Age ain't nothing but a number - FML

Age ain't nothing but a number

By Anonymous - 19/04/2020 08:00

Today, I was asked for ID to purchase decorative scissors. I was buying them to make my wedding decorations. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 377

You deserved it 161

Empathy lives

Triage

You tried

By badtiming - 15/09/2010 04:15 - United States

Today, I saw a bad car wreck. I pulled over and ran to the car to find an unconscious man behind the wheel. Another car pulled up, and a guy got out. I was relieved to have help, until, to my horror, he started trying to hit on me. I was stuck with him until the ambulance arrived. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 009

You deserved it 3 280

Nice parents you've got there…

By Anonymous - 13/04/2021 10:59 - United States - San Diego

Today, one of my fourth-graders came up to me and asked, "Can you please not put my test grades in the weekly folders? My mom likes to get mad when I get below a 90." FML

I agree, your life sucks 858

You deserved it 68

By sysadmin:~# rm -rf / - 12/09/2013 19:40 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, my self-esteem sank so low that I sabotaged my workplace's corporate network, then fixed it, just so I could feel needed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 631

You deserved it 7 400

By FuckMcDonalds - 30/05/2018 20:30

Today, while working at McDonald's, I was pulled into the manager's office and informed that I'd been caught stealing money from the safe. When I told them to show me the security footage, they refused and fired me on the spot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 091

You deserved it 267

By Anonymous - 24/02/2010 04:22 - United States

Today, I had to file for bankruptcy because my ex-wife didn't want to pay for the house she didn't want me to have in the divorce, and didn't bother to have my name removed from the loan before she filed bankruptcy herself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 781

You deserved it 3 566

By mlowy - 09/05/2014 05:35 - Azerbaijan - Baku

Today, my computer crashed and lost all of its data while I was making a back up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 090

You deserved it 4 159

The price of love

By Anonymous - 27/10/2019 20:00

Today, same-sex marriage is finally legal in my country. However, it's taken so long since I got engaged that our perfect wedding venue has gone out of business, and everywhere else is at least three times the price. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 710

You deserved it 336

By Screwed - 22/04/2009 17:46 - United States

Spicy

Today, I brought a cute guy back from the bar to have sex. He was drunk, so he had trouble getting it up, and I said jokingly "you need to work on that". We fell asleep, and I woke up the next morning to him gone and a note that said "you need to work on not farting in your sleep". FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 341

You deserved it 86 514

By Anonymous - 06/06/2013 12:38

Today, at the office, my most annoying client asked me to send her a document. I have now sent it to her over 5 times, in a different format each time, and every single time she replies with, "Not in the requested format". She won't tell me what the requested format is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 259

You deserved it 4 386

By Novocain - 20/04/2009 05:20 - Australia

Today, I went to my new dentist and before he started looking at my teeth, I told him my previous dentist had never found a single thing wrong with my teeth. After looking around, he chuckled humourlessly and called my last dentist idiotic. I now have a $580 bill and a root canal next week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 422

You deserved it 5 357

Brain melt

By coco1234 - 09/03/2020 12:35

Today, I stood there for 10 minutes trying to fix the toaster, until I called my brother to help me. I'd forgotten that it wasn't plugged in. He now thinks I'm a complete idiot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 482

You deserved it 1 347

By stuck - 12/06/2016 05:59 - Sweden - H?gersten

Today, I tried to break up with my boyfriend. He decided to lock me in the apartment until I say that we are in fact still together. This is the 4th time he has done this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 098

You deserved it 4 313

Cats rule the world

By Tony - 02/01/2021 08:01 - United States - Dearborn

Today, my geriatric cat apparently leaked a little before he got to the litter box because when I went to use the bathroom, I slipped on the puddle. My left foot slammed into the kick panel of the cabinet and now my second toe is purple, swollen and tender. I may have broken my toe by slipping on cat piss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 784

You deserved it 118

How to invite someone without actually inviting them

By Anonymous - 03/08/2021 07:59 - Denmark - Copenhagen

Today, my parents asked me if I was sure I didn't want to join them on a family trip tomorrow with my sister. I was never invited, and unlike the rest of the family, I have a full-time job where I can't just take days off with no warning. This is how they announce most "family trips" to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 034

You deserved it 45

By DL06 - 08/04/2009 07:19 - United States

Today, I met a guy online. We talked all night long and hit it off amazingly. He told me he'd never felt that way about anyone else, and I agreed. He sent me a picture and he was gorgeous. I sent him one after he assured me he didn't care what I looked like. I haven't heard from him since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 74 399

You deserved it 12 526

By Anonymous - 16/05/2015 09:11 - United Kingdom - Aberdeen

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend decided to suddenly stop in the middle of sex, just as I was actually starting to enjoy myself, just to bear hug me and exclaim, "Crikey, she's angry!" in the voice of Steve Irwin. He laughed so hard at his own joke that he went soft and couldn't continue. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 390

You deserved it 3 662

Why People Break Bad

By Gnomead - 12/08/2018 18:30

Today, I got turned down for a home for low income people because my income was too low. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 089

You deserved it 195

By Anonymous - 20/06/2011 05:45 - United States

Spicy

Today, my husband bought me a bouquet of roses. They caused me to sneeze seven times in a row. That was the closest he's ever got me to an orgasm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 782

You deserved it 8 565

By tiredeolfatty - 21/09/2012 02:40 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I was having a race with a little kid. I let him win to make him feel like a champion. After the race, he turned to me and said, "Maybe if you weren't so fat you would have won." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 532

You deserved it 4 512

By Claustrophobic - 04/04/2013 07:12 - United States

Today, I was on a plane in the aisle seat; the guy in the middle was encroaching on my space, and the window seat was not taken. The stewardess noticed my discomfort and suggested the guy move so we both had space. He had bought both seats and "liked sitting in the middle." FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 210

You deserved it 2 411

By ivyleaguebabe - 03/06/2009 21:48 - United States

Today, my sister asked me to help her set up for my niece's birthday party. Being the lazy person that I am, I got my niece to blow up the non-helium balloons. Apparently she's allergic to latex and I'll be the one paying for the hospital bill. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 731

You deserved it 59 876

By Stupid Pregnancy Brain - 18/11/2016 13:45

Today, I'm 8 weeks pregnant and suffering from severe pregnancy brain. I was making my husband's lunch to take to work. I realised shortly after he left that I'd used dish soap instead of BBQ sauce for his sandwich. He has to turn his phone off for work, so I have no way to warn him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 985

You deserved it 1 741

By Anonymous - 14/01/2018 06:00

Spicy

Today, after faking my orgasms for several years, I found out that my boyfriend has been telling his friends that I'm super loose because he doesn't feel anything when I'm cumming. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 639

You deserved it 12 715

By confused - 07/04/2013 14:51 - Australia - Glen Waverley

Today, I was at University when a giant mascot started walking in my direction. As they walked past, they whispered my name seductively. I still don't know who it was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 600

You deserved it 5 310

By Anonymous - 08/01/2016 17:38 - Canada - Newmarket

Today, I now accept how stupid I was to marry a man whose plans for the future all start with "When I win the lottery..." FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 497

You deserved it 9 621

Fake plates

By Blake - 02/11/2021 03:59 - Mexico - Mexico

Today, I received a traffic ticket by mail, presumably for speeding. Not a big deal, if my car hadn't been totalled three months ago. My driver's license is expired, too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 829

You deserved it 101

By Wtf is wrong with her - 30/12/2012 05:20 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I had to watch my drunk girlfriend yell at a cat for not having periods. The worst part is that she was at a pet store. The pet store at which I work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 833

You deserved it 3 736

By Nirah - 26/07/2019 21:00 - Canada - Parksville

Today, I'm a week into a prescription of extremely constipating antibiotics. I also just caught the stomach bug going around at work that causes aggressive diarrhea. The two combined mean I have a constant, slow-moving stream of thick, foul-smelling sludge coming out of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 963

You deserved it 141

By Female_Lucifer - 20/10/2013 13:02 - United States - New Lebanon

Spicy

Today, my father was taking pictures of my friend and me as we got ready for homecoming. After the pictures were taken, he offered to show us. He scrolled one picture too far and ended up showing us a picture of his penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 228

You deserved it 5 140

By dumbblonde - 06/08/2009 03:04 - United States

Today, I was sitting at the computer when this really annoying fly kept landing on the keyboard. After a while, I took the bottom of a pen and squished it. Twenty minutes later I absentmindedly started chewing at the bottom of the pen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 251

You deserved it 62 221

By anonymous001 - 08/01/2013 19:58 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I went to the movies with my crush, who had asked me out on a date. Assuming he'd pay, I left my money at home. When the time came to buy the tickets, he only bought one for himself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 891

You deserved it 68 711

Family ain't all it's cracked up to be

By Fitz - 09/09/2021 22:59

Today, I finally read an email I'd been avoiding. I thought it would be from my dad whom I haven't spoken to in years, and that he was checking on me during the pandemic. It turned out to be spam. The last contact I had with anyone related to my dad was one of his ex's friends, saying she was in jail and needed help. FML

I agree, your life sucks 747

You deserved it 76

By Anonymous - 27/03/2015 20:28 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I found my dad's porn stash on his laptop. I went through it for a laugh to see what kind of sick, twisted shit he's into. Mostly nude pictures of my mum, as it turns out. I can't wipe the afterimage from my mind. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 883

You deserved it 42 532

Self-own

By Anonymous - 20/01/2021 08:01

Today, out of nowhere, I started violently choking on my own saliva and shat myself in the process. FML

I agree, your life sucks 961

You deserved it 102

By Anonymous - 03/10/2009 12:29 - United States

Today, I spent the entire day packing my car full of boxes for my move tomorrow. When I finally finished, I realized I didn't have the car key. It's inside one of the boxes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 675

You deserved it 32 129

By bowler99 - 12/01/2015 16:43 - United States - Brooklyn

Spicy

Today, my little brother walked in on me and my girlfriend having sex and threatened to tell my parents. I paid him $30 to keep quiet. 15 minutes later he told them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 163

You deserved it 15 053

Health hazard

By lacie - 08/04/2021 21:30

Today, multiple customers have complained about my body odor. Not only can I not smell anything, but I shower three times a day and brush my teeth seven times a day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 842

You deserved it 101

By n/a - 25/11/2009 07:36 - United States

Today, I was working at a children's play centre, and my stomach was twisting and turning. Thinking no one was around, I let out a small fart, only to turn and see a little girl running to her mom yelling, "Mommy-mommy that lady just farted and it sounded like daddy!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 056

You deserved it 27 411

By Anonymous - 16/02/2017 08:00 - United States - Anchorage

Today, during the worst flu we've ever had, my wife and I have to go out into thirty-below weather to get firewood because the furnace broke down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 322

You deserved it 449

Get a vasectomy, dude

By grace - 05/10/2021 02:00

Today, my boyfriend told me he hoped I don’t get pregnant because he’d hate to have to dump me to escape fatherhood. Thinking he was making an insensitive joke about my single pregnant sister, I asked how many women he dumped for falling pregnant. He looked me dead in the eye and said, "Four." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 121

You deserved it 177

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Sunday 19 April 2020 16:12

Girl I feel you, one time I was carded when trying to buy Elmer’s glue. I’m a teacher.

AstroTurf Matador 8

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Sunday 19 April 2020 8:23

OK, and....?

Comments

AstroTurf Matador 8

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Sunday 19 April 2020 8:23

OK, and....?

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Sunday 19 April 2020 20:11

I had the exact same reaction. Sometimes I really don't get people.

RichardPencil 30

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Sunday 19 April 2020 10:34

It is a good murder weapon. You have to get a background check to get a gun, the least you can do for decorative scissors is an ID.

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Sunday 19 April 2020 16:12

Girl I feel you, one time I was carded when trying to buy Elmer’s glue. I’m a teacher.

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Sunday 19 April 2020 23:06

Is this an American thing that minors can't buy scissors?

alogoc 12

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Thursday 23 April 2020 16:18

Recently I was asked to show my ID to the cashier lady at the supermarket because I was buying alcohol. I am 30 years old, I have a big beard, and a baby. Initially I thanked her for the compliment but then I realized she was not joking....lol

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Saturday 25 April 2020 1:13

I get you. I'm 18 and I was carded for buying a blouse. The cashier guy asked me if I could show him where my parents were. 😂 Apparently he was not joking 😂

Nearly

Today, I feel like I'm going crazy as I'm in a 2-year relationship with a guy who's 17 years older than me (I'm 23). He's a wonderful partner and I'm totally in love, but the age gap causes monthly, sometimes daily, shifts between wanting to have it all with him, and wanting to leave him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5

You deserved it 29

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41

You deserved it 23

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I found out my husband has to take Viagra to get it up with me. He never needed it with his ex-wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 651

You deserved it 196

Today, my boyfriend has spent all morning claiming there’s nothing to do when it’s raining outside. Sex is always an option, but he’s missed all my hints, including stripping naked and kissing him, because he thought I was on my way to get a shower instead of trying to fuck him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 873

You deserved it 266