pick up after your dog you lazy piece of shit! · 9 June 2023, 00:00

Disproportionate response

Today, having such terrible social anxiety and being terrified of confrontation, I confided in my apartment's maintenance man about my neighbor not picking up her dog’s poop. He assured me he’d handle it. He reported her to the leasing office, and now she and her kids are getting evicted. I feel bad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 796 You deserved it 296

6 comments Share

Yudith · 7 June 2023, 22:00 ·Ottawa, Canada

Jello? Is it pee you're looking for?

Today, in the bus, my Gatorade bottle's badly screwed cap resulted in my Jello being ruined and yellow Gatorade poured all over myself, the seat, and the floor. It looks like I pissed myself, and I still have to go through a whole building where several of my colleagues live before making it home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 612 You deserved it 268

0 comment Share

Shitty Situation · 2 June 2023, 18:00 ·United States

Poop run

Today, I have to give my cat medicine to help with his constipation. He doesn't like it. On the other hand, my other cat, who isn't constipated, loves it. This may prove to be challenging. FML

I agree, your life sucks 689 You deserved it 111

1 comment Share

Anonymous · 31 May 2023, 18:00 ·Berkeley Springs, United States

TMI, mom

Today, my mom was on the phone when she decided to blurt out that she got me probiotics for my stomach issues. FML

I agree, your life sucks 572 You deserved it 168

2 comments Share

maggieyokoi · This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff

Wiped out

Today, I had to explain to my little brother yet again that no, socks don't count as toilet paper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 879 You deserved it 2 323

56 comments Share

it hurts!! · 30 May 2023, 06:00 ·United States

Bad day

Today, I double checked with the barista to make sure my latte had soy milk. After a few sips, I could tell it wasn’t but it was too late. I’m so sensitive to dairy, I spent the rest of my work day trying to stifle the gut busting cramps and noxious fumes. I had a meeting I couldn’t reschedule. FML

I agree, your life sucks 939 You deserved it 170

1 comment Share

Anonymous · 26 May 2023, 18:00 ·Australia

Countdown

Today, I took my regular shit, like clockwork. Same time, every single day. Unfortunately, that time is midnight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 667 You deserved it 144

4 comments Share

Anonymous · 26 May 2023, 10:00

Don't bet on it

Today, and for a few days, I've been sick, vomiting, with fever from a stomach bug. I was in the middle of a figure skating competition when it happened. I had just won and was gearing up for day two. I also just lost a best friend after they asked me to throw the competition and I declined. FML

I agree, your life sucks 806 You deserved it 99

5 comments Share

kellie1115 · This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff ·Rowlesburg, United States

Stunlock

Today, my boyfriend and I were having a serious conversation about our future. Somehow it turned into a 10-minute discussion about what time of day we usually take a crap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 596 You deserved it 5 901

151 comments Share

Anonymous · 13 May 2023, 15:00 ·Barnsley, United Kingdom

Unpleasant

Today, my brother tried to sit on my head and fart, except he followed through. It didn’t make it past his trousers but for a few brief seconds before he ran to the bathroom I could smell it and feel how warm it was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 906 You deserved it 108

4 comments Share

miji · This FML is from back in 2018 but it's good stuff

Up to date

Today, for the fifth time in a row, my parents tried to discuss my pooping habits with me at the dinner table. This time, we had guests. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 492 You deserved it 297

10 comments Share

Anonymous · 30 April 2023, 10:00 ·LaSalle, Canada 🌶️ Spicy

Nope, not adding up

Today, I learned that my girlfriend prefered being fully under the blanket during our first time to avoid being cold and to save electricity. This would've been completely fine by me if she didn't have IBS. Done the math yet? FML

I agree, your life sucks 665 You deserved it 179

4 comments Share

Anonymous · 27 April 2023, 06:00

IBS?

Today, I went on a hike. About two miles into the five mile trail, my stomach started to bubble and I realized there were no bathrooms nearby. My only options were to literally shit my pants or shit in a bush. Well, I shit in the bush and had no tissue to wipe. I hate having stomach issues. FML

I agree, your life sucks 777 You deserved it 161

2 comments Share

My cat is a dick · 13 April 2023, 14:00 ·United Kingdom

You little git!

Today, I woke up to find that my cat had peed all over my coffee table, and more specifically on my laptop, completely ruining it. When I confronted her, she looked at me with what I can only describe as a smug expression, as if to say, "You're not the boss of me." FML

I agree, your life sucks 543 You deserved it 667

2 comments Share

achoo-plop · This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff ·Colorado Springs, United States

Let it all out

Today, I learned that the only way for me to have a complete bowel movement is to blow my nose at the same time. However, I learned this while standing in my girlfriend's kitchen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 197 You deserved it 2 118

45 comments Share

Anonymous · This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff ·Mantua, United States

Good boy

Today, I told my dog to give me the stick he had in his mouth so I could throw it for him. After I picked it up, I realized it was a dried-out piece of shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 422 You deserved it 13 410

52 comments Share

Anonymous · 27 March 2023, 22:00 ·United States

Great start

Today, I was rushing to get to work on time and grabbed what I thought was my coffee mug. It wasn't until I was in the car that I realized I had grabbed my husband's urinalysis cup. Not quite the morning boost I was expecting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 608 You deserved it 271

3 comments Share

lukey101 · 27 March 2023, 16:00

Bad boy

Today, my puppy celebrated a milestone by lifting his leg to pee for the first time. Too bad it was up against my brand new soft fabric couch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 668 You deserved it 190

2 comments Share

Anonymous · 26 March 2023, 18:00 ·Ardmore, United States

Ring of fire

Today, I have a bad case of diarrhea. The worst part isn’t even sharting in bed while sleeping naked. It’s the severe asshole pain from having to wipe my ass twenty times in twelve hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 746 You deserved it 170

5 comments Share

Anonymous · 26 March 2023, 12:00 ·Germany

Bad doggo

Today, I'm dog-sitting. To give the pooches some exercise, I took them on a long walk through the fields, where they run, play, and sniff around to their hearts’ content. Thirty seconds after coming back home, one of them made a ginormous puddle right on my living room floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 734 You deserved it 132

0 comment Share

Anonymous · 19 March 2023, 10:00 ·United Kingdom

Welcome home!

Today, I got home after a spending a week recovery from surgery. My neighbour had been feeding my cat whilst I was away. Exhausted, I went straight to my bedroom where I soon discovered that my cat had shat on my pillows, duvet, and pyjamas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 858 You deserved it 151

1 comment Share

mustanggt · 16 March 2023, 18:00 ·Coronado, United States

Jot that down

Today, my workplace's new policy requires me to ask employees why they're calling out sick. I had to listen to the answer, "When it comes out of your bum, like a bullet from a gun…" FML

I agree, your life sucks 743 You deserved it 147

8 comments Share

Eric Ngan · This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff ·Singapore, Singapore

Makeover

Today, a pigeon got into my apartment. After knocking over a very expensive vase, it panicked, rammed itself against a window, and shat all over the floor as it tried to get out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 795 You deserved it 2 227

61 comments Share

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA · 15 March 2023, 06:00 ·United States

Stealthy roommate

Today, I had to go to the bathroom, but the door was closed. I waited until I was pretty much about to explode, and eventually yelled, "Are you okay?" and my roommate replied, "What are you talking about? Oh, sorry. I left the light on." How do you close the door and forget to turn off the light? FML

I agree, your life sucks 655 You deserved it 407

3 comments Share

poop eater · 10 March 2023, 00:00

Misunderstood artist

Today, my son drew a picture of me eating. When I demanded to know why he had drawn me eating poop, he starting crying and said, “It was meant to be chocolate!” FML

I agree, your life sucks 235 You deserved it 1 511

7 comments Share

Chris · 8 March 2023, 18:00

Stained for life

Today, I went to a job interview wearing what I consider to be my lucky shirt. On my way to the interview, a bird dropped a load of bird poop on my shirt, and I didn't have time to change. During the interview, the interviewer kept staring at the poop stain on my shirt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 842 You deserved it 153

1 comment Share

Anonymous · This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff ·Tampa, United States

Parks and recreation

Today, I was bored of doing nothing so I decided to take my 4-year-old brother and 3 of our dogs to a school playground nearby. When we got there, one of the four of them pooped in the field. It wasn't one of the dogs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 887 You deserved it 2 333

27 comments Share

Anonymous · 5 March 2023, 21:00

Kids can be so harsh

Today, I was using the bathroom and my butt stuck to the seat a little bit, so when I got up, the seat unstuck itself and came down loudly. The girl who was also in the bathroom went running out, saying that I pee with the seat up because I have balls. I spent a while trying to convince other kids that I really was a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 876 You deserved it 130

1 comment Share

scared2poop · This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff ·Brighton, Australia

Shy colon

Today, like many other days, I drove 15 minutes away from my girlfriend's house to poop at the local McDonald's, because I'm too scared of her roommates hearing my extreme noise terror. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 865 You deserved it 4 020

30 comments Share

Anonymous · This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff ·United States

Dude, gross!

Today, I found out that my lovely, amazing boyfriend likes to pee in everything other than the toilet. This includes: Hawaiian punch jugs, the sink, empty cans/bottles, and out of my window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 624 You deserved it 3 885

213 comments Share