Health

Swing low, sweet chariot

By I need a new ballsack. - this FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom - Macclesfield

Today, I'm at that age where sitting down carries a 50/50 chance of turning my balls into scrambled eggs, a fact confirmed yet again today. Third time this week. I think it's time to switch to briefs. FML

agreeclassic 30 785

vote type 1 4 630

Wrong window, sorry

By Anonymous - 12/08/2023 16:00

Today, I accidently sent that my butthole was on fire to a group chat with my boss. FML

agreeclassic 217

vote type 1 770

Best prank ever

By Anonymous - 12/08/2023 00:02

Today, I meant to prank my boyfriend with a fake pregnancy, but when he walked in, he had his elderly mom with him. She saw all the pregnancy stuff I’d set up for the prank and got so excited that she had a stroke, and is now in a vegetative state and might not wake up. FML

agreeclassic 412

vote type 1 1 513

A new day, a new dawn…

By therapy works - 11/08/2023 18:00

Today, I finally had a breakthrough in therapy and got some much needed clarity in my life. After breaking away from the fear-based religious indoctrination that I’d been force-fed my entire life, I came to the conclusion that I regret every decision I’ve ever made, including the husband I accepted. FML

agreeclassic 879

vote type 1 216

Crop me out

By Anonymous - 11/08/2023 10:00

Today, after wasting $60 and 3 hours of my time getting my hair dyed to get rid of the ugly orange tint it had from the last time I got my hair dyed, it turned out to be the exact same color I started with. I go on vacation in 6 days and hate my hair. I'm not looking forward to taking pictures, that’s for sure. FML

agreeclassic 220

vote type 1 669

Sometimes you need a mess of help to stand alone

By Anonymous - 11/08/2023 04:00

Today, I realized that now that I've cut anyone who was toxic out my life, I now have no one. FML

agreeclassic 718

vote type 1 220

Greasy greasy spot spot

By Whoops - this FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom

Today, I was getting a haircut. The lady accusingly told me she'd have to thoroughly wash my hair before she started, as it was way too greasy to cut through. FML

agreeclassic 11 206

vote type 1 47 410

Alanis, we've got another case!

By Arghh - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I had an allergic reaction to cranberry juice. The only reason I was drinking cranberry juice was to help with a bladder infection. Now I'm covered in what looks like a rash and peeing constantly. FML

agreeclassic 34 432

vote type 1 3 447

Coming through

By Anonymous - 09/08/2023 18:00

Today, I was cleaning wax out my ears when my wife came barrelling into the bathroom, desperate to pee. The door slammed right into the side of my head and the cotton swab I was using was pushed all the way in and ruptured my eardrum. FML

agreeclassic 1 078

vote type 1 190

Leg day (and night)

By Anonymous - 09/08/2023 16:00

Today, after a long day at work, my legs were aching by the time I got home. Tired, I tried to go to bed early. Now the only thing preventing me from sleeping is the pain in my legs. It’s 4 a.m. now and no luck. FML

agreeclassic 751

vote type 1 109

Disproportionate response

By notout - this FML is from back in 2017 but it's good stuff

Today, my 28-year-old brother screamed at me and outed me to our very religious, homophobic parents because I wouldn't let him shock his friend with an electric dog collar. FML

agreeclassic 5 121

vote type 1 743

The gift that keeps on giving

By Anonymous - 08/08/2023 22:00

Today, it's been a few weeks since I had my first sexual experience in 6 years following my divorce. It was with a woman I’ve known for years. We get on amazingly, more than me and my ex ever did. She’s sweet, sexy, funny, amazing in bed, and even likes Xbox. Unfortunately she also gave me Scabies. FML

agreeclassic 708

vote type 1 195

Some people just want to watch…

By Z…… - 08/08/2023 06:00

Today, my boyfriend spent half his paycheck on gourmet steaks, bacon, and all sorts of other meat. When I reminded him we were trying to go meatless to help the planet, he said, "Yeah, I'm done with that. The planet can burn." We'd only been vegan three days. FML

agreeclassic 372

vote type 1 2 114

Productivity at all costs

By Sick boi - 07/08/2023 07:00 - United States

Today, I got yelled at for calling in sick to work. My boss said, "I still came to work when I had pneumonia. You'll live." Uh… that's not impressive or motivating at all. That's downright stupid. FML

agreeclassic 968

vote type 1 113

Juicy

By Anonymous - 06/08/2023 18:00

Today, I got excited when I learned that the fruit on the trees by my apartment building was ripe and free to pick. I picked myself some juicy summer plums and enjoyed them. Minutes later, my tongue started burning painfully. Turns out, I'm allergic to plums. FML

agreeclassic 986

vote type 1 148

Make your mind up

By Mandy - this FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - Tampa

Today, I got in trouble for going to work sick. Yesterday, I got in trouble for not going to work while sick. FML

agreeclassic 34 915

vote type 1 2 514

The X factor

By May need earplugs - 05/08/2023 01:00 - United States

Today, my roommate sings in his room a lot. He has a horrible singing voice, but his dog trying to harmonize with him by howling at the top of its lungs makes it even more unbearable. Worst duet performance ever. And he does it every day. FML

agreeclassic 724

vote type 1 128

The passenger

By F.L.Stubbs - 05/08/2023 00:00 - United States - Virginia Beach

Today, I was drinking coffee at work, while being surrounded by a lot of flies in the area I was working. Later, in the evening, I found a fly under my bottom denture plate. It'd been there for about 12 hours. FML

agreeclassic 716

vote type 1 145

Tachycardia

By Anonymous - 05/08/2023 04:00

Today, after a three day hospitalization, four weeks of a new heart med, no alcohol and no caffeine, my heart rhythm was finally back on track. That is until some a-hole teens decided that banging loudly on my door and running away was hilarious. Oh well, back to square one. FML

agreeclassic 784

vote type 1 106

Unfresh and unfit

By oldest young lady - 03/08/2023 04:00

Today, I have dentures, wear bifocal glasses, and was recently diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis. I must be pretty old, right? Wrong. I’m 28. FML

agreeclassic 869

vote type 1 113

Alexa, play "Hawaii" by Public Image Ltd

By Anonymous - 02/08/2023 12:00

Today, my mom has gotten to the stage of her Alzheimer’s where every time I visit she thinks I’m a burglar, and screams and cries until I leave. My dad does his best, but I just want my mom back. FML

agreeclassic 1 374

vote type 1 104

The drugs are working

By Anonymous - 02/08/2023 06:00

Today, my wife woke up from dental surgery still stoned off her box. She was asking for me, but when she saw me she said, “Ew, you’re ugly, I asked you to go get my husband, he’s goofy looking but you’re just plain ugly so you’re not my husband.” Not sure how to feel about that. FML

agreeclassic 926

vote type 1 130

My big face

By Anonymous - 02/08/2023 03:00

Today, I took a selfie and I looked creepy in it, so I sent it to a friend thinking it would be funny. He just said, "Dude, that's what you look like. I don't get it." FML

agreeclassic 635

vote type 1 297

Vampire mode

By Anonymous - 01/08/2023 10:00

Today, my doctor put me on a new medication that came with the warning to stay out of the sun. I live in the desert and my country is having the highest temperatures recorded ever in human history. Guess I should stock up on white, long sleeve shirts. FML.

agreeclassic 728

vote type 1 138

Mix up

By Anonymous - 01/08/2023 06:00

Today, my husband presented me with a DNA test proving that our newborn daughter isn't his. Confused, I got her tested again. She's not a match to me either. FML

agreeclassic 1 478

vote type 1 119

Calories for days

By Anonymous - 31/07/2023 18:00

Today, I've been trying to make the most out of my short vacation by dieting, by eating a big pot of yogurt with lots of fresh fruit every day. Turns out what I thought was yogurt is actually heavy cream. FML

agreeclassic 200

vote type 1 1 066

American cuisine

By Nill - 31/07/2023 03:00

Today, my girlfriend was cooking dinner. To my horror, she took the chicken out and immediately began scrubbing it with dish soap. When I asked what the hell she was doing, she stared at me like I was insane. FML

agreeclassic 1 096

vote type 1 121

Mystery

By disgusting - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I walked past a girl in the cafeteria and she threw up. Naturally, a crowd was drawn. Her friend asked her what was wrong. She pointed at me and said, "Get him away from me!" I'd never met this girl. FML

agreeclassic 47 208

vote type 1 2 807

The road to Hell in Hell

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I have an Urinary Tract Infection, causing me to have to use the bathroom about every ten minutes. I'm also about to leave on a 15 hour car trip with my entire family. FML

agreeclassic 37 213

vote type 1 2 791

Pectus excavatum!

By Embarrassing Deformity - 29/07/2023 03:00

Today, while making out with my girlfriend, I got the courage to take off my shirt. I told her in advance that I had a sunken chest and she'd told me it was no big deal. Turns out it was, as she wretched at the sight of it, and then broke up with me. FML

agreeclassic 1 109

vote type 1 126

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Keywords

Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Coworkers Love Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Parenting Kids Annoying Shopping Underwear Jealousy Parents Thief Suspicious Sex Intimacy Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

Top

Today, I was staying at a hotel and had a night terror. I woke up, yelled, "Fuck!" and realized I had shit the bed. I'd woken up my teenage daughter, who now knows I shit the bed in the middle night. FML

agreeclassic 992

vote type 1 207

Today, it's been several weeks, I went to the doctor for an ear infection and I still don't feel too good. It was then that I realized the doctor forgot to prescribe me medication for said infection. That explains a few things. FML

agreeclassic 366

vote type 1 201

Today, in order to try and get over my slight fear of swans, I went down to the local park to feed them. One decided that I looked tastier than the bread I was throwing and chased me around the feeding area while everybody laughed. FML

agreeclassic 43 034

vote type 1 6 272

Today, I called the cops to let them know that a drunk man was driving dangerously down my road. About an hour later, I was going to the store and got pulled over for speeding by the cop I called. FML

agreeclassic 9 235

vote type 1 36 269

Today, my son swears blind he didn’t take my car joyriding last night. Thing is, I reverse into the drive. He drove it back in facing forwards, but no matter how I tell him, he doesn’t get it because the car's in the drive, so there’s no evidence, right? IT’S FACING THE WRONG WAY DUMBASS, I KNOW YOU TOOK IT. FML

agreeclassic 508

vote type 1 97

Today, while working at my concessions stand job, I was filling up popcorn boxes when my boss came over and told me I needed to be filling the boxes “a LOT faster.” I was going as fast as I possibly could. FML

agreeclassic 388

vote type 1 138