Today, my fiancé and I got a joint account recently, but when I got home he was on the phone to the bank claiming our credit card number was cloned, because of the ridiculous number of random purchases. I checked my online banking. It was all just my normal buying habits. FML
Today, I woke up from the most satisfying dream I've ever experienced. Sex related? Nah. I just needed two hands to pull a massive booger from my left nostril. FML
Today, I got way too used to using two oven mitts at once to take food out of the oven since I'm so clumsy. So, when I tried to take food out of the oven with the only one oven mitt I could find… Well, take a wild guess what happened. Go on, just try and guess it. FML
Today, I was visited by a high school friend who lives in another state. She was furious because I got married a few months ago, and she kinda had feelings for me. I had to ask her to leave. Here's the funny thing: she's been married for 4 years and they have a son, and she didn't even invite me to her wedding back then. FML
Today, I signed into the Netflix account that I pay for, only to see that my ex had added a new profile for his new girlfriend. We’ve only been separated for two weeks. FML
Today, I realized that I might be falling for a girl. She's fucking beautiful. She can't love me, I'm not good enough for her, and she's in love with someone else. Besides, I have a girlfriend but it never seems like we're close and I don't even know if I had a crush on her before, but I still love her as a friend and can't break her heart. FML
Today, I realized that the reason why my classmates from second grade may have thought of me so poorly was that I stupidly told all of them that I was a bedwetter and needed to wear pull-ups during the night. I feel like a fool now. FML
Today, my son is so rabid for Halloween this year that he decided to dress up early and do his own Incredible Hulk makeup. He used a green permanent marker he stole from school. It’s all over him from head to foot, and my carpet, sofa, bathtub, and even the cat. FML
Today, after we recently married, my husband wanted kids and I didn’t, so we agreed we’d have at least 5 years child free, then have one child and one only. I just tested pregnant. Despite all our precautions, I actually got pregnant on our honeymoon. FML
Today, I was at my boyfriend's house waiting to surprise him when he got home from work. I was laying in his bed when he called to tell me we were over. I couldn't leave before he got home. FML
Today, I realized some of my English students have just been going to their Philosophy professor to help them complete their essays. FML
Today, my boss is such an unfeeling asshole that he seriously thought he could demand I only stay at my best friend's funeral for 45 minutes then return to work, because it was “just a friend, not a relative', and that when his mother died he "took a whole 2 hours off and was back at work by 11:45.” FML
Today, I eagerly jumped into a pile of leaves, only to discover via the stench that the neighborhood cats have obviously been using it as their makeshift litter box. FML
Today, I found out that mishearing my boss and laughing at what I thought he said can make him think I'm high and nearly force me to submit to a drug test. FML
Today, my company held another team building event, and it's annoying. It was third event for this month only. I like having fun, but we keep losing clients and revenue. Our boss knows this, but she keeps encouraging us to "find our energy and channel it into productivity." Next week, we're going to a beach. FML
Today, I overheard my brother telling my son and his male cousins, who all think he's a cool uncle, that, "Only women can sneeze and fart at the same time." I decided to intervene, and gave him a scolding of a lifetime in front of them. Let's just say, I had to sneeze while in the middle of it. FML
Today, I tried to parallel park my car in a tight spot. After several failed attempts, I finally parked, but then realized I had parked on a slight incline. My car started rolling backwards. I had to chase it down the street in my pajamas. FML
Today, I was making some tea for my colleagues when I accidentally dropped the tea bag into my cup of coffee. I thought, "Why not?" and took a sip. It tasted like a caffeinated botanical disaster, and the whole office got to enjoy me retch for 10 minutes. FML
Today, while on a date with my boyfriend, he broke up with me. The reason why? Because I took a dump in his bathroom and "that's inappropriate for girls." FML
Today, I spent hours decorating my front yard for Halloween. When I stepped back to admire my work, the wind blew all the decorations into my neighbor's yard. Of course, they're currently away on a long vacation and I can't get to my stuff, so… you're welcome, I guess! FML
Today, I was at the gym when my dad thought it would be funny to push me into the ladies' changing room. Over a dozen naked women didn’t think it was funny. I was slapped twice, police were called, I’m now banned from my favourite gym for life, and even my wife is giving me dirty looks. FML
Today, I dressed up nicely to see the guy that I like and have been talking to for the last 3 months. Just when I thought he was finally going to ask me to be his girlfriend, he told me that he's actually had a girlfriend for 3 years now, but was too afraid to tell me because he really likes me. FML
Today, whilst out shopping with my crush, I decided to jokingly try on a silly-looking dress in an overly-expensive shop. Apparently I took the wrong size as I couldn't get out. Not only did the shop assistants have to publicly cut me out of the dress, I had to pay for it. FML
Today, my admissions to my dream university was rescinded and no longer being considered for a $45,000 scholarship. Apparently, the content of my TikTok account does not align with the University’s values. I forgot I have a few videos of me twerking and lip syncing a few profanity-laced songs. FML
Today, I attempted to untangle a pair of headphones. Somehow, in the process, I managed to tie them into a knot so complicated that it's now a permanent part of my life in the "great big box of mystery cables that lives in the garage." FML
Today, my mother told my boyfriend a cute story about me when I was little. The one where my cousin and I were caught pooping in a urinal in the church basement. FML
Today, I was fired for following my supervisor's directions. That is to say, I was told to take away contacts from our team to avoid metric drops. The client caught us both, and my supervisor simply threw me under the bus. FML
Today, my manager denied our entire team the measly 2% raise he'd promised us months ago because it’s "not in the budget." Coincidentally, all the managers' free company cars were just upgraded from 10 year-old luxury Range Rovers to 2023 Mercedes and BMWs, due to record company profits. FML
Today, as the weather is getting cold, I got my cozy fall sweater out of the closet. I soon realized I had left a candy bar in the pocket sometime last year, and it had melted all over the inside. FML
Today, my grandmother gave me rosary beads for my birthday. She told me I'd better start praying for a husband. FML
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