Climax

Kitchen Nightmares

Today, tired of my husband complaining that my food was basic and bland, I went out of my way to learn to cook using new recipes and fresh ingredients. He complained that I took too long to make dinner, and that the food is "fancied up shit." He can cook his own meals now. FML

Popping

Today, my in-laws were visiting from Texas, so I made a brisket, smoked for 10 hours on the barbecue, and it was perfect. Alas, when my husband cut the meat, he burst a perfectly cooked cyst the size of a lemon that stank the whole house out. FML

Hmmm, steak

Today, my husband and I cooked our first dinner of the year, some grilled steak. The moment we turned our backs to put out the fire, the dog snatched half of it. FML

Today, I spent a solid four hours and over one hundred dollars preparing a nice fancy meal for my new girlfriend. A delicious three pound rack of ribs with a sweet and sour marinade. Steam broccoli with melted cheese. Home made buttermilk biscuits. I serve the meal. She doesn't eat beef. FML

That joke isn't funny anymore

Today, I told my husband that as I wasn't hungry, he had to cook for himself. He rang my Spanish stepmother as a joke to complain that I’m not wifey material. She showed up, whacked me with her Chancla, and browbeat me into cooking. He feels hella guilty, but he’s still a dead man once she leaves. FML

Today, in an attempt to be romantic, I kissed my husband as passionately as I could. After, he looked at me and said, "You taste like Chinese food." FML

Today, I spent my entire day off making a brisket. It had been cooking for 8 hours when, just before dinner, I went for a quick jog. In that time my girlfriend came home and ruined it by trying to make it the way she wanted. I'm a chef and she's an office worker. We couldn't eat it. FML

Nice try

Today, I fed my husband a vegan beef burger so I could show him that it tastes exactly the same when he didn’t notice. He noticed on the first bite and spat it across the kitchen because he thought the meat had expired before I cooked it, and tasted disgusting. FML

Today, my boyfriend and I started our diet. After a long day of being held accountable for every calorie I ate, I went home to sneak a snack. My boyfriend came over to surprise me, and found me on the couch shoveling left-over Indian food into my mouth. FML

Scoville scale

Today, since my husband has been volunteering to do more of the cooking, I was happy and relieved to have help, until every meal he made had an ungodly amount of spices in it. I overheard him on the phone, saying he’s been purposely making my food inedibly hot so that I’ll eat less and lose weight. FML