Animals

Happy Doggo Day!

By Holyguacamoly - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - Iceland

Today, at work I had to explain to a client that male dogs can wear red collars and it doesn't make them "gay". The client then got angry and stormed out of the store, causing me to get written up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 277

You deserved it 4 958

Things that go WTF? in the night

By Anonymous - 22/08/2021 10:01

Today, as I was sleeping, I found a snail in my bed, yet I was dreaming so I thought it was a dream, but it felt real. I jumped out of the bed and I couldn't believe it. I wonder how it got there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 729

You deserved it 112

My lovely horse

By Anonymous - 18/08/2021 08:01

Today, after we managed to find a horse that was completely healthy and problem-free, we took her home. Now she keeps getting thinner because she's stressed and scared. Of what? Of having too much space to move around in, and occasionally seeing deer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 113

You deserved it 133

Kittens are everything

By Squanto - 16/08/2021 16:01

Today, I realized that since moving in with my boyfriend and adopting two kittens, I feel more alone than ever. He cuddles the kittens more than me, he doesn’t want to hang out with me at home anymore. Is this normal? FML

I agree, your life sucks 815

You deserved it 196

My new friends

By Anonymous - 15/08/2021 18:01 - Germany - Dresden

Today, on a camping trip, where it’s raining, I'm suddenly popular. With whom? With slugs! I found one in my shoe, one in my bag, two in my cooking pot and the last one I grabbed – surprise! - on the backside of my coffee mug, which was inside the bag, on the bike. FML

I agree, your life sucks 979

You deserved it 110

Justice for Doggy Boy the dog!

By Anonymous - 15/08/2021 16:01

Today, I hate my wife’s dog. It destroys everything in the house, it destroys my garden, she barks constantly in her bed, and when I walk her she tries to attack every living thing she sees, but the instant I talk to my wife about her behaviour, I get yelled at for being mean. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 262

You deserved it 179

Alas…

By Mum2be - 15/08/2021 04:01

Today, I saved a kitten from the streets, cleaned her up and asked the vet what I should do with her because she was the sweetest thing and my cat has a highly contagious illness. The vet had to put her down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 062

You deserved it 131

Tumbleweed

By Anonymous - 14/08/2021 06:00 - Germany

Today, my mom was proud for making a positive change in her life. The change in question? She now throws away the smelly hair she combs out of the dog, instead of keeping it for unspecified later use. FML

I agree, your life sucks 840

You deserved it 64

Flipped the bird

By Anonymous - 07/08/2021 05:59

Today, a client walked into my store with a duck in her hands. I had to explain to her that she couldn't bring the bird shopping with her. We got a 1-star review. FML

I agree, your life sucks 880

You deserved it 142

Slimed

By Hashtagfail - 04/08/2021 10:01 - Netherlands

Today, I went outside to feed the hedgehogs who often visit my garden. It was late in the evening and dark outside. I was walking barefoot, when I suddenly stepped on something. It felt soft and splashed apart under my foot. I looked and realized that I had stepped on a slug. FML

I agree, your life sucks 671

You deserved it 357

Top of the mornin' to ya!

By Anonymous Taco Man - 03/08/2021 08:01 - United States

Today, my dog had REALLY bad diarrhea. I found that out when I woke up to find it all over my bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 941

You deserved it 108

Dog people

By peta eata - 02/08/2021 13:01 - United States

Today, a crazed woman started screaming at me at the dog park. She was saying that I was cruel and unfit to be a pet owner, and she ought to kick my ass. My dog's ears and tail were cropped before I even got him. He’s a rescue and came to me like this. She wouldn’t listen and followed me to my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 175

You deserved it 93

Happy Birthday!

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I had to wrap presents for a cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 452

You deserved it 7 753

Cynophobia

By Anonymous - 01/08/2021 04:01

Today, my new boyfriend is so scared of dogs that he won’t even go in the room where my new puppy's bed is, so even on the days when he’s at home not working, I still have to pay the lad next door to come round and let it into the garden for a pee, because he’s too scared to open the door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 563

You deserved it 912

Are friends electric?

By Anonymous - 30/07/2021 12:01 - Canada - Bancroft

Today, my neighbor's dog came to visit and I tried to bring him back home like I usually do. Only this time, when I grabbed the dog's collar, they zapped him! And it zapped me! My teeth still hurt! FML

I agree, your life sucks 910

You deserved it 123

Anger issues

By Flash - 25/07/2021 17:31 - India - Bangalore

Today, I found out why my girlfriend has been angry with me ever since I moved in with her. Apparently, she is pissed that I taught her cat how to play fetch and keep treating him like a dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 009

You deserved it 184

It's about time

By peetime - 24/07/2021 02:01 - United States

Today, I was in the car with my mom taking the dog to the vet, when he peed on me. We were taking him there because he hadn't peed in three days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 920

You deserved it 107

Where is my mind?

By Anonymous - 24/07/2021 00:01

Today, after 10 beers and a 1/3 of a bottle of Jack, I felt an undeniable urge to go rabbit hunting with lawn darts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 229

You deserved it 1 204

Separation anxiety

By Anonymous - 21/07/2021 02:01 - Germany

Today, I’m glad that my friend’s grumpy old cat, who I’m watching in her absence, actually seems to like me. In fact, she likes me so much that she wakes me up at 4 a.m. to not only demand food, but demand my company while eating it. How very flattering. FML

I agree, your life sucks 977

You deserved it 177

The disrespect

By Anonymous - 20/07/2021 11:01

Today, I visited my mom at the graveyard first thing in the morning. Not even 24 hours after the funeral, someone’s dog had taken a massive, liquidy shit all over her grave. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 369

You deserved it 67

Entitled

By RachelD - 17/07/2021 18:01 - United States

Today, I can’t make it to my friend’s birthday party because my dog died this morning. I called my friend to inform her and she screamed at me because a "dumb animal" is more important than her best friend. Oh, and she asked me if that also means she won’t be getting a present. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 477

You deserved it 134

First step

By It_gets_better - 16/07/2021 08:11

Today, I finally got my first job offer in my desired career field at the city animal shelter. I have a bachelor's degree in Animal Science, two minors, and I graduated with honors. The job I was offered? Cleaning kennels, part-time, on weekends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 595

You deserved it 328

It_gets_better tells us more.

It_gets_better 19

Thursday 15 July 2021 4:40

OP here. I realize no matter where I go I'd start at an entry-level job; but even most entry level jobs that require a degree would pay the bills for my family. My biggest disappointment is that I was only offered a barely above minimum wage, part-time job, after a three-month application process. I spent hours watching recorded meetings and looking over the shelter's statistics and brainstorming improvements to present at my interview (because I applied for an entry-level desk job) so it felt like a slap in the face to spend so much time and energy on this only to be hit with, as kfchicken correctly pointed out, a job any able-bodied person could do- and only part time! (I know they had full time positions available, so I'm wracking my brain about who could possibly have been chosen over me.)

Social science

By Josh - 16/07/2021 06:01 - United States

Today, a friend came over to meet my new dog. The dog got excited and accidentally peed on him. I went to the kitchen to get something to clean it up. When I came back, my new dog was covered in my friend's pee. My friend claimed that peeing on my dog "showed dominance." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 363

You deserved it 175

Social parasites

By Poor doggo - 15/07/2021 08:01

Today, I was walking my friend’s dog at the park as a favor. A stranger then struck up a little conversation with me about the dog. It turned out that the stranger I talked to was my friend’s landlord, who now knows that my friend was lying about her pet being a service animal and is threatening eviction. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 482

You deserved it 319

Grooming tips

By love bitten - 14/07/2021 10:01 - Australia

Today, after two months of having a bird, she finally trusts me enough to perch on and even preen me. Unfortunately, it seems she thinks my freckles are lice and she's made it her mission to bite them off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 913

You deserved it 162

Alas, poor Donald

By Hit and Run - 13/07/2021 07:59 - United States

Today, while driving, I put on my hazards and slowed to a stop to let a family of geese cross the street. The pick-up truck behind me however, decided to change lanes and speed off, running over at least half of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 198

You deserved it 102

Not the sharpest tool

By Anonymous - 10/07/2021 02:01

Today, it became apparent that my new boyfriend has the mental process where unless you give him specific instructions, he can’t do anything right. Such as when asking him to let the dog out, it won’t occur to him to let the dog back in until I get home. By then the dog had destroyed the garden out of boredom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 898

You deserved it 264

CLAWS

By Attacksloth32 - 09/07/2021 01:59

Today, my cat was sleeping on me while I was laying in bed. I had to use the washroom, so I pushed him off. Except he used my testicles as a way to latch on to me, through my underwear. Let's just say, after having to change the sheets due to blood, I'm considering wearing a jockstrap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 901

You deserved it 239

Where's the beef?

By Anonymous - 08/07/2021 14:03

Today, I was supposed to be let the bull out of the trailer and head straight home. Someone didn't latch the gate, so it just walked through between pastures. The bull and a cow went through, a horse broke into the cow lot, and another horse had a meltdown and wiped out in mud after trying to jump the fence. I don't like beef cattle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 790

You deserved it 188

Grossed out

By eww David - 06/07/2021 02:01

Today, my friend is upset with me since I never want to hang out at her house or eat her food. The problem is she has multiple dog beds in her kitchen and a cat litter box under her dining room table. I love her and invite her to hang out other places, but she’s still offended I won’t go to her’s. FML

I agree, your life sucks 951

You deserved it 156

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The Top

The Top

Today, I picked up a warm blanket that just came out of the dryer. Despite wearing pants, the static electricity from the blanket delivered a shock straight to my crotch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 231

You deserved it 4 240

Today, I was visiting my boyfriend, who lives 2 hours away. After about twenty minutes of glorious sex, he told me in no uncertain terms that he was about to come. He then "baaa"d like a sheep as he came. I couldn't come after that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 943

You deserved it 4 453

Today, my girlfriend finally came over to watch a movie with me after weeks of being really busy. As a treat she brought chocolate cookies, which she knows I can't eat. I am allergic to chocolate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 827

You deserved it 266

Today, if I want to be sexually attracted to my wife, I need to be very drunk, but if I'm very drunk there's about a 2/3 chance I'll have whisky dick. Before you ask, we've been married over 40 years, so there's no point in divorcing, we've been together too long, so who else would want to shag us except each other? FML

I agree, your life sucks 436

You deserved it 1 398

Today, after 10 hours of radio silence, my boyfriend of one month, who pursued me for almost a year and spent the last two days at my sister's wedding weekend being introduced to my family, wants to give his ex another chance after sleeping with her during their "talk about their arrangements for their son." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 106

You deserved it 275

Today, I had a seizure, and as they were loading me into the ambulance, drooling on myself, I clearly heard my mother ask the ambulance crew if they’d mind swinging by the church on the way to the hospital, you know, in case it turns out I’m not sick, just possessed by the devil. FML

I agree, your life sucks 922

You deserved it 97