Today, I have been dealing with painful lymphedema and I'd finally got a doctor's appointment, but they called and cancelled last minute. Here's to another week being in pain… FML
Today, my cat has always been rather antisocial, but after his first trip to the vet since getting fixed, he's become talkative, clingy, and goofy. I'd enjoy it, if not for the fact that he's nearly hurt himself several times because he keeps doing stupid shit. He might need to go back to the vet at this rate. FML
Today, I got a care package for graduation. Among the stuff inside was a toolbox; I never took shop classes or showed any interest in them because of severe disability. I also got a Snickers bar; I hate peanut butter. I even got a bunch of clothes hangers; I had more than enough as it was. FML
Today, while in line at the waterpark, I looked down to see my 3 year-old daughter chewing on a used Band-Aid. FML
Today, I realized the only things I do are work and sleep. My only friends are coworkers who I make small talk with. I live alone so I’ve got nothing there either. I can’t remember the last time I felt happy, or spoke to someone. Everyday is just a blur. I have no hobbies, no goals. Getting older is so fun, right? FML
Today, I was excited to finally take a day off work and relax at home. However, as soon as I was on the couch to Netflix and chill with my cat, I got a call from my boss saying I was needed at the office to fix a major issue. I ended up spending the entire day at work and didn't get to enjoy my "day off." FML
Today, I went to a friend's wedding, only to realize I'd forgotten my dress shoes. I ended up wearing my pair of Converse Chuck Taylor's with my suit and stood out like a sore thumb in all the wedding photos. FML
Today, I've been on the same train for two hours at a standstill due to "signal problems". We can't get off because it's "unsafe." I'm on my way home from work and I can see my house through the window. FML
Today, I went to an amusement park with my family and we all decided to ride the tallest rollercoaster. As soon as the ride got going, I realized I'd made a huge mistake and was too terrified to open my eyes. I spent the entire ride screaming, with my hands over my eyes, and afterwards my cousin called me a wuss. FML
Today, my aunt vented her anger on us for no reason, and her words really cut like a knife. I always pray that someday I'll have a home that I can call my own, where I can lay my head and heart. FML
Today, while watching YouTube, I was drinking when something funny happened. I laughed, choked, and threw up all over the floor. FML
Today, I found out that my desk is perfectly placed so that my boss can shoot me with a Nerf gun from his office. FML
Today, I got to find out for myself if dying in a dream causes you to die in real life. FML
Today, my little brother was getting a haircut. He’s very shy and doesn’t like to talk to strangers, hardly ever, but with women it’s more likely that he will. The hairdresser made a comment about, “He’s so quiet, is he nervous?” I said without thinking, ”No, he only talks to pretty girls.” She didn’t speak the rest of the haircut. FML
Today, I found out that all together, I have mono, strep, a UTI, and a enlarged spleen. How am I going to tell my friend that I made out with his dad, and now his dad is sick? This man gives his newborn kisses every night. FML
Today, I went on a date with a guy I met on Bumble. He spent the entire time talking about his pet tarantula and showing me pictures of it, all while I made 'ooh' and 'aah' noises, as if the guy was a child showing me his kindergarten drawings. FML
Today, I lost my phone. On the bright side, someone found it. On the downside, they won't give it back. FML
Today, I got stuck in a revolving door and had to be rescued by the fire department after about 30 minutes of walking in circles with no open exit. At least they got a good laugh out of it. FML
Today, I think it's a bad sign when you have a fan going and several windows open in a room, yet you are still hot enough to be sweating even when you take off some of your clothes. Of course, I could be wrong. FML
Today, I was in a public restroom when my almost-two-year-old figured out how to open the door and run out. Half-a-dozen strangers watched me scramble to pull up my pants and moon everyone before running after her. FML
Today, my overthinking and ADHD combo got so ridiculous that I found myself worrying about how my cat was going to be after he returned from the vet. Not if he was going to be okay or not, how he was going to behave. FML
Today, after two weeks visiting my boyfriend's family in rural Mississippi, we finally returned to civilization. Unfortunately, I pick up on accents really easily, and now I sound like a hick. My boyfriend thinks it's cute, but I hate it. FML
Today, my teen son and his friends catfished a woman in her forties so they could laugh at her when she got to the restaurant. I'm beyond furious. The poor woman was humiliated, but did my wife care? No, she only got mad at them for using her credit card to sign up to the dating app. FML
Today, I went to the gym. Once in the changing room, I realized I'd left my headphones at home. I had to work out without any music, so I spent the next 90 minutes being reminded how loud and obnoxious some gym-goers can be. FML
Today, I moved out of my parents' basement. After I hugged my parents, I walked out the door, only to remember I'd left my phone in the kitchen. I opened the door to see my parents dancing with joy. FML
Today, I went to my first ever party as a freshman, with friends from my dorm. There was a dance floor, and despite never having danced in public before, I put my best efforts into my dance moves… only to end up dislocating my knee. It's safe to say I won't be winning any dance contests anytime soon. FML
Today, I realized how lazy my daughter truly is when I saw her shivering under a thin blanket on top of her perfectly made bed. I asked why she didn’t just climb under her covers to sleep warm and comfortable. She said that this way she doesn’t have to make up her bed every morning. FML
Today, I excitedly told my best friends I was pregnant. Their responses were, "Ewww, I hate babies", "So we're not getting brunch anymore? That sucks" and "Do you need an abortion? I know a great clinic." Not one of them congratulated me. FML
Today, for the fifth time in a row, my parents tried to discuss my pooping habits with me at the dinner table. This time, we had guests. FML
Today, I was watching the episode of New Amsterdam where a man's cancer goes into remission very abruptly. As the doctors wonder how the hell that's possible, my mom says, "God." Okay. So if this "God" controls what happens to your body, why is cancer still a thing? My mom is no longer religious. She's delusional. FML
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