Today, I went to a colleague's house for a barbecue. Another colleague's wife was there, and when I say there were sparks between us, there were SPARKS! Later, her husband discreetly informed me that they're in an open relationship. I just wish I didn't have my boring unadventurous wife at home. FML
Today, I found out, after months of being made to think I'm crazy, that my girlfriend has a complete online presence across 10+ cam/OnyFans/websites/Telegram, etc. It's my biggest trigger, my previous partner did the same on a much bigger scale. She denied it to the point of me moving out. FML
Today, my girlfriend is pissed at me and crying that I bodyshamed her. She wants to do that cutesy shit of wearing my clothes and hoodies but she outweighs me by more than 50lbs. I’ve offered to buy her hoodies and spray my cologne on them for her, but I guess that’s not good enough. FML
Today, I was excited to go to my new girlfriend’s house for dinner. To my horror, everything was out of a box or a can; Hamburger Helper, canned vegetables, boxed mashed potatoes. When I said I was hoping for something fresher, she just stared at me and asked if i know how expensive groceries are. FML
Today, I started my senior year of high school. Every guy I try to get with immediately loses interest and runs off when they learn I have a one year-old son. It’s not fair I have to deny my baby boy just to find happiness. FML
Today, my wife tried to prove that I don’t pay attention to anything related to the house by putting a decorative gnome on the table. When I mentioned it, she pointed out that she’d put over 25 gnomes all over the house for the past couple of weeks. I just noticed them today. FML
Today, after months of helping my girlfriend accommodate into her new apartment to escape from her abusive mother, she thanked me by posting an Instagram story with her new boyfriend. FML
Today, the guy I've been dating told me that I need to stop hanging on him in public because it's ruining his game with other girls. FML
Today, my wife whined that she couldn't sleep, while she had her eyes glued to her phone, her Switch in her lap, the TV on, and her bedside light shining in her face. I've long since learned not to comment on this. FML
Today, a guy approached me at a party. He made small talk and said he wanted to get to know me. I've had enough of men's bullshit after what my exes put me through, and chimed back with, "Why? So you can then leave me for someone else when you get bored with me?" I do this to every potential suitor, and I hate it. FML
Today, I watched my husband attempt to make Cup Noodles. He used the Keurig to make hot water, instead of the kettle or microwave, then he burned himself trying to pour it, got angry, and smashed the mug and the noodles. I married this man. FML
Today, I found out that my boyfriend has been sexting several other girls from Reddit for over a year. While we were at his parent’s house for dinner. Last year I found out he was on drugs for the first year we dated. This was all as I was in the process of feeding my dying dog. FML
Today, a customer came in to the Walmart I cashier at, trying to set me up with her daughter. This isn't the first time she's tried. As she so graciously put it, her daughter "has a thing for the wimpy nerdy types". FML
Today, I'm considering faking my death in order to get out of my relationship. My girlfriend got in a car accident that left her disfigured, and I no longer find her attractive. I met someone at work who's a better fit for me. I know I'm probably an asswipe, but is it wrong to want a partner whom I'm attracted to? FML
Today, my son told me he liked a girl at school. I told him to be extra sweet to her, carry her bag, and make every day brighter for her. My husband snorted and said, "That's simp shit. Don't do any of that. Act like a man, and if she's not into you, shrug and move on." FML
Today, after a lot of discussion and setting ground rules, my wife agreed that we could try swinging. Problem is, she has vetoed every single person I’ve suggested as either “butt ass ugly” or “fatter than holy hell.” Her exact words were, “There’s no way in fuck I’m munching fat box!” FML
Today, there's no door between the bathroom and bedroom. So far we've managed all number 2 s(h)ituations without trouble, but I'm on my period, which comes with period poops. He usually sleeps like the dead. I was mid-evacuation of a multi-missile launch when he sat up, wide awake, eye contact, grin on his face. "Hah! I KNEW YOU'D BE THE FIRST!" FML
Today, I'm sad. My wife of six years cares very little about my satisfaction. Intimacy is my receiving love language, and while we do have sex sometimes, she wants me to "take" or "use" her. I want to be felt up and be shown I'm wanted, too. FML
Today I took my girlfriend to the cafe where we had our first date, with the intention of proposing. Moments before I took the ring out, some sleazy old guy said, "How are you two fine babes single on a Saturday?" He refused to leave us alone, even when we said we were on a date. FML
Today, I told my boyfriend I’m pregnant. He broke down crying because his mother is going to be so mad at him. He’s in his 30’s and we've lived together for over 4 years, it’s not like it was a drunken mistake, it just happened naturally. FML
Today, I renamed my home Wi-Fi to “PleaseTalkToMeSarah” to hint to my crush/neighbour. Later, I realized the whole apartment building could see it, and had worked out who it belonged to. Now strangers keep asking if Sarah had talked to me yet. She hasn’t. FML
Today, I found out my "wonderful" boyfriend was recently dumped by another woman, not just after he started stalking her, but after he wrote her a love letter in his own blood. FML
Today, my girlfriend dumped me for another guy. Last week, she wrote sweet things like "Love you forever" and "Light of my life" on my arm cast. I have to wait two more weeks until it's taken off. FML
Today, I tried to be nice to a cute girl at the café by holding the door open for her. I smiled, leaned on the door frame, and poured my entire cup of coffee down my leg. She still said thanks before walking away. FML
Today, a woman screamed at me for five minutes, demanding to know how long I'd been having an affair with her husband. I explained for the second time that she'd dialed a wrong number. FML
Today, it's 1:30 in the goddamn morning and I can’t sleep because my boyfriend is so obsessed with KPop Demon Hunters that he's in bed next to me listening to the songs with his headphones at full volume. He might actually be addicted, as he says he physically can’t make himself stop listening. FML
Today, my mom came to me, hysterically crying that her boyfriend had hit and choked her. I’d feel bad for her except he’s my ex who also beat me, yet when I turned to my mother for help she decided to take him in instead and get pregnant with his kid. What goes around comes around bitch! FML
Today, I found out why the guy I like insisted on inviting a friend along on our outings. Apparently, he was sick of me flirting/making moves, so he kept bringing her along in hopes I'd get the hint. Although this time, not only was I third-wheeling, but I watched as they hooked up in the backseat of his car. FML
Today, I decided to quit dating. I'm a plus-sized girl and I can’t get a guy to save my life. On dating apps they run for the hills when they see my full body. I even tried dating plus-size guys and even they have standards. I fucking hate society’s “ideal” beauty norms. FML
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I was, "trying to change her." A week ago I asked her to stop talking to the six guys that have all previously asked her for nudes. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thank you, your FML was submitted, and will appear the moderation soon!
