By Anonymous - 4/4/2020 05:00

Abandoned

Today, I found a baby in a cradle on my doorstep. I was shocked that someone would do this, so I picked it up and uncovered the baby. It was actually a rudimentary stink bomb that went off in my face when I uncovered it. FML

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Out of it

Season finale

And probably giggling

By Branman2480 - United States

Today, while I was working at the golf course, two kids stole a golf cart and pulled a snowboard behind it. When I tried to stop them, they ran me over. FML

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By iAmJasper - United States - Sun Prairie

Today, my friends came over to my house to eat my food and make fun of me as they played on my Xbox. FML

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By Amazon Ruined My Life

Today, my mother opened her birthday gift in front of my entire family. Two days ago, I ordered an essential oil diffuser and flesh light from Amazon. Guess which one she got? FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, while surfing facebook I noticed someone in my network had recently shifted his relationship status from undeclared to "single." We've been dating exclusively for nine months. FML

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By jentown11 - United States

Today, I told my husband I wanted a divorce. He told me he didn't. End of discussion. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/5/2020 23:05

What a charmer

Today, after surgery on Monday, I can’t do much because of where my scars are until they heal. My husband won’t clean the house at all, dishes are all over my kitchen bar, laundry is all piled up by the washing machine. When I asked for help, he said it’s not his job. FML

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By selfesteemloss - Spain - Barcelona

Today, I was flirting with a cute bartender on my last day in Spain. It was going well until we somehow got onto the topic of how I was recently dumped by my boyfriend of 3 years via Facebook. He spent the next 5 minutes laughing and telling his coworkers how hilarious that was. FML

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By Anonymous - China - Shanghai

Today, I sang a romantic song I wrote for my girlfriend. She laughed at my soprano. FML

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By 8sq - United States

Today, I learned the hard way that yes, a fork can get stuck in your braces. FML

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By stinky - United States

Today, my coworker friend told me she was going to the restroom. Soon after, I did the same. Once in the stall, I could smell a stench emanating from the next one. I yelled, "Ew, you stinky bitch" and sprayed air freshener under the partition. As I left the stall, my friend walked into the restroom. FML

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By kk-

Today, after my boyfriend broke up with me and I'd chained-smoked all night, I had a driving test. With only 3 hours of sleep, I literally drove through a red light during the test. FML

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By A continent away - Estonia - Tallinn

Today, the security at the airport were nice enough to remind me to take the laptop out of my bag. I wish they'd also reminded me to put it back in before I left. FML

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By jesus christ, dad - United Kingdom - Manchester

Knock first

Today, for the third time since breakfast, I accidentally walked in on my father wanking. FML

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By Oops - United States

Today, while at work at a maternity and baby clothes store, I was supposed to send out an email about our "Beat the Clock" sale. After it was sent to over 500 people, I realized that I'd misspelled the subject line. It read, "Beat the Cock Sale." FML

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By Not a programmer yet - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boss told me that the company will be hiring a programmer for our department. I had the idea for the position when we went over my 3-year career path last month, but it wasn't approved. I now get to look over résumés from other people applying for my dream job. FML

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By Flavorite - United States

Today, my boss asked me to pick up an extra shift. I said I couldn't because I have a date. He told me I didn't need to lie and to just say no next time. FML

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By gibsonSG323 - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend I was pregnant. While I was asleep, he drew a face on my stomach and when I woke up he was talking to it. He said it would be less weird if he was talking to my stomach with a face on it, representing the baby. According to him, our child is going to have a mustache. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - East Stroudsburg

Today, I got mugged. Trying to be brave, I attacked my mugger, who then broke my nose. Suddenly, I was saved by someone: A 15 year-old goth girl who promptly tackled the mugger to the ground. I'm a 21 year old man. FML

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By Why - Australia - Sydney

Today, for our 25th anniversary, my husband and I had dinner on a cruise ship, a dinner we had been planning for months. Upon boarding, I realized the expensive dress that I had bought just for the occasion had exactly the same print as the chair covers and the carpet. The cruise lasted 8 hours. FML

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By debodave - Germany

Today, I phoned one of the IT guys upstairs for help with my PC. He said it would only take a few minutes; and would just fix it through a direct connection from his computer to mine. Hours later; I was feeling devilish, and quickly checked out an adult website. Mr IT Guy was still connected. FML

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By Lonely, I am so lonely - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Today, a friend posted a photo on Facebook of a meal with all of our other friends. The same meal they'd told me just yesterday had been cancelled. FML

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By Lilah - Canada

Today, I was showing off my sexy new lingerie set to my boyfriend. While we were getting frisky, he got really into things and ripped it completely off my body, destroying it. It cost me $110. FML

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By yup okay - United States

Today, my boyfriend admitted that he finds his car more attractive than me. FML

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By Wellpoo

Today, I started 2018 with a bad case of food poisoning. Not exactly the new year cleanse I was hoping for. FML

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By Keisha

Downsizing awaits

Today, I got a 25-cent raise at work. That would be wonderful, had they not cut 6 hours off my schedule as well. I'm now making $200 less a month than I was pre-raise. FML

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By badtimingdude - Mauritius

Today, I lost a bet with my girlfriend. I now have to wear a shirt saying "Worlds Smallest Penis" everywhere I go for a month. FML

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By wow @ creepy fuckers - United States

Today, yet again, my boss whined to me like a baby over being "friend-zoned" by his secretary. Not only does he basically stalk her and make her eat lunch with him every day, she's a lesbian in a committed relationship. He suspended me after I lost it and told him to see a fucking therapist. FML

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By unemployedaussie - Australia - Perth

Today, I was fired because my boss found out I had been looking for a new job. Then, I got a call from my only job prospect, saying I was overqualified and too young to work there as a waitress. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was walking down the hall from the livingroom. I overheard my mom telling someone how proud she was of her baby girl and how much she loved her. I thought she was referring to my first ever all "A" report card. Turns out my new kitten used its litter box correctly for the first time. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Mattawa

Today, a guy at work told me I look like a famous celebrity. I was flattered, until he remembered the celebrity's name: Steve Buscemi. That wouldn't be a compliment, even if I weren't a 24-year-old woman. FML

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By IsThisRealLife - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up with an extremely irritable rash around my crotch. I didn't want to full out itch it by putting my hands down my pants, so I itched it by putting my hand in my pockets. I got kicked off the train for "pleasuring myself in public." FML

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By giantblueballsthesizeofjohnnysinscock - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, after six long, hard years of involuntary celibacy, I was finally about to get laid. Except it was just a dream, and in it my mom stormed in just as things got heated, called me a useless cunt, and told me to go do my chores. I guess my brain forgot I moved out years ago. FML

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By ravestradamus - Australia

Today, I was enjoying some "alone time" with the detachable shower head when someone flushed the toilet, causing the cold water to run out and badly scald my genitals. It hurts to walk. FML

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By GiveADogABone - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were trying to get it on on the bed. As soon as things were starting to get heated, I turned over and saw that my dog had not only jumped up on the bed, but had been watching and started to hump the pillow next to our heads. FML

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By Andre - United States

Today, I got a parking ticket while standing beside my car. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my brother thought it would be hilarious to put vinegar in my contact solution. I took my contacts out hours ago and my eyes still burn. FML

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By Sotired - United States - Medford

Today, after working 12 shifts in the past 8 days at 2 jobs and thinking today was a day off, I got the call that I misread my schedule and I was in fact scheduled. Got off at 2:30 am, work again at 9 am with 9 shifts to go this week. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands

Today, after spending two weeks renovating my room and $1000 on paint and a new floor, my landlord told me that he's sold the house. Also, he was kind enough to inform me that unless I paint the walls back to white, I won't be getting my $500 deposit back. FML

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By whitefox123 - United States

Today, I was riding in the backseat while my mom was driving. Noticing she was driving way over the speed limit, I opened a police siren app on my iPod to make her slow down. When she realized, she pulled over, kicked me out of the car and made me walk home. FML

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By peepants

Today, I was in a public restroom with my one-year old. I had no idea he could reach the lock until he opened the door and ran out. In my haste to catch him, I not only peed all over my pants that were still around my ankles, I faceplanted on the nasty, moist bathroom floor. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 29

#7894883 - Saturday 4 April 2020 5:14

How do you mistake a stink bomb for a baby?

You'd think with a full diaper it might be moving around and crying.

By sickerthanyou | 13

#7894898 - Saturday 4 April 2020 7:21

That stinks

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 29

#7894883 - Saturday 4 April 2020 5:14

How do you mistake a stink bomb for a baby?

You'd think with a full diaper it might be moving around and crying.

By sickerthanyou | 13

#7894898 - Saturday 4 April 2020 7:21

That stinks

By .AdalynneGlass. | 1

#7895040 - Saturday 4 April 2020 21:03

Lol, oh my gawdddd!! Who did this!?!?