Butt Hurt · 10 November 2024, 15:00 ·Pittsburgh, United States

Silver linings

Today, I woke up with a big and very painful pimple on the inside of my butt cheek. Because of my Crohn's disease decided to flare up at the same time, my 3 trips to the bathroom at work were only tolerable because I didn't have to deal with rude customers yelling at me for situations I have no control over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 416 You deserved it 82

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NotaDTfan · This FML is from back in 2017 but it's good stuff

Four more years of this shit

Today, my elderly neighbor came crying to me about the horrible thing someone had done outside. I hurried out to find a big pile of dog shit with the head of Donald Trump stuck into it. I had to fake a coughing fit so she wouldn't realize I was laughing. I'm not sure I got away with it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 302 You deserved it 1 006

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Mustanggt · 4 November 2024, 03:00 ·United States

Soiled

Today, my clueless British boss booked me on a six hour Greyhound bus trip for work. He doesn't know what happens on American buses: the endless delays and stops, the drugs, the sharts… FML

I agree, your life sucks 427 You deserved it 95

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Anonymous · 31 October 2024, 12:00 ·Bremerton, United States

Close call

Today, I woke up and realized I had to pee sooo bad. The problem was, I sleep naked with my partner, who lives with one of their sisters. I didn't have time to get dressed before running to a shared bathroom, and even then I "drizzled" a little bit on the bathroom floor. I cleaned it and myself up but still… FML

I agree, your life sucks 140 You deserved it 515

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Anonymous · 30 October 2024, 22:00 ·United States

Just pish yerself

Today, I went to the store. In the span of 10 minutes, I went from not needing to pee, to pissing myself in the middle of the crowded store. It wasn’t even just a little bit, it was a full-on stream, and there were no toilets in this store. I’m only 24. FML

I agree, your life sucks 477 You deserved it 144

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Privacy please · 30 October 2024, 12:00 ·Richmond, United States

So, as I was saying before I was interrupted by your colon…

Today, my wife hit a new level of clingy when she picked the lock on the bathroom door so she could sit with me while I shat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 618 You deserved it 88

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Anonymous · 27 October 2024, 00:00 ·Springfield, United States

Happy dance

Today, at work, I was on the toilet for so long the motion lights turned off. I stood up, pants around my ankles and began waving my arms above the stall to get them to turn on again. At that exact moment, my boss walked in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 352 You deserved it 161

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seriously · 25 October 2024, 18:00 ·San Diego, United States

The biohazard next door

Today, no matter how many times I've asked, my dumbass neighbor can't get into the habit of regularly picking up after her six dogs. Her backyard is covered in shit with probably just inches between each pile or log. This means the wind blows the smell of shit in the direction of my house. I can't open a window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 484 You deserved it 78

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Anonymous · 20 October 2024, 12:00 ·United Kingdom

Spooked

Today, I was trying to sleep when I saw a head looming from the darkness with no eyes and a mouth open like a silent scream. I just froze and pissed myself. It was my daughter wanting to cuddle with us. Alas, the bed was wet, so she got put back in her bed, while we had to share the sofa downstairs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 349 You deserved it 282

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Embarassed · 18 October 2024, 20:00 ·Cleveland, United States

Express yourself

Today, my toddler started chirping, "Mommy’s on the toilet!" while I was in a public restroom at our local mall. She also knocked on the stall door to make sure everyone was made aware of our exact location. FML

I agree, your life sucks 328 You deserved it 141

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Anonymous · 18 October 2024, 09:00 ·Welle, Germany

What's that coming over the hill?

Today, they say our bowels are like a second brain. Well, mine seem to have the brain of an 8-year-old, because we’ve been playing “Attack of the Monster Poo” for five consecutive days now. Of course, like any self-respecting monster, it only attacks when you're asleep, then again once you've let your guard down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 332 You deserved it 88

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Bondi414 · This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff ·United States

My house, my rules

Today, my dad made a new house rule: "If it's yellow, let it mellow; if it's brown, flush it down." My whole house now smells like piss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 914 You deserved it 2 865

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Just me · 13 October 2024, 22:00 ·Tucson, United States

Not a people person

Today, I walked into a public toilet and I opened a stall door, only to discover someone who had forgotten to lock the door sitting on the can. Instead of saying "Sorry," I panicked and said, "Nice shoes!" I then had to wait until they left because I was too embarrassed to face them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 350 You deserved it 181

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Anonymous · This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff ·Tartu, Estonia

No, not now!

Today, in a hardware store, I had to physically restrain my senile grandpa from trying to take a crap in one of the display toilets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 829 You deserved it 1 051

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Anonymous · This FML is from back in 2019 but it's good stuff

Spooking cats

Today, my cat got his head stuck in the handle of a plastic bag while snooping. Unfortunately, it was the bag I use to put his turds in after scooping them from the litter tray. With the bag trapped around his neck, he got spooked, then ran around the house, spreading turds from the bag as he fled. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 151 You deserved it 577

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Cliff · 11 October 2024, 00:00 ·Perth, Australia

The squits

Today, I got food poisoning from a restaurant that I had chosen for our company party. Everyone who went blamed me for their predicament. I also had to run to the toilet every ten minutes while they were all mad at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 427 You deserved it 99

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Anonymous · 8 October 2024, 16:00 ·Paris, France

Sightseeing

Today, it's been five days since I finally made it to my dream vacation destination, after months of planning, saving, and dreaming. I got food poisoning within hours of arriving and I've spent the last five days in my hotel room, staring at a toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 510 You deserved it 89

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shitty situation · 2 October 2024, 22:00 ·United States

A bit lax

Today, I shit my pants. I don’t even remember trusting a fart. As in, it literally just fell out of my ass. I’m only 24. FML

I agree, your life sucks 450 You deserved it 110

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Anonymous · 24 September 2024, 22:00 ·Barnsley, United Kingdom

Some fun was had

Today, I got home from a holiday to find out that my flatmate had thrown a party. Everything seemed fine at first, then I noticed that someone had taken a dump in my running shoes that were in my bedroom closet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 517 You deserved it 86

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Anonymous · 18 September 2024, 22:00 ·United States

Typical Ohia public bathroom

Today, I was sitting on the toilet when a dude broke into my stall, screamed, "No time to explain!" and ran out with a toilet paper roll. FML

I agree, your life sucks 476 You deserved it 68

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Anonymous · This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff ·San Francisco, United States 🌶️ Spicy

Made his mark

Today, I finally slept with the man of my dreams. After he left for work, I found a six-inch skid mark smack dab in the middle of my sheets. Apparently, the man of my dreams doesn't believe in toilet paper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 736 You deserved it 3 389

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Paulalala · 11 September 2024, 20:00 ·Helena, United States

Thank you for your service

Today, I was pulled over for speeding. The cop asked if I had a reason for going so fast. I panicked and said, “I have to poop.” He followed me home with lights on, just to make sure I made it. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 125 You deserved it 505

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Rachey · 10 September 2024, 00:00 ·Ireland

Best seat in the house

Today, I was using the toilet at a friend's house when the toilet made a strange gurgling noise. Thinking it was just old plumbing, I flushed. The water started rising... and rising. Before I knew it, water, and whatever was in the toilet, began overflowing and flooding the bathroom. I had to go ask for help, and a mop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 472 You deserved it 130

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K……y · 6 September 2024, 16:00 ·Atlanta, United States

This is mine now

Today, my new couch was delivered. As the delivery guys left, I came back into the living room and noticed a bad but familiar smell. I turned the couch cushions over to discover that my cat had already claimed it as her personal litter tray. The return policy doesn’t cover "cat defilement." FML

I agree, your life sucks 232 You deserved it 483

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Anonymous · 4 September 2024, 06:00 ·United States

Two speeds

Today, I've realized that I have two modes: Constipated, or ultra explosive diarrhea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 457 You deserved it 70

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Anonymous · This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff ·Norway

Wild night

Today, I woke up with a hangover. I had a party last night. Besides a stolen TV, someone seemingly decided to take a dump in my piano. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 760 You deserved it 30 578

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Anonymous · 1 September 2024, 06:00 ·Santa Fe, United States

The jug of shame

Today, I had a Zoom meeting. I tried being professional by setting a virtual office background, but during the meeting my computer glitched and revealed my real background: a pile of dirty laundry and a jug of Arizona Tea. My boss couldn’t stop laughing because he thought the jug was a jug of piss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 196 You deserved it 449

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Anonymous · 31 August 2024, 06:00 ·Warren, United States

Panic! at the grocery store

Today, I wet my pants at the grocery store. I didn't feel like I had to go until I was inside. The embarrassing thing (besides me being 37)? I actually made it to the store's public bathroom and made it to the toilet, but my belt was on so tightly that I had to undo it and it doesn't work like an ordinary belt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 284 You deserved it 340

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Anonymous · 30 August 2024, 09:00 ·United States

Soggy mess

Today, I managed to wash my phone with my laundry. I didn’t realize it was in my jeans until I heard a thudding noise. After rescuing it from the depths of soggy clothes, I tried the rice trick to dry it out. A few hours later, my cat thought it was a new litter tray and promptly pissed in the rice, then spread it all over the counter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 410 You deserved it 240

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jdch_99 · This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff ·United States

In distress

Today, the pharmacist warned me that my antibiotics might cause slight gastrointestinal distress. The fact that I have been on the john for the past 90 minutes drenched in sweat would lead me to believe our definitions of "slight" are a bit different. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 852 You deserved it 1 716

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