Anonymous · 2 February 2024, 12:00 ·Hoffman, United States

First time for everything

Today, I've been sneezing and coughing and not feeling well, so I decided to go to the grocery store to get some bone broth and some orange juice. Shortly after grabbing the orange juice, I felt like I had to pass gas, except it wasn't gas, it was diarrhea. At 35 years-old I pooped my pants in the grocery store. FML

I agree, your life sucks 624 You deserved it 181

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gss · This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff ·United States

Customized

Today, I pulled one of my favorite hoodies out of my closet, and immediately noticed several large stains on it. Apparently, my dad had managed to open a hole in the roof and couldn't be bothered to patch it, so a squirrel got in and used my closet as a litter box. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 537 You deserved it 2 288

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shit · This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff ·United States

Stranger danger

Today, I was in a public restroom taking a dump. It's difficult for me to do it in public, so to make it easier I kept telling myself, "Nobody's here, you're all alone." I then heard, "No, you're not." I didn't realize I was saying it out loud, or that I wasn't alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 736 You deserved it 31 778

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um…ew · 14 January 2024, 20:00 ·United States

Concentrate

Today, my friend and I were having a conversation in the ladies’ room. Suddenly, we hear banging from one of the stalls and, “Can you talk somewhere else? Some of us are trying to poop.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 129 You deserved it 963

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Guess I'm jobless · 10 January 2024, 22:00 ·United States

Stars of CCTV

Today, I nailed a job interview and they hired me on the spot. The only problem was I was bursting at the seams and had to poop really bad. After destroying their bathroom and taking my leave, not an hour later I got a phone call saying they're "gonna go a different direction." FML

I agree, your life sucks 565 You deserved it 260

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Pinkie · This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff ·United States

Close encounters

Today, I had to announce to the whole house that I was going the bathroom, because the lock on the door is broken. Before I had the chance to wipe, my dad loudly burst through the door, stark bollock naked, to take a shower. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 316 You deserved it 2 729

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Anonymous · 9 January 2024, 22:00 ·United States

New pariah just dropped

Today, I had such an intense stomach ache I couldn’t even stand up. I ended up shitting my pants. I’m 13. FML

I agree, your life sucks 578 You deserved it 144

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Jollyshitshow · 2 January 2024, 09:00 ·Daventry, United Kingdom

Welcome to 2024

Today, on the first day of 2024, I, a healthy 32 year-old, woke up to find I not only pissed the bed, but also shat myself in my sleep. I have no idea what I ate to cause this, nor how I didn't wake up when it was happening. This new year is literally off to a shit start. FML

I agree, your life sucks 608 You deserved it 161

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Anonymous · 31 December 2023, 15:00 ·United States

Panic!

Today, I fucked up by trusting the wrong fart and shat myself in the middle of the restaurant I was eating lunch at. I was so mortified, I couldn't even finish the meal I paid for. FML

I agree, your life sucks 279 You deserved it 519

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blewidstepr · This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff

Slippery when wet

Today, I realized that my 3 year-old son, who is being potty trained, has better aim standing up to pee than his 30 year-old father. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 915 You deserved it 6 535

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TuteBananaCupcake · 29 December 2023, 20:00 ·Dayton, United States

Autopilot

Today, I used the last of the toilet paper to blow my nose while taking a dump. FML

I agree, your life sucks 159 You deserved it 602

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Rhayne · 26 December 2023, 22:00 ·Lagos, Nigeria 🌶️ Spicy

Anatomy 101

Today, I, a 29 year-old, healthy female who has never done anal, felt the urge to fart while working on my computer. However, it then felt like I was going to be poop, so did a mini sprint to my bathroom. Unfortunately, my anus let go and I shat myself. What is wrong with me? FML

I agree, your life sucks 486 You deserved it 238

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Anonymous · 24 December 2023, 22:00 ·New York, United States

This means war

Today, after I spent the evening at a girl's house that I'm seeing, I woke in the morning and put my pants on to leave, only to have her dog's poop roll out of the leg of my pants. This wouldn't be so bad if last week the same dog hadn't left the same treat right where I step when getting out of bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 513 You deserved it 159

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Anonymous · 23 December 2023, 20:00 ·Warren, United States

Trust issues

Today, I ended up shitting myself when trying to pass what I thought was a small amount of gas, only for it to be diarrhea. I turned 37 last month. Never trust a fart, right? FML

I agree, your life sucks 493 You deserved it 226

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Anonymous · 17 December 2023, 06:00 ·United States

Long ass

Today, I went to the market and I was stuck in a long ass line for 10-15 minutes. To make things worse, in front of me was a guy bending down with his buttcrack all the way out. I couldn't eat anything after that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 385 You deserved it 223

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Anonymous · This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff ·United States

Broke boy

Today, I woke up with the worst vaginal itching and swelling. I then find out it was brought on by my boyfriend's cheap brand of toilet paper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 475 You deserved it 3 883

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Anonymous · 11 December 2023, 12:00 ·United States

First class slob

Today, I overheard my husband admitting that he doesn’t wash his hands after having diarrhea. I had no prior knowledge of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 670 You deserved it 109

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stinkstinkman · 7 December 2023, 06:00 ·Ashburn, United States

Throw them into a volcano

Today, I failed to notice a nice ripe pile of dog poop on my front yard until I got to work. I tried to clean my shoe off with alcohol wipes in the bathroom. Not only did it barely work, the wipes are non-flushable. FML

I agree, your life sucks 414 You deserved it 177

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Anonymous · This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff ·United States

Bad boy

Today, my 2 year-old son decided to pee on the dog for the second day in a row. I'm afraid this will turn into a routine thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 297 You deserved it 5 320

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Anonymous · This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff ·United States

Well done!

Today, I was at the mall with my young daughter. I hate pooping in public but I really had to go so I brought her in with me. Thinking we were alone, I started to go and my daughter yelled, "Good job Mommy, you're using the potty like a big girl!" I then heard laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 641 You deserved it 5 057

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Tour guide for a day · 2 December 2023, 04:00 ·Montreal, Canada

Stank face

Today, I attended a virtual meeting. When I went to grab a coffee during a break, for some reason took my laptop with me, got distracted by my cat taking a stinky dump, so my coworkers got an unplanned tour of his litter box while I scooped it all up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 103 You deserved it 612

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Anonymous · This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff ·United States

Who are you?

Today, I was in the bathroom stall when a man made eye-contact with me through the crack in the door. I quickly looked away, but about a minute later I looked back to see if he was gone. He was still there and was actually trying to keep making eye-contact with me while I pooped. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 239 You deserved it 3 006

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git recked lul · 1 December 2023, 12:00 ·Allen Park, United States

What even is that?

Today, I felt an itch on my butt so I went to the bathroom to scratch it. It was actually a dried layer of skin that broke from years of wear and tear, and now every time I shit I feel immense pain for the next hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 402 You deserved it 171

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mom05 · 27 November 2023, 14:00

Great parenting team goals

Today, I left my four month-old daughter with my boyfriend of three weeks so I could go shopping in peace. I came home four hours later to find her screaming, hungry, with a dirty diaper. When I asked why he didn't do anything to help her, he said, "Why should I? She's not my kid." FML

I agree, your life sucks 222 You deserved it 1 984

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Anonymous · 25 November 2023, 20:00

Banished

Today, I was on an early flight home after a night of drinking. I was sat in my seat when I started feeling sweaty and nauseous. I grabbed the puke bag and started gagging, then puking, and a really loud fart came out. Everyone heard it. The attendant switched me seat to sit alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 167 You deserved it 846

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Anonymous · This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff ·Houston, United States

Family values

Today, my future father-in-law showed everyone a picture of his poop because it was "shaped like a banana." My fiancé's whole family thought it was funny and "looked more like a banana than last time." FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 175 You deserved it 4 435

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Shiva · This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff ·Niort, France

Bad boy

Today, I cleaned my apartment from top to bottom. Once I was done, I looked over at my puppy, who then woke up, stretched, got out of his basket and started to pee. I shouted, "No!" Scared, he then ran all over the place, still peeing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 806 You deserved it 9 684

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Anonymous · 15 November 2023, 06:00

Dumbass

Today, I talked to a teenage girl that came in for debilitating constipation. Turns out she'd stopped drinking water and had been purposely holding her bowels because her new online boyfriend convince her it’s unattractive and unladylike for girls to poop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 739 You deserved it 103

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sosadstudent · This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff ·Netherlands

The smell test

Today, I realized I can tell which one of my 6 roommates has taken a dump, just based on the smell emanating from the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 123 You deserved it 4 470

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Anonymous · 12 November 2023, 08:00 ·Merendree, Belgium

Unplugged

Today, after working many 80+ hour weeks, a patient called to urgently come with their sick infant. Of course, I stayed late to help them. The baby had been constipated for a full 24 hours, and the parents had panicked. During the examination, the baby shat on my table. FML

I agree, your life sucks 506 You deserved it 93

1 comment Share