase. As I was ringing her up I checked inside like I'm supposed to and I very jokingly say, "Look at all the stuff you're stealing." She laughed nervously then hit me in the head with her heavy purse before running out of the store. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36427

You deserved it

4440

Favorite

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 30

#7892265 - Wednesday 25 March 2020 16:58

A few days ago, they didn't heat your room -- now they aren't feeding you. Take the hint: Move Out!

By MidnaLink | 33

#7892262 - Wednesday 25 March 2020 16:40

Take her plate when dinner is served.

COMMENTS

By MidnaLink | 33

#7892262 - Wednesday 25 March 2020 16:40

Take her plate when dinner is served.

By RichardPencil | 30

#7892265 - Wednesday 25 March 2020 16:58

A few days ago, they didn't heat your room -- now they aren't feeding you. Take the hint: Move Out!

By Cody Vertigo Bonthoux | 15

#7892360 - Wednesday 25 March 2020 21:58

do your mom is the dog's bitch

By GalaxyGirl1123_fml | 13

#7894658 - Friday 3 April 2020 10:06

She needs to figure out that she's a mom.