Today, I went to the farm my girlfriend's parents live on. She was showing me around the barn when she picked up a tool and said, "We used this to castrate the goats… and I'll use it on you if you piss me off." FML
Today, my blind date thought the best way to start off is to show up blind drunk. She ended up puking on the table and leaving me to pay. FML
Today, my parents found out that I separately convinced them not to get back together, and now they're not speaking to me. FML
Today, my doctor inadvertently let the cat out of the bag that I don’t have cancer in front of my husband. I’d told him I had cancer to stop him from leaving me for his colleague who he’s absolutely moonstruck over. When we got home, he gave me the silent treatment. He went out and never came back. FML
Today, my parents told me they're getting a divorce because of all the strain caused by me nearly dying in an accident. FML
Today, I went to Target with my girlfriend. As we were walking in, I saw a girl in a crop top and leggings walk by us. I instinctively turned my head to look so I could get her rear view. Not only was she flat as a board from the back, my now-ex noticed, broke up with me, and ordered a Uber home. FML
Today, I caught my boyfriend messaging flirty texts with one of the nurses who cared for him while he was in inpatient rehabilitation at the VA Medical Center for alcohol abuse. Not to mention he is back drinking daily. I suck at relationships. FML
Today, I told my wife it hurt my feelings when she said our wild, fun days are behind us. She retorted, “Yeah you’re right. Our very carefully planned out once a year kid-free outing is sooooo wild and crazy.” FML
Today, I introduced my dad to my boyfriend. I gave my dad the middle finger and he thumped me on the head, as we've been playfully doing for years. My boyfriend got all mad and tried to fight my dad. FML
Today, my husband abuses me emotionally and manipulates me, in front of our kids too. Now my 7 year-old daughter has started the same behaviour towards me. If I weren't such a coward, I would run far, taking her away, and wouldn't look back, but unfortunately I deserve it for staying I guess. FML
Today, I'm still in love with my ex-boyfriend, who is going out with someone else now. At least I now know that he's gay. FML
Today, I was working up the courage to tell my male bestie of three years that I was starting to fall in love with him. I told him, “Hey, I wanna get something off my chest, do you mind?” He instantly panicked and said, “Nope, please don’t say it.” and asked me to leave. He never let me speak and changed the subject. FML
Today, my blind date turned out to be my gynecologist. FML
Today, I’m about to lose the love of my life. I love this man with every fiber of my being, but his kids are absolute fucking monsters. They treat me like shit and he doesn’t intervene. I’m so heartbroken, but what else can I do? FML
Today, I dumped my fiance because his grandma, who raised him since birth, died and I overheard him making it clear that all he cared about was her inheritance. I thought he was my soulmate, but I can't be married to somebody like that. FML
Today, it's been a week since I started farting in my sleep for no apparent reason. It's so frequent and so foul-smelling that my husband and I are both losing sleep and are having to take afternoon naps to make up for it. FML
Today, I confronted my boyfriend of 8 months about him posting our date nights sitting at a table and having drinks, yet I don’t appear in a single frame. He said, “I just don’t post people.” He posts friends, family, and colleagues in pictures all the time, but when it comes to me, he “doesn’t post people.” FML
Today, I rejected a girl I work with because I have a girlfriend. That girl then posted on Facebook that she'd friendzoned me for being creepy. My girlfriend saw the post, believed it, and dumped me. FML
Today, after seven months of my supporting him, including paying all the bills, cleaning the house, and cooking, my unemployed "aspiring rapper" boyfriend finally got paid for his music. Did he buy me something nice? No, he called his boys to hit the club and pissed away everything he'd earned and then some. FML
Today, I caught my sister red-handed trying to frame my husband for cheating. She's always been jealous that I'm in a happy marriage and she's only 31 and has already been divorced five times. I can't go no contact with her because she has two boys who I absolutely adore. FML
Today, I was on a first date with a really nice guy and, of course, when there was an awkward silence, I started talking and realized too late that I was running through my usual complaints about my worthless baby daddies. He asked how many and I said three, and he left without a word. FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me for cheating on him with his best friend… in a dream he had last night. I was upset at first, but then I remembered what day it is, and laughed at his silly "prank". He was completely serious. FML
Today, I realised that my boyfriend calls me "bitch" more often than he calls me by my actual name. FML
Today, after my long distance "boyfriend" told me he loved me more than the world, he asked for advice on how to talk to girls. He already has a girl from class in mind. What's worse is that I actually haven't broken up with him yet because I know about his home life. I can't help but feel like I wasted my time. FML
Today, I found out that the threatening and insulting messages I received from my boyfriend's "stalker ex" were actually sent by him. Why? Because he cheated and he didn't want to admit it. I'm dating a psycho. FML
Today, I went on a date with this really cute guy from a dating app. He'd set the date and told me where to meet him. We met at a coffee shop, and he was an absolute gentleman. Five minutes after the date, I went to message him that I'd enjoyed myself, only to find he'd blocked me on the app. FML
Today, I moved into university residence, looking forward to finally being able to come out of the closet. I started chatting with the hot guy moving in next door to me. He said I was cool, and he was glad because he was afraid he'd be living next to a gay guy. FML
Today, I had a rare phone call from my ex-girlfriend. We ended up talking for hours about old times. It was the best conversation we have had in forever, it made me miss her and miss us. Later on in the day, she called back asking what we talked about. She was too high too remember. FML
Today, it's my son's wedding. I really don't want to go because he's marrying his former stepsister, whose father is my ex-husband. We went through an extremely nasty and bitter divorce and I absolutely want nothing to do with him, but I don't have a choice because I have to be there for my son. FML
Today, my boyfriend of four months broke up with me via text message. He spelled my name wrong. FML
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