Health

Cosplay freakout

By Anonymous - 24/04/2022 14:00

Today, our daughter was going to a cosplay event, until her dad saw the costume, or lack thereof, that she was planning to wear in public, with people taking photographs of her. He got so mad, he actually burst a blood vessel in his neck and had to go to hospital. She still went to the event. FML

agreeclassic 945

vote type 1 367

Body modification

By Anonymous - 22/04/2022 14:00

Today, I got a nipple piercing. My girlfriend thought I was pranking her with a fake piercing, because I wouldn’t be "daft enough" to get a real one, and she yanked it off, or rather through, my nipple. Yes, it cut my poor nip in half, and I now have two nipples where once I had only one. FML

agreeclassic 1 108

vote type 1 369

Life's a beach

By Anonymous - 22/04/2022 12:00

Today, I finally beat depression by going for a walk on the beach. I couldn't contain myself and happily played in waist-deep water as I walked. I realized my keys for my car, mail, house, and work had fallen out of my pockets and into the ocean, never to be seen again. FML

agreeclassic 942

vote type 1 518

Lumpy

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - San Francisco

Today, my wooden floor gave me a splinter on the bottom of my foot. I don't have the flexibility nor the eyesight to find it. FML

agreeclassic 41 987

vote type 1 7 145

Thanks for sharing

By why ma? - 21/04/2022 15:01 - United States

Today, my mom went through my drawers and found some antibiotics from Planned Parenthood. She immediately flew into a rage and told my whole family, my aunts, and her church that I was a “loose woman with a horrible disease.” The antibiotics were to treat bacterial vaginosis, not an STD at all. FML

agreeclassic 1 166

vote type 1 141

Boozy

By hhhhhhh - 21/04/2022 12:00

Today, I had an interview for my dream job. Things were going well, the lady was about to offer me the job, but then I got the hiccups. She immediately changed her tone and said, “Yeah, I think we’re done here. Next time, don’t show up to a job interview drunk.” I had no alcohol in my system. FML

agreeclassic 1 593

vote type 1 102

Life is pain

By pussy - 21/04/2022 04:00 - United States

Today, since my family and friends always make fun of me for being a wuss when it comes to pain, when I stubbed my toe, I made a point to not scream or complain in any way. Instead, I vomited and fainted. FML

agreeclassic 864

vote type 1 252

Gas giant

By …how??? - 20/04/2022 22:00 - United States - Denver

Today, I learned that the average human farts 15 times a day. I fart more than that within the first hour of the day, and that’s even after not eating anything for three days. FML

agreeclassic 766

vote type 1 166

Jeremy?

By Anonymous - 20/04/2022 22:00

Today, I shat myself in the middle of Walmart. It dripped out the bottom of my pants till i made it to the restroom, which was on the other side of the store. FML

agreeclassic 1 145

vote type 1 268

The secret

By Jen K - 20/04/2022 06:00

Today, my boyfriend asked me to explain why my ex keeps DM-ing me for money. I can’t bring myself to explain to him that I’m still paying off the abortion my ex helped me pay for from the ex before him. FML

agreeclassic 443

vote type 1 1 549

My babies would never do that!

By katie hj - 20/04/2022 02:00

Today, I was screamed at by my stepmom for “taking a shit on the carpet.” We have not one but two dogs who are losing their bowel control, and I'm 24 years-old and have never taken a shit anywhere other than the toilet, so I have no idea why she’s blaming me. FML

agreeclassic 1 385

vote type 1 111

YELP!

By Anonymous - 19/04/2022 12:00 - United States - Brookline

Today, my new neighbours moved in. I had always thought my bedroom wall was soundproof, because my old neighbours never complained about my loud night terrors. Turns out they were just stone deaf. The new ones can hear everything. FML

agreeclassic 949

vote type 1 147

I don't want to know

By LoneFox - 18/04/2022 18:00 - Denmark - Thisted

Today, I heard my ex, the woman I am still in love with and want to get back together with, say she had sex with her boyfriend this morning. It affected me so bad, I started getting physically ill. FML

agreeclassic 894

vote type 1 897

MAS*H theme song starts

By Anonymous - 18/04/2022 02:00

Today, while driving to work, I really took in the scenery. Not for the beauty, but for the practicality and access for the best place to commit suicide. I disregarded one place because it would be too hard to wash away the blood. At least when I'm suicidal, I'm thoughtful about it… FML

agreeclassic 1 028

vote type 1 207

Competitive

By Anonymous - 17/04/2022 22:00

Today, my weightlifter husband is pouting because he is no longer able to lift the amounts he could a year ago. Meanwhile, our weightlifter son is fast approaching the weights my husband used to lift, and is being smug about it. It’s like living with two bears determined to be grumpy at each other. FML

agreeclassic 1 149

vote type 1 175

Who are you?

By Anonymous - 16/04/2022 19:00 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, it seems that I've gained so much weight that not even my iPhone can recognize my face. FML

agreeclassic 772

vote type 1 386

You're at home here

By Anonymous - 15/04/2022 13:00 - Ireland - Clonmel

Today, after years of struggling with poor mental health, my depression convinced me that no one would ever care enough about me to help if I reached out. I called the local suicide hotline anyway. They didn’t answer. Twice. FML

agreeclassic 1 170

vote type 1 136

Physical reaction

By Anonymous - 15/04/2022 02:00

Today, I woke up from surgery with nurses all giggling at me. I asked them what was wrong, and apparently I’m now famous as the guy who kept getting boners every 10 minutes, until finally the surgeon used surgical tape to stick it to my thigh to keep it out out of his way. FML

agreeclassic 2 158

vote type 1 228

AC/DC

By Anonymous - 14/04/2022 16:00

Today, my son still sticks his fingers in plug sockets, cuts charging cables for devices, licks batteries and so on, because he enjoys the electric shocks, he thinks they are funny so I can’t even trust him when he sleeps at night, in case he wakes up while we’re asleep and does something stupid. FML

agreeclassic 1 168

vote type 1 211

Alexa, play "Don't Stand Too Close to Me" by The Police

By stayaway - 14/04/2022 04:00

Today, I realised how badly the pandemic aggravated my social anxiety when I was playing an online game and an ally kept on getting too close to me throughout the match. I actually had to quit the game and take my emergency meds so I wouldn't go into a full blown crisis. FML

agreeclassic 770

vote type 1 639

He started it, sorry

By Anonymous - 13/04/2022 15:01 - United States

Today, a drunk in a wheelchair tried to fight me. I walked away as he kept hurling insults. He then rammed his chair into my legs, making me fall. I walked away again. Upon the second time, I got up and punched him dead in his face, knocking him backward. I was tackled to the ground for hitting him. FML

agreeclassic 1 087

vote type 1 173

I'm not making shit up, I swear

By Anonymous - 13/04/2022 22:00

Today, I'm waiting to be examined thanks to a clitoral abscess. It burst yesterday and has now shrunk to nothing, so the doctor will probably dismiss me again. This is the eighth time in five months, and no one will take me seriously. I'm in agony. FML

agreeclassic 1 394

vote type 1 143

I promise

By Numnum - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom

Today, it's decided, I'm going on diet. For real. But I said that yesterday. And the day before. FML

agreeclassic 10 871

vote type 1 57 997

WMD FML

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - Netherlands

Today, I used the restrooms at the shopping mall. The cleaning lady stepped in after me, immediately turned around and very demonstratively started spraying air freshener. FML

agreeclassic 25 659

vote type 1 6 766

Quick exit

By meeeee! - this FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States - Wilmington

Today, I fell out of a window while trying to close it so no one would fall out. FML

agreeclassic 34 255

vote type 1 4 897

Hangry boi

By Anonymous - 11/04/2022 14:00

Today, thanks to my wife’s obsession with expensive foods like chutney, relishes, exotic spices, and preserved foreign vegetables and herbs, I'm literally staring into a fridge full of glass jars, with a door that barely stays closed, and yet has nothing inside suitable to eat for my dinner. FML

agreeclassic 934

vote type 1 226

You tried

By abcdgaf - 10/04/2022 18:00

Today, I was told how cruel and selfish I am for rubbing my weight loss in my mom’s face. I’ve literally begged my mom to walk, jog, workout with me for months. She went exactly once. She complained the whole time, then called me a bitch for finishing my run while she sat in the car. FML

agreeclassic 1 163

vote type 1 125

It doesn't

By Anonymous - 10/04/2022 14:00

Today, my girlfriend and I have literally had our genitals in each other’s mouths and tongues in each other’s ass cracks, yet when I used her toothbrush, I’m gross and nasty, and deserve a sex ban for two weeks. How does this make sense? FML

agreeclassic 1 229

vote type 1 1 019

Poisoning attempt

By Anonymous - 10/04/2022 10:00

Today, my mother-in-law tried to prove I was lying about my seafood allergy by adding minced prawns to the tomato sauce. In the last 24 hours, I have vomited and shit so much, plus the lost water weight from the sweating, I’ve lost almost 9lbs in body weight. FML

agreeclassic 1 448

vote type 1 111

Survivalist

By John Johnson - 10/04/2022 02:00

Today, a friend moved into my new house. He was a great roommate years ago, but COVID seems to have driven him mad. He brought a huge stockpile of non-perishable food, and keeps talking about "fortifying" the house. He's trying to build a composting outhouse right now. Send help. FML

agreeclassic 912

vote type 1 235

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Keywords

Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Coworkers Love Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Parenting Kids Annoying Shopping Underwear Jealousy Parents Thief Sex Intimacy Suspicious Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

Top

Today, a coworker threw my lunch in the trash. They'd just got back from holidays, and I use the same containers they do. My leftovers "looked like something they'd eat", so they thought it was something they'd forgotten before going on holidays. It was leftovers that I'd been spacing out, trying to make last till payday. FML

agreeclassic 1 115

vote type 1 1 315

Today, a girl I'd been crushing on for a little while and I were talking about autism. Some of the last words she said were "I try to not find autistic people so fucking annoying, but I can't help it. But can you blame me?” I'm autistic. FML

agreeclassic 3 367

vote type 1 375

Today, my toddler peed in his potty for the first time. He was so excited to show me that he flung the pot in the air dousing my face with his piss. Then he laughed. FML

agreeclassic 56 558

vote type 1 5 218

Today, I got let go from work all because my work permit expired. I’ve been in the process of renewal with USCIS for over 10 months now, but things are delayed due to COVID. I showed them the notice of renewal, they said it wasn’t enough, “Rules are rules.” FML

agreeclassic 1 142

vote type 1 126

Today, while I was home sick from work, my neighbor got packages delivered. Our apartments have had a lot of thefts lately so, being neighborly, I brought her stuff inside to wait. When she came home, I gave them right to her. Instead of thanking me, she told the office that I was the thief all along. FML

agreeclassic 1 241

vote type 1 147

Today, I was at lunch in a Mexican place and my earbud started to slip from my ear. No big deal, I moved my hand to catch it. Catch it in the open tortilla I just spread guacamole and sour cream on. FML

agreeclassic 339

vote type 1 742